by Pamela Fudge
I managed a light laugh, and told yet another lie. ‘I was just a bit cross with him because he’s insisted on going out in the rain to post a letter, when it really could have waited until tomorrow. I’m sorry if you were worried, sweetheart. Everything is just fine.’
‘Silly Daddy,’ Will tittered.
‘I know,’ I agreed, ‘that’s just what I said.’
I sat on the side of his bed and smoothed my little boy’s dark hair, whispering that all was well and Daddy would be back before we knew it – and that I wasn’t really cross. I must have sounded convincing because in no time he was sound asleep.
I stood up and stayed there, looking down at William for the longest time, the innocent child whose life I might just have ruined. But then, I reminded myself, I had placed myself and my family on the road to ruin long ago, on the night I slept with someone who wasn’t my husband and started a relentless chain of events that had ultimately led to this moment. I should never have forgotten that the truth will always out and not tried so bloody hard to convince myself that least said really was soonest mended.
I waited and waited for Jon to come home. I turned all the lights out and sat in the dark for hours, thinking that if – when – he returned, he would be far more likely to come inside if he thought I had gone to bed. He was probably wishing that he never had to set eyes on me ever again – and I didn’t have it in my heart to blame him, not one bit.
I couldn’t even imagine what might happen next because I really couldn’t bring myself to believe he would ever find it in himself to forgive me for what I had done. He had discovered in the cruellest way that his precious, dearly loved son wasn’t his flesh and blood – I didn’t know if he would ever get over something like that – I didn’t know if anyone could.
I stared out of the window, eyes straining through the darkness outside in the hope that I would see Jon coming home. The rain was lashing down now, the trees in the garden were bending under the force of the wind, and he was out there very probably soaked to the skin, undoubtedly confused by the sudden discovery that everything he had held dear was no more than a sham, and so completely devastated by the unacceptable truth that had been thrust upon him, that he wouldn’t even be thinking clearly.
Where would he have gone? He hadn’t the means to book a room anywhere. I knew that with complete certainty because his wallet was still on the hall table with his credit cards and money intact, and the only friends he had were my friends, too.
Our best friends in the world were Tina and Calum, so finding out that Tina knew about Will all along would have been like a knife in the heart to him. I knew that Jon would never get in contact with them now, not even if he were desperate and destitute.
I paced the house until I was exhausted and in the end I went to bed, determined not to fall asleep, and woke to a slither of sun peeping from between the curtains and Jon in bed beside me.
The relief was so great that it was all I could do not to fling my arms around him – a show of affection that I instinctively knew would not be welcome at all. In fact, I would be lucky not to find myself cast across to the other side of the room. Instead, I left him sleeping, showered in the bathroom down the hall instead of the en-suite, and crept downstairs to set the day in motion. Wondering and worrying what lay ahead.
The main thing, I assured myself as I set out the breakfast things, was that Jon had come home. That was a good sign surely?
I’d started slicing tomatoes, scrambling eggs and grilling bacon as soon as I heard movement from upstairs and looked up with a tentative smile when Jon appeared with a laughing Will on his shoulders, before placing the plate on the table in front of Jon. I realised it looked like some kind of ridiculous peace offering but I felt I had to start somewhere.
‘I’m not hungry,’ he said, immediately pushing it away.
William looked at him in astonishment. ‘But it’s your favourite, Daddy,’ he pointed out.
‘I know, son,’ I heard his voice catch on the word, and grief for what I had done to them both gripped me. ‘I’m just not hungry today. Perhaps I have a touch of Mummy’s tummy bug.’
Will looked at me then, and a supreme effort kept my smile firmly in place which seemed to do the trick.
‘Oh, ok. Can I have your bacon then?’
Jon managed a hoarse laugh, and ruffling Will’s hair, he pushed the plate over and told him, ‘Eat as much as you like, mate,’ and then to me, he said, ‘I’ll take him to school this morning.’
