‘I’ve done fine so far. I can look after myself.’
I’m worried if I say full sentences, I’ll never stop. I’ll tear into him about how much I hate but love him and blame him but owe him. How much I don’t want his advice but need his friendship.
‘No! I got you here, Sola.’ His eyes blaze into mine. ‘It’s my fault you’re here. If you die, I’ll have to live with it.’ He jabs a finger into his chest. ‘So listen to me and stay alive.’
I stare, open-mouthed. Fury vibrates in my chest, infecting my whole body and mind. I clench my teeth and ball my fists. This is why he cares about me. Guilt. This is why he’s nice to me. I see it all so clearly. Where my invented love affair once stood now lives the clear picture of yet another person trying to use me for their own good.
‘Stay away from me,’ I hiss.
‘What?’
‘Stay. Away.’ I meet his eyes. He’s surprised, I can see it. I wonder if I’m really radiating all the hatred and rage that surges through me. I sense him go to speak, to reach out, but I turn and stalk away. I’m too angry to run. I need to walk with control, sending my wrath down into the tarmac and through the earth with each footstep.
Dylan either doesn’t care or actually listens to my request because he doesn’t follow.
Lucky me.
I DODGE TRAINING THE FOLLOWING DAY. My next Demonstration is in two days’ time at Victor, Dylan’s home city. That means I have all of tomorrow to train properly.
I bid Alixis goodbye before we reach the edge of the field, making an excuse about wanting to work on my strength in the gym. Dylan will probably tell her that we’ve had another argument, but I don’t want to get into it right now. I’m still getting to grips with having been Dylan’s charity case since I arrived here.
Once I reach the path leading to the gym, I glance back. Coral now walks beside Alixis, as if she had been lying in wait for me to leave. My fists clench automatically, defences tingling for my best friend. But the two girls look happy enough. When Coral jogs away to Gideon, Alixis even flicks her hand to say ‘bye’.
My teeth clamp together. I scan into the gym slowly, reminding myself I have no right to be jealous. I can’t dictate who Alixis chooses as a friend. Yet that doesn’t stop a bad mood taking over. I grab the heaviest weights from the walk-in cupboard, before yelling out as I try to bring them over my head. They throw my balance, pulling me backwards. To stop my arms from breaking I embrace the fall, cracking my coccyx and the back of my head on the ground. My arms judder with the force of the weights as they, too, smack onto the floor.
‘Ow,’ I say to myself. Suddenly, my eyes are stinging. I’m lying on the floor of the cupboard, crying because my head hurts. Just like a kid. I seriously need a break.
‘Sola,’ a tender voice calls. I swivel my head to see Dao reach me. He crouches down and gently rolls the weights away from my hands.
‘What’s the matter?’ he asks, sitting next to my head. I love him for blocking what must be the most pathetic sight in the world away from the other Demonstrators’ prying glances. I sniff loudly, pulling myself onto my hands with a wince.
‘I fell,’ I say, then laugh at my own childishness. Dao nods, showing me a sheepish grin.
‘I can see that. Come here.’ His natural voice is so quiet it’s practically a whisper. He pulls me into a light hug. Although it hurts my back, it’s soothing to have Dao’s arms around me. I never used to be tactile, but this camp is turning me into a touch-maniac.
‘Is this about your argument with Dylan?’
Good moment: over. I draw back.
‘How do you know about that?’
‘Gideon and I ran into Dylan last night. He was upset, I think.’
‘Oh. What did he say?’ I ask, rubbing the last of tears from my cheeks.
‘I shouldn’t really gossip—’
‘Dao, please. I just want to understand,’ I say.
He sighs. ‘I remember what it was first like with me and Gideon. We didn’t really argue, but we tiptoed around each other so much.’ He lets out a chuckle, looking at nothing but his own memory. His eyes glance to mine. ‘I think that Dylan does really care for you,’ he whispers. ‘But last night he seemed to think that you were selfish. I’m sure he didn’t mean it, though.’
Great. Now Dylan’s angry at me. Even if Dao’s right, if Dylan does care for me the tiniest amount, he’s still trying to control me. And I’m not ready to forgive him just yet. Looking back to Dao, I try to change the subject.
