“Of course you do,” I said. “You love me.”
She wrinkled her nose. She didn’t want to admit it, but it was true.
“Did you hear about Stephanie?” she asked, changing the subject. I shook my head and her green eyes grew larger. “Her date asked some other girl to the prom and then ditched her.”
Stephanie was a pretty girl who had been in the same English class as me. She wasn’t anything special, but she had a few friends and she seemed like she was generally a nice person. “That’s got to be devastating,” I said, as I thought about how I would feel if Eric did that to me.
“Has Eric even asked you to the prom yet?” Sophie shot me a quick glance, before turning her attention to the yellow buses which were pulling away from the sidewalk. Her look was packed with something that I couldn’t quite understand. It was like the answer really mattered to her.
“He doesn’t need to ask me. He’s my boyfriend. It’s, like, an unspoken rule that he’s going to take me to the prom.”
“Right,” Sophie agreed quickly.
There was something not right about what had just happened. She looked as though my answer had thrown her into some deep thought and I could tell that there was something going on that I wasn’t fully aware of.
I thought about asking her outright what was up, but I knew that I wouldn’t get the truth. If she was hiding something from me, then she wasn’t going to admit to the truth without a fight.
CHAPTER 4
“The weirdest thing happened today,” I told Eric later that night. We were sitting in our normal spot at the diner. It was the booth next to the main window, which looked over the small bay. On a clear night the reflection of the stars played across the water in a way that brought the entire universe down to earth.
“The weirdest thing, eh?” He picked up a bunch of fries and started to push them all into his mouth at the same time. “Just how weird are we talking?” he mumbled, leaning back against the chair. His eyes were full of light hearted humor, but after the laughter he’d directed at me the other day, it felt pointed and uncalled for. “Like, UFOS in the sky or a mouse in your soda can?”
“It was Sophie.” I didn’t need to say anything else. I’d got his attention. If I was a smarter person then perhaps, I would have put things together right then. But I wasn’t and didn’t.
“What about Sophie?”
“She asked me about you and me going to the prom.”
“Why did she do that?” He looked uncomfortable. “Did she say anything else?” He was digging for information. I could see the mild panic in his eyes.
“I don’t know why she did it, but she seemed surprised when I told her that we were going together.”
“You told her that?”
“Why wouldn’t I tell her that?” He didn’t say anything. His cheeks had started to burn red and his leg was crashing into the table, as it jumped up and down in place. “What’s going on?” I wasn’t smart enough to work it out, but I knew that something wasn’t right.
“I really didn’t want to do this right now,” he said with so much hesitation that I wondered whether he was being forced to say it at gunpoint. My eyes darted around the room. There wasn’t an ominous assassin anywhere in view. I was being ridiculous. There wasn’t any gun. He was just a coward.
“You didn’t want to do what?” I pushed him to go on, because everything about the situation was making my stomach flip.
He brushed his hand through his hair and threw his body back against the faded booth seat. A large, over-worked sigh pushed through his lips and his eyes danced around me, but avoided making contact with me. “So, I don’t know, it’s just, I’ve been thinking that maybe we should take a break.”
“You don’t sound very convinced about that.”
He looked as though he was in physical pain. Was it because this was hurting him or was it because the situation was uncomfortable? “We need to take a break,” he said more firmly.
“Why?”
“Does there have to be a why?”
“Well, yeah. We’re together, so if you want to break up, then you should probably have a reason.”
“I just don’t think we’re working,” he said weakly.
“That’s not the reason.” Now I had to push. “I’m going to need you tell me the truth.”
“I am telling you the truth.” His leg was twitching even more. “I just don’t think that we’re working.”
I sat back against the booth. I could feel my heart starting to hurt in a dull, toothachy way that was smothering everything else I might have been feeling.
Then I saw it. “This is about Sophie, isn’t it?” I asked without giving away the pain that I was feeling on the inside.
“Why would you say that?” His voice broke as he spoke.
He was lying. I didn’t even need to look at him to know that he was lying.
“What you said was a lie,” I told him calmly. “I saw the look in Sophie’s eyes when I said that I was going to the prom with you. You’ve already asked her, haven’t you? You’re the one who bought her that pretty necklace, aren’t you?”
He said nothing. He didn’t need to. His silence answered all the questions I’d put to him. “How long?” I asked, because that was one thing that his silence couldn’t tell me.
“How long?” he repeated as though he didn’t understand the question.
“How long have you been seeing her behind my back?”
“Do you really want to do this?” His eyes finally met mine. “Do you really want to do this here?”
“You’ve already done this,” I told him straight. “I’m just cleaning up the mess that you’ve left. So tell me: how long have you being seeing her for?”
“A few months,” he shrugged. “Maybe, I’m not sure.”
“You’ve been doing this for a few months? Why? Why would you do that behind my back? Do you know what people are going to say when they find out?”
“Is that what you care about?” he snorted. “Is that really what you’re bothered about? What people think of you?”
“What does it matter to you?”
