Supreme excellence consists in breaking the Enemy’s resistance—and limbs—without fighting. If you still have a working set of choppers, this should be easy. Better yet, follow your Enemy’s example and arm yourself. For every crowbar, brandish a lead pipe or Louisville Slugger. You’ll be glad you did.
Whenever possible, prevent Humans from forming into groups. This is one instance where the maxim “two heads are better than one” does not hold true. Under no circumstances should Humans be permitted to collaborate, for you can be sure they are plotting only one thing: your demise.
With the Horde at your back, attack the Mortals in the fields and on the streets. Watch them scatter and then pick them off one at a time. Watch them behave not like the intelligent beings they would like us to think they are, but like newly decapitated fowls. Teenage girls are especially prone to panic and ill-advised actions, as they will insist on re-entering a Horde-occupied building to retrieve cell phones and small canines—which are hardly worth eating. Such young females present easy and tasty targets, although one would need to consume many of them in order to reach full brain satiety. Teenage boys will mount foolhardy displays of bravado, especially if females are present. Munch at will (or on Will, if that’s his name).
Humans can be assailed on the ground floor of almost any structure—and they will usually choose an unsuitable one for a refuge. For example, given the choice between the Beef Jerky Mart stocked with big guns and ammo, and the Starbucks across the street, they’ll choose Starbucks every time. They will soon learn that they cannot hurt us with jets of latte foam, but by then it will be too late. Try to avoid falling into coffee roasters or grinders, however.
If the Humans catch on that we cannot climb ladders or stairs, and retreat to the second floor of a structure, they are best left. They’ve gotta come down sometime, if only to eat. Time is on our side. Such are the disastrous consequences (for Humans) of multi-story structures. While you wait, try your hand at some arts-and-crafts projects that don’t require opposable thumbs. And wait quietly. Moaning will not induce your quarry to appear; studies—and popular movies—show that Zombie vocalizations frighten Humans.
Therefore, the successful ghoul subdues the Human prey while expending a minimum of time and energy. With our forces intact, and without losing our heads, our triumph will be complete.
It is the Rule of the Apocalypse: If our forces number ten to the Mortals’ one, surround them; if five to one, attack them; if we are twice as numerous, split them into equal forces. This may require some barter and exchange of limbs. Give a brother a hand—literally.
If equally matched, we can offer battle; if inferior in numbers, we can fool the Enemy. For example, if the Humans seek refuge in a mall or shopping center—as they are very likely to do, given their inordinate fondness for consumer goods and gadgets—the resourceful Zombie can pretend to be a “mall walker,” one of a type of superannuated individual who shuffles past the food court with a curiously Zombiesque gait. Be sure, however, to procure the proper apparel for pulling off this stratagem. Pastel-colored workout gear is favored (try to coordinate to the green of your particular skin tone), as are fuzzy headbands—handy for concealing oozing head wounds.
The Zombie must remain the master of his own meal ticket. If the Horde is secure at all points, it will be a Horde of inhuman strength. If the Horde is full of holes—as may happen with the decomposing—it will be weak. There are many ways a Zombie can bring misfortune on his fellow Undead:
By signaling the Horde to advance or retreat, when many members have no legs. These unfortunate ghouls will be left in the dust.
By behaving like a Human, being ignorant, or being in denial of the Zombie condition. This causes extreme confusion, and may even result in head explosions, or Zombie-on-Zombie violence (not for prime time TV!).
By employing his fellow Undead indiscriminately, stepping on toes, or failing to observe and adapt to field conditions. This will shake even a seasoned Zombie’s confidence, which may already be shaky. (Hey, have you looked in a mirror lately?)
When the Horde is restless, trouble is sure to follow. It is then that we fail to get one another’s backs and fall prey to the salvos of the Humans, forsaking victory.
THE FIVE ESSENTIALS FOR VICTORY:
The Zombie who knows when to fight and when to shamble away lives to eat another day.
He will win who knows how to handle large and small groups of Humans.
