“Facebook gives us the chance to create a history of what we do together. It’s like a scrapbook of our teenage years.”
—Mark, high school student, Thousand Oaks, CA
What’s new with you?
The ability to instantly update friends on your major (and minor) life events is one key power of a social networking site. Your child can connect with friends in a variety of ways. The status update feature in Facebook gives you space to include a quick note about what’s new in your life. Dinner with friends, a recent movie review, or short comments on the day’s events are common additions to the status update section.
However, kids rarely use the status update or blogging features that most social networking services provide; they opt instead for the creativity and connectivity of the Wall, a virtual bulletin board for comments, pictures, and video clips, now common on most sites. Friends can post messages, links to videos, or original art creations to this common area while you are away, so after you log on, take the time to check for new additions. The account owner is responsible for removing any unwanted additions.
Joining your child’s social circle
Gaining access to your child’s network of friends online can be nearly as challenging as it is to do offline. Parental status doesn’t translate into friend status in the online world. Appealing to the website administrators won’t bring you any closer to seeing what’s behind the login screen, either. Privacy restrictions prevent account information from being shared between users. Your only recourse, when trying to gain access to your child’s private group of friends, is to ask your child’s permission. Strangely, the dynamic of trust and permission in your parent-child relationship takes a 180-degree shift when it comes to social networking.
Parents are beginning to embrace this newfound way of staying connected with their children during the middle school years. A growing number of parents are requesting friend status on their child’s online network. But even for those parents fortunate enough to gain this enviable position in their child’s social circle, friendship comes with a set of conditions. As one dad shared, when asked about his new online status, “I have to bite my tongue when I see my son’s wall and the comments his friends choose to leave. One word of lecture from me and I lose the privilege of gaining a glimpse at what happens in his world. Short of threats and flagrantly disrespectful language, I don’t say anything. I like knowing what he’s doing, and I’m not willing to give that up over a few misguided comments.”
At a time when kids are less than forthcoming about their social life, it is indeed a privileged position to have access to your child’s daily social interactions. Never before have parents been given an opportunity to stay so close to their child’s life in the way that Facebook and MySpace provide. Should your child choose to add you as a friend (a practice I actively promote), assume your access is merely probationary until you prove yourself to be a trustworthy parent who can hover at a safe distance. Commenting on your child’s page, especially in the common areas, will send her friends fleeing and bring an abrupt end to your access. If you are genuinely concerned about the comments you read, consider an offline discussion. Bringing social concerns (online or off) to your child’s attention in a private setting saves her from public embarrassment and ridicule.
“Erik added me as a friend when he started his Facebook account as a freshman in high school. I never abused the privilege by asking too many questions or prying into his social time. He always knew I was there, though, which made him more aware of what friends were posting on his page. It’s been a win-win for me especially now that he is in college. I don’t see him every day like I used to, but I still feel like I know what he is doing and what’s important in his life.”
—Lori, college mom, Santa Barbara, CA
Hiding in the shadows
Hovering too close or continually insisting in knowing your child’s every move can quickly send him running for cover. Kids who want to keep their online identity and activity away from a parent’s prying eyes have devised a formidable defense. In an effort to disguise their online activity, some kids create a dummy or “shadow” account that mirrors their real account in most areas. Typically, if a child creates two accounts the first will include her real name, a smattering of basic personal information, and a few candid photos of friends engaging in innocent acts of fun, intended to assure unknowing parents that all is well with their child’s social life. The shadow account, often created under a false name, holds the answers to the child’s true online activity. In rare cases, children engage in unlawful or flagrantly disrespectful behavior there. With the recent upsurge in monitoring of these types of accounts across the general population of users, suspicious behavior among minors has come under increased scrutiny. Users of any age who violate the terms of agreement can have their account privileges revoked without advance notice. It’s not easy to coax a child out from the shadows and toward the beginning of a more trusting relationship. Take time to acknowledge the importance of your child’s personal autonomy, and with time you may find your way back to a healthy relationship based on trust and honesty.
Given the massive amount of negative media attention given to social networking, it’s easy to overlook the vast majority of positive interactions that a virtual connection with friends can provide. Despite the media message that there’s a prevalence of online predators, in reality kids tend to avoid forming friendships with people online who fall too far outside their immediate group of friends in the offline world. Unlike most adult users, kids and teens use their social network to stay connected with a limited number of friends who are often confined to a small geographic location. School-based groups and citywide networks form the majority of connections among kids in the twelve-to-seventeen-year-old age group. In essence, kids take the friendships they have offline and continue them online. Adults, in contrast, use their network to stay connected with friends, family members, and business colleagues who span the globe. As adults we use the same technology but for a completely different type of communication and connection. Unfortunately, media attention focuses on the rare occasions when the worlds of adults and children collide.
