by Ann Patty
She was back. Twenty-two years later as promised, although a bit early. No butterflies, nothing. There was only quiet anticipation of Atsa. Crouching with her elbows rested on her knees, her fingers dipped into the pool. Her green eyes turned down into the shallow depths as if seeking, but remembering mostly. Retracing steps from twenty-two years ago was crystal clear for Terra. Yet, once again, today Terra found herself reminiscing. But no more. Within the hour, Terra's life would turn a decided fate. Flicking and circling the water with her index finger, Terra's attention was on her knees. They began to ache from squatting. Terra stopped fingering the pool and stood up. The water ripples died.
The water became a mirror. Looking back from the clear depths of the pool was a staring face. Dark as the water and looking thoughtful, this reflection approached from over Terra's shoulder. No footfalls were heard. He had crept up behind her. How would she have known being lost in thought? The too familiar face continued to gaze from the pool depths. Could this finally be? Terra felt encompassed by a multidimensional soul. Dare she turn around? After all this time. Now Terra paused in thought. Such anticipation slowed in the face of fate.
Alas, Terra braced herself and slowly, ever so slowly, she turned. An older man, tanned and weathered yet with an air of a Shaman stood gently close. In so much space of the vast natural habitat this Native American was standing only three feet away. He stared. Terra did likewise. Neither spoke a word. They just studied one another. They held each other captive. Staring. Looking. Studying. They were both lost in this tiny slice of time. Both seemed oblivious to personal courtesies such as handshakes or verbal greetings. They almost merged inside an invisible vortex.
How many moments had passed? How many minutes? How much time passed was for the guessing. He took a slight step closer. Instinctively, Terra reached out with her right hand not knowing where it was going to rest. She just knew she had to touch him. As her hand approached, he met her fingers with his own. Together they curled their fingers and coupled as a train hitch might. Their grasp increased. Neither one took their eyes from the other. This was all too familiar for Terra, and yet not so. Perhaps she was wishing too hard? This could never happen … even though she begged to the universe too many times. She was ripe for another experience. One to carry her for the next several years, yet one better, the rest of her life. Either way, Terra was primed and here she stood where time stopped for her twenty-two years ago.
Yet a hesitation grew between the two. Terra could always feel Atsa's aura and this man did not have it. This man was too familiar, but he was not Atsa. “Tahoma?” Terra asked.
Tahoma nodded his head. “Yes, yes, it's me,” he said with a warm, sad smile, as Terra ran into his arms and he grabbed her tightly.
The familiarity, warmth, and inviting embrace told Terra something was amiss. Terra stepped back, saying, “Atsa... Where is he?”
“He joined the spirit world, Terra. A couple months ago,” Tahoma said softly.
Terra's eyes rolled back into her head. She put her palms to each side of her temple as if to catch a dizzy spell. Her nostrils flared and she started gasping for her breath. Then she gripped her belly. “I knew it. I knew it. God, I should have come right away when I got home. Had I known...” Terra was stunned. She had no tears in her yet.
“Terra, there was nothing you could do — nothing any of us could do. He was consumed by the disease everyone dreads. He wanted to be gone before this anniversary. He could not let you see him in his final stage.” Tahoma shook his head. He missed his brother beyond words. He walked over to Terra as she began sobbing and held her tight. “Let it go my Terra. Let it all go. He is at peace now. I know this and so do you my Terra.”
Tahoma and Terra held each other deeply until far after the sun went down into the horizon. The customary colors striped the sky. The two sat next to each other at the rim of the pool. Their bare legs dangled in the pool's water. It was a full moon tonight and it was rising between the two pillar rocks as it once had twenty-two years ago. Terra and Tahoma had little to say. There was not much one could say about death. It was not a new invention. Death was part of the cycle of life. It was nothing to be afraid of, just had to accept the inevitable. They sat together until dawn. Terra was still reeling from the news; trying to make sense of it. But, she knew in her heart of hearts that this trip here would equal much change.
When the sun came up, Tahoma stood and pulled Terra to her feet. They strolled back to Terra's SUV. There was no second vehicle. Terra figured Tahoma walked all the way there.
“I hope you are staying here for a while,” Tahoma inquired. “I …I'd like to show you Atsa's house. Of course, I need a lift,” he said and grinned at Terra. He saw her eyes widened, as she also smiled back and nodded her head yes.
Journey Restitution
Once you've discovered a road that had once held meaning, you never forget it. That was the road to and from the magical pool in the desert. Terra didn't need to be told the way, as every curve of the road was etched in her mind. She wondered if she would ever return again and a resounding YES flooded her mind. Terra did not need to ask with who or when or why. Once at the main road, Tahoma directed Terra to head south. In another ten miles, they pulled off to the east and followed this road until it rose going up an incline that seemed to go nowhere. When they stopped there they saw a very familiar adobe structure in rainbow colors overlooking the mesa below. Terra's heart began to pound. She got out of the SUV and walked around the perimeter, shaking her head.
