Shepherd Fines activates the door behind me from his desk. It slides open, my cue to leave. I turn to go, but can’t help myself. I pause.
‘You once said you didn’t want to be like Dr Frankenstein. For the record, I don’t think you are. You’re a good person made to do bad things. You’re the monster. Just like me.’
‘Great stuff,’ he says in a hollow tone. ‘Goodbye, Miss Herrington.’
I TRAIN. Dylan refuses to believe that I’m going to die. At first, it’s irritating, this never ending denial, but his fantasies begin to sweep me away, too. Maybe this doesn’t have to be the end. Maybe I haven’t killed seventy-three people just to lose a fight I never stood a chance of winning. Maybe I can find a way to survive.
So every day I’m not Demonstrating, I train. I’m in the middle of a parry with Dylan when the date of my final Demonstration goes on Debtbook.
20th January 2100.
Seventeen days.
My followers sky rocket. I hear the tickets are sold out within minutes. The Shepherds double the price of downloading the live footage. There’s even an application that allows you to vote for whoever you think will win.
When Alixis checks the current results, she winces. That’s all I need to know about that.
I even consider blackmailing Shepherd Fines. I know so much. I could tell the other Shepherds that it was Fines who told me about the monthly sales and get him into trouble. Or, I can say I will kill myself before the big fight so that he loses all the money for the tickets. But both of those threats are suicide, and I think Fines knows me well enough to know I’m not the kind of girl to give up on my own life.
No, it’s time to face up to the situation I’ve made for myself.
Instead of counting down the days until my fight, I tick off the Demonstrations. City Foxtrot—where I practise fighting with my left hand. In Echo, I don’t let myself kick. Right before my fight in Delta, I run laps until I hit the wall, and enter the Stadium exhausted—that was risky, considering the two contestants ended up being ex-Herd officers. I attempt—and fail—to keep my eyes closed the whole way through my Demonstration in city Charlie, and I nearly meet my maker in Bravo after refusing to eat the day before.
In Alpha, the biggest, most affluent city I’ve ever visited, I request for the contestant to be armed with a gun. The Liaisons comply, but it turns out they only put a blank in. I guess they can’t let me die before my final fight. It’s a good job too, because the blank fires right at me. My body becomes a canvass of cuts and bruises.
I don’t see Shepherd Fines in those two weeks. His office light is sometimes on, but the few times I’ve knocked on his door, I’ve been ignored. My dad’s profile is constantly open on my digipad, and each time I see that’s he’s safe, guilt pangs through me at thinking that Shepherd Fines would harm him. My life is a pendulum, relentlessly swinging in between assurance and paranoia. Fear and determination.
Four days before our fight, I spot Gideon training Coral. Gideon, who probably saved my life when he became my trainer months ago by pushing me harder than Dylan would have. Gideon, who still hates me for my connection to Shepherd Fines. Who is training another girl to kill me.
My tongue stings with how hard I bite it to stop me from crying out in frustration. They’ve obviously been watching my fights. Coral trains with her right arm tied behind her back. Her left arm darts out like a viper, hitting home again and again.
‘She’s taking every advantage away from me!’ I scream when I reach the oak tree where Dylan and Alixis are waiting. It’s unusually warm for January, and the air tastes stagnant, like a damp towel at the bottom of the laundry basket. I brush Dylan’s hand away from my shoulder as I pace in front of the tree.
‘Every time I think I’m getting ahead, she’s there, doing it better than me. She’s got a sword and a gun. What more does she want?’
‘She wants you dead,’ Alixis says casually.
In the silence that follows, she looks up from her digipad. At least she has the courtesy to look sheepish.
‘Sorry, but it’s true. Think fast.’ She launches her digipad towards me and I catch it easily. The screen displays Coral’s profile. Her picture is an insanely beautiful headshot of her after a Demonstration. She’s updated her status as:
Coral Winters has an annoying itch which she is looking forwards to getting rid of. Only four more days!!
I can’t help myself. I throw Alixis’ digipad back to her, admittedly a little harder than I should ever throw anything at a pregnant woman, and pull my own digipad from my pocket. My hand is shaking as I type out a status. Pathetic? Yes. Childish? Yes. I can’t care less.
