‘Gwarw,’ I said, ‘get her down. I don’t want the babe getting a cold.’ The child backed away, guided by the old woman’s hand and sat beside Cynfeddw.
‘I like the babby,’ she announced, earning herself a scowl from my eldest son.
‘I don’t,’ he said and pushed his playmate from her cushion.
‘Of course you do,’ I snapped. ‘Wait until he is grown and can join in the fun, you will like him better then.’ Cynfeddw set his jaw and I thrust away the undeniable fact that he was a replica of me and told myself instead that he was exactly like his father.
‘No, I won’t. Babies are stupid and I think that one is a changeling, why else should his hair be red.’
My heart gave a little leap of fear and I wondered who had been gossiping for his words were not those of a child.
‘How silly,’ I gave him a doting smile. ‘Your grandmother was red-headed. Hedyn takes after her, that is all.’
He wiped his nose on his sleeve and looked at the slimy trail left there.
‘Angharad said he is a changeling. She said that dark-headed parents give birth to dark-headed babies. The fairies took your real son away and left that one instead.’
‘Perhaps Angharad needs to feel the cut of my whip.’
Ffreur put down her harp and came closer to the fire, kneeling on the cushions with the children.
‘I was talking to Twm this morning, you know young Twm from the cooking hall? Well, he told me that the kitchen cat has six new-born kittens. Shall we visit them after prayers?’
I shot her a thankful glance and disengaging Hedyn’s mouth from my nipple, sat him like a small sack on my lap while I rubbed his back. He let out a loud burp and a trail of milk trickled down his chin. Cynfeddw and Medyl dissolved into laughter, making a quiver of amusement tug at the corners of my own mouth, but I sobered quickly and offered Hedyn my other breast.
‘Can I have a kitten, Mother, one of my own to keep in my sleeping place?’ Now Cynfeddw was all smiles, cajoling and sweet, but I refused to be pacified.
‘We will have to see how good you are; how well you do at your studies; how polite you are to me; how nice you are to your brother.’
Deflated, he flopped back on the cushion and then, catching sight of the chestnuts, reached out to take one.
‘Ow!’
The chamber flew into disarray as Ffreur snatched his hand from the hearth and doused it with ale, drenching both his hand and the arm of his tunic. He sat dripping, his mouth open in a great wail of self-pity and Medwyl, seeing his anguish, immediately joined in. I leaned forward, dislodging Hedyn from my nipple who, vexed at the loss, added his own screams to the racket. And on to this chaotic scene came Cadafael.
‘Father.’ Cynfeddw held out his arms, a picture of grief and the King swept the boy into his arms, hugging him while Medwyl leapt onto his foot and clung to his leg. Cadafael’s hounds began to bark and one of them swept a tray of drinks from the table with his great tail.
My feelings for Cynfeddw had never been strong and from the very beginning he had been his father’s son. Since I nearly lost him I had hoped I would be more tolerant toward him but he irritated me enormously and as for Medwyl, well, I began to wonder why I put up with either her or her dratted mother. Something inside me snapped.
‘Oh, for Frith’s sake.’ I stood up, dumped Hedyn onto Gwarw’s lap and disappeared into my sleeping place where, safe behind the curtain, I put my hands to my head and slumped onto the bed. There was never any peace. I longed to be left alone, to get to know my new son, to listen to music, to dream of Osian. I wanted contentment and most of all, to stop feeling so very alone. Even though I was constantly surrounded by people; family, servants and children, the solitude was unbearable. Tears of self-pity dripped upon my fingers.
I wiped my eyes with the heels of my hand, blew my nose and took a deep, ragged breath. I should go back to the company but I could hear Cadafael and Ffreur consoling the children, and Gwarw was pacing the floor with the babe, singing gently. They seemed to be managing without me.
Why could I not like them? Why did they exasperate me so? Was domesticity always like this? After a time it went quiet. I heard the door close and someone stoking the fire, and then a soft footstep and the curtain parted.
Cadafael poked his head through the gap but did not enter until I gave him leave with a jerk of my head. He came closer and sat beside me on the bed. ‘Ffreur tells me you have been out of sorts.’ He fiddled with the tassel on his sword belt, and when I did not answer continued, ‘would you like a break? A journey to your brother’s court perhaps?’