He will win when the Horde is animated by the Spirit of the Undead. Reanimated cheerleaders may be used for this purpose.
He will win when he retains the element of surprise. Don’t stop to take pictures.
He will win who perseveres and is not interfered with by petty concerns. The Apocalypse is an inappropriate time to start obsessing about those unpaid parking tickets. Instead, hunt down that meter maid and show her what-for, Undead style! You will not only vindicate yourself, but you will have recruited a new member of the Horde.
Hence the saying: If you know the Enemy (the Humans), and you know yourself (or what’s left of you), you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.
four
TACTICS
In the midst
of life they are
in death
Sun-Tzumbie said: The good Zombies of old first put themselves beyond the possibilities of defeat and waited for opportunities of defeating the Enemy in graveyards, in fields, and at the Monroeville Mall.
Securing ourselves against defeat lies in our own hands, especially if all our fingers are intact, but the opportunity of defeating the Enemy is provided by the Enemy itself.
Humans tend to panic, scream, freeze with fear, and stumble into our grasping arms. Or they are overconfident, loitering under trees in orange hunting vests, quaffing their Rolling Rocks, seeking to put their .22s to our heads. Ha! Talk about overkill! We may be slow in more ways than one. As a wise Zombie once said, “Death is nature’s way of telling us to slow down.” But the Human all too often forgets that the Horde is also headstrong.
We. Never. Give. Up.
The good Zombie is able to secure himself against the cricket bat and bowling ball, but cannot be certain of defeating the Enemy. Hence the Human saying: “One may know how to conquer without being able to do it.” This is true in reverse for the attention-insufficient Zombie. We may be able to conquer without really knowing how we are doing it, besides biting and NOMMING, that is.
Security against defeat implies defensive tactics. Ability to defeat the Enemy means taking the offensive. And that is what Zombies do—offend. You go, ghoul!
Standing on the defensive indicates insufficient strength. Attacking indicates a superabundance of strength. Always bite off more than you can chew—and chew it!
The general who is skilled in defense hides in the most secret recesses of the Earth: the abandoned Piggly Wiggly, the deserted filling station, the back booths of Applebee’s. He who is skilled in attack flashes forth from these unseen depths of hell. Thus on the one hand we have the ability to protect ourselves; on the other, for a victory that is complete, we can—and we will—spring from the back room of Yankee Candle and look alive!
Madame Cadavre Exquis refers to the story of Han Zombo who, when about to attack the exceedingly superior army of Chaos, moaned to his forces: “Let us go and annihilate the Enemy, and meet again at dinner.” His Zombies murmured doubtfully. But Zombo had already worked out in his mind the details of a stratagem whereby (as he foresaw) he was able to capture the army in time for a gloriously gory evening meal.
To see victory only when it is within the ken of the common Horde is not the acme of excellence. Neither is it the acme of excellence if you fight and conquer and the whole Horde says, “Well done, NOM, NOM!” By the way, speaking of acme, Sun-Tzumbie reminds us: Beware the Acme Giant Rubber Band for Tripping Road Runners... and Zombies. (You know how Humans are influenced by cartoons.)
True excellence is planning secretly (beware the growing
numbers of Humans studying Zombie phrase books), moving surreptitiously (do the best you can), foiling the Enemies’ intentions (keep your head), and thwarting their schemes (like when they use cauliflower as a brain “decoy”), so that at last the day may be won with Zombies relatively intact.
Humans say that to see the sun and moon is no sign of sharp sight; to hear the noise of thunder is no sign of a quick ear. (Duh. And they think we are the lame BRRRAAAIIINNNS.) Indeed, what the ancients called a clever Corpse is one who not only wins, but excels in winning with ease. Hence his victories bring him neither reputation for wisdom, nor credit for courage, but BRRRAAAIIINNNS. He wins his battles by making no mistakes, or at least as few as possible, keeping in mind that we can sustain a heckava lot more damage than can our opponents. Making no mistakes is what establishes the certainty of victory, for it means conquering an Enemy that is already defeated. For us, it is only a matter of time.
