His brother Jeremy had been three years older than Neil, Nina remembered, and had died of Leukemia. Neil always found it hard to discuss, though every year he left flowers at his brother’s grave. She wanted to offer comfort as Rita no doubt wanted to, but his rigid posture screamed to be left alone.
“I don’t...I don’t like remembering it, let alone talking about it.”
“I understand.” Nina looked back and forth between him and Rita. “What...what’s that got to do with me praying?”
“We prayed for Jeremy,” Neil spat. “My parents spent hours praying. Days. Weeks.” His voice caught with emotion. “Nothing changed.”
She squeezed her eyes shut as pain for him flooded her. “I see. Oh God, Neil, I’m so–”
His eyes chilled. “God had nothing to do with it. If he had, Jeremy would still be alive.”
“Neil,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done it in front of you. I wasn’t thinking.” She bit her lip, more than aware of being on sticky and unfamiliar ground. She tried to blink back tears, but it was useless as they began to fall. Neil’s pain had never really healed, she realized. He kept it bottled up inside, hidden extremely well from all those who knew and loved him. But their current circumstances seemed to be pushing him over the edge, as it was for all of them.
“Sweetheart–?” Rita began, and rose to comfort him, but he didn’t appear to see or hear her, his face taut with grief.
“You know that my parents even fasted,” he whispered. “But what good did it do? Jeremy still died. He still died,” he repeated. Stopping in the middle of the room, he covered his face with hands that shook. “He still died.”
Nina nodded. She knew the story, and only hoped that Neil discussing it now would deliver some kind of relief for him.
Rita wrapped her arms tightly around his waist, but his tall frame remained immovable, his hands now hanging limply at his sides.
“Do you have any idea what’s it like to watch someone you love deteriorate little by little each day?” Neil breathed over Rita’s head, his eyes on Nina. “Watch them turn grayer and grayer?”
Nina could only shake her head. Her throat was wedged with emotion. When her parents had died it had been quick, unexpected, and merciless. She hadn’t had to watch them wither away, hadn’t had to watch them suffer. They had been taken without her seeing it.
“Neil–” Rita began brokenly, but he continued as if she hadn’t spoken.
“My father started to work part-time. We lost our house. I had to change schools.” His eyes had become distant, locked into his tortured memories. “All the while Jeremy got worse. How many candles did my mother burn?” he asked to no one in particular. His voice was low with long-lived and unhealed pain. Pulling away from Rita, he turned away from both of them so his back was to them. “Finally Jeremy died. I stopped believing in God that day.” He met Rita’s eyes over his shoulder. “And I’m not going to change now.”
So that was it. Nina’s heart bled for him. Rita wanted them all to pray. Neil didn’t want to.
“I don’t...” Rita took a deep breath, and tried again. “I don’t know why people die unnecessarily or unfairly. That’s a question you’ll have to ask Him yourself.” She looked across at Luke who she’d placed beside her. He was seeping, his soft breathing the only sound in the room.
Nina studied her hands. Hadn’t she spent months after her parents death agonizing over why they had died so unjustly, when others who drove recklessly every day had survived? Why had they been met with a drunk driver? She’d exhausted herself trying to answer that question until she’d never have the answer.
“I didn’t pray when my parents died,” she murmured. “They were already dead.” She looked up to meet Neil’s eyes when he turned his gaze on her. “But I understand how you feel now.”
“He’s angry,” Rita said on a hitching breath. “He sees this whole nightmare as the Most High putting us all in this situation.”
Nina frowned. “Hugh’s insecurities put us in this situation.”
Rita threw up her hands in relief. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell him.” Clearly relieved Nina could see that, Rita let out a long breath. “I believe in the power of prayer, Nina. Neil...doesn’t anymore.”
“What reason would I have to believe?” Neil bit out. “That might work for you, Ange and Derek, but it’s never worked for me so why should I bother?”
