Least Said

by Pamela Fudge

  Sheer weight of traffic meant it was early evening when we arrived and we could persuade William to take little more than a sip of his favourite tomato soup – made especially for him by his Auntie Tina – before he was tucked up in bed and sound asleep once more.

  ‘He slept all the way here,’ I commented with a frown, ‘I hope he’s not sickening or something.’

  I wished I hadn’t voiced my concerns out loud when the four of us stared at each other.

  ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ said a voice from the doorway, ‘but I’ve just been up and peeped in on Will – and hasn’t he grown? – and he’s peacefully asleep, no temperature, no restless tossing and turning that would indicate a problem. You can all stop worrying.’

  I jumped up and rushed across to throw my arms around Leanne, grateful for the reassurance and understanding of Tina and Calum’s beautiful daughter who would know, having suffered from viral meningitis as a teenager, that we would all still be terrified of history repeating itself with William contracting the disease, even after all this time.

  ‘Look at you,’ I beamed up at her, and then stood back to take in the complete picture, ‘every inch the business woman.’

  She wore a sleek, silver grey skirt suit over a crisp white blouse and the sort of towering stilettos that would render me unable to take a step. The laptop bag that was slung over one shoulder was quickly discarded, as was the briefcase she carried.

  Unfettered, she returned the hug and grinning down at me, she teased, ‘You don’t get any taller, do you, Auntie Wendy.’

  ‘Just as well that William gets his height from me,’ Jon laughed easily, but I slid an uneasy glance in Tina’s direction and, to her credit, her own smile didn’t even slip.

  ‘I get everything from my Dad, too,’ Leanne grinned at Calum. He smiled back so proudly that I felt like bursting into tears and couldn’t stop myself from wishing futilely that William could have Jon’s blue eyes, fair hair and medium height – or anything really that could convince me, once and for all, that he was Jon’s son.

  Chapter 6

  ‘You were a bit quiet over dinner,’ Jon remarked as we got ready for bed, ‘and you couldn’t seem to take your eyes off Leanne.’

  That was easily explained away, and I said simply and with great truth, ‘Well, she’s turned into quite a stunner, hasn’t she?’

  He nodded, and went on, ‘Certainly a chip of the old block. She’s the image of Calum – but in a feminine way of course.’

  I tensed at the observation I thought only I had made, and it was all I could do not to ask if it bothered Jon that William wasn’t the image of him. Leave it, I ordered myself, just leave it.

  ‘I reckon you were looking at her and thinking that having a daughter of our own would be nice,’ Jon added with a sly look in my direction.

  ‘I’m perfectly happy with William, aren’t you?’ my tone came out a lot sharper than I had intended but, luckily, Jon didn’t appear to notice.

  ‘Oh, so am I,’ he nodded hastily, ‘more than happy, but another baby in the family would be great, wouldn’t it? And it could happen yet. It took us a while to conceive Will, but we’re still young enough to be parents again.’

  I forced myself to stop freaking out about the very idea of us even considering another child and instead looked seriously at what I considered even a remote chance of that happening. Yes, we were still young enough to be parents again. Jon was right. We were only in our early forties, no age at all really. Lots of people were having children later in life on purpose. You read about celebrities doing it every day and surely not all of their husbands had a high sperm count.

  I went into the en-suite and, while I was cleaning my teeth I became more and more convinced that Jon was right. I realised, too, that if it happened it would be the answer to everything and would prove that all of my worst fears were unfounded. If I did become pregnant again I could stop fretting over Will’s parentage and happily assume that regular sex with Jon - despite the low sperm count - was far more likely to have resulted in the pregnancy than a one-night stand. The doctors had assured us it was completely possible, yet I’d been so busy over the years refusing to believe that might be true that I hadn’t been focussing on the alternative of proving the doctors right.

  Stripping off my nightdress I dropped the garment on the bathroom floor and strolling back in the bedroom naked, I invited, ‘Come on then, big boy, there’s no time like the present. Let’s see if you’re all talk and no action. Get over here and show me what you’re made of.’

