“Charmian, my love, I won’t be needing your services tonight. I will see you in the morning,” she looked at me pointedly. Her way of giving me the night with Hasani, while she still gave herself a chance to say goodbye in the morning.
“Yes, my queen,” I agreed quietly. “At morning’s light. Enjoy your evening.”
“I plan to,” she murmured as Antony released his grip and held out his arm.
She took it and together they wove their way through the swarming crowd to the hall- every inch the regal queen and her consort. They exuded confidence and strength, even though they were painfully aware that Egypt would fall tomorrow.
Even Antony, full of swagger and arrogance, knew. It was inevitable. Yet, they both kept their chins up and their brave faces on. I desperately wished that the history books could see what I was seeing right now.
I watched them disappear before turning to Hasani. I found him staring down at me in anticipation.
“Are you ready to retire also, my lady?” he asked knowingly, tracing my collarbone lightly with his thumb.
“Hmm. I don’t know. I had my heart set on watching the dancers for a while longer,” I teased, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him close.
“I think not, my love,” he replied huskily. “I find that I am quite tired. And I have a big day tomorrow.”
I swallowed hard as a sudden pain pierced my heart. Yes, he did have a big day tomorrow. No matter how hard I tried to block it out, it kept coming back. Tick, tick, tick. Our time together was slipping away. His hourglass was running out.
“Okay, my warrior,” I smiled weakly, trying not to let him see my distress. “We should retire so that you can rest.”
“Oh, I’ll rest,” he confirmed. “Eventually.”
I smiled and led the way to the long side corridor that would lead us to my rooms.
With every step I took, my heart thudded harder and by the time we reached my bedchambers, it was racing erratically, pounding against my sternum. How was someone supposed to say goodbye to the person that they loved more than life, without being able to say the actual words?
We had barely made it inside the room before Hasani turned to me, grasping me to him tenderly. Leaning on my tip-toes, I tasted his lips, tentatively at first and then more urgently. He groaned into my mouth and I pressed myself into him as closely as I could. But honestly, it just wasn’t close enough. It never would be.
We collapsed onto my bed as he cradled my head with his palm. Lowering his head, he kissed me again, his soft lips ever-gentle. And then he was completely still. I opened my eyes and found him staring at me in the darkness.
“Charmian, I love you. More than life itself and I can’t wait until you are my wife. We are going to have an amazing life.” His handsome face was earnest as he spoke.
I tried to ignore the shattering pain emanating from my chest region as my heart silently broke into pieces.
“Yes, my love,” I whispered.
He watched me with concern.
“Charmian, there is such distress on your face. Are you worried about Octavian? I wish you would not. He will come, we will fight him and he will return to Rome with his tail between his legs like the cur that he is.”
I cringed at his confident tone. His warrior’s heart would not allow him to acknowledge that tomorrow was already lost.
Oh, yes. Octavian would return to Rome, but not in defeat. He would return in victorious splendor and have a triumphant parade. In fact, he wanted to drag Cleopatra and Antony through the streets of Rome behind his chariot in humiliation, but their suicides would prevent that atrocity. God, the thought of his arrogant face made me want to throw up. But obviously, I couldn’t mention any of that.
Hasani stared at me now with such trusting adoration in the lamplight that I almost couldn’t stand it. How could I send him off in the morning knowing what would happen to him? The knowledge was killing me. I bit my lip to prevent myself from blurting out a warning. And then bit it harder. This was unbearable.
“Hasani, please… promise me that you will be safe tomorrow. Please be careful and don’t try to be a hero. If Antony surrenders, I want you to surrender with him. Please.”
I rushed the words before I could change my mind and not say them. I wasn’t breaking any rules. Not technically. Except for maybe that last sentence. I felt a twinge of sudden guilt.
“What do you mean, Charmian?” He all but smiled. “Antony will not surrender and neither will I. We are warriors.” The humor was evident in his voice.
“And warriors don’t surrender?” I guessed.