I nodded, and asked, ‘Will you be coming back here after?’
‘For what reason exactly?’ His voice was so cold.
‘So that we can talk.’ I heard the note of pleading in my voice, and almost begged, ‘We do have to talk, Jon.’
‘You might have to talk,’ he said flatly. ‘I expect there’s quite a lot you feel you have to say, but I’m not ready to hear it, Wendy. Not today, not tomorrow, and maybe not ever.’ He stood up. ‘Are you ready yet, Will, because we really ought to get going.’
Jon never left the house without kissing me goodbye in the morning, but he didn’t even look at me as he helped William collect his lunchbox, gym bag and coat, before leaving without a backward glance.
I wanted to weep, to collapse on the floor and wail with the anguish of it all, but I knew whatever pain was tormenting me would be nothing to the agony Jon must be going through.
He must have walked the streets until dawn, because I hadn’t fallen asleep until the early hours and the black smudges drawn beneath his eyes were proof, if I needed it, of a long and sleepless night. Already, suffering had carved new and deep grooves from his nose to the grim set of his mouth, and I couldn’t fail to see that his eyes were bottomless pools full of misery when he could bring himself to glance my way. And I was the cause of it – the cause of everything that he was going through. I knew he would never forgive me – how could he when I couldn’t forgive myself?
Like an automaton, I cleared away the breakfast things, had a perfunctory clean and tidy around the house, and then went to work on a particularly intricate wedding cake. The only way I knew to deal with something too big for me to handle was to do something else that needed all of my concentration.
When the phone rang mid-morning I knew immediately who it would be and I was right.
‘Wendy?’
‘Hi, Tina,’ I said, and could already feel helpless tears stinging my eyes just at the sound of her voice.
‘I haven’t dared to ring before now,’ she said, ‘and I’ve hardly slept. Please tell me Jon didn’t hear what you said.’
‘Jon heard what I said. He heard every word.’
‘Oh, God, Wendy.’ She was every bit as aghast as I expected her to be. ‘What happened?’
‘He walked straight out of the house into the pouring rain, with no coat or anything.’
‘Oh, God,’ Tina said again.
‘I waited and waited for him to come home and in the end I went upstairs, sat up in bed and waited some more, and at some point I fell asleep. This morning he was lying next to me.’
‘He came back then,’ Tina’s voice was full of relief and hope. ‘That’s good, isn’t it?’
‘He wouldn’t eat anything this morning, he won’t talk about what he heard or let me try to explain - and it’s painfully obvious that he can’t even bear to look at me. Oh, Tina, he looks haunted and I can tell he’s only making any effort at all for William.’
‘Does he know who the man involved is?’
‘No,’ my voice was sharp, ‘and I don’t think it would help anything at all – him knowing.’
‘But if you’re right about the guy recognising you and guessing about Will being the consequence of your affair – and I’m not saying that you are, mind – he could turn up on your doorstep at any time and then the cat and all of its kittens will be well and truly out of the bag.’
‘So what are you saying?’
‘I’m suggesting that you should confront him, and that you sh
ould do it sometime soon,’ she said firmly, ‘because until you do you have no idea what the guy’s planning – if anything.’
It was what I had already decided to do some time ago; had, in fact, been trying unsuccessfully to discover his whereabouts before he turned up practically on my doorstep, and this was what I told Tina. At least it was something I could be doing, rather than just fretting and worrying, while I waited for Jon to consider what his next move might be.
‘Do you want me to come down?’ Tina offered. ‘We could meet the guy together – there is safety in numbers, after all – or I could at least try and speak to Jon and take the blame for your decision not to tell him. I hold my hands up to trying to influence you when I should have stayed right out of it and I’m more than willing to admit to that.’
‘No, and no,’ I said resolutely, ‘there is no one else to blame for the mess I’m in but me. I had the affair and it was with my eyes wide open, I made the decision not to tell Jon the truth when I realised I was pregnant, and now I must face the consequences.’