Hence the skillful fighter puts himself into a position which makes defeat impossible, and does not miss the moment for mayhem. Thus it is that in war the victorious strategist seeks battle only after the victory has been won, whereas He Who Is Destined To Be Defeated (de-feeted?) first fights and afterward looks for victory. As he drags his formerly Human feet into the shambling waves of the Horde. BWAHAHA!
The consummate Zombie cultivates the immoral law, and strictly adheres to method in its madness, and total (lack of) discipline; thus it is in his power to control success. Heads (especially if we don’t lose them), WE WIN. Tails (or other parts), you lose.
Skeleton from The Illustrated One Hundred Demons from the Present and the Past
MILITARY PRINCIPLES
In respect of military method, the successful Horde employs these essential principles:
Measurement
How much terrain is occupied by the Human enemy?
Estimation
How many of the Mortal fools are there?
Calculation
Can the Enemy be attacked successfully?
Balancing of Chances
Does the Horde retain every chance to kick ass?
And speaking of chance, remember: “You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.” You’ve got an appetite for the afterlife. And a hunger for BRRRAAAIIINNNS. Satisfy it!
A victorious army opposed to a routed one is as the weight of a “head” of cabbage placed in the scale against a single Brussels sprout. The onrush of the conquering Horde is likened to the metabolism of the common three-toed sloth. Go with the flow. Try not to trip each other up.
five
ENERGY
Heads will
roll...
and explode
Laissez les têtes
mauvais rouler!
Sun-Tzumbie said: When fighting in formation with the Horde, use the basic principles of divide (limb from limb being the ideal method) and devour.
Fighting with the Horde under your command requires control and communication. Indeed, here’s where the fun begins. It is merely a question of instituting signs and signals. Beware of the Undead Twitch, lest it betray your position to any Individuals lurking in your vicinity. Your stiffened arms are ideal for carrying out complex semaphore signals. Secure flags, rags, or even little bar towels to convey your messages.
To ensure that the Host of the Undead withstands any incursions by your Mortal foes, yet remains unshaken (that’s an easy way to lose a loose limb!), use both direct and indirect means.
Madame Cadavre Exquis says: Study the ways of the Zombies of history. A small band of Undead brought the French monarchy to its knees—and beyond—in 1789, beginning with the siege of the fortress of the Bastille. By climbing on the piled remains of their Undead brethren, this intrepid group breached the most notorious prison in Europe, setting free a host of gullible prey eager to embrace their liberators. Prisons are an ideal source of fresh food and much easier to break into than to break out of. Unlike the unfortunate French queen, you will not eat cake, nor will you lose your heads.
Hungry ghosts accept the offerings of the Living
In direct warfare maneuvers, the impact of the Horde can be like a grindstone dashed against an egg. No, not all gooey and yellow with bits of shell stuck to the rock.
WE’RE TALKING CRUSHING.
OBLITERATING.
WORLD DOMINATION.
(You’ll need to practice saying this, as your vocal skills have likely deteriorated since your demise.) To achieve this objective, we must examine the science of weak points and strong. Yours, and theirs. OK, maybe you didn’t do so well in high school. Did you get booted out of band camp? Now’s your chance to redeem yourself.
In combat, direct methods may be used. Direct: Rush at the Human. Vocalize. Frighten. Feed. However, more can be achieved by employing indirect methods. Indirect: Hide behind a tree. Ambush from the side, or perhaps in a car wash. Vocalize. Frighten. Feed. Repeat.
ON INDIRECT WARFARE
There is no end to the stratagems you can employ indirectly. Even if your mobility has been compromised (by, say, the loss of a leg), you can still trip up a naive Mortal and enjoy a tasty snack from your recumbent position. Hide in shop windows, posing with mannequins. Humans will always fall for this one, especially the females. Try for the shops featuring higher-end merchandise, as they will attract more, er, foot traffic. Try to fit in.
