“That rule is what you humans call a ‘joke.’ It is there for the sole purpose of making you laugh,” said Dr. Dragonbreath, still not smiling. “You see, I wouldn’t expect any of you to actually do a gymnastic routine during class. For one thing, there isn’t enough space with all the desks.”
No one was laughing.
“I suppose I’ll never understand human humor,” he grumbled. “Lastly is Rule Number Five. Now, I must warn you, this is the rule that my students always seem to have the most trouble following, which inevitably leads to their demise. Does anyone have any last words?”
No one spoke, for fear of breaking Rule Number One.
“Excellent job, class!” proclaimed Dr. Dragonbreath. “I thought for sure someone would break Rule Number One. I am indeed impressed. So, without any further ado, I give you . . . Rule Number Five.”
Dr. Dragonbreath pointed to Rule Number Five without saying a word. Almost all of the students followed his claw and instinctively read the rule to themselves. Here is what it said:
RULE NUMBER FIVE. THIS IS THE FORBIDDEN RULE. NO STUDENT IS ALLOWED TO READ THIS SENTENCE.
With his keen dragon eyes enhanced all the more by his magical dragon glasses, Dr. Dragonbreath took mental note of every single student who was reading Rule Number Five and therefore breaking Rule Number Five.
After reading the rule, all the students looked up at Dr. Dragonbreath nervously. He took off his glasses, loosened his tie, and smiled for the first time.
“Oh, you poor things. I had such high hopes for you.”
With amazing dragon speed, Dr. Dragonbreath flew around the room and devoured every single student who had broken Rule Number Five.
After being eaten by Dr. Dragonbreath, every kid in his class learned a very important life lesson about following rules and an even more important lesson about not trusting dragons that wear suits. But you’ll have to read on to find out why being eaten by Dr. Dragonbreath may have actually been the best thing that could have happened to each kid.
When Dr. Dragonbreath had finished eating his class, there was only one student left alive—Cindy Chan, who had forgotten her glasses and had not been able to read Rule Number Five. She was shaking in her seat.
Dr. Dragonbreath plopped down in a chair behind his desk. “What a meal,” he said, rubbing his belly. “I won’t need to feed again for a year after that one.”
Cindy was still frozen and shaking.
“Relax, young human. You were the only one who followed Rule Number Five, so you are perfectly safe. Now, let’s not waste any more time in beginning with our lesson. Please open your notebook and take notes as I lecture on the Dragon-Human Wars of 1512.”
Cindy Chan diligently took notes as she listened to Dr. Dragonbreath’s fascinating lecture on the Dragon-Human Wars. His lecture was very entertaining and she learned a great deal. He was by far the best teacher Cindy had ever had. She thought it was such a shame that none of the other kids were left to learn from him, too.
Right before lunch, the classroom door opened and a new kid walked in. It was Charles Nukid.
“Hi, I’m Charles Nukid. I was in detention until just now.”
“Luckily for you,” said Dr. Dragonbreath, “being late for my class is not a rule punishable by death.”
“Thank goodness,” said Charles. “I’d hate to break any rule. Apparently I was out of uniform, so Nurse Hairymoles brought me some kid named Benny Porter’s clothes who didn’t need them anymore. Just in time, too, ’cause Mrs. T was about to eat me.”
“I didn’t ask for your life story,” Dr. Dragonbreath interjected. “Please be seated and read my class rules.”
Charles sat down and read the first four rules to himself. Dr. Dragonbreath waited hungrily for him to read Rule Number Five, but Charles never did.
“Aren’t you going to read Rule Number Five?” Dr. Dragonbreath inquired.
“Of course not! That’s against the rules.”
“But . . . how did you know?”
“A ghost named Derek told me as I was walking here from detention.”
“I see. Derek the Ghost must like you. You’re very lucky.”
That afternoon, twenty-nine sets of angry parents stormed into Principal Headcrusher’s office.
Randall’s dad barked, “I knew his chances of survival weren’t good, but on the first day? Come on!”