“No, warriors do not surrender.” He nodded.
“What about fear?” I watched his face. “Are you afraid, Hasani?”
“My love, why are you asking these questions? I am only eager to get this fight out of the way so that you and I can begin our lives. My only wish is to defeat Octavian quickly so that Egypt can once again exist in peace. I look forward to a time when I no longer need to fight.”
“So, no fear then?” I couldn’t explain why, but I needed to hear the words. The thought of him being afraid made it all seem even worse.
“No fear, my love. Only acceptance. It must be done and I have trained for it my entire life. But I look forward to seeing your beautiful face at the end of the day.”
He trailed his fingers down the side of my face as he spoke, gazing into my eyes. The love that shone in his took my breath away.
Oh, God. I couldn’t continue this conversation. Not if I wanted to remain sane, because every ounce of my being was desperately screaming to warn him, to keep him safe. To shield him, to protect him… but I couldn’t. And I knew that if I opened my mouth, I might utter something that would change history. So instead, I reached for his warm body, enveloping his lips with mine, silencing any more dangerous words.
The night passed quickly. Much too quickly. I watched him sleep for hours, watching the even rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, tracing the outline of the muscle in his arm. I laid my head on his chest, listening to the rhythmic beat of his heart, sobbing silently as he slept blissfully unaware.
I memorized each plane of his face in the flickering torchlight. The cleft in his chin, the dimples that appeared when he smiled, the shiny silk of his hair. Picking up his hand, I intertwined my fingers with his, memorizing the weight and warmth of his hand within mine. I buried my face into his neck and inhaled his musky, masculine scent. And finally when I knew that I couldn’t commit another thing to memory, I drifted off to sleep in his arms.
When I awoke, it was not even daybreak yet. Hasani was dressing in the soft light of an oil lamp. Rising from bed, I helped him fasten his chestplate and pulled his hair into a sleek ponytail at his neck. Blinking hard, I kissed the side of his neck and then his mouth. I couldn’t stand to pull myself away…I wanted to hold him forever. He stepped away from me a few minutes later.
“Charmian, my love. Do not fear. I will be safe. I love you.”
He kissed me one more time. It was the last time. I knew that. Was every last kiss this difficult? I forced my erratic heart to calm as I looked into his beautiful dark eyes, clenching my fists so tightly that I was probably drawing blood with my fingernails.
“I love you, too, Hasani. Be safe today, my warrior.”
He nodded and walked out, pausing in the doorway to smile at me one last time. And then he was gone. Gone from my sight, gone from me. Forever. My entire world stopped. His absence was that profound.
I struggled to breathe as I rushed to my balcony to watch as he emerged from the lower level and strode confidently across the courtyard to meet Antony. Massive warships were already in the harbor and my pulse quickened at the sight of their billowing sails. I watched Hasani’s broad shoulders until he disappeared from my view.
And then he was gone.
I didn’t even bother to get dressed as I rushed from my room and fled to Cleopatra’s in my dressing gown. I found her already in a heap on the floor of her b
alcony. She knew that Marc Antony would also die this day.
Collapsing next to her, I wrapped my arms around her slender body and we sobbed together. This was definitely too much to bear… even though I had seen it coming, even though I had been through it before.
Sadness like I had never known overwhelmed me and I felt like I would never be strong enough to stand it.
“I can’t do this, I can’t. I can’t.”
I didn’t even realize that I had whispered out loud until Cleopatra wiped the tears from her cheeks and then grasped my arms, turning me to face her.
I stared directly into the steely eyes of the last pharaoh of Egypt. The determination and strength that I found there bolstered my resolve and I felt my own tears stop flowing.
“Charmian, you can and so can I. It is what it is… and we’re strong.”
She was beautiful and delicate and strong, all at the same time and I nodded as I slumped against her, while we watched the ships sail into the port. There were so many that the water was scarcely even visible between the thick, creaking wood of the boats and the huge billowing sails that filled the sky.