Rita ran a hand over her matted mane of black hair. Like the rest of their hair, Rita’s was in much need of washing and conditioning. “I want to pray, and I’d like us all to take part, but this isn’t about force or guilt. Nina, what do you think?”
Torn, Nina looked between Neil, her friend for nearly fifteen years, and his wife Rita. “What do you think will happen if we pray, Rita? You think maybe those rescue planes will come back?”
Rita lifted her shoulders, let them fall. “I don’t know, but I have an expectation that things will get better for us. They have to. I don’t see any point in praying without expectations.”
Neil threw her a look of comic disbelief. “Rita, I’ve just told you–”
“I know, baby,” she said softly, laying a hand on his shoulder. “But that was then, and this is now. What do you think, Neen?”
“I don’t know anything right now.” She flicked a glance at Neil’s uncompromising expression. “It’s something Ange would do,” she admit.
Rita was smiling. “Yes. And we should all pray together. There’s more power in that.”
Nina bit her lip. “The others might not want to, Rita,” she warned.
“We’ll simply ask them. If they don’t want to then that’s fine.”
Neil looked at Nina in disbelief. “You haven’t listened to a word I’ve said?” His gaze switched to Rita. “Neither of you have. Prayers don’t work.” And he moved to lay down on his sleeping platform.
Nina’s heart twisted at the ache behind his words, at the emptiness in his eyes. She’d seen the same emptiness in Emily’s eyes on the lake. She went to gently lay a hand on his shoulder. “I heard what you said, but it will make Rita feel better. And...it would make me feel better.” She sent him a direct look.
”Besides,” Neil suddenly said. “Ange herself isn’t able to pray with us.”
“No.” Nina bit her lip. “But we can pray on her behalf. We can pray for her.” And despite what Neil said, knowing that settled her.
Neil stared up at the snow covered ceiling. “Do you know how painful it is to pray, to believe something, and then nothing happens?” His voice was scratchy in the quiet room. “I won’t put myself through that. Not again.”
Taking Neil’s face between her hands, Rita bent and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “We’ve tried to deal with this ourselves, and it hasn’t worked.” She drew back from him and turned to Nina. “Do you mind asking the others?”
Chapter 15
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“Pray, huh?” Lying on his back staring thoughtfully up at the ceiling, Jake slowly sat up and considered her.
Nina smiled. “You suggested it the first night we were out here. Don’t you remember?”
He thought for a moment and then nodded. “You’re right.” He sat up. “You believe in a higher power then?”
“I do,” she said simply.
“Me too,” he said as he slid off his sleeping platform. “Although when I was younger, at first none of it made any sense. I’ve gained a better understanding.”
Nina nodded.
Jake opened his rucksack and pulled out a candle. “So what’s Rita actually suggesting? Please tell me that she’s not suggesting we sit around and chant?”
She arched a brow. “Is that why you’re getting that candle out, so we can chant around it?” Those were the candles that Emily had salvaged from their crashed jet, she knew.
Jake’s mouth quirked. “I’m getting it out because the other one’s almost out, and I forgot to change it earlier.” He arched a brow. �
��And I’d struggle picturing Neil chanting to anything.”
She looked away. “He’s not joining us for the prayer.”
“Oh.” Jake didn’t attempt to hide his confusion. “Why not?”
Nina sighed. “He has his reasons,” she said, and left it at that. “So, are you joining us?”
He nodded. “Sure. Count me in.”
“Good. I’ll go and ask Parker and his sons.” She paused when a strange expression crossed Jake’s face, and remembered what had transpired earlier that afternoon between him and Parker. “A lot of stuff has come out on this trip hasn’t it?” she said softly.
“I don’t know how to process it all,” he admitted raggedly.
They looked at each other for a moment until she finally said. “If you want to talk about it, I’m happy to lend an ear.”
His eyes warmed. “Thanks. I just might take you up on that.” They smiled at each other before she turned and headed out.
She heard soft murmurings coming from Parker’s room, and she coughed loudly as she reached their doorway.