  Jon threw me a startled look over his shoulder, but hardly hesitated before stepping out of his boxer shorts and pouncing on me with a triumphant shout and a lot of enthusiasm.

  ‘Shh,’ I giggled, opening myself to him, already hot and eager for him to own me.

  We weren’t normally like this in the bedroom. Not at all the fast and furious kind - tender and loving being our usual style of lovemaking, but this was urgent and exciting. It was all over very quickly, but totally satisfying for all of that.

  I couldn’t quite believe it myself when I woke in the night, so eager for a repeat performance that I woke Jon by whispering in his ear all the things I would like to do to him, and with him. I think I shocked him with some of my suggestions, but there was no doubt that he found the new lustful me a huge turn-on, and when I joined him in the shower in the morning he soaped my body all over before making love to me slowly and sensuously as the water poured over us. It seemed to me as if there was a new glow about me as I faced myself in the mirror to put the finishing touches to my hair and make-up.

  Obviously, Jon agreed because he dragged me back into his arms as I reached to open the door. ’God,’ he whispered huskily. ‘I’m finding you exciting, you saucy minx. If we were alone in a hotel I would have you back in bed and a do not disturb sign on the door handle in a flash.’

  ‘Promises, promises,’ I said over my shoulder and was laughing as I went downstairs.

  Will launched himself at me the minute I set foot in the kitchen, saying, ‘You were a long time having a bath.’

  ‘Actually, I told him Mummy and Daddy were having a lie-in and weren’t to be disturbed,’ Calum looked up from the stove and offered, ‘some of everything for you both?’

  Something in his voice told me he had guessed we’d been working up an appetite and I blushed rosily.

  Jon had no such qualms and sauntering over, said, ‘What have you got there? Egg, bacon, sausage, hash browns, mushrooms and tomatoes, that all looks great to me, thanks, Calum, and Wendy will have the same.’

  ‘I’ve had my very favourite cereal,’ Will told us in a pleased tone, ‘and there was a smiley face on my toast.’

  ‘I can see we’ll have a lot to live up to when we get home,’ I said, hoping I didn’t look too eager as I waited for my breakfast to be placed in front of me, ‘and I hope you’re taking notes from Calum, Jon, because it’s not only William who will be expecting better service at meal times.’

  ‘Anything for you, my sweet,’ Jon leered at me behind Calum’s back, and I almost spat out a mouthful of freshly squeezed orange.

  ‘Are Tina and Leanne not having breakfast?’ I asked, looking at the door expectantly.

  ‘Leanne’s already left for the office. Her choice,’ he added when he saw my surprised look. ‘I normally take the weekend off these days, and she’s free to do the same.’ He smiled, ‘I used to be just as enthusiastic when I was her age. She’s turning out to be a great little agent and her authors love her. Tina is just checking her answer-phone, she’ll be here in a minute.’

  We were already tucking in when she arrived and joined us at the table. In seconds Calum placed her personal preference of lightly scrambled eggs on hot buttered toast in front of her with a flourish. I almost melted, myself, at the loving look that passed between them.

  You see, I reminded myself, chewing thoughtfully on a morsel of bacon, love can survive deceit – but I carefully overlooked the fact
that there were no longer any secrets between Tina and Calum and that the original lack of honesty on Tina’s part had almost killed any chance of them ever being together.

  It was strange to leave the house without William because my little boy was always with me if he wasn’t at school. I even said as much to Tina.

  ‘I don’t know what to do with this spare hand,’ I waved it around as if to emphasise my point, ‘and I keep looking round all the time for the child that I’m missing.’

  ‘You’re not fretting, are you? Worrying they might lose him?’

  Honestly, I thought, sometimes it was easy to believe that Tina knew me better than I knew myself. ‘Well, Hamley’s is a huge shop, full of distractions, and they might not remember to keep hold of him in the crowds. He is inclined to wander off.’

  ‘Do you want to ring Jon and remind him?’ Tina’s patience was amazing. ‘I’m sure he won’t mind.’

  ‘And I’m sure he will,’ I smiled as I continued, ‘and who could blame him when I would be practically accusing him of not being able to take proper care of his own son.’