“Atsa said you helped build this house.” Tahoma acknowledged by nodding. “He said when he was at a loss for a design that he would think of you, Terra. He said you gave him this house style, right down to its colors.”
Terra bit her lip, fighting back the tears. She double nodded yes, that she understood. She closed her eyes and then described the floor plan to the inside for Tahoma. Terra gestured with her hands what corner was this or that room, and how the layout flowed. Tahoma, impressed, waved Terra over to the front door. They went in and Terra stood in the middle of the modest house. She began to register the accuracy of which she had seen Atsa's home in her mind.
Tahoma took on a strong voice. “Terra, Atsa built this home for you. He wanted you to have it even after he was gone.” Tahoma waited a moment for Terra to digest this news before he continued. “Atsa formally designated you to have this home in his will. It's yours, Terra.”
Terra turned and looked at Tahoma in question, bewilderment, but also gratefully acknowledged what was just spoken to her. It took a bit to register with Terra, but her visions started to make more sense. Whenever Terra thought of this house, she instinctively knew she would never have to find another.
While now didn't seem like the appropriate time, Tahoma thought he better outline the conditions to Terra even though he felt that she probably already knew. “There is one hitch, Terra. This house is on reservation land. You cannot sell it without tribe approval. So, basically, you get a life estate here in the house. When you vacate by death or moving, it reverts to the tribe.”
“Oh, I would never sell Atsa's home. Ever. I love it here and I'm glad to have finally returned home,” Terra said emotionally.
Tahoma nodded. He went into the kitchen and retrieved some sandwich makings and set about putting together two sandwiches. “We left the house as Atsa had it. We thought you would like to go through his things. Everything here is yours, so do whatever you want with it all,” Tahoma said as he was slicing up the bread which smelled fresh. “Don't worry, the food is fresh. I brought it up here yesterday, as I figured you'd need to nourish yourself.”
“Yes, thank you, Tahoma, I do. I am really hungry.” Terra took a once over glance at her new home. It was neat and tidy except for the office area. There wasn't anything that Terra felt that needed to be removed. It was all a part of Atsa and for now or forever it would stay.
Tahoma put the plates of sandwiches along with lemonade on the table. Terra joined him and together
they sat, ate, and reminisced. Then Terra remembered and told Tahoma about her experience in the cafe, the fly boys, and that story about the body being dumped out—the body they found years ago—the one with the red sneakers. Tahoma listened and added something more. “The dead man with red shoes and his gang had a very bad gambling problem. The dead man was part of a gang. The two that came scouting for him that night many years ago were also part of the gang. This gang had an issue with the casino. They stole massive amounts of money through card counting and other gimmicks. The casino did not have great security so this gang got away with a lot. But then they were finally confronted by the casino. The casino gave them fair warning to stay away, or the next person entering their facility would disappear. Now how could anyone ignore a card counting gang member with red shoes? So the rest was history.”
Terra saw an incredible sunset sky from her dining room view. Tahoma retrieved some wine coolers from the fridge and suggested they move outside to the deck. There were two Adirondack chairs waiting for them. Terra and Tahoma talked into the early morning hours as dear old friends do. And then it was apparent both were exhausted and spent. Terra told Tahoma to stay over, as it was too late to take him home. Terra walked into the house and into the bedroom, and realized there was only one queen bed. She took Tahoma's reluctant hand and led him into the bedroom.
“This is your side tonight,” Terra said softly and then kidded with truth, “so stay on it.”
Tahoma lay down on top of the comforter and fell fast to sleep. Terra found a light weight bedspread and put it over the top of the both of them. She was asleep inside of one minute.
The next morning, Terra woke up to the smell of coffee and bacon. Irresistible. But more important, first and foremost, was a hot shower. The bathroom was the only room with a door. But step back into the shower room and it was a room with no wall on the outside. This was an external shower room with a view. Terra indulged.
When Terra dressed, she found Tahoma cooking eggs. He had gotten up super early, taken his shower, and started breakfast. Terra approached Tahoma from behind and kissed him on the cheek. It seemed only fitting and natural. Tahoma smiled and handed Terra a stiff cup of java. Soon he had breakfast on the deck and together they gobbled up bacon, eggs, toast, and more coffee. This morning was filled with acceptance. Sorrow was to be placed in the past and the life cycle continued. Atsa saw it that way, and so did Terra and Tahoma. Even though Atsa was gone, Terra felt immense peace in her soul. She was home with family, at least that was how she thought of Tahoma and Yiska.
Terra asked Tahoma if he wanted to stay at the house for a bit. However, Tahoma said he needed to get ready for a geology clinic he was in charge of the next day and that lasted for the coming week. And, he was going to walk home for exercise this morning. Looked like Tahoma was Terra's neighbor, three miles away. Tahoma suggested that Terra go through Atsa's things. Tahoma said when Atsa got sick he began writing. He thought Terra might enjoy the journals. Terra nodded her head yes that she would, and finished the last bite of the breakfast that Tahoma had made her.