He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter to me; I just think it’s funny.”
“Well, I’m glad that I’m a source of amusement to you,” I said coldly.
I stood up so that I could leave the diner, but I found myself lingering as a thousand unspoken words flew around my mind. “You know, I didn’t deserve this. You could have ended things way back before you started things up with her. You could have done this the right way, but you didn’t. Do you even know how much you mean to me? Do you even realize to what extent I love you?”
“I’m not sure it matters.”
“You’re right, it doesn’t,” I said sadly, before walking away.
CHAPTER 5
My mom had me because it was the proper thing to do. It was what was expected after you got married and bought your first house. I was the child that she was supposed to have.
She loved me. That was something that I didn’t really have any doubts about, but she wasn’t a naturally maternal person and she preferred to spend her time at the golf club with all of the other fabulous wives than at home with me. I was fine with that. I was quite happy to have our overly-large home to myself.
It was on one of these alone-but-not-lonely mornings that I found an envelope waiting for me beside the coffee machine. It was sort of thick, and at the top left of the envelope was the name of the college that I’d applied to.
I switched on the coffee machine and waited until I had a full mu, before I sat down at the large oak table so that I could could deal with the letter.
I was nervous, but it wasn’t the same kind of nervous that I’d expected when I’d sent the application off. It was a nervous that was tainted with all kinds of bad vibes.
I’d only applied to one college. I’d only applied to the college that Eric was applying to. He didn’t know that’s what I had done, since it was meant to be a surpris
e. Now, if I got in, then I would have to face going to college and seeing him every day. Or even him and Sophie together, if that scuzz played managed the same little surprise I had set up.
The alternative was not going to college at all this year, because I’d put all of my eggs in one basket.
I didn’t even want to open the letter. I pushed it away from me in disgust as I thought about the two options it presented to me.
It wasn’t fair. A week ago I had been the girl who had everything, but now I was sitting at the table with nothing. Oh, sure, I had the grand, empty house, which now felt like it was mocking my grand, empty life.
What was I going to do? I didn’t even have a date to the prom. Could I go to prom without a date? The idea wasn’t an appealing one, but neither was the prospect of missing it completely.
I cried out into the silent space around me. It didn’t even provide a good echo in response.
This was all Eric’s fault. How could he do this to me so close to the prom? Why would he do this to me? What did Sophie have that I didn’t? Were red hair and fluttering lashes really that much of an upgrade?
It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair. How could Sophie betray me? How could she push her boobs in my face to show me a necklace that my own boyfriend had bought her?
I’d always thought that were sort of well matched. I’d always thought that we were equals when it came to manipulative techniques, but she was something else entirely. I would have never had done this to her. I would never have lured someone she cared about away from her. It was cruel. It was too cruel.
Images of Sam with me flashed into my mind. It was in my mind; it was everywhere in my cell phone’s memory and out there on social media. I had flaunted Sam and me. I had hung him like a trophy around my neck the way Sophie was dangling that necklace. I felt a karmic slap in the face, which told me that I couldn’t cry innocence even if I wanted to.
I pulled the letter over to me and forced myself to open it. I read the opening line. It was the general thank you for applying. I skipped over what looked like a bunch of boring information, until my eyes settled on the word ‘congratulations’.
I was in. I’d got in to the one college I had applied to. I had got into the program that I’d applied for, too. It said so, right there on the paper in front of me. I was going to college and I was going to major in photography. I was going to college and I would be on the last campus on earth that I wanted to be on.
I placed the paper carefully back down on the table. It should have been a happy moment. It was a moment I’d seen emoted to death in films and television: the nervous mom and dad gathering around their kid as they open the letter, the anxious moment, then the big reveal and joy joy joy all around.
I didn’t have any of that. I didn’t even have a smile for myself. In fact the only thing that could have made me smile in that moment was Eric’s smile, because it had that power.
Or, at least, it had had that power until yesterday. I wasn’t sure what would happen when I saw it again. The idea struck me that his smiles were no longer going to be because of me. The thought hurt. It hurt with suddenness like being punched in the gut.
I finished my coffee, which was almost cold, and put the mug in the sink. I needed to set off for school. I was going to be late, that was unavoidable after all the time I’d wasted procrastinating over opening the letter.
I wondered whether I could just skip the day completely. Most of the major classes were finished and I was sure that word about Eric and Sophie would have spread at an inconceivable speed. Skipping school seemed like a good idea and I toyed with it for a whole two minutes, before my feet took my reluctant mind towards the door.
I had a perfect attendance record. I’d gone to school the day that I’d nearly passed out with the flu. I’d gone to school the same day that I found out my beloved grandmother had passed away. I wasn’t going to start skipping now just because Eric had decided to mess up the one good thing he had going for him.
CHAPTER 6
Everybody was looking at me. Everybody was talking about me, but no one was talking to me. I felt like a leper. I could feel people staring at me all day. I could hear them whispering about me, but not one person had the decency to ask how I was. I tried for the most part to ignore them. I was biding my time. My last class of the day was history and it was the first class that I would have with Sophie since I’d found out about her and Eric.