My neck snapped upward. His genuine concern shamed me and guilt twisted in my gut. If I returned to Cynddylan’s Hall I would see Osian again. I could show him his son. Tears stung my eyes, I longed to agree but I knew what I had to do.
I shook my head. ‘Hedyn is too young to travel yet, but later maybe, when he is weaned.’
Cadafael took my hand, tiny in his huge, brown one. ‘You could wean him early and find a wet nurse, as you did for Cynfeddw.’
My hand was growing warmer within his. He stroked the back of it, watching my skin ripple beneath his touch. I’d not known him so tender before and when he brought my fingers to his lips and kept it there, I was surprised to feel a little spark of desire … or something.
I sat unmoving while he turned the palm upward and kissed it, his tongue making my heart leap and a squirm of desire wriggle to the pit of my stomach. Feeling like an adulterer for not stopping him I watched as, without a word, he worked his way to my inner elbow, tracing circles on my skin, then further to my shoulder, stopping to push back my sleeve and kiss each freckle.
It was like a dream. He had never been so tender. I was entranced by his head dark against my white skin and when he transferred his lips to my neck, his beard softly tickling, I leant my head back and closed my eyes, gasping when his hand slipped into my open bodice.
A little groan escaped me and thus encouraged, he massaged my nipple making the milk flow, my breasts groan with wanting, and when he pushed me gently back onto the pillow and covered my mouth with his, for the first time I did not want him to stop.
Two
Immediately afterwards I was consumed with guilt. In willingly sleeping with my husband I had betrayed Osian. I wished to be alone so that I could give in to my shame but Cadafael lingered. Propping himself on pillows, he pulled me close and cradled my head upon his naked chest and fiddled with a tress of my hair that lay in tangles around us. When he did speak his words astounded me. ‘Something happened to me while I was away … I, I won’t go into detail but it made me see that the troubles between us are of my own making. If I can, Heledd, I would like to put things right.’
The memory of the last hour was still vivid and, not knowing how to answer, I flushed scarlet and murmured something about him having made a good start already.
But I could not banish Osian’s face. It kept intruding, floating in my mind’s eye, taunting me with guilt and spoiling the pleasure of the moment. Cadafael continued to speak.
‘Since we were wed I have watched Iestyn and Ffreur with no little envy but I could never seem to reach you. Even in the beginning, I wanted to laugh and joke with you like Ffreur and Iestyn do but I have … had … little knowledge of women beyond the technicalities. I have only known whores and such and I did not know where to start with you. In the bedchamber, you were there in the bed, yet unreachable like one of those Roman statues, beautiful and mine yet far, far removed. I did not know what to do with you or how to begin to soften the stone.’
He stroked the curve of my bosom, his breath hot in my hair. I fidgeted my legs, the heat rising again. Beneath my ear his heart was beating fast, I watched the rise and fall of his furry stomach, the trail of dark hair leading to the bulge of his groin beneath the sheet. I was so tired of solitude. So tired of misery. I took a deep breath.
‘It is not too late, is it? Perhaps we should begin again, my lord.’
<
br /> His arm tightened about my shoulder, flattening my breasts against his body. I did not love him but something within me was stirring. It was as if I’d been imprisoned in darkness and surprisingly it was Cadafael’s hand that was reaching down to pull me up into the light.
He rolled me suddenly onto my back, our faces level, our eyes searching. Slowly his mouth spread into a lazy smile and he smoothed a strand of hair from my face.
‘You are very beautiful, you know,’ he said.
I blushed like a virgin and knew not what to say, so I said nothing. Instead, I pushed Osian’s image away and with a trembling finger, traced the line of Cadafael’s jaw and the curve of his nose before raising my mouth to his.
Three
Ffreur was both curious and insistent in her questioning. ‘Something has happened between you,’ she said, barring my path so I could not pass. ‘What has changed? Tell me.’ Her face was pleased and excited. ‘Iestyn and I could not believe the two of you the other night behaving like a pair of doves. I would know the secret, sister, that I might reinvigorate my own husband.’