Sola Herrington thinks an itch can often turn into something serious. Four more days.
Alixis must see the update on her own digipad because she cocks her head to the side.
‘Are you suggesting Coral has an STI?’ she asks.
‘What? No. I’m saying she shouldn’t underestimate me.’
‘Oh, right.’
I ball my hands so tight my fingernails leave half-moon shapes on my palm. I’m sure I’ll find this funny one day. But not right now. It doesn’t help that Alixis is still examining my comment, her face scrunched up like she is solving a puzzle.
‘I need someone to fight this instant otherwise I’m going to go insane,’ I say through gritted teeth.
Dylan steps up to the challenge.
***
‘QUICKER!’ Dylan barks. He comes at me again with the gun. I swerve to the side while grabbing his wrist and push it away from my body in a heartbeat. As soon as I have control, I twist his wrist and retrieve the gun.
‘You’re too slow! Again, quicker this time.’
***
A NOW-FORGIVEN TABBY sits on my feet as I force my head up to meet my knees.
‘Two ‘undred an thirty-eight. Come on, Sola!’
She wants me to defeat Coral more than anyone, I think. I’ve tried telling her none of this is her fault, but she doesn’t believe me. I had no idea that she had been sharing a pod with my enemy since she arrived. No idea that Coral promised Tabby she could go home if she did what Coral asked. Once Coral got what she wanted, she cast Tabby and the false promises aside.
I think of the child’s expression when she realised she wouldn’t be going home to spur me on. My stomach muscles scream out for release.
‘Two ‘undred an thirty-nine. Just sixty-somethin’ more to go!’
***
‘WHY. Do I. Have. To. Punch a bag twice my weight?’ I breathe between hooks. ‘Coral’s. Only. Taller. Than me.
Dylan walks around the punch bag so he’s facing me. ‘You answered your own question. In two days, when you hit Coral like you’re hitting this bag, she’ll feel like a piece of paper. Now more attacking, less talking.’
When I shoot Dylan a murderous look, he grins. I lose what little strength remains in my arms. Just as quickly, Dylan touches the small of my back.
‘Stay alive, for me,’ he whispers into my ear.
With that, I rein blows down on the bag as if I was fighting for my life right then and there.
***
MY ARMS SHAKE. I hang from the tree branch like a stick insect. I can’t pull myself up. Not again. Sweat drips over my mouth and down my neck. I need to be sick, but I don’t have the energy.
‘One more pull-up, and I’ll get Dylan to take off his top,’ Alixis pipes up. I laugh, and hit the ground with a painful thud.
***
THE NIGHT BEFORE MY FIGHT, I complete Dylan’s tailored-to-me obstacle course in under a minute, but strangely enough, my body aches less than it has in two weeks.
As I catch my breath, Dylan announces that my training is officially over. There’s a second of silence, before Tabby storms out of the indoor gym in a huff. Alixis shakes her head, pushes off the bench with great effort, and touches my arm on her way past.
‘I’ll see you back in the pod,’ she says softly. Her gaze drifts to Dylan and back to me. I co
uld kiss her in that moment. She always seems to know exactly what to do. It’s not fair that she won’t get to be a mum; she would be so good at it.
I turn to Dylan as Alixis’ footsteps echo through the gym. His strong eyebrows come together, avoiding my gaze as I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer to me.
We both know that the time has come. We’ve got to say goodbye.
Even in the best possible scenario—I win against all odds—we can’t be together. I might see him occasionally in Juliet’s Stadium, or maybe at another Demonstrator event like Coral’s party, but it’s not as though we can make casual trips in the spinner to see each other. Even if Dylan gives up Demonstrating, he can only go back to city Victor; the Shepherds will never let us travel between cities.
How can I leave him? This person who makes me laugh and smile and giggle like the nervous school girl I am, who kissed me at a party and made me fall in love with him a little bit more every day since that moment. This person who yesterday told me he’s loved me since he saw me bouncing within a torrent of leaves on a trampoline—arms reaching for the sky, sucking in air as if I could find answers in the wind.
