His jaw ached with tension. “So why do you keep your scars covered? Are you ashamed of them?” As soon as he asked the question, he wanted to take it back.
The hurt in her eyes cut him. Her delicate hand went to the base of her throat, flattening the multicolored scarf she wore today. Her dark skin went a tint lighter.
Arm extended to her, he needed to take the pain away. The pain he had caused. She stepped out of his reach. “I’m sorry. That was a jerk thing to say.” His arms ached to hold her. The years living with Viviana had taught him how words could hurt. He didn’t want to be that person. “I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re right. I still have broken parts and fears I don’t want to face. Life is not easy.” She pulled the scarf off and wrapped it around her hand. “The scar is from the car accident that caused the death of my baby girl.”
He couldn’t stand it, being so far away from her after he was the one who caused her suffering. As gently as he could, he pulled her to the couch. She wouldn’t look at him, but she followed.
“You don’t owe me anything. It was none of my business to begin with, and I’m truly sorry for what I said. If there was a way to take it back, I would.”
“I know.” She shrugged. “As many times as I’ve asked for forgiveness, you’d think I’d be over it by now, but you’re right. There’s a part of me that hangs on to the guilt. They delivered the news about Steve. I shouldn’t have been driving, but nothing would stop me. I’ll probably never get completely over it.”
Slowly, Anjelica rose and walked over to the picture of her late husband. “I promised Steve I would take care of our baby girl and made him promise not to play the hero. He pledged to come back home to us. We both failed.”
She stood silent for a while before turning back to him. Maybe this was it—she would see how life was too short and she would change her mind about his proposal.
“Everyone kept telling me he died a hero. How I should be so proud of him.” Her mouth was firm, all tenderness gone. Golden eyes now clear of tears, she stood straight, her chin up. “To tell the truth, I was angry. Another reason a marriage between us would never work. I can’t live with another hero. A man that rushes into danger with a gun strapped to his body.”
She shook. “Your guilt is you didn’t react fast enough. That you didn’t die that day and others did.” A lopsided pull of her lips that formed a warped illusion of a smile became the saddest expression. “I can’t sit at home wondering whose life you might save at the risk of your own. That sounds really selfish of me, but I can’t do that again. We each have broken parts.” She played with the edge of her scarf. “I realize it’s so much easier to say ‘hand it over to God’ than to actually hand everything over. Yes, there are bits and pieces of me that clutter the floor, but I know my limits.” A sigh heavy with sadness left her lips. “Marriage to a lawman that won’t even love me? That’s a line I cannot cross, not even for those precious babies.”
There was a new weight on her shoulders he feared he had placed there.
She shrugged. “Maybe Steve didn’t love me enough to play it safe, but he did love me completely while I had him. I deserve that kind of love, and so do your kids.”
Picking up her sweater on the back of the chair, she looked at the pictures on her shelf. “I’m tired. I think I’ll take a nap while Rio and Pilar are asleep. I’ll have them up in your apartment with dinner ready when you get home. As soon as you get in, I’m leaving. I think I’m going to stay with my mom for a little bit. I need some clear boundaries.”
Acid burned his stomach. “Don’t worry about dinner. I can make it. Do what you need to. Will you be here for breakfast in the morning?”
She shook her head. “I’ll be here right before you leave for your shift in the afternoon. I think our morning cups of coffee need to stop.”
He wanted to yell and throw something. Instead of guaranteeing she would always be here for the kids, he’d pushed her away. He had to make her stay, but he didn’t know how.
Maybe he did need to talk to someone. He looked at the Bible she had given him. Pink flags of paper stuck out. She was so different from his mother and Viviana that he didn’t know what to say or do to make it right.
“All right.” He wanted to tell her no, that he needed her as much as the kids did, but she made it clear. A personal relationship would not work between them. Why couldn’t she just let things stay the same? Teeth clenched, he fought the longing to reach out to her. Why did she want love to complicate their relationship?
