by KB Winters
Singh, true to his nature, sat there as calm as could be. His breathing was even and his dark eyes were kind and sympathetic. “We can talk about that, but I’d like to talk about why you said those things to her.”
“Shit, Doc, really?” I raked a hand through my hair and then scrubbed it over my face, letting out a long harsh sigh. “If you ask my brother he’d say I was jealous. Jana probably thinks I’m an asshole. Both of them are probably right.”
“The fact that you’re admitting to having any feelings is progress, Max. When you first came to me all you would say was that you were ‘fine’. Everything was ‘fine’ and you were only here to appease your friend Brandt. This is good.”
Shit, listening to Singh I realized just how much I’d buried my head in the sand. “Shit. What you’re saying is that it’s my fault I’m still having these nightmares.” It wasn’t a question because I knew the answer, I could see it clearly now. I came here every week, talked about shit, but never tried to fix anything.
“No. I’m saying that war is the reason you’re still having nightmares. You are the reason they haven’t lessened in intensity.” His words were said in a kind, almost bland way, but that didn’t take the sting out of the sentiment. “Are you willing to try another form of therapy or maybe medicine?”
“Not meds,” I barked out. “I don’t want to be a fucking zombie, Doc. I need to be myself, to be able to function. Anything but drugs.”
“Anything?”
The challenge in his question had me on edge but I nodded anyway. “Yeah, anything.” With a wide smile, Dr. Singh told me about several alternative treatments, explaining the benefits and drawbacks of each one. There was so much fucking information my head began to swim. “Now you’re making me wish I chose the drugs.”
He laughed and shook his head. “If you’re that against the drugs, we’ll stay away from them. There are plenty of other options to explore first.” He scribbled out some shit on a pad of paper and handed it to me. “Call this number and set up an appointment.”
I gave the paper a skeptical look but nodded. “Sure. Thanks.”
“Max, the important thing is that you’re dedicated to lessening the effects of your PTSD.”
I heard what he said and nodded again. “Got it. Thanks.” After shaking his hand, I hopped on my bike and drove away from the short brick building. Home was my destination but I took the route in the opposite direction just to check on Jana, but her car was parked in the same spot it had been for the past week so I drove by and made my way home.
Leaving her alone was probably the best thing I could do for her, but I couldn’t do that. Jana had crawled under my skin, she’d gotten to me in a way no one ever had. Hell, in a way I didn’t think anyone even could. I knew I had to make this right, but I had no fucking clue how. And worse, I had no clue where to even begin looking for an answer.
Inside the house I found Tate lying on the sofa and staring up at the ceiling. “Find any answers up there? Because I could use a few myself.”
His mouth curved up but he didn’t move otherwise. “Bad day with the head shrink?”
“The opposite, actually. The problem is I need more than an apology to get Jana fucking talking to me again.” I dropped down on the chair and crossed my legs on the old coffee table, wishing I’d stopped by the kitchen for a beer first. “She was right about a lot of the shit she said and I’m working on it, but…,” shit I didn’t even know how to finish that sentence. Pathetic.
“But working on it isn’t good enough when you consider all the shit you threw at her?” His lips twitched with amusement.
“Yeah, basically. You don’t have to enjoy this so much, you know.”
He sat up and shrugged. “I don’t have to, but it’s a nice change of pace, seeing you out of sorts. Growing up you were always so damn unflappable, cool under pressure. And now a tiny wisp of a thing is twisting you in knots.” His smile changed from amused to wistful. “It’s not such a bad thing.”
“Having it and losing it though, fucking sucks.” And I just couldn’t fucking live with the idea of not seeing Jana again, not holding her or kissing her. Never hearing that sexy, husky laugh that always sent a shot of lust straight through me. “Got any advice? Useful advice,” I added when he opened his mouth, closed it and smiled.
“Yeah, go big.”