Terra saw Tahoma to the front porch. She smiled and commented on his shorter, shoulder length hair cut. Then she pointed to her own similar cut. Tahoma smiled and said he had noticed. In fact he noticed a lot about Terra, but did not believe it was time to make such a move on his brother's widow. Although Atsa conveniently had set up Terra in Tahoma's path. Atsa had urged Tahoma to pick up where he left off twenty-two years ago. Atsa could see that Tahoma had been taken with Terra. But all this was to remain inside Tahoma's heart. For right now was not the suitable time or place to profess his love of Terra.
The two stood facing each other on the front porch. Whether it was Terra or Tahoma that reached out to the other first was unknown. They came together like magnets, and embraced tenderly and emotionally. Their devotion to one another was growing clear. No kissing or petting, just a strong cuddle up hug with a promise of more. When the two were done, Tahoma and Terra smiled coyly. Without words Tahoma stepped down off the porch backwards. He then turned and walked towards home.
Atsa Speaks
Tahoma's departure left Terra empty. She knew in her heart they would be a couple someday and she could wait. For now she turned back to the house and headed to Atsa's office. There were piles of papers strewn about. So Terra gathered up some boxes, labeled them, and organized papers to their proper place. The whole morning was spent in clean up. Many papers were related to hospital bills. A lot of papers were receipts for building his, now her house. Some were boxed as random notes to be deciphered later. By early afternoon the clutter was detained. The room looked neat and tidy except for one box under the desk pushed far back.
Terra got on her knees and slid the box out in the open. Her hands removed the lid. The first thing she saw was a big note: Terra, this box is for you. Her heart hurt. A lump in her throat lodged. She picked up an envelope which held a letter and put it aside. Next there was a nice, white, square box, one that jewelry would come in. Terra removed the lid. Inside she found her mother's bracelet. The one with the mustard seed as a good luck charm, which was the same bracelet Stacy had stolen so many years back. Terra was perplexed. Upon picking up the bracelet another note lay beneath. Terra, Stacy returned this to me to give to you. She said she had found good luck in her heart.
Terra smiled. She did get Stacy to learn after all.
There was a folder with papers of the various stages of the house plans and progression. There was a totem pole with both Atsa's and Terra's symbols incorporated. On the bottom, Atsa carved his name and the date which indicated this was made two years prior. Deeper in the box was another jewelry type box, but much bigger than the last. Removing the lid and unveiling the contents revealed fine bead work. She saw an exquisite eagle neck piece and two matching cuff bracelets. Choline had made them. Her tag was imbedded. Most likely it was what Atsa wore to a ceremony that honored him and/or his totem sign. The rest of the box was handwritten journals. At least twelve at first count. These diaries Atsa had penned over their twenty-two years of separation. The last three ledgers chronicled Atsa's disease and time line. There was much reading to be done. Terra decided it was best left for quiet evenings, which there would be plenty of in the weeks ahead.
Terra turned her attention back to the first letter that she had set her eyes upon. She lifted the flap of the envelope and retrieved the letter inside. It was also handwritten.
My Dearest Terra,
You are reading this because I have joined the spirit world. A bit over a year ago my body began to fail, fast, and miserably so. After receiving the diagnosis, I elected no treatment. I have always known, felt inside, my physical life would be taken away from us before we could be together.
Treatment would have been futile, and honestly I wanted to save you from any pity parties on my account. By the good grace of our gods, my spirit will be relinquished to the heavens prior to our much anticipated anniversary date. I regret not being there in person, but I will be in spirit form as I always will be within you.
These last months the pain has quickened. My body is riddled with disease and daily it is a chore just to maintain. I have made a choice many may not agree with. Terra, please respect my wishes to be set free from my body prematurely. To wait for a death of consumption is punishing. While I am endowed with my faculties and can utilize my free will, I have elected to exercise the curtain call. I understand the potion is quick and painless. It simply stops the heart. Please forgive me if this does not agree with your beliefs.
Terra put the letter down. Tears streaming, tears gushed across her cheeks, dribbling to her chin and beyond. She honored Atsa's choice of death. She pondered a bit, and decided she would have made the same decision. Yet, she looked skyward for answers in understanding how such a brilliant, vivacious man could be cheated out of seeing her one last time. It was not fair. It was not just. It was just plain crappy. But the universe did not play favorites. It did not regard natural events as
good or bad; right or wrong; or judge in any sense of favorites. Spirituality was such that most did not have any sense of its severe effect on us until we were free of our bodies. Then we understood. Atsa was now free, and free to watch over Terra in their new home, and fulfill the mission assigned to him in his spirit body form. Terra picked up the letter and braved to read on.
Terra, you will never know the impact you had on me, and my life that week we spent together. Our love is infinite. I loved you before I met you. And I will continue to love you through infinity. We were destined to meet, as we were unfinished lovers from past lives. I was honored to conclude what we started from another sojourn.