She’d left the campus at lunch. I’d done a quick tour of her usual haunts, but I couldn’t find her. It wasn’t that surprising, though. She’d always been afraid of conflict, which was ironic considering how much she caused. I wasn’t even sure whether she would turn up for class. We’d already had our history finals and she had less than a perfect attendance record.
My questions were answered when I walked into to the stuffy room, which was covered in posters that featured muscly Roman emperors and overweight royalty. Sophie was sitting right at the back. I could see the bright white wire hanging from her phone, which led down to the power outlet on the wall.
She didn’t notice me walk in, but she noticed the change in the air, which came from every other person in the room taking in breath at the same time. The normal buzz of conversation dropped to silence. I was commanding more attention than our teacher had ever received.
Sophie looked up and her eyes met mine. Her lips twitched for a moment. She looked conflicted, as though she wasn’t sure where she stood with me. But it wasn’t something that she had to struggle with for long. She could see in my eyes where she stood with me. She could see that our friendship had burned to the ground.
“We can’t do this here,” she told me from across the classroom. “Have you seen them all watching?” Why did people let her talk about them like that? She was acting as though they were all vultures, yet not one of them spoke up against it. “We can talk after class if you want.”
“Do you really think that you’re going to call the shots here?”
She shrugged. “Fine, I just figured you’d want to save what little dignity you had left.” What little dignity I had left? Who did she think she was talking to?
“You do realize that the only person who has lost their dignity is you, right?”
“You keep thinking that if you want,” she brushed me off.
I could see heads turning from her to me and back to her, as they followed the train wreck of a conversation. I tried to ignore everyone but her.
“Sophie, you’re the one who couldn’t keep her knickers up. You’re the one who’s cheated on your best friend. You’re the girl who has been happy standing in the shadows, as her man told another girl that he loved her.”
Something I said stuck a chord in her, because her eyes flared with anger. How could she be angry, after what she had done?
“He was lying to you,” she said coldly. It was strange to see a fire burn so hot in her eyes, yet feel her words be so icy.
“He was lying to me about what?”
“Loving you,” she smiled cruelly. “He told me ages ago. Apparently you told him that you loved him way too soon and he felt trapped. What was he supposed to do, when you all but hounded him into saying it? Poor guy.” She tilted her head as though she was really feeling sorry for Sam, even though in reality she was just soaking up every bit of her glorious defeat. Part of me admired the performance.
“I wonder how long it’s going to take him to say that about you.” My voice wasn’t angry. It wasn’t hurt. It wasn’t anything. I was just pointing out the facts as they suddenly appeared to me. He might have been talking slam about me, but it wouldn’t be long until he was doing the same about Sophie too. Guys who do that tend to be repeat offenders.
“Oh, sweetie,” she said, her eyes full of pity. “I know how to keep a man satisfied, so I’m not going to have worries like that.”
I noticed that my hands had curled into fists. The tips of my perfectly manicured fingers were digging into my skin to the point where a dull stin
g had started to radiate up my arms. I wanted to hit her. I wanted to hit the stupid, smug look right off of her face. I wanted to see her falling to the ground. I wanted to be the reason that she was crying in a ball on the floor.
“Is something going on here?” The bumbling sound of our history teacher cut through my anger-induced visions. “Do I need to call the principal in?” he asked warily.
“Yeah, Sophie,” I said, “does he need to call the principal?” I glared at her with such intensity that I was sure there was a chance she could be killed from that alone.
She didn’t die though. She just grinned at me in a triumphant way. And why wouldn’t she? What hadn’t she won? She’d taken my man, she’d humiliated me in front of the school and now the teacher was protecting her ass from getting kicked.
“No, sir. Everything is fine,” I said reluctantly as I walked over to an empty seat and sat down.
“Good,” he nodded. “The last thing I want is trouble when we’re so close to finishing the school year.”
He turned to the board and started to write down a list of dates before turning back. “Now, can anyone tell me why these dates are special?” he asked, as though anybody was still bothered about learning, when it wasn’t going to change their grades.
CHAPTER 7
My dress for prom had been specially made. It was cut to fit my body in a way that an off-the-rack dress never would. It managed to make my boobs look full and bouncy, even though I wasn’t wearing a bra. The material was a silk mixture that felt like water across my skin. I was a perfect watery purple, which matched the way the sky looked right before dusk settled into night. It was beautiful. It had the ability to make any girl look stunning. The fact that I was already gifted with good looks only emphasized its hypnotic powers.
I turned on the spot, keeping my eyes on my reflection in the mirror. The dress and I looked good from all angles. I was going to show Eric how big of a mistake he had made. I was going to make him regret everything. I was going to make him look at Sophie as though she was some dodgy second prize that had been palmed off onto him. I was going to make him want me again, and when he did, I was going to crush him like he’d crushed me.
Losing Cassie Page 2