‘So, what will you do?’ she asked anxiously.
‘Confront him, ask him what he means to do – at least I know where he is now.’ I spoke firmly, and was pleased there was no tremor in my voice. I definitely sounded far more confident than I felt.
I worked until just after lunch and then leaving everything in my work-room exactly where it was, I gave my appearance a cursory glance in the hall mirror, decided I would do, and set off. I walked because I was shaking so much that I didn’t trust myself with the car, and my nerves hadn’t settled at all by the time the school came into view.
It wasn’t until I got to the gate – the locked gate – that I realised I hadn’t thought this through very carefully. Gone were the days when you could walk into any school without a prior arrangement being made, the tragedy at Dunblane had seen to that, and that, of course, was exactly as it should be. I stood there, at a complete loss as to what my next step was going to be.
Then I saw him, off to the side of the playground, working with a group of young children. He couldn’t be mistaken, this man called Gareth, because he was so easily recognisable from his great height and athlete’s build and, in a rush of grim determination, I made my way towards him. Only the sturdy railings stood between us.
He suddenly caught sight of me and, after saying something to the children, he made his way in my direction. At the same time, and to my complete and utter horror, a small figure detached himself from the group, and came barrelling towards me, too.
‘Mummy,’ Will yelled joyfully and then was stopped in his tracks by a deep voice ordering, ‘Stop right there, young man.’
I’d never seen William show such instant obedience, as he practically screeched to a halt. I could see he was torn, looking from me to his school master in utter confusion.
‘You are in school, William, and in the middle of a lesson. Now, go and join your class-mates while I deal with this.’
All of the children, including Will, stood in a silent huddle and watched as the stern figure marched across the playground towards me. He looked so grim that my nerves almost failed me and I had to force myself not to mouth some kind of excuse and rush off.
It had all gone wrong in ways I hadn’t been expecting. The gate being locked shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but it had, and finding William in the middle of a lesson with the very man I was seeking had been a complication I hadn’t anticipated, and could well have done without.
‘Mrs Hammond, I presume,’ Gareth Montgomery greeted me. ‘To what do I owe this pleasure?’
He had walked right up to the bars of the fence and stood looking me straight in the face without so much as a hint of recognition evident in his disapproving expression.
I confess to finding myself at a sudden and total loss, because this wasn’t a scenario I had imagined even in my wildest dreams. I had been expecting at least some sign that he remembered me, but it was suddenly quite clear that he didn’t know me at all.
When I didn’t speak at once, he said with an impatience he made no effort to hide, ‘I take it you were looking for me, but whether you were or not I should point out that it is actually normal to make an appointment with the person you wish to speak to, and not just turn up in the middle of school hours and hover round the parameter fence.’
I shouldn’t have let his pompous tone get to me, and I knew it even as hasty words rushed to leave my lips. They were words that actually required a great deal more thought before they were uttered, but I was caught wrong-footed because I was fast beginning to realise that his recent interest in me had indeed been nothing more than a figment of my imagination. It was quite obvious to me that the guy didn’t know me from a hole in the ground.
My life was falling apart because I had totally misread the signs that had been scattered around me and I had panicked. I couldn’t quite believe that I had been foolish enough to think that he would remember me from that one night of lust, when it was quite clear that I was nothing more than a total stranger to him. The truth of it was clear from the blank expression on his face.
However, I was here now and would say what I had come to say. I squared my shoulders and stood my ground, refusing to accept that the blame was all mine. The bloody man stood there looking down his nose at me, when it was his behaviour – as well as mine – that had brought me to this point.
‘You really don’t remember me at all, do you?’ I demanded coldly, keeping my tone low to ensure my words weren’t overheard by the silent children.
He didn’t hesitate. ‘Remember you? No, I don’t believe we’ve ever met before.’
Did I imagine the slight hesitation in his voice, the hint of doubt in that green gaze? I didn’t help him out, just matched him stare for stare.