  “His own son... his own son... his own son.”

  Was it only me who could hear the echo of those words reverberating around us? It seemed so, because Tina only laughed as she paused in a shop doorway, and asked, ‘Are you coming in or not?’

  By the time she had finished with me, I felt as if I had been pulled inside out and back to front. I’d been in and out of dresses - long and short - suits - skirt and trouser - and every other combination of women’s wearing apparel. Hats were added and fascinators, shoes, and sandals – from flat to killer heels - and handbags of various sizes were thrust at me or hung from me.

  I collapsed in Costa Coffee with a massive sigh of sheer relief and cast a worried glance at the huge pile of bags that had been thrust under the table out of the way.

  ‘What on earth have we bought?’ I asked as soon as Tina arrived back at the table carrying a tray holding two medium lattes and offering the advice that the Paninis would be brought over when they were ready.

  ‘Erm,’ Tina looked confused, ‘just the lattes and the Paninis. Ham and cheese. That was what you wanted wasn’t it?’

  ‘No, yes, that was what I wanted, but I meant in the bags,’ I indicated the stiff cardboard carriers emblazoned with the names of some very exclusive shops. I knew they were exclusive because you didn’t see their like in Poole or Bournemouth – and definitely not in Brankstone. ‘There seems to be rather a lot of them,’ I murmured and I knew I sounded as troubled as I felt.

  ‘Not having second thoughts are you?’ Tina asked, taking a sip of her latte while she waited for my reply. She continued when I remained silent, ‘You looked amazing in everything we bought. Didn’t you think so?’

  If I was being truthful, I couldn’t remember much about anything we might have bought. It had all happened too fast for me to recall any of the outfits very clearly, let alone what I looked like wearing them.

  ‘Did I?’

  Tina shook her head at me and insisted, ‘Of course you did. You’re going to look fabulous at the wedding. Oh,’ she peered at me over her glass coffee mug, ‘you think we were a little too extravagant, is that it?’

  I nodded, and wrapped my hands more tightly around my drink, trying to warm hands that were suddenly as cold as the rest of me as I took a reality check. Just exactly how much had we spent? A horrible vision abruptly came to me of the credit card being passed back and forth, willy-nilly and with a frequency that was suddenly frightening to recall.

  ‘Jon said,’ Tina’s was the voice of authority as she parroted his words back to me, ‘“Wendy is to have whatever she wants, Tina, no expense spared.” That’s what he said and I was simply making sure his orders were carried out. He’ll be fine,’ she said airily.

  I was sure he would be, but we had been discussing taking a proper holiday, and also recently had been busy trying to create a second child. How would we afford either if I’d spent all of our nest egg filling my wardrobe with designer clothes?

  Just then the Paninis arrived and, at the same time, I recalled the receipts carefully stored away in my purse and reminded myself that I could simply take everything back. A quick day return trip on the train would see the money back in the bank and Tina none the wiser.

  It was as if she’d read my mind again and I almost choked on a mouthful of piping hot Panini when she said sternly, ‘Don’t even think about taking anything back. Not a single thing – do you hear me? Jon isn’t the only one who works hard, Wendy, you do too, and you hardly ever treat yourself.’

  Tina glared at me and I couldn’t even look her in the eye.

  ‘When we get home,’ she ordered, ‘I want to see you try everything on – and I do mean everything – and let Jon see what you’ve bought. Let’s see what he has to say. OK?’

  Tina made sure that I did exactly that and I felt like such an idiot trailing back and forth in my newly acquired finery, which meant that not just Jon, but Calum, too, could voice an opinion on every garment and insist in unison that there wasn’t a single one that didn’t suit me. This dress brought out the colour of my eyes, those trousers gave me a bottom that even Beyoncé would envy, and those shoes made my legs seem endless. The compliments got more and more outrageous but, though I was laughing along with everyone else, every time I even stabbed a guess at how much I might have spent in total I felt sick to my stomach.

  Even William staring at me, clearly awestruck by the glamorously garbed mummy, and piping up, ‘You look just like a princess,’ didn’t totally dispel the unease I felt at my extravagance.