“Listen,” said Principal Headcrusher, “if your child was eaten, it’s because he or she directly disobeyed one of Dr. Dragonbreath’s very simple rules. You all signed the waiver forms. There’s nothing I can do about it!”
The parents weren’t satisfied and continued pressing her for answers. Finally, Principal Headcrusher said, “Look, there are billions and billions of kids in the world, but dragons are nearly extinct. The truth is, this is the secret way in which dragons are made. All of the kids Dr. Dragonbreath ate today aren’t actually dead. They’re just gestating in his belly, like a caterpillar inside a cocoon. In about nine months, right about when the Ghoul Games will be starting, Dr. Dragonbreath will regurgitate all of your children, and they will come out metamorphosed into young dragons.”
“Wait a minute,” said Randall’s dad, trembling with emotion. “You’re telling me that my Randall, my one and only boy, was eaten alive but isn’t actually dead, and will come back in nine months changed into a dragon?”
“Yes.”
“. . . Cool!”
Chapter Seven
Petunia’s Problems
Here’s the thing about Scary School: sometimes the students could be just as scary as the teachers. You might be a regular kid, but the kid sitting next to you might be a zombie, a vampire, or a werewolf. That’s what made Scary School extra scary and was a big reason why Principal Headcrusher could charge so much for tuition.
Studies have shown that the more scared children are, the better they learn. After all, what could be better motivation to study than knowing your teacher will tear your arms off if you answer a question wrong? (I heard Principal Headcrusher say that in an interview last year, but more about that later.)
Principal Headcrusher wanted as many Scary kids as possible roaming around Scary School, so if you’re a scary enough kid, you got to attend Scary School on a free scholarship. After all, the more Scary kids there were, the more she could charge the normal parents to send their kids there.
It was simple economics.
Petunia was one of the Scary kids who attended Scary School on a free scholarship.
As you may remember, Petunia’s best friend is Frank (pronounced “Rachel”). That’s why she gave her blood to save Frank’s life on the first day of school. Johnny then gave Petunia his blood to save her life because he has a crush on her. The latter is a bit misleading because a lot of boys have a crush on Petunia since she is “as pretty as a petunia.” Just like a petunia, she is completely purple from head to foot, she smells very nice, and her long, violet hair is covered in dusty pollen that insects collect to go make more Petunias.
Because she was so strange-looking, you might be surprised that all the boys thought Petunia was pretty, but the boys at Scary School had logical reasoning: Petunia looks just like a petunia, petunias are pretty, so Petunia must be pretty.
Petunia’s biggest problem was that all the other girls in Ms. Fang’s class were jealous of her beauty and weren’t very nice to her at all. Most wouldn’t even speak to her. The bugs constantly buzzing around her hair didn’t help.
Petunia’s best friend, Frank, was also her only friend. The girls weren’t very nice to Frank (pronounced “Rachel”) either, because of how she spelled her name, so Petunia and Frank were destined to be friends by necessity more than choice. They even signed up as a jump-rope team for the Ghoul Games together, with Petunia being Frank’s jump counter.
Whenever Petunia and Frank tried to be friendly and talk to a group of girls, the girls would turn their backs and snub them. That made Petunia and Frank sad, but they were happy to at least
have each other. One day when Frank was out sick, Petunia tried to sit at a lunch table with some girls from her class, but Lindsey, a prissy girl with blond pigtails, shouted, “Eww! Go away, Petunia! You have bugs flying around your hair. Bugs are gross!”
Petunia replied back as nicely as she could, “But the bugs won’t bother you, I promise. They’re just collecting pollen from my hair to go make more Petunias.”
“I don’t care what they’re doing,” Lindsey snorted. “We don’t want them or you near our food. Right, girls?”
“Yeah!” Stephanie and Maria concurred.