I hope your journey through cyberspace helps you create a solid plan for your family’s safe and equitable internet use. We’ll now take a more detailed look at how families grow together (and apart) during the middle school years. In the final chapter, we will explore the importance of creating a vision for your family’s ongoing growth and happiness that will help guide everyone through a traditionally troublesome time. The challenge to stay on course requires input from trusted friends, mentors, and coaches who will form the basis of your family’s support team for years to come.
CHAPTER 6
Thriving as a Family
during Middle School
“Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.”
—Henry Ford
“The structure of families has changed from when I was a kid. My mom stayed at home and supervised our after-school time. If we went to a friend’s house, she knew we would be supervised or we didn’t go. Today in many families both parents work, and a lot of kids are left unsupervised to socialize with friends until the evening hours. I think a lot of parents just don’t realize the critical role they play in their child’s success. I didn’t realize how important my role was until Zack brought home a paper he had written for his eighth grade English class. In the paper he talked about how he wished I hadn’t given him so much space to try new things earlier in the middle school years. The independence he had fought so hard for now seemed to be a motivating factor for us both to make a change. If we were going to make it through the high school years, we needed to try something different.”
—Maureen, high school mom, San Anselmo, CA
THE PREVIOUS CHAPTERS of this book have given you the foundation for guiding and supporting your child through many of middle school’s most challenging aspects.
In this final chapter we will look at how your parenting role will grow and change as you confront the daily challenges of adolescence. Although the ideas presented here are grounded in research and practice, be aware that simply reading them is not enough; they require consistent action.
We begin with a look at what adolescents wish parents knew. Drawn from my conversations with children and parents over the past twenty years, the following list highlights high-priority concerns that, if neglected, can quickly lead to frustration between family members. Read this list with careful and thorough consideration, keeping in mind that what kids perceive they need and want is often different from what will actually move them forward in their development. The list serves as a launching point for further discussion about vision, goals, and a solid foundation of emotional support for your child in the years ahead.
My friends are really important to me right now. Help me see the importance of family while still finding time to spend with friends.
Teach me how to make choices and accept consequences. Don’t bail me out when accepting the consequences of my choices would help me learn important life lessons.
I like my privacy at home. Help me learn how to earn your respect at home so that, in turn, I can feel respected.
I like consistency even though I won’t admit it. Too much freedom without consequences will lead me to trouble.
I appreciate having a list of things to do and a deadline for completing them. Continued nagging or a never-ending list of tasks bugs me.
Please don’t choose my extracurricular activities for me or push me to participate in an activity when it’s obvious I’m not interested.
Let’s try to avoid arguing about school. If you expect me to get A’s and B’s in school then say so. Telling me to “Give my best effort” doesn’t give me a clear picture of the grades you expect to see on my report card.
When I am feeling down, give me some time and space to sort out my emotions. Let me know that you will be ready to listen when I am ready to talk.
I am beginning to notice my appearance more than I did in the past. Please don’t comment on how I look, especially in public or around my friends—it’s embarrassing.
This list identifies concerns and challenges expressed by most adolescents; you will find that your child’s needs are unique and continually changing. Learning to appreciate your child’s changing perspective while maintaining your own is an ongoing challenge, but one worth exploring.
Unofficial Adolescent Credo
In talking with parents about the middle school years, I’ve developed a useful resource I call the Unofficial Adolescent Credo. Understanding these basic underpinnings of the adolescent mind-set can help to alleviate misunderstandings between adults and kids.
I need your help even though I rarely ask. Unsolicited assistance is rarely appreciated, particularly when friends are around. Finding ways to remain present, yet invisible, takes time and practice. Look for opportunities when you can spend time alone with your child. A car ride to pick up friends or the rare moment at home without the rest of the family offer opportune moments for your child to ask for your guidance. But the car ride to and from school typically is less ideal. A day at school requires incredible focus for most kids, and the minutes before and after school can be filled with emotion, so don’t count on these times for meaningful interactions. Although your child may ask for your help less often than in the past, know that when he does ask, your words and subsequent actions will have incredible impact.
Ask me to participate in meaningful ways. I may not accept your invitations; but I do appreciate your effort to include me. Even though taking out the trash or doing light housework may be a part of what you expect from your child, completing chores doesn’t qualify as meaningful participation. Adolescents are looking for situations that would benefit from their input. Planning the week’s meals or negotiating rides for after-school events could be wonderful opportunities for your child to participate in or even take charge of the planning process. When parents include their kids in family decision making, everybody wins. Kids feel appreciated and acknowledged. Parents benefit by watching their children grow into independent problem-solvers.