I laughed aloud at that for Iestyn was still as smitten with her as the first day he saw her. Most men would have put away a barren wife but he never showed, either by word or action, that he bore any resentment. How I wished she could bear a child and complete their happiness. Linking her arm in mine, I walked with her across the enclosure.
‘I have done nothing. He came back from the last campaign changed; that is all. I suspect there is another woman behind it but I can’t say I mind.’ Then, suddenly attacked by another wave of guilt at my previous infidelity, I averted my eyes and as if she had read my thoughts, she pulled me on to a wooden bench.
‘What about your feelings for the singer, Osian, have they faded?’
‘I don’t know, Ffreur, when I think of him, my feelings are gentle but I must confess that these days my thoughts do not dwell on him as they once did. There is barely time, my husband is very demanding.’
I raised my brows coyly and she laughed and patted my knee,
‘That is a good thing. A woman’s thoughts should be with her husband. You are a Queen, the mother of future Kings, your husband is a great warrior and your life is good. That is as it should be. I am happy for you. It has been a long time coming.’
Indeed, her eyes were flooded with happiness and I could not help but embrace her. She was right. I did feel better and in my contentment I found it was easier to behave as nobly as my mother would have wanted. I was growing kind and generous, winning the good favour of my servants. At last I was a good Queen to Cadafael and the people of Gwynedd.
I looked at Ffreur. ‘And you, Sister, is life good for you too?’
She maintained her smile but I felt her sadness. She gave a little sigh.
‘I am happy, but for one thing,’ she said, ‘and I don’t have to tell you what that is.’ Her chin drooped but she fought to maintain her cheerfulness. In my newfound happiness I wished everyone about me to be as content as I. I grabbed her wrist, hard.
‘Ffreur,’ her tear-washed eyes flew up to mine. ‘Come with me to Ceri, she will help you, I know she can. Look how she helped at my birthing. I would be dead now were it not for her.’
Ffreur snatched away her hand. ‘Oh, no, Heledd, I cannot. Ceri is a well-meaning woman but she is misguided, her methods go against God’s teaching.’ Her head swept to and fro and confronted with such stubbornness, anger stabbed me.
‘If your God was so good he’d have given you a child. I don’t know a woman on this earth more worthy of motherhood than you.’
‘It is something I must learn to bear, Heledd. If it is God’s plan for me then I can only accept it.’
I remembered Ffreur in the circle of firelight at my birthing, joining in with the others to chant an incantation against my pain. Twice she had put aside her faith for my sake so, just maybe, she would do so again, not for herself perhaps, but for someone she loved. The devil in me stirred.
‘What of Iestyn?’ I tempted. ‘How can you watch his suffering? Have you not seen his pain when Cynfeddw climbs upon his knee? He longs for a child, Ffreur, and all it would cost you is one visit to Ceri and I swear you’d be pregnant by the month’s end.’
I heard a short intake of breath, felt her hand, cold upon my own. Her voice was barely audible when she answered.
‘I will think on it, Heledd. I will search my soul and listen for God’s answer.’ When she moved away I sat back upon the bench with a satisfied smile for I knew I had won, and considered it a well-fought victory.
I followed her to the ladies bower where Gwarw was dandling Hedyn on her knee, humming a tune, tempting him to smile. He was sparing of them as yet but every so often he would open his milky mouth and bestow a beam of sunshine upon whoever nursed him. I sat myself in my usual chair and all I could see of him was a fuzz of red hair above his bands. Gwarw leaned over him, doting and daft.
The door opened and Cadafael strode in. He threw his wolf’s pelt cloak upon a stool and sent me a cheery greeting before lifting Hedyn from Gwarw’s arms. She was suffering with her feet again but tottered off to fetch refreshments from the ante-chamber. Cadafael held my son up to the light. ‘Good Lord, but he is growing fast. What are you feeding him; pork?’ He offered a finger and I saw Hedyn grab it and try to stuff it into his mouth. Cadafael sauntered about the chamber with the child nestled in the crook of his arm. ‘There is news, wife.’ I could see by his playful expression that his news was good.
‘Is Oswiu dead?’ I asked, evoking a shout of laughter.