Parker sat on the edge of his sleeping platform facing Justin who lay on his back atop his. Justin stared up at the ceiling while Parker spoke to him in hushed, urgent tones. Nina’s face stiffened when Hugh glanced toward her. His splinted legs lay unmoving in front of him, and his complexion, sunken from lack of fresh air, was gray.
“Nina,” he greeted softly. His eyes, miserable with guilt and pain, ran over her black eye and he winced.
She ignored him, focusing instead on Parker and Justin as they turned towards her. “I’ve just come from Jake’s room.” She wasn’t surprised when Parker and Justin exchanged a quick glance. “Rita has suggested we all get together and pray,” she finished.
All three men stared at her.
“Pray?” Justin said finally.
“I’ve been praying since we got here,” Parker revealed.
“You have?” Justin’s head whipped around to him. “You never said.”
“Both times I’ve been for a cigarette I prayed.” Parker’s gaze swept their small enclosure. “As you can see, it made a huge difference.”
Justin smirked.
Nina’s own lips curved in amusement despite herself. “I didn’t know you were a believer, Parker.”
“Neither did I, then I found myself eating snow.”
Now she couldn’t help but chuckle. “Rita wants to do this.” She continued to concentrate on him and Justin alone, ignoring Hugh. Due to his physical limitations, he wouldn’t be able to join them anyway. “Would you like to join us?”
Justin slid her a sideways glance. “Is Jake going to pray too?”
Why did that matter? she thought, but answered. “Yes.”
“Hey guys,” Rita stood in the doorway, Luke sat snugly in her arms. “I’ll meet you in the corridor.”
When she left, Nina turned back to Parker and Justin. “She believes it’s better if we all pray together.”
Doubt showed clearly on Parker’s face but he nodded politely. “Okay.” He looked at Justin. “Well?”
He nodded. “Okay.”
“Angela?” Parker enquired as they followed her out of the room.
Nina shook her head. “She needs more help than we can give her here. That’s why Rita wants to pray.”
Jake and Rita had already seated themselves near the entrance of the cave. Jake’s gaze flicked over Parker and Justin as they approached.
Luke gurgled noisily in Rita’s arms, thrusting his chubby arms out when he saw Nina. Smiling, she took him from Rita, settling the baby snugly against her chest as she sat beside Jake.
Parker and Justin sat down, and instinctively, everyone shifted to form a circle.
“Where’s Neil?” Parker asked Rita as he carefully sat down. “Isn’t he joining us?”
“No.”
Parker arched a brow in question, but when it became evident that Rita was not going to elaborate, he let it drop.
“Right,” Rita began, and took a moment to meet everyone’s gazes. “There’s actually no point in us doing this if we don’t believe He will help. We’ve got to try and believe.”
Parker blew out a breath. “That might be a struggle, Rita, but okay, let’s try it. Heck what have we got to lose?” He sent a look at both Jake and Justin as he said it, then refocused on Rita with a small smile. “Maybe I can believe a teeny-weeny bit.” He demonstrated by bringing in thumb and forefinger to illustrate a pinch size amount. “Like this much.”
She chuckled “That’s a start.”
Chapter 16
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Nina buried her face in Luke’s soft hair and along with the rest of them, bowed their heads and Rita began to pray.
“...Father, we need your help. Drastic, urgent, divine help.” Rita paused and took a hitching breath.
With a swallow, Nina wondered if Rita would be able to continue; her voice fractured like glass with every word under the weight of her emotions.
“We’re at our wits end. We –” Breaking off, Rita huffed out a pained breath and composed herself once more. “We’ve been at our wit’s end from the moment we got here.”
That was putting it mildly, Nina thought. Opening her eyes, she looked across at Rita. The other woman held her head in her hands.
“We don’t know when help will come,” Rita continued. “But we know that You’re here. And your daughter Angela needs your help.”
Sucking in a breath, Nina snuggled closer against little Luke.
“You know what we need. You know our situation because you can see us, as you see all things. We need you. We need you to show up in our situation. We need you to reveal yourself.”
