“God, I hope this doesn’t end up in a boss fight,” Gary said, peering around my shoulder. I swear that boy can read minds. Almost as if on cue, a howl echoed from the shadows of this mystic cave.
“Good job, Gary.” I nearly peed myself as I spied the monstrous silhouette looming against the back wall. Whatever it was, it appeared to be twelve feet tall and covered in spikes from head to toe. Its cries continued, turning into a . . . into a whine?
“What the hell?” Gary blurted out as a streak of white bolted from the shadows. I barely had time to duck as it launched itself past us and into the waiting arms of Yush. The terrifying shadow had belonged to, oh my God, the fluffiest, cutest, baby Bigfoot I had ever seen. “It’s so . . . fluffy!”
Yush smiled broadly as the white-furred baby-foot clambered up her side and wrapped its paws around her chest. I couldn’t help but squee—so much for me acting the part of dignified diplomat. How could something so adorable exist in this world?
Phil chose this moment to enter the cave, and even she made a little “awe” sound before turning serious. “Is that one of the emissary’s cubs?”
Words failed me at the sight of the tiny critter. We locked eyes, and the baby made a similar squealing sound to the one I had just produced. She pointed to my head and chattered something guttural into Yush’s ear.
“Little one likes hair of flames. Go on, practice human words, Fluff.”
Fluff, her name was Fluff? Her fur shot out in every direction, making her look like squirming cotton ball. “Floof want!” the little Sasquatch cried, pointing again to my head. Oh boy, here it comes. I blinked, and the three-foot-tall terror landed in front of me, scrambling up my side with zero regard for personal space. She must’ve been built like a tank under all that fur as I nearly collapsed under the sudden extra weight.
“Ouch!” I said as she tugged on my braid.
“Owwie! Burns!” Fluff cried, recoiling. She made a mad dash for the pool and doused her hands, then yelped again as steam rose from the surface.
“Fluff forget spring is hot. Fluff not pay attention to elders!” Yush had that look on her face like she was simultaneously amused and frustrated at the cub.
“I didn’t mean to burn her.” My hair was not only glowing, but little embers danced along the lower third, giving me the appearance of perpetually being on fire. I really hoped I didn’t start randomly lighting up the forest.
Yush lumbered over and placed a paw on my shoulder. “Yush know you cub, too. Come, Hairless Holy One, come see special place.”
Fluff apparently had the memory of a goldfish. She scrambled from the pool to my side again and promptly latched onto my leg like a living house arrest bracelet. “Floof like pretty.”
“Thank you, Fluff.”
“Floooooooof,” she said defiantly. Okay, I wasn’t an expert on Bigfoot dialects, but Yush kept saying Fluff while she seemed to have a different accent. Maybe this wasn’t the time to get into “potayto-potahto” arguments. “Floof?”
“Floof!” The cub nodded emphatically. With introductions somewhat sorted, Yush motioned us to head deeper into the dramatic, videogame-looking cavern.
We followed Phil deeper into the mysterious Sasquatch temple of doom. “This is a place of power, Gare-bear,” she said. “You won’t need another Magi to work your mojo here.”
“That bear?” Fluff asked, wide-eyed. She stepped over to Gary and sniffed him. “Not bear.”
“My name is Gary,” he said with a pointed look to his aunt. “Nice to meet you, Floof.”
The little Sasquatch instantly pounced on him. He toppled under the weight of the cub, and Yush had to yank Fluff off by the scruff of her neck. Gary rubbed the side of his head. “Damn, Jess, how did you pick her up? She weighs a ton.”
“What can I say? I work out.”
We wandered closer to the glowing pool and suddenly all those layers I’d slapped on felt rather stifling. I unzipped my puffy coat while staring at the glowing blue waters. Hopefully it was just magic and not radioactive, too.
“What is this place?” Gary asked.
“It’s just like you learned in school, Gare-bear,” Phil replied. “Arcane power flows naturally throughout this world, albeit usually not this close to the surface. We must be right above it.”
“A ley line,” he said, whistling appreciatively . . . a sound which Fluff immediately tried to imitate.