“What the hell does that mean? An engagement ring? An expensive trip?” I didn’t make an effort with women, especially outside the bedroom. They were guaranteed a good time, at least one incredible orgasm before I got mine and that was it. “Why isn’t an apology enough?”
“Because you said terrible shit to her. Do you think I should take the state of Nevada’s apology and forego making them pay for stealing six fucking years from me?”
“You know I don’t. Those fuckers messed up and they have all the power, I hope you get their fucking pensions!”
“And Jana deserves less?” He must’ve seen something pathetic in my eyes because his anger deflated. “You need a big ass gesture to prove to Jana that you’re not just sorry but willing to go to extremes to make sure you know how bad you fucked up.”
That made a twisted kind of sense. “So, make a fool of myself?”
Tate laughed and raked a hand through his hair. “That always helps, but somehow I don’t think that’s what Jana would want you to do. Find something that matters and show her how you feel about her. If you know, that is.”
I frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Tate stood and shrugged, disappearing into the kitchen and returning with two bottles of beer. “It means if you don’t love her, you probably shouldn’t bother.”
Shit. “Why is it always about love?” I liked Jana, a lot. I had other feelings that were more than like but they didn’t seem big enough to be love. How the fuck should I know what love is? Other than familial love, for my family and my brothers in arms, I had no idea.
“Because, big brother, love makes the world go round. Or so they say. Personally though, you love her and you don’t want to be without her, so why deny it?”
Why the fuck, indeed. Love was a big word, a really big one. It was important, all-consuming. Life-changing. “I need to think about this shit. Thanks,” I told him and took my beer to my room so I could dig deep into the dark recesses of my mind and figure out if I deserved the kind of light Jana brought with her.
Chapter 18
Jana
Standing in front of my closet in nothing but my lingerie and a robe, I bit my lip and looked at my limited options. Tonight was the art show and my nerves were so frazzled, I felt moments away from a panic attack. I left my phone in the living room just to make sure I didn’t call Moon and bail at the last minute. I was really, really tempted.
But in the spirit of big girl panties—black lace, tonight—I stood and stared for something appropriate yet modest, and most important of all, inconspicuous. All of my dress clothes were professional which meant pencil and A-line skirts, and button up shirts and silky blouses. Basically, it was boring as hell. Boring was my jam because it didn’t draw too much attention. Black seemed to be the best option so I pulled out a black skirt and a long sleeved black lace shirt with a black cami underneath. Black on black was perfect and with a reluctant sigh I set it on the bed.
The bell rang and I groaned because it meant I was running out of time. Teddy was here. Tightening the sash on my robe, I practically marched to the front door and yanked it open. “You’re early.”
She flashed a grin and breezed right on in, ignoring the scowl on my face. “I know. I had a feeling you might be dragging your ass, and I come bearing gifts!” Teddy’s laugh was contagious and it worked to alleviate some of my nerves.
Not all, but some. “Gifts, you say? I hope there’s a bottle in one of those bag,” I told her nodding towards the garment bag and her tiny sparkly clutch.
“No bottle, but something better.” Perfectly sculpted auburn brows wiggled and she turned on her
red stilettos and headed to my bedroom.
“Where are you going?”
“You think this bag is for my health? Get your butt in here.”
I hesitated for just a moment because Teddy couldn’t be put off long. She dealt with difficult clients, no difficult brides, for a living and could out last my stubbornness. She was pulling the zipper on the garment bag when I entered the room with a groan. “You got me clothes? I thought we were friends, Theodora.”
Her blue eyes narrowed to slits. “You’re lucky I love you or you’d be dead right now.” She kept her face in a scowl but I saw her lips twitch in amusement moments before she burst out laughing. “Anyway, I have a little black dress just for you, honey.”
She held up the dress and—not a shocker—it was gorgeous. Short and black with a scoop neck and a low back. “That back is practically indecent!”
She laughed. “Practically, maybe. But it isn’t indecent. All of your bits will be covered, I promise.”