  ‘Come on, now,’ Jon coaxed, as we made our way upstairs to get ready for our evening out. ‘What’s bothering you, because something is, isn’t it?’

  ‘Everything was very expensive, Jon,’ I said, knowing guilt was written clearly across my face. ‘I never go in those kinds of shops, had never even heard of most of them. You couldn’t find a price tag for love nor money, so I have no idea how much I’ve spent – except that it will have been way too much.’

  Jon closed the bedroom door behind us and pulling me to him, he held me close and rested his chin on the top of my head. His laughter rumbled against my ear and I could hear it in his voice as he said, ‘If you bothered to keep an eye on our finances, my lovely, and didn’t just leave it all to me, you would know that a few clothes and pairs of shoes aren’t going to break the bank – however expensive they are.’

  ‘But there’s the holiday, and we’re trying for another baby...’

  ‘Mmmm, so we are,’ his arms tightened and he grinned wolfishly as he wondered out loud, ‘I wonder if we have time to be work on that before the taxi gets here.’

  ‘Be serious,’ I pushed him away, ‘we won’t be able to afford either if I waste all our money on – on fripperies.’

  Jon roared with laughter. ‘You talk as if we’re practically penniless – or will be if you buy a designer label or two. Will you trust me when I tell you, once again, that between us, we earn far more than we ever spend? We’re never extravagant, rarely treat ourselves, when was the last time we had a good night out – a decent meal is a rarity. Even Will’s tastes are simple. In a shop the size of Hamley’s - and with Calum and I tripping over each other to spend money on him – do you know what he chose?’

  I shook my head, but I had a premonition, a horrible feeling that I wasn’t going to like what I was going to hear.

  ‘A rugby ball,’ Jon chortled, ‘a rugby ball that cost just a few quid. He couldn’t be talked out of it and he insisted there was nothing else he wanted. A rugby ball, I ask you, what on earth would make him choose something like that?’

  Chapter 7

  ‘He’s a boy,’ Tina told me flatly, when I managed a few words with her under the guise of leaving instructions for William’s care while Jon and I were out. ‘Boys like rugby, they like football, and sometimes both. We’ve discussed this before and, personally, I would be far more worrie
d if he’d chosen a toy gun or a knife, given the times we live in.’

  ‘But...,’ I began.

  Tina cut in before I could say more. ‘You might not like me for saying this yet again, Wendy, but there’s no one else who can. You’re letting this obsession with a long ago and meaningless one night stand take over your life,’ she continued, and her tone was quite sharp. ‘You imagine you see a man who is a virtual stranger and who – there is the slimmest chance - might be Will’s biological father, and you’re allowing the fixation you have with him to take over your life.

  ‘If you go on like this, Wendy, I feel I have to remind you that you’re in grave danger of opening up Pandora’s box and ruining a few lives in the process – not least, that of a little boy and the father who absolutely dotes on him. For God’s sake, Wendy, for once and for all, let it go.’

  I knew she was right and that I must get a grip on an imagination that had always tended to run away with me, especially where Will’s conception was concerned. I did my best, pushing my fears and concerns deep down inside of me in order to enjoy a rare night out with a husband who meant the world to me – in fact, together with our son he was my whole world. The answer, I was becoming more and more convinced, lay in me becoming pregnant again, because that alone would allay my fears regarding Will’s paternity.

  Having another child hadn’t been high on my list of priorities which was why I hadn’t really contemplated the idea seriously before, believing that if it happened that was fine, and if it didn’t that was also fine. I had always been more than grateful for the one child we had – but now my priorities had changed because there were other things to consider.

  Not only would a new baby prove, once and for all, that Jon was capable of fathering a child, but would also complete our family, give Will the brother or sister he was always asking for, and me the peace of mind that was becoming increasingly elusive since that chance face to face meeting with the guilty secret from my past. Tina might poo-poo it, but there was no doubt in my mind that the man I’d bumped into in the store that day had been no other than the one person in the world that I had hoped never to set eyes on ever again.