Phil slipped off her overcoat and stood over the water. The shimmery glow took years off her face.
“This place of remembrance, of healing,” Yush said. “Sacred waters calm the mind, heal the body, and sometimes more.” She glanced pointedly at my hair.
“The water is making my hair go into overdrive?” Sure enough, as I got closer to the pool, I felt warmth bubbling from within as well as from outside. The sparkle showers now extended to halfway up my hair. I vaguely wondered what would happen when the Christmas light effect reached my scalp.
“Water makes fire within burn brighter.”
“Spontaneous combustion really isn’t in my vacation plans.” I eased away from the neon pond.
Phil sighed. “The fires of faith only burn the wicked. Don’t be afraid. The fact that you’re reacting is a good thing. The power of this place can help you reach your true potential . . . and our allies might need all the help they can get if the peace talks go sour.”
“So, I’m the backup plan.”
“Hairless Holy One wise. Universe chose well. This place will heal and restore, Hairless Holy One and wizard cub. Both bathe in pool now.”
“Both?”
“Yes. Yush insist.”
♦ ♦ ♦
Gary and I looked at each other in panic. I don’t know about him, but I certainly didn’t pack a swimsuit.
“Hold on, Gare-bear. I packed your trunks.” Phil unzipped her bag and started rooting through it.
Yush snorted derisively, however. “No. Spring of healing sacred place. No weaving of man may touch holy waters.” The mighty Sasquatch turned to Gary and pointed a finger at him. “No mating in holy waters.”
Phil looked like it was all she could do to not laugh. Wonderful. “You heard our hostess—take a bath, and no shenanigans. I’m sure our honored guest, Fluff, will help keep you honest.”
“Honored guest?” I asked.
“Floof daughter of chief!” Fluff exclaimed, grabbing an article of clothing from Phil’s bag. She pulled a Hawaiian print shirt over her head, then ran off laughing.
“Fluff only surviving cub of war wolf from east,” Yush said with a sad nod of her head.
“What happened?” Gary asked.
“Her father mighty warrior. Kill one of the thirteen. T’lunta angry and take revenge.” Thirteen? I was tempted to ask what she meant by that, but Yush wasn’t finished. “Fluff travel far. Tired and weak. This place make her strong, too. Now Yush must go and speak to allies. Friend Phil, come as well.” Yush gave us one more Sasquatch stare. “Guards here have good ears. No mating!”
“Floof help!” Fluff called from her hiding place. As if this wasn’t awkward enough, now I had to figure out how to avoid any accidental glimpses of Gary’s magic wand, all while entertaining a baby Bigfoot. Even the weirdest comic storylines of the eighties didn’t prepare me for this. Oh well, no point in delaying the inevitable, especially since it might anger our hosts. I turned away from the pool. “Get in first, then let me know when it’s safe.”
A minute or so later I heard a splash of water.
“Okay,” Gary called out weakly.
“He not bear,” Fluff said, lowering her voice to what she probably thought was a conspiratorial whisper. “Look more like piss offering.”
“A what?” Gary cried from the pool. “Did you just call me a piss offering?”
I didn’t even try not to laugh. Fluff giggled as well. She pointed to the white streak on Gary’s head. “When no want war, give offering of little sweet ones!” Fluff fell on the ground near the edge of the pool laughing
. “Piss offering!”
No want war? “Do you mean a peace offering?”
Fluff’s eyes widened. She nodded emphatically before dipping her toes in the pool.
Gary shook his head and sunk down until only his nose and the top half of his face remained above water. “Wait, Floof. Are you saying you give skunks as peace offerings?” I pointed to his stripe as well.
“Sweet smell make good gift,” Fluff said, wide-eyed.
“I can only imagine what you give each other at Christmas.”
Fluff cocked her head. “What Kris-mas?”
Gary finally eased up a little and lounged on the side of the pool as casually as a spring-breaker in a hot tub. After a moment his eyes opened wide. “You’ve gotta get in here, Jess.”
“Is it warm?” I asked, although that seemed obvious as Fluff kept dipping her toes in and recoiling from the steam.
“Hot,” the little one complained.