I wasn’t a believer. The dress looked too small to hold my curves and worse, it might draw too much attention to me. “I don’t know, Teddy.”
“Trust me.” Big blue eyes looked into mine, begging me to trust her and I did trust her. More than anyone.
I rolled my eyes and blew out a long, resigned sigh. “Fine. Give me the damn dress.”
She handed it over with a triumphant grin, crossed her arms and waited for me to put it on. “You’re going to look so hot.” Her smile beamed and she clapped excitedly.
“Let’s not go crazy,” I told her and pulled the tie on my robe. The dress felt like a cloud, soft and silky smooth as it slid over my body. It wasn’t tight but it fit perfectly, almost like a glove. The scoop neck made my neck look long and graceful without making my chest look pornographic. It was shorter than I liked, hitting just above the knee. When I turned to see the back, I was amazed at how sexy it looked. Smooth and touchable, if I wanted to be touched, which I didn’t.
“Well, what do you think?”
I could hear the smile in her voice even before I met her gaze in the mirror. “It’s too sexy but it’s perfect for tonight. With a pashmina, though.”
“Of course,” she said and rolled her eyes. “But only if you get chilly.”
“I’m already chilly with half my back exposed. Are my underwear showing?” I heard her laugh and shook my head. “I love it Teddy, thank you. But I’m not sure I can wear it.”
“Of course you can. You’ll draw every eye in the house.”
“Yeah that’s my point. It’s bad enough that Moon is going to rope me into talking to people, now you want the ones I can ignore to look at me too? No thanks.”
“Well,” she began and crossed her arms, telling me she wasn’t happy with my gratitude. Or lack of. “You can’t wear that, it looks like funeral wear. This is Vegas, not New York, Jana.” She shrugged. “I guess you can go with your favorite paint splattered jeans.”
“Ugh, I hate you right now.”
She laughed and flashed a victorious grin. “I love you too, now figure out what shoes you want to wear while I set up for hair and makeup.” She bent and picked up my velvet burgundy stilettos.
“I guess I’m ready.” I had no place that would fit us both so we set up in the kitchen.
“Are you worried that Max will be there?”
“He won’t be,” I insisted, maybe a little too strongly, but I knew he wouldn’t because I hadn’t told him about it.
“Then why are you so nervous?” She gently combed my hair, separating it as she spritzed and curled.
“Because I don’t like being the center of attention, Teddy. Tonight is all about that and I really don’t want to deal with it, but I gave my word so all I can do now is try to endure it.” People always stared at the doctor’s office, the grocery store and restaurants, but the difference was that tonight I’d be the one putting myself out there to be stared and pointed at. Mocked.
“Don’t worry honey, I’ll be right beside you all night. If anyone steps out of line, I’ll make them regret it. And I might even make them regret being born, just for fun.” We laughed because it was true, I’d seen Teddy cut a man with nothing more than her razor sharp tongue. “Speaking of Max,” she began.
“We weren’t” I rushed and replied.
“Have you spoken to him at all? Close your eyes.”
I did as she ordered and tilted my head back, waiting for the feel of the sponge or brush over my face. It was always a surreal experience when Teddy slathered face paint on me, because I never wore it. It was a pointless exercise, but Teddy wanted to help and this was how she did it. “No. There’s nothing more to say. He refuses to get the help he needs that will make things better, so we can’t be together. I love Max and I never thought I’d get to know a man well enough to fall in love with him. I let him take me out to restaurants and bars because it made him feel better, but he won’t even try to get a little better for himself. Or me. Message received.” Loud and fucking clear. It had taken a few days but now I mostly felt numb about it, only crying when I curled up in bed by myself.
Teddy was silent for so long I thought she’d dropped the topic while she finished putting her expensive gunk on my face. But I should’ve known better. “Jana I’m going to say something you might not like.”
I felt my body clench but I would hear her out. “I’m listening.”