‘That would be good news indeed, my love. No, ‘tis family news, word that will please you.’
I was at a loss to guess and held out my empty hands. ‘Oh, I don’t know! Come, Cadafael, tell me.’ I got up and hung on his free arm. ‘Please?’
When I put on my best pout he could not resist me and, sliding his free arm about my waist, he drew me closer. ‘Your brother, Cynddylan, is taking a wife and invites us to his hall in celebration.’
Ffreur and I exchanged our delight but even as we embraced, I felt a shiver of doubt at returning to Pengwern and seeing Osian again. What on earth would I say to him?
Cynfeddw crawled about the floor with his father’s cloak over his head.
‘Grrrrr,’ he cried. ‘Beware, I am a fearsome wolf.’ Medwyl pretending terror, jumped screaming, onto a stool.
With Cadafael’s arm warm about my waist we watched the antics of our family, their merriment contagious and when Gwarw came waddling back into the room she joined in the fun.
‘Mercy me!’ she cried. ‘A great wolf is in the chamber. Help us, help us!’ Then collapsing on to her stool she signalled for the slave to place the tray upon the table.
For the first time I became aware of Angharad’s presence. She plonked the tray down noisily, casting a quick eye over the domestic chaos then, after bobbing briefly to Cadafael, she shot me a look of pure venom.
She would have slammed the door had she dared.
Four
‘It is almost dark.’ I said to Ffreur who, wrapped in her cloak sat huddled in the corner. ‘We shall go now.’
We crept from the bower, not wanting to be seen and I led her by a surreptitious route out onto the hillside. Far below the moon glimmered on the mere and, in the distance, the river slithered like a silver snake toward the sea. Wrapping our cloaks tight against the chilly wind, we began to descend the hill. To guard against the evils of witchcraft Ffreur wore a posy of yellow flowers and she clung to my arm, afraid of the dark and the evil things that lurked in the covert.
‘Don’t worry, it is safe,’ I assured her. ‘I have passed this way many a time.’ She flashed me a tense smile before disappearing once more beneath her hood.
We hurried on through deepest dark until we spied a tiny light that signalled Ceri’s hut was near. When she saw it Ffreur hesitated but I pulled her on.
‘You can’t go back now. Just think of your child.’ She bit her lip
and I watched her wrestle frantically with her conscience. I knew she wanted to run back to the brightly lit hall but, just at that moment, the door opened and Ceri beckoned us in.
It was warm, the fire roared and a cauldron of cawl hung over the flames filling the room with the aroma of home and well-being. Ffreur sat on a stool and threw back her hood, her hair gleaming bright in the gloom. We sipped gratefully at a cup of Ceri’s warming brew as she seated herself before us.
‘Now, My Queen, what can I do for you? ‘Tis another bairn you carry, I see.’ My hand flew instinctively to my womb and I glanced at Ffreur who turned her head toward the hearth. I decided to ignore the welcome news.
‘It is not for me I come, Ceri, but my sister, Ffreur.’
Ceri worked her gums for a while, looking along her crooked nose at my little sister who sat like a nun in a house of demons. The old woman nodded slowly. ‘Barren, are you?’ she asked.
Ffreur nodded.
‘Does your husband service you well?’
Ffreur flushed and, as if suddenly making up her mind, looked Ceri full in the face. ‘We have done everything to make a child. I crave one, Ceri, for my husband’s sake … more than my own.’
With a mirthless sound Ceri motioned her to lay down upon the bed for examination and Ffreur, her tunic raised and her knees splayed, fixed her frantic gaze on me while Ceri prodded and poked at her most private places. My little sister, shamed and humiliated, dug her teeth into her lip, turning it white and I saw a tear roll onto the pillow. My heart turned over with love for her and to spare her blushes, I looked about the dim interior until at last Ceri stood up and Ffreur was able to pull down her skirts.
Ceri lowered herself onto a stool. ‘I can find nothing wrong with you. I think we just need to give nature a little help.’ She leered a smile and I began to feel better but Ffreur’s nod was miserable. Her hands were clasped tightly in her lap when Ceri leaned forward and lowered her voice.
The Song of Heledd Page 11