‘Dylan’s right. I’m selfish. I haven’t even asked you about your tour. How is it? You must be nearing your final Demonstration now?’
‘Oh, yeah, I am.’ Dao smiles. ‘I only have five more left. And, do you know that Gideon and I are from the same cities? Gideon finished his tour ages ago, he just stayed here to train, so once I’ve finished my tour we can go home together. Isn’t that amazing?’
‘Yeah, it is.’ I mean it.
‘Everything is going to work out, Sola. Okay?’
‘Yeah.’ I try to smile. ‘Although I better get to the Medic’s Cabin, that fall actually really hurt.’ I clamber up.
Dao giggles. ‘Perhaps your weights were too light?’ he says with a cheeky smile. Although I laugh, my cheeks burn red as I hobble over the gym floor and out into the open.
Once on the playground, I do a slow turn of the camp. Dylan and Alixis train far out on the field, with Coral and Gideon sparring close to them. I won’t find any comfort over there. The Medic’s Cabin has its doors open, inviting me in to be sedated, hooked up to an IV and prodded with every needle available. Or there’s my empty pod shaft, where I can sit alone or dream of people I’ve killed.
With shame creeping up on me, I turn my back on all of those places, limping my way over to Shepherd Fines’ office. He welcomes me with a great smile and wide arms. When I tell him I need a break, he says that just this once he’ll arrange an easy Demonstration in Victor. He tells me it’s his way of compensating for our stay in the hotel the other night. Really, I know what he’s saying sorry for. It’s drugging me; lying to me about William.
Despite this, I accept his help. Even though it proves that Dylan was right: I’m selfish and I’ll trade affections with Shepherd Fines to help myself. I accept his offer because it means I won’t die in two days.
And I really, really need a break.
‘I LOOK RIDICULOUS.’
Alixis’ face is so annoyed it’s hard not to laugh. She stares down at her short, blue dress stretched over her slight belly, then back up at me. I wonder if it was made to fit her pre-bump and pre-busty figure.
‘How come you got the nice one?’ she asks, looking longingly at the full length black thing which she zipped me up in. I shrug. These are the dresses we found laid on our beds about an hour ago and it doesn’t take a genius to work out they’re what we’re supposed to wear to Shepherd Fines’ party.
As promised, my Demonstration win yesterday in Victor was effortless. Well, except that I fainted again. Thankfully, my two victims mainly stumbled around the arena in a daze. On the way back, Shepherd Fines hinted that we will arrange something spectacular soon to win back followers, but for now, it was important to rest.
I shuffle my shoulders around, trying to get rid of the itch on my back. I haven’t worn a dress since I was a kid, and that was only on Mum’s insistence. This one has a cowl neckline and criss-cross spaghetti straps making a string of ‘x’s up my bare back. It also ITCHES.
‘I’d much prefer to be in jeans,’ I say, running my hand over my side plait.
‘I’d much prefer not to have my boobs popping out,’ Alixis replies, before looking through the side of our pod at the party below. I follow her gaze. The Demonstrators are an array of bright colours, lit up by the combined outdoor heaters and mood lights. They mingle around, drinking and eating from the long table spread which has been set out. The screen on Shepherd Fines’ wall is switched so it faces outside. I can hear the faint classical mu
sic it plays even through the pod’s walls.
I can’t help but be nervous. This will be the first time I’ve seen Dylan since our argument. I wonder if he saw my last fight or if he still thinks I’m selfish. Not that I care. I’ve decided that I’m totally and completely not interested in anyone trying to use me for their own gain.
‘Come on then,’ I say, scanning out. ‘You’re going to make a lot of male Demonstrators’ days in that.’
Alixis scowls at me and I’m pleased to say, I totally deserve it.
‘Hey, what’s the deal with Coral by the way?’ Alixis asks, catching me off-guard as we step out of the pod shaft.
‘What do you mean?’
‘She’s been really friendly with me recently, and I don’t get it. She’s like a different person from the girl who writes horrible stuff about you on Debtbook and did that “joke” about your dad.’
I have to stifle my scoff. But then I realise I am being selfish, and Alixis deserves to know the truth if Coral is wrapping her into our games. I touch my friend’s arm, signalling for us to stop before we reach the group of Demonstrators at the party.