The possibilities of indirect tactics are as musical notes. There are but a few, yet these give rise to more melodies than can ever be heard. The Undead tend to favor either Death Metal or, if your tastes are sophisticated, the operas of Wagner and Strauss. Götterdämmerung!
There are but few primary colors, yet they produce more hues than can ever be discerned by the Undead eye. You need only concern yourself with a few colors: green (friend), red (nourishment), and—of course—gray (BRRRAAAIIINNNS!).
There are not more than five cardinal tastes (cardinals are delicious, if you are lucky enough to find yourself in Vatican City)—sour, acrid, salt, sweet, and bitter—yet combinations of them yield more flavors than can ever be tasted.
BRRRAAAIIINNNS. BRRRAAAIIINNNS and bacon. BRRRAAAIIINNNS, bacon, and chocolate. The list is endless, but should always include your diet staple, the Human.
So we have endless combinations of maneuvers at our disposal, depending on our individual levels of mobility. Each gives rise to the next. It is like moving in a circle—you never come to the end. Who can exhaust the possibilities of their combination? Well, actually, you need to be wary of moving in circles aimlessly. Many an unsuspecting ghoul has met an untimely end by means of endless wandering in circles. If you pass the same Zombie twice in an hour, consider changing direction.
ENGAGING THE ENEMY
The onset of the Horde is like the rush of a torrent which will even roll stones along in its course. Speaking of rolling stones, if you come across the one known as Keith Richards (one of Us), give him a wide berth. He’s unpredictable, given to toppling over, and may take you down with him.
For the Undead, the quality of decision is not so much like the swooping of the falcon, but more unto the circling of the vulture. Both are terrible to behold, but odds favor the vulture.
Energy may be likened to the bending of a crossbow—when carrying this out, go easy on your decaying joints—that is held in check until the decision is made to let the arrow fly. This equates to scoring a direct hit on one of the Mortals. One down, a few billion to go. Remember, odds favor the vulture.
Amid the turmoil and tumult of battle, there may be seeming disorder. Who are we kidding? Organization is not our strong suit, but we can make this work in our favor! Amid confusion and chaos (your friends), your array may be without head or tail, yet prey will come to you. (Any Zombies out there with vestigial tails? Don’t be ashamed! Stand up and be counted! Madame Cadavre Exquis instructs us that many a ghoul with a forked posterior appendage has been mistaken by Humans for an evil deity. Take advantage of their natural superstition and behave as diabolically
as you like.)
The Humans are contradictory and easy to fool. They will see your number shambling in apparent disarray and gloat, “The Undead are unbelievably disorganized. It will be a cinch to pick them off.” Seize your advantage! Our numbers are growing. We are virtually indestructible. Let them see how “easy” it is to destroy us. Humans underestimate our abilities at their own peril. More power to us. Team Zombie!
Hiding order beneath the cloak of disorder is simply a question of subdivision. Humans can’t tell one of us from the next. “You’ve seen one shambling corpse, you’ve seen them all.” You’ve heard them say it. They pay less attention than you do, and are more easily confused than you might imagine.
Remember the baits we discussed in Chapter 1. To your arsenal, you may also add recently Undead and not yet too-decomposed female specimens that Human males might find attractive. This almost always works, and can be used over and over, until your decoy is no longer serviceable (then simply recruit another). Once she’s caught his eye (literally), the rest is history.
Don’t shun unorthodox tactics like the log roll, which is great for mowing down a line of Mortals, or feigning “real” death. Lie very still. They’ll approach you if they think you’re really, truly dead. Their innate curiosity will work to your advantage.
Thus, although the “energy” of the ghoul is unorthodox in nature (we have, after all, no “life force,” but more of a “death force”), it can be harnessed like the energy of the water wheel, or the rolling stone. Why? ’Cause that’s just how we roll. So much on the subject of energy.
The Art of War for Zombies: Ancient Chinese Secrets of World Domination, Apocalypse Edition. Page 2