“Okay,” said Petunia weakly, and she turned around and sat down at an empty table. As soon as she sat down, she was joined by three other Scary kids—Johnny the Sasquach, Ramon the Zombie, and Peter the Wolf. They didn’t think that the bugs flying around Petunia’s head were gross at all because boys like bugs. The funny thing was, Petunia was only ten years old and thought boys were gross and didn’t really care for them buzzing around her. She would rather have eaten alone, but she quietly tolerated the boys’ annoying antics, like belching, throwing peas at one another, and jabbering nonstop about their basketball strategies for the Ghoul Games.
Things turned bad when one of the wasps from Petunia’s hair flew too close to Ramon and he swatted it away with his quick zombie reflexes. He hit it really hard, and it fell to the floor dead.
Petunia jumped up and screamed, “What did you do that for?”
Ramon was taken aback. “I’m sorry. I thought you’d be happy that I swatted one of your bugs away.”
“All it wanted to do was fly away and go make more Petunias. But now it won’t get to make any more Petunias because you killed it!”
“I said I’m sorry!”
Petunia tried to hold herself back from crying, but couldn’t. She left her half-eaten lunch and ran out of the lunch hall, sobbing.
She continued running to the empty playground and climbed as high as she could on the monkey bars. “Stupid boys,” she muttered to herself. “Stupid school.”
Then she saw something in the distance. At the end of the school grounds was a twenty-foot iron gate that ensured no one could get in or out during school hours. Standing just outside the gate, looking toward her with curiosity, was another purple little girl.
Petunia stopped crying and ran as fast as she could to the end of the school grounds where the little purple girl was standing. When she got there, they both stood still and quietly stared at each other through the bars of the gate for a few moments. The girl seemed to be a couple years younger than Petunia and looked very similar. The only difference was she didn’t have any bugs buzzing around her hair.
Behind the little girl was a small clearing in front of a dense, dark forest called Scary Forest. No human had ever walked through Scary Forest and come out alive on the other end.
Finally, the little girl spoke, and what she said was the last thing Petunia expected to hear. She said, “Mommy?”
Petunia looked around. There was no one else there.
“No, I don’t think so,” she responded. “My name is Petunia. What’s your name?”
“I’m Petunia, too! It is you, Mommy! We’ve been looking for you.”
“What do you mean, we?” Petunia asked.
All of sudden, a dozen other little purple girls appeared at the edge of the forest. “Mommy!” they all shouted, and rushed toward the gate. There were little purple girls of all ages, from babies to girls nearly Petunia’s age, but no one older.
“Will you come play with us?” the Little Petunias asked.
“I would,” answered Petunia, “but I’m locked inside here.”
“That’s no problem,” said Little Petunia, and all the Little Petunias made buzzing noises, and thousands of bees, wasps, and other flying insects appeared. The bugs flew right through the gate, hoisted Petunia up by her clothes, and flew her over the bars to the other side.
“Yaaay!” all the Little Petunias shouted with glee. They hugged Petunia, then grabbed her hand and began running as fast as they could into the depths of Scary Forest.
Eventually they came to a grove that was the most beautiful place Petunia had ever seen. All around were petunias of different shades and tints of violet and of all different sizes. Some were as small as regular petunias; some were as big as dinner plates; some were enormous—the size of trees! A sparkling purple river ran through the grove, and purple fish jumped in and out of the purple water.
When Petunia got there, dozens more little purple girls popped out from behind the giant petunias, and they all cried with joy and hugged their “Mommy.” Petunia had never felt so loved, so accepted, or so popular in her entire life.
“Tell us a story, Mommy!” they insisted.
“Okay,” said Petunia. And all afternoon Petunia told the Little Petunias stories from the many books she had read. The girls brought Petunia delicious purple berries to eat and refreshing purple water to drink, and Petunia even got to see a brand-new purple baby pop out of the ground.
“So all those bugs really do fly off to make more Petunias!” said Petunia, laughing.
“Of course!” said the first Little Petunia. “You’re the Petunia Queen. You’re the only one who can make more Little Petunias. That’s why you’re our mommy.”
“Well,” said Petunia, “it has been really nice meeting all of you, but I have to get back to school now.”
“You’re leaving us, Mommy? But why?” asked Little Petunia.