‘When Coral’s nice to you, you feel like the most important person in the world. But the more she likes you, the more she’ll turn on you later if you annoy her. Alixis, you can be friends with whoever you like. Just know that Coral was the person who sent me here. We used to be best friends and then she tried to get me killed.’ I say the last bit with a little laugh, because the truth is so absurd it’s quite funny.
‘Right, that’s it. Coral is officially on my hate list,’ Alixis says way too dramatically, eyes narrowing like she was a gangster from that film The Godfather. I can’t help but laugh as we resume our walking.
‘And who else is on that?’
‘Just my old neighbour’s cat. It always got the better of me.’ She carries on in her comical tone. ‘Of course, it’s dead now.’
‘You killed it?’ I ask, still chuckling.
‘No, it had a heart attack. It was actually really sad,’ Alixis says, with a hint of melancholy. I think I murmur an, ‘Oh’ before Alixis looks around.
‘The group’s there.’ She points to where Gideon, Dylan and Dao stand chatting. ‘I’ll be over in a minute.’ With that, she weaves her way through the crowd. I make my way over to the men alone, who fall silent as I approach.
‘Hey,’ I say, daring to glance at Dylan. To my shock he’s looking straight at me. Instantly, his gaze darts away, his hand running through his hair. No one replies to my greeting.
‘Any more news on the big day?’ I ask, referring to Dao’s final Demonstration. Really, I’m just trying to distract myself from how incredibly gorgeous Dylan looks in his suit and black tie.
‘Two weeks,’ Gideon replies, wrapping his arm around Dao’s shoulders protectively.
Thankfully, Alixis’ voice interrupts what I can only describe as four people auditioning for ‘the most awkward silence ever’ award.
‘Get all your laughs out now, come on.’ She challenges the men, no doubt in response to Gideon’s smirk as he takes in her bare legs, chest and arms. As she berates an
unsuspecting Dao for complimenting her, I turn away, grabbing a glass of coke from a passing server. When the server heads Dylan’s way, he too takes a coke before turning back to the group. I guess we are all staying here then.
We chat like this for a while: Alixis making everyone laugh, Dao defending individuals who Gideon makes nasty remarks about, and Dylan and I standing opposite each other, both pretending the other doesn’t exist. Eventually an ivory-coloured suit appears out of the gloom. It belongs to Shepherd Fines, his light brown hair slick with even more gel than usual, an embroidered hanky flopped over his shirt pocket.
‘Ladies! You can stop looking for me now, I’m here!’ He laughs as he approaches, arms outstretched as if we’re his loving children waiting for him to return from work. Dao and Gideon share a look, as if to ask, ‘are we supposed to be ladies?’
‘Sola, may I say, you look breath-taking.’ Shepherd Fines places a hand on his heart, like he were struck by some invisible force. Gideon and Dao separate as Shepherd Fines muscles into our group between them. ‘And you,’ he turns to Alixis, ‘I have some great news for you, Miss Spires. The date of your first Demonstration.’ He laughs at Alixis’ response, which is to stare, then to gasp in delight. ‘It’s on Thursday, next week.’
‘Thank you.’ She smiles widely, and in that moment she is so beautiful I understand what they say about how mothers-to-be glow, despite her awful attire. ‘Thank you.’ Her eyes flicker to Dylan.
‘Lowering the standards a bit, aren’t they?’ A false-innocent voice infiltrates our little group. Coral stands behind Shepherd Fines, smiling as politely as if she had just pointed out a stain on our clothes to protect us from embarrassment.
‘Not at all, child. As a wise man once said, fitness appears in many guises.’ Shepherd Fines speaks in a reverent voice, like he is announcing the secret to life.
‘Who said that, Sir?’ Alixis asks. I can tell she’s desperate to change the subject.
‘Come to think of it, it was me!’
Alixis’ laugh is way too loud, although Shepherd Fines doesn’t seem to notice; in fact, he nods to himself, looking up to the corner; I just know he’s remembering to use that joke again.
Another server appears with a loaded tray in his hand.
‘Great stuff! Miss Spires, would you care for a drink? You’re old enough, aren’t you?’ Shepherd Fines indicates to the champagne-filled glasses atop the tray.
‘No thank you, I don’t drink.’