He holds me tighter and buries his head into my hair.
‘Not yet,’ he says, his voice tight. He runs his hand over the back of my neck and kisses my lips so gently that my breath catches. I nod, although in my mind I know we’re out of time. I can’t leave without hearing him say ‘I love you’ once more. I can’t die without telling him he’s one of the best things that’s ever happened in my life, even if it did lead to this.
‘Okay,’ I whisper, making a mental note to force him to say goodbye before we part. ‘Let’s go and check on Tabby.’
We find her on the brick wall that separates the camp buildings from the servers’ homes. She has her arms crossed and looks away angrily when we approach. Seeing her makes me think of William, and I can’t decide who has it worse. William, who was too injured to be any use in further Demonstrations and who they sent away to become a slave in Greece. Or Tabby, who will have to kill dozens of people just to get a chance to go home.
‘What are you looking at?’ I ask gently as I sit next to Tabby. She huffs dramatically and turns farther away. Dylan and I wait in silence, and sure enough, she evidently tires of the silent treatment and looks over. Her lips make an irritated pout.
‘It int fair. Why d’yer have to die?’
‘She might not,’ Dylan says firmly. I give him a subtle shake of my head. This isn’t the time.
‘No one wants me to live more than I do, Tabby.’
She sighs again, less angry this time. ‘If you die, then she’s gonna come back here.’
I hate that fact myself.
‘Alixis will look out for you. She likes you, you know.’ It’s true. With Tabby around, Alixis seems to have found something to hang on to again. Her lively personality is creeping back, bit by bit.
‘Oh yeah, I know that,’ she says as if it’s obvious. I can’t help but grin. ‘But you don’t like me. Or you’d come back to live at t’ camp if yer won.’
Although I don’t glance to him, I know Dylan’s looking at me, gauging my reaction. This isn’t something we’ve discussed, but from the moment the idea entered my mind, I’ve known my answer.
‘I can’t do that, Tabby. I have a dad to go home too. He’ll be lonely without me.’
She stays quiet for a while, as if digesting the fact that I could have a dad too.
‘S’pose he would. Oh all right then. You can go. Just tell Lixy she can’t forget about me when that babby comes out her belly.’
‘Will do.’
‘And’— she eyes Dylan suspiciously as she steps down from the low wall. ‘Be careful of him,’ she whispers. ‘He’s right funny, always lookin’ at yer when yer can’t see.’
I stiffen my smile and nod seriously. ‘I’ll keep my eye on him.’
She seems satisfied, and after all of that merely gives me a little wave and a ‘see ya’ before skipping off to her pod.
Dylan pulls on a tuft of his hair.
‘She makes it sound like I’m some weirdo. It’s not like there’s anything better to look at.’ As soon as he speaks, he cringes. ‘I meant because you’re beautiful, not just the best out of a bad—’
I laugh. Once I start, I can’t stop. This second is why I love Dylan. His voice is so mesmerising, and he’s so charming when he tries hard. But as soon as he lets his guard slip, he puts his foot in it totally and completely. I let the giggles take me over, my voice mingling in with his chuckles. Even when tears roll down my cheeks, and I know they aren’t from laughing, I keep going. I shuffle closer to Dylan and hold him as tight as I can. We cackle together until there’s nothing funny anymore.
ON THE MORNING OF MY FINAL DEMONSTRATION, I wake up cuddling Alixis. I don’t even remember snuggling into her bed last night after Dylan and I said a quick, ‘see you tomorrow.’ One of her arms curls around her slowly rising bump, and the other holds my hand. She smells homely, like wheat cereal after you add the milk. Loving Alixis as much as I do makes me wonder what I used to be thinking with Coral. I believed I was lucky if she spoke to me nicely. I hankered after all my old memories with her, convincing myself she was a nice person ‘deep down’. As unromantic as the truth is, I see now that some people are just cruel. Fine, it might be because of some underlying circumstance, but haven’t we all been through something? My mum was murdered, for goodness’ sake. It didn’t make me treat everyone else like garbage.