Gary shrugged. “No worse than a hotel hot tub, but that’s not all. Trust me when I say you will really appreciate this.”
Coming from most guys I’d assume it to be a pickup line cheesy enough to be worthy of a kick to the groin, but there didn’t seem to be anything overly salacious about his tone. Besides, I could always kick his ass later if need be. “Fine. Close your eyes, I’m coming in. And no peeking!”
Gary’s face turned bright red, but then he looked away. I kept a close eye on him as I peeled out of my clothes, making sure he was neither peeking nor scrying.
I slid into the other half of the pool. Wow, he wasn’t kidding. It was so nice. Not only did the water warm me up instantly, but it seemed as if every knot and bruise in my body faded away to nothing. Best yet, the warm steam rising from the surface was heaven on the sinuses and . . . oh my God! I took a deep breath through my nostrils and suddenly understood what Gary had meant. It was as if the stink of this cave, and its owners, vanished into nothing. I took another breath without gagging.
“See what I mean?” Gary asked.
I nodded, enjoying the feeling of not having to breathe through my mouth.
“Pretty!” Fluff exclaimed, reaching for my head again as I leaned back to relax. When would this kid ever learn? Please don’t burn her too badly, magic hair. I took a deep breath, trying to remain calm. This time I felt Fluff’s paw run along my temple without an associated yowl. Score one for self-control. I leaned back, closed my eyes, and enjoyed letting her stroke my hair while I soaked. I wasn’t sure how these peace talks would go, but so far, they were more like a spa retreat.
“So, Fluff—” I started.
“Floof! Floo-oo-fu.” She bonked me on the noggin.
“Sorry, Floof. So, are you a part of these talks?”
“No. Floof too small. Big meeting for big bodies,” Fluff explained while playing with my hair. “Floof here to find best mate to protect tribe.”
“Aren’t you a little young for a mate?” Gary interjected.
Fluff responded with howls of laughter. “Floof duty to find strong mate and protect tribe.”
“Why don’t you just train to protect your people, Floof?” I asked.
Fluff stared at us blankly. “Floof no fight. Duty to find good mate and make strong cubs—”
“Really, little one?”
All three of us jumped in surprise as a new form stepped from the dark inner recesses of the cave. Man, how could anything that big be so quiet? A Sasquatch at least a head taller than Yush crouched next to Fluff and ruffled her hair. “Floof could be strong, learn to fight if want to.”
Fluff squealed with delight and scrambled onto the new sasquatch’s shoulder. “Boosh talk silly.”
Our new guest smiled, showing off rows of yellowed teeth. She tapped her chest. “Bush, sister of Yush.”
Both Gary and I mouthed, “Bush,” simultaneously. What was it with Sasquatch names? Then again, maybe they were the Sasquatch equivalent of how some parents gave their kids matching names like Sandy and Mandy. “I’m Jessie.”
Fluff pointed at Gary. “Not bear!”
“My name is Gary. Nice to meet you . . . Bush. Did your sister tell you about us?”
Bush nodded toward me. “Hairless Holy One is warrior female. Very strong. You could be strong too, Floof.”
“Why thank you.” It’s not every day you get to be a role model for a Sasquatch cub.
“Pretty, not warrior,” Fluff protested.
I rolled my eyes at her. “I’m okay in a fight, I suppose, but in all honesty, the best way to defend yourself is not to go looking for trouble.”
“Not warrior, see? Warrior must fight!”
“Picking a fight isn’t always brave. My teacher—who’s also female, I might add—taught me it’s best to finish fights, not start them.” Except maybe when it comes to vampires, but hey, who’s counting? “Not that I’m expecting to have to fight during the peace talks.” Hopefully.
Bush rubbed her furry chin. “Wise words. Still, many tribes, many voices. Always chance for grievances. T’lunta not only enemy who here.” She put Fluff down and retrieved a bundle from the shadows. “But now not time to talk of such things. Now time to make ready for ceremonies. Now time to disguise Hairless Holy One.”
“You have disguises for us? Something for my hair?”
Bush responded by laying out simple white garments by the side of the pool, garments that looked highly inappropriate for the snowy woods outside.