She glanced at the clock. “It’s time for you to leave if you’re going to get to work on time.”
With a nod, he turned and headed out the door. Making sure the screen door didn’t slam, he eased it closed. He stood on the other side and watched her disappear into her bedroom.
The Bible she gave him was still in his hand. She claimed he would find answers in this leather-bound book. The plan had been to move into the future together, but now it was even more insecure.
He’d thought his proposal would be a win for both of them. Well, for him, anyway. All she would be getting in the trade was a messed-up husband who couldn’t love her and two kids who weren’t hers. She was smart to run, but it didn’t mean he had to like it.
* * *
Anjelica buried her head in her pillow to muffle any sound and sobbed. Her whole body shook.
Without meaning to, Garrett had ripped her heart out.
She was in danger of losing her resolve to stay away from heroes. Telling him she could easily fall in love with him was a lie.
Without a doubt, she already loved him. In so many ways this feeling was deeper than the easy friendly first love she’d had for Steve. They had grown up together. They were friends years before they dated.
Garrett made her feel things in a new way, and that made him even more dangerous. He was so intense.
Raising her head, she pulled the tissues from her nightstand and attempted to clean her cheeks.
Her phone vibrated. Ignoring it, she covered her face with a pillow. If it was Garrett, she might give in and ask him to come back. It had been so tempting to say yes. To be his wife and a mother to two little ones who needed her.
In her core, the truth burned. If she stepped in and took care of everyone, he would never trust himself to be the father she knew he already was. Those babies would never fully know how much he loved them, because he was too afraid to believe it. He didn’t know how strong he really was in his weakness.
But if she did say yes, they would be hers for real and she would be there for them every “good morning” and every story time.
She sat on the edge of her bed and looked out the window, where a giant oak tree had stood for a hundred years. Its wide base twisted and turned as it reached up and out, growing stronger through the storms.
Not able to resist, she gave her phone a sideways glance. “Unknown.” Curious, she picked it up and read the text.
Hi. It’s Dane Valdez. New coach. Alex’s dad. He’s been asking when he can meet up with Rio and play. He says Coco is missing y’all.
The new coach and his son had been at church. He seemed like a nice guy with a nice job. Was Garrett right that Coach Valdez would ask her out if given the opportunity? He fit the bill for what she thought she wanted, but her heart was not in it. She feared it had already found a home.
There had to be a way she could be there for Rio and Pilar without losing herself in the bigger-than-life hero Garrett Kincaid.
All right, the pity party had to be over. With her grandmother’s Bible in hand, she turned to familiar pages and prayed.
Chapter Thirteen
Opening the refrigerator, Garrett tried to decide if he needed milk for cereal or if he’d go for a full plate of eggs and bacon. Anjelica believed the day didn’t start if you didn’t have bacon.
; This would be their first morning without her.
Cereal had less risk involved. Man, he couldn’t even commit to a breakfast. “Rio, do we go with cereal or eggs and bacon?”
He glanced over to the door and found his son staring out the window toward the big house.
“Sorry, little man, but Anjelica won’t be joining us this morning.”
Rio turned and glared at him. Going back to standing watch, he pressed his hands against the window. “She’s gone like Mommy?”
His heart dropped as he stopped what he was doing to go to Rio and take him in his arms, pressing his lips against the messy hair. “No, no. She’s fine. Don’t worry. She’ll be back later this afternoon. Whenever I go to work, she’ll be here for you.” Rio turned his back to him, as if ignoring his words would make his nanny appear.
“Hey, so what is it, cold or hot?”
Rio shook his head.
Garrett went ahead and scrambled some eggs. He almost burned the bacon, but everyone ate without complaint.
Pilar actually smiled and giggled. Rio ate in silence, glancing to the door.
Anger simmered as Garrett replayed their discussion. Anjelica said he didn’t love them, or her, enough. He couldn’t imagine loving them more. That was why he wanted to provide them with security only she could bring to them.