I finally found people who love me for who I am, not what I can do for them or how I can make them feel better about themselves. Tabby, Alixis, Dylan, and even Shepherd Fines, once upon a time. Even though I’m leaving them all today, one way or another, I’m so happy I met them, thankful I realised the world was a bigger place than city Juliet.
I shuffle away from Alixis and edge out of the bed. This isn’t the time to get sentimental.
I’ve arranged to meet Dylan after my makeup and wardrobe is sorted this morning. But before all of that, there’s something else I have to do. I scan out as a voice pips up behind me.
‘Sola?’
Alixis leans up in bed, looking at me through bleary eyes. I go to speak but she cuts me off.
‘I would have called him Felix.’
I start. Alixis hasn’t even acknowledged her baby in months.
‘If, for even a moment, you falter tonight, just remember that. She might not deserve to die but if one of you does, it isn’t you.’ She pauses, looks down at her six-month tummy. ‘I would have called him Felix,’ she repeats.
I nod. I understand what’s she’s trying to do, but she needn’t worry. I won’t hesitate to make the kill.
‘Alixis, I—I’m glad I…’ I trail off. I’m no good at goodbyes. I thought Dylan has been putting ours off, but maybe I have too. There’s nothing to say.
‘Look, get out of here and let a pregnant woman rest, would you?’ She smiles and gives me her trademark wink. I try to remember every detail of her face but end up staring, unable to move or say anything. Alixis heaves a great sigh, jokingly rolling her watery eyes before flopping back down in the bed.
It’s easier when I’m not looking at her.
‘You’re my best friend, Alixis.’
‘Oh Sola,’ she whines. Then, ‘You’re my best friend too. But if you wanted me to pray for you, you could have just asked.’
I laugh. Maybe that’s why we get on so much, because everything has to be a joke with us. When I turn away I know I’ll never see her again.
Still in my pyjamas, I head through the silver-grey dawn and take the stairs to Shepherd Fines’ office two by two. When I reach the door, I place the book I’ve carried with me right outside it. I hope returning his copy of Frankenstein will say all the things I wish I could.
I’m sorry. You can be a good man. It’s too late for me, but maybe you can help someone else. You’re not Dr Frankenstein.
It’s a long shot. I admit tha
t.
I stare at the camp as if it’s a snap shot as I make my way to the Wetpod: the office which I still think of as a watchtower; the playground which really isn’t a playground at all; the shafts reaching up high with their pods sprouting from every side.
The few Demonstrators already awake stare and whisper as I walk past, but I don’t care. They probably see someone going to their death sentence. Well, the fight isn’t over yet. One woman wishes me good luck, explaining she once had the misfortune to accidentally step on Coral’s foot. The look she gives me says it all.
The steam room is full of a sandalwood scent today. It’s earthy and real, and I languish in my swimsuit for a while. The warmth is a stunning contrast to the late January air outside.
I turn the shower faucet from steaming hot to freezing cold, concentrating on every sensation. Suddenly, I need to experience every smell, sight, emotion, sound, and touch out there. I wonder if I’ve wasted my life even though I’ve done more in my seventeen years than most people in Juliet ever experience.
With damp hair, I whisper goodbye to the Wetpod wall. I eat my breakfast in the refectory alone, soaking in the smell of porridge and processed eggs. I roll every bite of my toast on my tongue, sucking the butter out and revelling in the salty taste.
It’s only when I’m outside and see a flash of red leaving the Medic’s Cabin that my heart seems to stop and my breathing quickens.
Unfortunately, Coral sees me. She stops walking, causing the three Herd officers who surround her to pause. Coral cocks her head to the side and just stares at me. This is the day she must have been waiting for. Everything she’s done since her final Demonstration; trying to kill me in the Stadium, roping Tabby into spying on me; leading Shepherd Fines to walk in on me when I was with Dylan. It’s all led up to today. Our fight to the death. I don’t know whether it’s because she wants to avenge her father, or just to prove to the country that she’s a better Demonstrator than I am. Maybe she just really wants me dead. Either way, the sentiment is mutual. After everything’s she’s done, I’m ready to say goodbye to my childhood friend.
After the Fear (Young Adult Dystopian) Page 24