“It’s really hard to come back from something like this.”
I scoffed and opened my eyes to find hers far too close. “Yeah, I think I know something about that.”
She nodded and set the blush brush down. “You do, but it’s not the same. When your trauma happened, you were a child still figuring out who you were going to be in this world. That was a different hardship, but Max is a grown man with a purpose in his life, one that was very dear to his heart and he not only lost that purpose, but he lost it horrifically. Along with some of his best friends, men who were like family to him, who saved his life, went to war beside him.” She took a deep breath and the sympathy swimming in her eyes nearly made me bawl like a baby. “I’m not minimizing what you went through, it was fucking terrible, but I’m just trying to make you understand. It’s hard to lose your whole identity.”
I listened to her words and processed them, trying to see things from her side. From Max’s side. It’s true that I was a poor kid with nothing but the foster parents the state entrusted with my care and Robert’s actions devastated me, Karen’s too. But I didn’t have a career to lose yet, or friends vanish from my life. “It is different, you’re right. But I’m not asking him to be healed, because I know there is no complete healing from this. All I’m asking is that he takes steps to decrease his suffering, the frequency of his nightmares. He’s not. Instead he goes home instead of staying with me.” I closed my eyes as they began to burn with unshed tears threatening to spill over, and I took a deep breath to keep those tears where they were. “Wouldn’t he at least try, Teddy? If I mattered at all to him?”
For once in our friendship, she was speechless. That in itself was my answer.
“So,” I stood and slipped on my shoes. “Are we ready to get this over with?”
Teddy grinned as she stood and reached for my shoulders. “You mean are we ready for your art world debut? The answer is hell to the yeah!”
Her enthusiasm was contagious and I wore a smile all the way to the art gallery beside Moon’s art supply shop.
Stepping inside the crowded gallery, my smile dropped.
Chapter 19
Max
“Are you sure she’s gonna show?” Tate stood beside me in the doorway of the art gallery, which was right beside the store where we had class on Friday night. “I don’t see her.”
“She’ll be here. Jana wouldn’t do that to Moon.” At least I hoped she wouldn’t. I looked down at my outfit to make sure I looked all right and instantly I felt like a tool. Jana wouldn’t give a shit that I’d dressed up, and she seemed to prefer me in jeans and a t
-shirt. When she preferred me, that is.
“Dude, is that a cock?” Tate pointed at a large blue statue that, yep, looked just like a cock and balls.
A loud laugh escaped, drawing the attention of several others inside the gallery. “Looks like it is, though I’d worry if the cock is blue too.”
Tate snickered again. “If it’s that blue, you’re beyond help.”
With a shake of my head, I pushed him forward to the next display as my head swiveled back and forth, hoping to catch a glimpse of that white blond hair I knew so well. She hadn’t arrived yet, or she was hiding someplace. It gave me time to look around at the gallery, it was sparse with mostly white walls and red brick separating the exhibits. The large room was dimly lit and there didn’t seem to be any real order to the place.
“Max.” Tate smacked my chest with the back of his hand to get my attention and pointed at the exhibit we stood in front of, wearing a knowing grin.
I turned, and my gaze slammed into a familiar, deep brown gaze, only it wasn’t brown. It was damn near black from Jana’s sketching pencils. It was a self-portrait, which I knew she hated, and staring at the sketch I could see why. She was still the most beautiful thing in the world to me, but it was all undercut by the sadness swimming in her depths. But the sadness wasn’t all I saw, there was her strength, the tension in her clenched jaw served as a reminder that she hated the face that I loved. And in that moment, I knew that Tate was right, I did love Jana. It was all so clear, staring at her face and the detail from the little freckle on the bridge of her nose to the dolphin earring on the upper part of her right ear. “Damn.” It was all so beautiful yet painful.
“She’s got talent,” Tate said, staring at a set of long legs with a long zipper scar up the outside of one leg that I was sure belonged to Teddy.