Finally, I sat up straight and pushed the hair out of my face, staring at Cleopatra with stinging, red eyes.
“I have to leave now, your highness,” I murmured as pain ricocheted in my ribcage. “I can’t stay here any longer. I’m sorry that I have to leave you this way. It is unbearable, I know. But in the coming days, know this… no matter what the pain is like here, we will survive this.”
She nodded, pain and grief washing over her face in waves. She was the only other person in the history of the world who knew what I was feeling right now. I felt closer to her than ever.
I watched Ahmose soundlessly appear in the queen’s chambers and stand silently against the wall, waiting for us to say our goodbyes. His eyes were kind and he was silent as he patiently waited. Cleopatra reached out to me and drew me close to her.
“Thank you, sweetling,” she whispered softly as she gently tucked my hair behind my ear.
As she moved, she stirred her soft, clean scent and I inhaled it, re-committing it to memory.
“I know that I will never again remember what you are and what I am. So I want you to know right now that I appreciate all that you do for me. I love you, Charmian. You are my most treasured one.”
She stepped back, tears streaming down her face. This was definitely too much to bear. I swallowed hard.
“I love you, too, Cleopatra. It is always an honor to serve you.”
“How will I know you in our next life?” she asked me hesitantly, her eyes frozen on mine.
“Your soul will always know mine, my friend. We will always be connected, all throughout time. And even though we will appear in different ways, our souls will always be the same.”
She nodded, then reluctantly pulled away, only to grab me for one last hug. As she stood with her slender arms wrapped around my waist, she whispered in my ear.
“Until I see you again…. Take care of yourself.”
I felt the tears streaming down my own cheeks, turning everything into a blurry mess. Blindly, I nodded to Ahmose.
Inhaling the fragrant Alexandrian breeze, I felt him take my hand and I listened as he began to murmur, his raspy voice blending into a chant. The bloodstone began to spread familiar warmth into my arms and I closed my eyes.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
The afternoon sun in my room was blinding and I waited for my eyes to adjust, gazing around my brightly lit room. My bed was neatly made, my bedroom door swung widely open. Amazing. Ahmose had brought us back to the same exact moment that Annen had first appeared to me. Right about this time, I had been screaming … and my memories as Charmian had been unlocked.
Hasani. I gulped, fighting back tears. He was dead now. As were the rest of us. Pain ripped through my chest and I blinked away the memory of his perfect face. His eyes, his mouth… I pushed it away. I would have to grieve later. Right now, I knew I had yet another difficult conversation to attend to. I tried to ignore the burning in my eyes.
Turning to Ahmose, I found him staring at me, his onyx eyes glittering. His ancient body was still as he observed me.
“Charmian, you have done well. I apologize once again- I know it was unbearable.”
I nodded mutely, grasping for what to say.
“I know now why my memories are wiped away, Ahmose,” I murmured painfully. “This is unbearable. I’ve lost Hasani and I feel as though I just want to die, too.”
He stared at me in surprise.
“Charmian, you haven’t lost Hasani. I would have thought you had put that together. You’re a smart girl. You will find Hasani in this life. Or he will find you. One way or the other, you will be together again- just as you are in every life. Your souls are like magnets….attracted to each other life after life.”
I stared at him in shock.
“Then… Hasani is…”
“Your soulmate.”
My heart still felt like a frozen lump in my chest. But at the same time, I felt a tiny bit of peace. He wasn’t gone. He was mine. In every life. It was too much to wrap my mind around, but I felt overwhelming relief. I hadn’t lost him. I just had to be patient until I found him again.
“I’m taking your bloodstone back with me, Charmian. Then, when the time is right, very soon, I will appear to you again and we will begin your cycle all over again.”
I nodded.
“How will I recognize Cleopatra, Ahmose?”
He smiled gently. “You just will. You always do.” He laid his fragile hand on my shoulder. “Until then… behave yourself.”