In the end he was forced to ask, ‘Should I remember you?’
‘Probably not,’ I allowed, ‘since ours was probably one of many little interludes that have made up your life, but this one may have had consequences that you hadn’t bargained for.’
His face actually blanched under the tan, in fact he turned quite a sickly yellow, and he looked about him furtively as if he was worried that we might be overheard.
‘I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.’ he said, but it was said without any real conviction.
‘Really?’ I just stared at him – I didn’t even blink.
He looked at me for a minute, but then he looked away. He clearly couldn’t hold my gaze, and then he looked at the children. ‘I have to go,’ he said, ‘but come back here at ten tomorrow. I’ll be on my break then and will listen to what you have to say.’
‘Fine,’ I said, ‘tell William I’ll see him after school,’ and with that I spun on my heel and walked away, resisting the urge to peep over my shoulder to see if he was still standing there, staring after me.
Right or wrong, the dye was cast. I felt I had no other choice but to drag the bloody man all the way into the mess we had created between us. Having him and his family living right on the doorstep made it far too likely that our dirty little secret would be exposed and tear another family apart.
Living by the proverb that least said was soonest mended – as I had managed to do until quite recently – clearly wasn’t going to be relevant for my situation any longer.
Chapter 16
Of course, Will was full of the fact that I’d turned up at the school gates long before it was time for him to go home, so there was absolutely no chance at all of keeping it from Jon.
‘Mr Montgomery didn’t look very pleased, but Mummy said he didn’t tell her off,’ he told Jon glibly.
Jon was so taken by surprise that I’d turned up at the school out of the blue that he was actually forced to look at me.
‘I was working and totally lost track of the time,’ I said, equally glibly, managing a nonchalant shrug for authenticity. ‘I thought it was an hour later than it was, and rushed off in a panic without checking the clock properly. Mr M
ontgomery said he completely understood when I explained.’
‘Who is Mr Montgomery?’ Jon turned his attention back to Will with a speed that was hurtful in spite of everything. ‘I haven’t heard his name before, have I? Is he new at the school?’
‘Yes,’ Will confirmed importantly. ‘He started when we all went back after the summer holidays. He’s tall – like a real giant – and he teaches us sport and PE. He says I’m a natural sportsman.’ He paused and frowned, before asking, ‘What does that mean exactly, Daddy?’
‘It means,’ Jon said, ruffling Will’s dark hair, ‘that you are very good at sports and games, so – if you’ve finished eating your tea – what say we go for a quick kick-about in the park before it gets too dark?’
‘Yeah,’ Will was down from the table in an instant, encouraging, ‘come on, Mum.’
‘Oh, not today Will.’
When he looked at me in astonishment – as well he might, because he and his Dad never went to the park without me – I realised I had to come up with some sort of fitting explanation, but Jon got there first because clearly he didn’t want my company even if Will did.
‘Mummy has a very urgent order that needs to be completed ASAP, don’t you, Mummy?’ he said, with emphasis and a sharp look that dared me to even think of contradicting him.
‘I do,’ I agreed, and then, with a bit more enthusiasm, I encouraged, ‘You’d better get a move on or it will be too dark to see the ball.’
I felt the rejection keenly as I put the dishes in the dishwasher and made a desultory effort to tidy the kitchen. By the time I’d finished weak tears were trickling down my face and dripping from my chin. Jon was doing his best to keep some sort of normality in Will’s life - that much was easy to see - and I knew I had to applaud him for it. Given the appalling information he had stumbled across only the day before, I knew I couldn’t – and shouldn’t – be expecting more from him.
I went into my work room and churned out rich fruit cakes as if my life depended on it. I thought that my sanity probably did depend on me keeping busy. William came in to say goodnight after he’d returned, been bathed and was ready for bed. I kept working until the house was dark and silent then crept upstairs to lie on the edge of the bed until sleep finally came.
