by Mari Mancusi
She purses her obviously collagen-injected, over- glossed lips, looking at me with clear disapproval in her purple contact–covered eyes.
“Um, did you want something?” I ask, suddenly eager to get rid of her and go back to my game. After all, those brain-hungry zombies won’t just explode themselves, you know.
She sighs loudly, as if she’s carrying the weight of the world on her perfectly sculpted shoulders. “My name is Bertha,” she says at last.
Bertha?! I burst out laughing. I’m sorry—I can’t help it! This über hottie’s name is Bertha? For realz? I had always assumed there was some kind of law against hot chicks being named Bertha. A name like Bertha should be reserved for girls who look like that crazy ex-vampire slayer from back home who—
Oh crap. So that’s why she looks familiar... “Bertha?” I cry, scrambling to my feet, trying to hide my shock. “Bertha the Vampire Slayer? Bertha the Vampire Slayer from Oakdale High School?”
Bertha had been the number-one slayer in my neck of the woods, back in the day. She had some pretty major kills to her name, too. She even bagged Lucifent, the former leader of the Blood Coven. Unfortunately, her career stalled out due to her inability to ever meet a drive-thru she didn’t want to go through twice. Those pesky blood pressure issues can really put a damper on one’s vampire slayer career.
But um, wow. I guess she kicked that problem... “I probably look a little different than when you saw me last,” she says, preening a little. I catch her glancing at her own reflection in the bedroom mirror.
I nod. I mean, holy understatement of the century, Batman! This chick did not just get her stomach stapled. She had a complete Heidi Montag makeover. Her once-pockmarked face is now porcelain-doll smooth. Her old stringy hair now flows down her back in silky waves. Her nose is at least three inches shorter and her breasts would make even Katy Perry cry.
“Wow, Bertha,” I say. “You look great. Really great.” And I mean it, too. Not that I’m into girls or anything. But if I was, she’d totally be first on my list.
She sniffs and I realize she’s moved away from the mirror and is now giving me a critical once-over. It’s then that I remember I’m currently dressed in Nightmare Before Christmas flannel pajamas, wearing no makeup, and haven’t brushed my hair since Tuesday. At this point, I’d be dead last on pretty much anyone’s list.
But still, there’s no need for the judgment here. I mean, it’s not like she gave me any heads-up of her impending arrival so I could apply some mascara.
“So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” I ask curiously. “I’m sure you didn’t fly more than halfway across the country just to show off your extreme total makeover.” Though, to be honest, if I looked like her, I’d pretty much make that my full-time job from here on out. Tracking down all those boys who once rejected me, showing off my curves...
“Slayer Inc. assigned me to be your new partner.”
... finding even hotter boys and stealing them away from their cheerleader girlfriends, only to dump them after—
Wait, what?
I stare at her. “My partner?” I repeat. If my heart was still beating, it’d be slamming against my chest right about now.
She nods. “The powers that be at Slayer Inc. felt you might need some... motivation... in tracking down your sister. So they flew me out here to assist you.”
“Motivation?” I cry indignantly. “They think I have a motivation problem?” I give a loud, barking laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. A laugh that cuts short as I realize she’s staring smugly at the video game screen behind me. Particularly the game clock, which is still flashing on the screen.
“Oh, that!” I wave my hand dismissively. “That’s just practice. After all, you never know when you might meet up with a zombie while out on a Slayer Inc. mission. But don’t worry, Berth, my girl. Can I call you Berth? I am unsurpassed at perfect head shots. Seriously, brains just start splattering all over the place at the mere sight of my mighty broomstick.”
She raises an eyebrow. “That’s very... reassuring.”
I grab the remote and quickly shut off the TV. “But enough about me. Let’s talk about you! What have you been up to? Are you enjoying Vegas so far? Done any gambling? You have so got to try the Krave Lounge on Fridays. Amazing Goth scene. They’ve got the hottest—”
“Rayne!” Bertha interrupts. “We don’t have time for clubbing,” she says, spitting out the word as if it were poison. “We’re on assignment for Slayer Inc. Or perhaps you forgot?” she adds, giving the television set another look of condemnation.
I sigh. Great. And here I thought I had everything worked out so perfectly. I’d pretend to look for Sunny and Magnus and just... well, never find them. Sure, I’d forfeit the million-dollar bounty, but I’d forfeit a billion dollars if it meant keeping my sister safe. No big deal.
Guess Pyrus is smarter than I gave him credit for. “Now,” Bertha says, plopping down on my bed.
“Let’s talk strategy. Do you have any leads? Any idea where your sister and her boyfriend might have gone?”
I shake my head. Luckily, I can give her an honest answer on that one. Don’t ask, don’t tell. That’s my policy.
“But you’re her twin. Don’t you have some kind of twin ESP kind of thing? Can’t you sense where she is or something?”
“The only thing I can sense is a super-annoying presence currently residing in my bedroom,” I retort, annoyed at the whole twenty-questions routine and wishing she’d just go away.
She frowns. “Nice. Real nice. You think you can hurt my feelings? Cut me down and make me run sobbing from the room?” She shakes her head. “Well, sorry, sister, but this is the new and improved Bertha. And she doesn’t take crap from anyone.” She rises to her feet, staring directly into the mirror. “I’m back. I’m hot as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!”
She raises a fist in triumph, then looks at me expectantly. As if she’s hoping I’ll cheer on her newfound sense of self-esteem.
“Um, yay?” I try. “Go on with your bad self, you hot mama, you?”
She glares at me. “Laugh all you want,” she growls. “But you won’t be laughing once I have your sister and her stupid boyfriend in handcuffs.” She grins wickedly.
That’s it! I leap from my bed, grabbing her by her vest. “We’ll see about that!”
She smirks and I realize I’ve walked right into her trap. “Oh, I’m sorry,” she says with wide, innocent eyes. “For some reason, I thought you were supposed to be on my team. You know, the team that hired you for the job? The one that has the ability to wipe you off the face of the Earth by activating the nano-virus inside of you if you don’t obey their rules?”
Argh. It takes everything I have inside to let her go. But, of course, she’s right. I can’t let on that I’m more interested in protecting my sister than doing my Slayer Inc. duty. After all, if I’m killed, who will protect Sunny?
Better to bide my time. Pretend to play by her rules for now. And figure out a way to beat Bertha at her own game.
“Of course,” I say brightly, gritting my teeth and wishing I could just bite through that juicy little neck of hers and suck her dry. “I just meant, as a superior slayer, I’m sure to get there first.”
Her lips curl into a nasty grin. “Oh, right,” she says. “Of course you did.” She chuckles. “But, you see, that’s not going to happen either. Slayer Inc.’s given me a second chance. And I’m going to prove to them I deserve that chance. That I’m the best slayer around—no matter what I have to do.” She smiles triumphantly. “Even if that means going above and beyond—and staking your sweet little sister through the heart.”
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