I’m moody at times. I may be having a bad day and just need some time to cool off. It takes a shift in your parental mind-set to not jump in and try to make everything all right. The natural instinct for most parents is to play the problem-solver role. But confronting an upset adolescent at the wrong time can quickly lead to a full-scale verbal assault—and leave you feeling sad and frustrated. When you sense that your child is heading for a blowup (or meltdown), find a safe place to wait until the wave of emotion passes you by. When the waters seem calm again, offer your support by asking “Is there anything you want to talk about?” With time and patience you will learn how and when to offer support. Remember, parenting is an ongoing learning process.
Your continued caring tells me you still want me around even when I’m difficult. Second only to the teen years, a child’s transition to adolescence can leave parents nearly speechless at times. Seemingly illogical demands followed by relentless pleas bring even the most patient parents to a place of disbelief. “Where did my child go?” is a familiar question shared among middle school parents. The key to defusing these discussions is to leave before either one of you says something that will be regretted later. When you sense your emotions heating up, walk away. As you leave, acknowledge that you expect to return in a few minutes with a question or statement that will move the discussion away from the negative and toward the productive.
“My mom really hung in there with me this year. There were times when I was moody and didn’t have many nice things to say. She kept telling me she would be there when I wanted to talk. Knowing that she cared about me made a big difference in my life.”
—Melanie, seventh grader, New York, NY
Needs are different than wants
At times, an adolescent’s list of wants may seem insatiable. Shifting the focus from giving a child what he wants to providing what he needs may help to reduce the frustration many parents feel on an ongoing basis. When a child says, “I want a new Xbox” or “Everyone else has one, why can’t I?” he’s expressing what he wants. Expressing a want is often a substitute for trying to satisfy a need that has gone unmet. You’ll learn over time that simply giving him whatever he says he wants doesn’t seem to truly satisfy him. If instead you consistently meet his needs (such as giving him your full attention or setting sensible limits on outside socializing so he feels safe and knows you care), you can expect to see evidence of real satisfaction in your child—including higher levels of self-esteem as well as increased achievement in school.
Families need support
Statistics from the United States Census Bureau show the average population per household has dwindled from nearly 5 people in the early 1900s to a mere 2.5 people as of the recent 2006 census recording. This trend has led to a fundamental shift in the structure of American families, from larger extended families and close-knit neighborhoods to smaller nuclear families, single-family homes, and loosely connected communities. In addition, kids these days rarely engage in activities with neighborhood friends (with neighboring parents close by or even involved), choosing instead to participate in cross-town activities. Increasingly, kids will travel thirty minutes to the swim club or the arts center for music lessons instead of shooting hoops in the driveway.
Smaller families plus less time spent together equals less support for children at a time when they need greater support. You can meet this growing need by creating a support team. Not unlike a sports team, a family’s support team consists of people outside your nuclear family who fill specific roles and are brought together for a singular purpose. Your support team must function to ensure the future success of your child and family. You’ll build and solidify the roster of players over time. Some players resign their positions, making room for new, more productive members to join the squad
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The fall season is fast approaching. Begin building your team today, using the following ideas as a guide.
Building your support team
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, today’s generation of school-age children spend the majority of their waking hours in the care of someone other than their parents. Given the influence that teachers, coaches, mentors, and extended family members have on a child’s development, it’s essential to build a relationship with this group of people. You’ll need to make a shift in your usual parental role to create a team of focused and motivated individuals who will continually support the ongoing growth of your child.
To gain the extended support that families had naturally a generation or two ago, you need to assemble a roster of supportive team players that extends beyond the walls of your family home. Building the foundation of that strong support team begins at home. With a clear vision in place and a set of realistic goals to pursue, you are ready to add more members to your team.
Create a roster. Who will affect your child’s life this year? Think of the word team as meant to include anyone who has the ability to Teach, Encourage, Advocate for, or Motivate your child on a weekly basis, then begin by listing people who fit this description. Most middle schoolers will have a minimum of five teachers who will play a critical role in their lives. Their influence in the hour they spend with your child every weekday can have a tremendous impact on your child’s ability to grow both academically and socially. Outside of the classroom, schools have a full-time staff of counselors and administrators who can also fill spots on your roster. Principals and student counselors can turn potentially sticky situations into positive ones in the course of a single conversation. Connecting with these folks is crucial to building a solid team roster. Off campus, look for coaches and mentors who you believe will support the same morals and values that you hope to impart to your child. Their participation in the after-school hours rounds out the day for your child and can often set the tone for the evening hours at home. Family friends and extended family members could be possible additions as well. Keep the door open for anyone who fits the description of a potential TEAM member.
Joe Bruzzese Page 13