‘Yeah right.’ Gideon scoffs. ‘How do explain that beer belly then?’ He raises his eyebrows playfully.
The whole camp seems to freeze. I look to Alixis, whose mouth works up and down but nothing comes out. Eventually she makes a strangled sound which I think is supposed to be ‘what the heck,’ and reaches for a drink. It’s painfully obvious how much her hand is shaking.
‘Gideon! You never say that to a woman.’ I feign vanity, distracting the attention from my best friend. ‘Poor Alixis ate so much of that oat bread they served this morning her stomach practically burst. I was like it last week, too, do you remember?’ My laugh sounds mechanical and fake. Alixis shakes her head as if the memory is just too funny.
‘Yeah, you were on the toilet for ages,’ she exclaims.
What the—? I try to hide my alarm with more laughter. Dylan makes a those were the days kind of sigh followed by a little tut. Thank goodness none of us ever went into acting.
Shepherd Fines looks positively disgusted. He glimpses over his shoulder at another group of Demonstrators.
‘Yes, well.’ He clears his throat and looks to me. ‘Perhaps I will see you later when you’re more—’ He runs an eye over Alixis. ‘—alone.’
With that, he walks off, raising his glass to someone else. I’m not sure when Coral left but Gideon goes off to find her, which leaves the four of us standing there. Dao’s the first one to break a giggle, then Alixis and I chuckle, too. As soon as the laughter catches up to Dylan, I stop. I don’t want to find anything funny which he does, too.
‘I thought she was being nice to you?’ I say to Alixis, motioning to where Coral had been standing. She shrugs.
‘I found her earlier. Told her that I’m too old and too ugly for game playing and that she’ll have to find someone else to recruit into her gang.’
I stare, open-mouthed, and to be honest, a little bit in awe of Alixis. She laughs. ‘This does mean that you’re my only friend now, so, get used to it.’
‘Cheers, Alixis,’ Dylan pipes up sarcastically. ‘What about me?’
‘Sorry, Dylan. But Sola’s better.’ Alixis is still grinning and she offers me a wink. Heat begins to flush my face when Dylan goes quiet. He glances to me, a familiar mischief back in those blue eyes.
‘Aye, she is.’
SIX FISH-AND-CREAM ROLLS LATER, and I’m standing by the snacks
table, loading anything I can into my mouth. I’ve never tasted food this rich. Something tells me it’s probably not a good idea considering my next Demonstration could be any day now, but it occupies my time so I don’t have to think about Dylan. Or face him. Or try and fathom out what is really going on with us. Reaching for a pastry jam-packed with some spicy vegetables, I hear Shepherd Fines call me over. My eyes narrow at the pastry, sending it a message of we have unfinished business, before I catch myself. This place is doing weird things to my head.
Shepherd Fines stands with two women I’ve seen around the camp. The shorter, older-looking woman leans in to Shepherd Fines, nodding while he speaks. When I approach I swear her face tightens.
‘Oh, Sola, how good of you to join us.’ Shepherd Fines sounds as if he’s forgotten he just beckoned me over. I give him and the girls a half-hearted smile, my mind still lingering on the food only paces away.
‘You have some cheese on your face.’ The po-faced short woman tells me without actually indicating to where it is. I wipe my jaw with my arm as Shepherd Fines chortles.
‘Kofi has asked me for some tips on her next Demonstration, but as you know, I like to leave that to you professionals!’ He raises his eyebrows as though we’re all in on some private joke. ‘Have you got any advice for her?’ he asks me. It’s quite clear from Kofi’s face she wasn’t hoping for this. To me, it’s hilarious that girls fawn over Shepherd Fines. I’m so used to dismissing him as a pest that I overlook how good-looking he is, how most people would find the mix of power and good cheer attractive.
‘Well, I’m actually further into my tour than you are so don’t worry about it.’ Kofi dismisses me with a flick of her hand and a quick smile. Her voice is pleasant enough, so I shrug and look around, trying to find an excuse to leave.
Straight away, someone touches the curve of my back. In this dress, their touch is silky, like their hand might slide off accidentally. Although he’s standing right next to me, I’m surprised to find the touch belongs to Shepherd Fines. He leans down to my sight level.
After the Fear (Young Adult Dystopian) Page 17