The passion in Rita’s voice brought a lump to Nina’s throat. When Luke shifted in her arms, she opened her eyes. He yawned widely, his small rosebud mouth making a perfect bow. With a soft smile, she ran a hand gently over his hair as he settled back against her.
“We believe you’re going to make a way out of this for us, Most High God,” Rita continued earnestly. “You know we have families back home; people we care about, people we love,” Rita continued. “Lives that we want to continue living.”
Her siblings’ faces flashed through Nina’s mind then, and she desperately sought to hold on to their images. Rita couldn’t be more right; they had lives and people to go back to. Alex’s face popped into her mind too, but she pushed it away. She couldn’t think of him any longer. His face wouldn’t get her through this.
“Most High God, we don’t know what else to do. We don’t know what to think. This has turned into a nightmare none of us saw coming.”
But they should have seen it coming, Nina thought angrily and kept her eyes closed when they were tempted to whip toward where Hugh was.
“So, Most High God, we pray and lift up this situation to you. We don’t know what the future holds but you do, and we pray that you’re with us every step of the way. We ask all this in the name of the Most High. In Your name we have prayed.”
When Rita said nothing more for several more seconds, Nina snapped her eyes open and realized Rita had finished. Everyone else had their eyes open and looking at Rita.
“Finished?” Parker asked her with a smile.
“Finished,” she confirmed, and smiled. “I feel better for doing that.” She sighed. “I wished I’d instigated praying earlier; I’m sure I would’ve slept better.”
Getting to his feet, Justin paused to regard her for a moment. “Thank you, Rita, that was really nice.” He glanced briefly at Jake before heading back to his room.
“That boy never ceases to amaze me,” Parker murmured.
Chapter 17
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Two hours later, Nina turned from where she had been lying on her sleeping platform and sat up. Gently she rotated her shoulders, wincing a bit at the kinks in them as she stretched. She checked on Angela—no change—and left the room, desperately needing to stretch her legs.
Jake wasn’t in his room. She poked her head into Parker’s–only Hugh and Justin lay there–sound asleep. Further investigation revealed Neil, Rita, and Luke slept soundly in their room too, but Parker and Jake were nowhere to be seen. Had they gone to get water? Her body shuddered at the thought of it. Or maybe they’d gotten into another argument and this time taken it outside? She groaned inwardly. That she wished to avoid. They better not have left the cave without telling her. Just the thought of it had her hackles rising. Hadn’t Jake torn into her for doing the same thing only the day before?
Furious, already knowing exactly what she’d say when she saw them, she started for the cave entrance when a crackling sound from outside made her stop.
She froze.
She knew that sound. She knew it, and it made her heart run cold with dread.
It had disrupted her sleep in the cave more than once– the sickening and unmistakable gunfire-like sound of an impending avalanche.
“No, no, no” she whispered, her hand hitting the cave wall for support as dizziness swept over her. Then another thought crossed her mind and her heart stopped beating altogether.
Jake and Parker were out there.
Her stomach dropped.
Legs as weak as a damp kitchen cloth, she moved gingerly toward the entrance of the cave, using the wall for support. The gunfire sound only grew louder as she painstakingly lowered to all fours and crawled out of the cave.
It was still snowing. Not heavily but steadily. Clenching her gloved hands she gulped in the frigid damp air and looked around frantically. She should have known she wouldn’t see either Jake or Parker; that would have been too easy.
She cupped her hands around her mouth as she called their names, all the while avoiding glancing towards the distance at the tall brick wall of snow that the avalanche had settled into. She tried not to flinch each time a gunfire sound split the air, and kept her gaze focused straight ahead, unwilling and unprepared to witness another one. She squinted up at the sky, trying to see through the white curtain of falling snow; she blinked, desperate to see any signs of the rescue planes that had arrived the day before.
Spiral and Torn Books 1 and 2 of The Salzburg Saga Trilogy Page 25