Washing the plates in the sink, he scrubbed a little harder than necessary. Done with that chore, he turned and looked at the kids. His skin felt too tight.
Normally when he got like this, he’d go for a run, but he didn’t have a stroller that carried both kids. He needed something more physical than his music.
Both of the kids were playing in the middle of the living room. Rio stacked blocks and Pilar knocked them over. Their laughter over the simple action tugged at him.
He needed something to knock over. Glancing out the window, the pile of wood from the fallen trees gave him an idea.
“Come on, guys. We’re going outside to split some wood.” He gathered up Pilar and bundled the toys in the blanket. “We need some fresh air.”
With everyone settled a safe distance away, next to the garden, Garrett attacked the wood with the ax. Between each hit, he glanced at his children. One of Anjelica’s bunnies was checking out Rio. Garrett paused to make sure the boy was gentle. A goat came to the edge of the fence and tried to get their attention. The heaviness on his chest lightened.
Each swing carried less anger. God, You brought me to this point. Whack. You put Anjelica in my path. Whack. How do I fix it? Whack.
If he could get Anjelica on his team, everything else would fall into place. If he had a complete family to offer them, the courts wouldn’t take Pilar.
His arms and shoulders burned. Never before had he seen such a clear vision of what he wanted his future to look like. Years ago he had wanted a perfect family.
He’d done everything in his power to make Viviana fit into that image. It hadn’t been real. Then in Afghanistan, he failed to protect...Sayid. There, he’d said the boy’s name.
He was not strong enough. Whack.
This time, he saw Rio jump, moving closer to his sister as she let the goat nibble on her fingers.
He was an idiot. Got a kid who watched his mother be beaten, sure take him outside and swing an ax around. What was he thinking? Another reason he couldn’t be trusted. What if he had?
Garrett leaned the ax against the tree stump and walked over to the kids. Going down to the ground, he rested his arm over his knee. “You okay, little man?”
His son kept his gaze down as he pulled the floppy-eared bunny into his lap. Selena raised her head and looked at Garrett. Reaching across Rio, he scratched her under her chin.
“Are you still worried about Anjelica coming back?” Garrett waited. Rio had gone mute again. He sighed in frustration and raised his hand to push his hair back but stopped midway when the boy flinched.
Slowly, he put his arm down. “Rio, I’m not going to hit you. I told you that and I always keep my promises. Have I lied to you yet?”
He kept his head down, and the curly hair bounced with each shake. “But you’re angry.” Rio’s words were so low Garrett had to strain to make each one out.
A short snort escaped. “You’re one smart kid. I thought I hid it well. But yes, I’m angry. There was something I wanted and I didn’t get it. That’s why I came outside to chop wood.”
Needing to touch Rio, he brushed the wild curls back. Haircut next day off. “We all get angry. It’s a normal emotion. It’s not the anger that’s bad—it’s what we do with that anger that can hurt others or ourselves. If we hold it inside, it’ll burn a hole in our gut, or we’ll explode and hurt those around us.”
Rio petted the rabbit, which appeared to have gone to sleep. His eyes, too old for a five-year-old, made Garrett want to weep. “James yelled and threw things when he got angry.”
His arms longed to pull his son into his lap. He had so many hurts and injustices to fix. “Rio, listen to me.” He waited for the boy to look at him. “I promise to never hit you, and if I start yelling, you can ask me to stop. No matter what you do, no matter how big your mistake or accident is, I will love you. I might get mad and there will be consequences, but everything I do is for you. So you can grow into the best man possible.”
“Will I be like you?”
“You’ll be Rio Kincaid.” He smiled and ruffled the mop of hair. “A better version of me.”
“Pilar’s dad said I was a waste of no-good space and I should crawl into a hole and die. He didn’t like my voice.”
Oh, Viviana, why? No longer able to keep space between them, he pulled Rio against him. “The best day of my life was the day I found out about you. Then I saw you. You were so brave, protecting your sister. I love you, Rio, and I’m so proud you’re my son. You’re a gift from God, and just because James was too...angry about life to see it, does not make it less true. Do you understand?”