And he was gone. Just like that. All that remained was his incensy, sweaty scent. I suddenly felt incredibly empty and weary.
I sank weakly onto my bed, my hands shaking. I couldn’t believe it was over. My life as Charmian had been so vibrant, so…important. And now here I was, Macy Lockhart again in Pasadena, California. Everything seemed so trivial now.
And my heart was desperately aching for Hasani. How unfair was it that I had to mourn in private? I could never tell another soul… and Hasani would be forgotten by history. Now that was unfair. He had been so important, so brave… but no one would remember his name. Except for me. It was a travesty.
Burying my face into the cool sheets of my bed, exhaustion weighed me down. I shouldn’t be tired… it had been morning when I left Alexandria and it was only early afternoon now. But I felt as though I had been awake for weeks, as though I was experiencing a two-thousand year jetlag. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Before I could think even one more coherent thought, my heavy eyelids fluttered closed and I slept a dreamless sleep.
* * *
To: Macy Lockhart
From: Jessa Gray
Subject: WAKE UP
Seriously—this depression over that idiot is ridiculous. I’ve called a million times- your mom said you’ve been sleeping for TWO DAYS. You’d better get up or she’s going to call someone. You know that she has psychiatrist friends. And they have straight-jackets. You know what- never mind. I’m coming over. And I’m bringing reinforcements.
See you in a minute.
Jess (aka Still the hotter Gray sister)
“Wake up, Sleepyhead.”
I grumpily grabbed a pillow and thrust it over my head to tone out the annoyingly cheerful voice.
“Come on, Mace. Wake up.”
Long pause.
“Maa-cccy,” it sang.
The chirpy voice was relentless, so I yanked the pillow down and peered around it into the bright morning sunlight.
Jessa and Jenn both stood beside my bed, identical in every way. Chin length pointy bobs, pixie faces, impish grins. They weren’t dressed identically, though. They drew the line there. They both thought it was tacky, one of the few things they could agree on.
“Why are you here so early?” I grumped, burying my face back into my pillow.
�
�Early? Are you ill, Macy?”
Jess picked up my clock and turned it my way. It was 12:30. I guess I really had been jetlagged. Or heartbroken. I’d put money on that last one.
“We came over to cheer you up,” Jenn announced as she opened my closet doors. “You need to get up so that we can go shopping. Some retail therapy will do you some good.”
“Cheer me up?” I mumbled in confusion, because they had no idea what I’d been through lately. But no sooner had the words come out than I caught a glimpse of the picture lying face down on my nightstand. Oh, yeah- Derek. The lying, cheating worm.
Surprisingly, I wasn’t upset in the slightest about him anymore. Or maybe that wasn’t so surprising. I had spent the last couple of weeks with a real man, a beautiful warrior. Derek’s boyish games were inconsequential. My heart belonged to a dead man. But of course I couldn’t mention that.
“Oh, right,” I mumbled as I swung my legs out of bed and took the pair of jeans and long sleeved t-shirt that Jenn handed me. Wiggling into my jeans, I turned to them.
“I’m fine, really,” I tried to assure them, taking note of their identical concerned expressions. “You guys don’t need to spend your Saturday babysitting me.”
Jess looked appalled.
“Do you really think that we would allow our best friend to mope at home alone about her loser boyfriend? Girl, please!” She rolled her eyes before she and her sister nodded in unison. “We have shopping to do anyway and we’re taking you with us.”
I sighed and swore silently. The mall, a place filled with hundreds of carefree people, was the last place in the world I wanted to be. I preferred to stay at home in seclusion and mourn my secret loss. But I could tell from the looks on their faces that Jess and Jenn weren’t going to have that. It would be out of the question.
Sighing again, I trudged into the bathroom to pull my hair into a ponytail and brush my teeth. A few minutes later, I emerged- fresh faced and ready to go. We piled into Jess’ little blue bug and headed for the mall, my forehead pressed forlornly against my window.
Every Last Kiss, Final Copy, June 30, 2011 Page 20