“Because,” she said, “I have a mommy, too, who is supposed to pick me up after school and is probably worried sick about me. But I promise I’ll come back to visit real soon.”
Petunia began to walk out of the petunia grove, and all the Little Petunias started crying.
Geez, she thought. Grow up.
Petunia continued walking, but when she got to the edge of the grove, an enormous petunia dropped in front of her and blocked her way out. She tried to run around it, but then more giant petunias dropped down all around the perimeter of the grove, trapping her hopelessly inside.
“You are our mommy,” stated the first Little Petunia. “You can’t leave.”
“But I don’t want to be a mommy,” said Petunia. “It’s not fair!”
“Life isn’t all purple berries,” said Little Petunia, with none of the joy she’d had before. “Don’t you understand you have to stay with us forever?” Then her giggling smile came back and she said, “Now please tell us another story!”
And all the Little Petunias chanted, “New story! New story! New story!” They pulled Petunia onto a bed of petunias and jumped up with her.
Petunia started weeping, thinking she would never see her parents or any of her classmates again, but the Little Petunias didn’t care. She realized at that moment that being the most popular person wasn’t for her at all. Petunia just wanted to be back in Scary School where all the girls hated her.
The Little Petunias kept poking her, so she started a new story. “Once upon a ti—”
Boom! One of the giant petunias exploded in a huge ball of smoke and fire. From behind the smoke, a whole legion of Scary School teachers emerged, including Principal Headcrusher, Ms. Fang, Nurse Hairymoles, and Mr. Spider-Eyes.
The Little Petunias screamed and started running, but they couldn’t go far because the giant wall of petunias kept them in. Nurse Hairymoles dragged in the big fire hose (which had been extended after the Mr. Acidbath incident) and started spraying all the Little Petunias with clear water. When each one of them got wet, their legs turned into stems, their hands turned into leaves, and their heads and hair turned into purple petals and pistils.
Soon, all the Little Petunias had turned into regular little petunias sprouting from the ground.
Petunia ran to Principal Headcrusher, who hugged her (very delicately) with her strong, oversized hands.
“How did you know where I was?” Petunia asked.
“This is a very good school, Petunia. You don’t think w
e have security cameras?” Principal Headcrusher replied.
Then Petunia’s parents showed up, and Petunia hugged them harder than she ever had before.
“Thank you for finding our daughter,” Petunia’s parents said to Principal Headcrusher.
“Of course! You didn’t think we would let anything bad happen to one of our scariest kids, did you?”
On the way home, Petunia stopped at a barber shop and had them cut her hair very short. She wore a hat the rest of the year.
Whenever a bug flew near her, she swatted it dead.
Chapter Eight
The Golden Torch
At 8:03 a.m. on October 1, Principal Headcrusher’s voice sounded through the PA system of Scary School. “I have just received a surprise visit from the gracious chairman of the Ghoul Games, Mr. Franz Dietrich Wolfbark. He has informed me that the traditional running of the Ghoul Games torch will begin this afternoon at the front entrance of the school. Following lunch, everyone is to gather at Scary Fountain, where one lucky student will carry the torch and hand it to the one and only Frankenstein. Frankenstein will start the torch’s journey all around the world before it arrives back here for the start of the Ghoul Games this spring. That is all.”
After the loudspeaker crackled off, Wendy raised her hand. “Ms. Fang, how will they choose which student gets to pass the torch to Frankenstein?”
“Well,” replied Ms. Fang, “back when I was a young girl of three hundred sixteen years at Bloodington Elementary, they had a contest to see who could suck all the blood out of a troll the fastest. But I doubt they will do that with you. The troll would smash you before you could get close enough. It wouldn’t even be fair.”
All the students gulped.
After lunch, everyone ran to Scary Fountain at the front entrance of the school. They still didn’t know who would be the one to hand off the torch to Frankenstein.
There was so much excitement, even Archie the giant squid raised his ten-foot eyeball out of the murky moat to witness the event.
Scary School Page 4