Against his heart, he felt the slight nod. He didn’t have the words to explain to his son how important he was to him. “You’re mine, Rio, and I’m yours. God gave us to each other, and we have to be grateful every day for that.” He swallowed emotions so strong they hurt. “It’s okay to get angry. You just have to find good ways to get it out.”
“Like chopping wood?”
He laughed. “Yeah, but you have to be taller than the ax before you swing it. I do have an idea, though.” At that moment Pilar slowly fell to her side. “Oh, look, we bored her to sleep.”
Rio giggled. “She’s too little to get angry. She just sleeps, plays and eats.”
Scooping up his daughter and cradling her in one arm, he took a moment to look at her tiny soft features. There was no way he was giving her up. She was as much his as Rio was. “Let’s put her in the playpen, and I’ll get the things we need to let go of our anger.”
It took them a while, and putting water in balloons was harder than it looked. But he had Rio laughing, so the task was worth the humiliation and soaked clothes.
He tossed a water-filled balloon in the air. “Now, the thing is, you throw the balloon as hard as you can against the garden fence. You can roar like a lion if you want. With each throw, you get rid of an angry thought. Ready?”
He handed his son a balloon. “Don’t hold back. Give it everything you got.”
Rio tossed the red balloon just like Garrett had done. He narrowed his eyes and set his jaw, pulling his arm, and let a loud bellow out that bounced off the hills as he threw the balloon.
The pile of balloons got shorter and the garden fence was dripping with water. Rio’s laughter was the best. The therapist had him drawing out his feelings, but sometimes a boy just needed to be physical.
They both turned at the sound of a vehicle pulling into the drive.
Rio took off running. �
�Anjelica!”
Garrett stayed close. It was too early to be Anjelica, but maybe she had changed her mind. As they rounded the corner, Rio stopped midstride. In order not to run over him, Garrett braced the little shoulder and jumped to the side.
An unfamiliar gray Civic pulled up to the house.
Rio slid behind him and grabbed his leg. “Is she here to take me?
A tall willowy woman stepped out and pushed her long red hair over her shoulder. Her name cut into his throat. Gloria, his mother, had shown up. Even at the age of fifty, she had the lost-princess look down pat.
She gave him a nervous wave, her pink lips forming a stiff smile.
“It’s okay, Rio. The lady is my mother.” He took Rio’s hand and met Gloria Kincaid halfway across the yard.
Her hands interlocked in front of her. “Garrett. Surprise.” She opened her palms before crossing them over her middle again. Her green-gray eyes, the same he saw in the mirror and in the sadness of his son’s gaze, glanced down at Rio. His son was hiding behind him again.
With tears threating to spill over her lashes, she glanced between them. Rio stared at her with open wonder.
The minute he saw the picture of Rio, he’d recognized the eye color all three of them shared. It had been a bit eerie. What startled him now was what else his son and mother shared. In their eyes there was the same “I’ve seen too much, felt too much, loved too much” depth.
“She’s your mom?” his son whispered.
Garrett picked him up and held him on his hip. “Hi, Mom. Yes, this is your grandmother.”
Gloria covered her mouth and gave a sound that might have been a laugh or a gasp. Wiping her eyes, she gave Rio a smile. “You look so much like your dad when he was a little boy. You’re so beautiful. Can I hug you?” She took a step forward.
Rio burrowed deeper against his chest, turning his face away from her.
“That’s okay. You don’t have to hug me. I can’t believe I have a grandson. How about you call me GiGi. That sounds fun, doesn’t it?”
“Mom, you have a granddaughter, too. I’m going to court to adopt his sister.” He put his hand over Rio’s ear and waited for her to say something. When she nodded and smiled, relief loosened his shoulders. “Why don’t we go around back? She’s asleep in her playpen. Don’t want her to wake up alone.”
The Soldier's Surprise Family Page 15