“I don’t suppose you have anything warmer than a toga?”
“They aren’t togas,” Gary said with a sigh. “They’re ceremonial robes used by the Magi for ceremonies or gatherings.”
“But I’m not. . .” Oh yeah, cover story. “Okay, I guess that makes sense. But don’t they look a little . . . drafty?”
Bush pointed to the water. “Holy waters warm body and soul.”
Gary lifted a hand over the water, stared at it for a moment, and then snapped his fingers. A small jet of flame appeared above it, apparently surprising him as much as it did me. “She may have a point. Magic waters and all.”
I considered this. What’s the worst that could happen? Well, if they were wrong, I’d instantly freeze to death. So much for my day at the spa.
“No peeking, Gary. I mean it.”
♦ ♦ ♦
Go figure, Sasquatch moss works better than terrycloth when it comes to toweling off. Something to remember if I ever found myself deep in Bigfoot territory again.
Sadly, my pleasure turned to annoyance once we were finally dressed in the garments Bush had given us and I noticed that whereas Gary seemed to be wearing an all-white Hogwarts robe, I’d somehow gotten stuck with the mini-skirt model. Talk about a bad day to be wearing my Spider-Man underoos. “Um, is there any reason mine is an extra-extra small?”
Fluff handed me a braided belt, then looked up beneath my barely-there skirt. “Why you have face on—”
“Floof, get hair oil!” Bush barked, sending the tiny Squatch scrambling. “Floof young. Not smart yet. Will grow.” She then glanced at what I was wearing and shrugged. “Male robe for males. Female robe for—”
“I’m going to assume women’s lib hasn’t reached the Sasquatch tribes?” Bush seemed lost for words. Maybe I should try to remember that I’m talking to a forest spirit who probably didn’t have a grasp on human politics. “I mean, females here are. . .” I trailed off, trying to find the right words.
“Less,” Bush growled, obviously grasping my meaning and not liking it one bit.
♦ ♦ ♦
“Tribes value strength, strength above all,” Bush mused softly as I leaned back and let her apply scented oil to my hair. “But there strength in softness, in quiet. Bush not soft but learn to act soft. Then get close to war chief and advisors. Listen to them often.”
I looked over my shoulder and saw a spark deep in Bush’s gaze. Yeah, there was more to these big apes than met the eye.
She turned me back around and started braiding my hair, doing a job that would h
ave made any hairdresser green with envy. “Sister Yush like mother and mother before her. She want change, but happy to be mate.”
“And what do you want?”
“Bush think there time to fight and time to talk. War chief think too much with u’solk, so always want to fight.” I recognized that word from when Yush had said it and had to stifle a chuckle. Bush gave a derisive snort. “He not honorable. No honor in war for sake of war. He act like. . .”
“Fooktard?” Fluff offered.
Bush nearly yanked my head off as she laughed. “Yes, that good word. Sound like great boast, but in human tongue. . . Hah!”
“Where did you learn that?” I peered over to see Fluff painting Gary’s face with what I hoped was mud. Gary begged with his eyes to help, but honestly, was I really gonna interrupt a Bigfoot beauty routine?
“Floof learn from mighty warrior!” The little one got a dreamy look in her eyes worthy of any preteen girl. “Hugh Jackman teach Floof. Spend much time spying on humans.”
“Hugh . . . Jackman?” Okay, just when I thought it couldn’t get any weirder. “Like Wolverine?”
Bush nodded. “Fierce warrior like wolverine. Big claws, much fur!”
So, Hugh Jackman was actually a Sasquatch spy? Who’d a guessed it? I glanced at Gary, but he merely looked confused. “I guess I never considered that he might actually be a—”
Fluff pounded her chest. “Floof take Hugh Jackman as mate! He will protect tribe.”
“Floof will finish task first,” Bush admonished. She then turned her full attention to me. “Young ones are silly. Hold still while I finish.”
“Hugh Jackman . . . really?”
“Have heard of him, Hairless Holy One?”
“Well, yeah, he’s kinda famous.”
Second String Savior Page 21
