by Sophie Love
“Do you want talk about it?” Keira asked softly.
“I don’t want to take up your time.”
“Hannah,” Keira said in a warning tone. “I have all the time for you in the world. Always. Just because things didn’t work out with me and Shane, please don’t think that means you have to stay away.”
She listened to the intake of breath from Hannah. Then the girl’s strained voice came out.
“I just don’t know who else to talk to.”
She began to cry, and the sound broke Keira’s heart.
“Talk to me,” Keira said softly. She lowered herself down the wall and sat on the cold, marble floor outside her hotel room door.
“You heard about the heart attack last month, didn’t you?” Hannah asked. “Well, dad was getting better after that. He couldn’t work on the farm like before but I just thought it was normal to take a while to get back to full health. I thought everything was going to be okay. But his heart gave out again and this time… this time they couldn’t get him back.” She wept, pitifully, the sound of a child calling out for their parent.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” Keira said. “You must miss him terribly.”
Hannah was just sixteen. It didn’t seem fair that she would grow up without her dad around.
“Are you all together?” Keira asked. “Your sisters, mom, Shane?”
“Yes,” Hannah replied meekly. She sounded exhausted. “But everyone’s crying and it’s too much. I feel like I have to be the strong one.”
“You don’t,” Keira told her softly. “You don’t need to try and be anything. Whatever you feel is normal. It hurts but you have to let yourself feel it.”
There was a long silence. Finally, Hannah replied, “So it’s not bad that I really just want to hear about what you’re doing right now? I read your article on Italy.”
“You did?” Keira asked, touched.
“It was really good. But was it real? Did you really fall in love with your tour guide?”
“Oh…” Keira replied, feeling her heart drop, knowing how disappointed the girl must be. “Yes.”
“Are you over Shane?”
Keira felt her stomach clench. “It’s complicated.”
“Why?” Hannah asked. “You guys were perfect for each other.”
“I know,” Keira told her. “But that’s not always enough. Life gets in the way. Work. Family. Oceans that divide us. Maybe at another time and place, but not now. Now I have a different path to follow.”
“I wanted you to be my sister in law.”
Keira sighed. “I know. I wanted it too.”
There was another pause before Hannah asked in her sweet, angelic voice, “Where are you now?”
“I’m in Paris.”
“You are?” Hannah cried. “You’re so close! Maybe you could come back for the funeral?”
The request made Keira freeze. Flights from Paris to Cork were quick and cheap. There was no reason for her not to. She could be there in a flash to support Hannah and the rest of the Lawders. Except there was one big, glaring reason why she couldn’t. Shane. She couldn’t see him again, not now she was embarking on this love affair with Cristiano. If she saw Shane again, all those old feelings would come back to her. She knew wasn’t fully over him, that she’d just forced herself to stop thinking about him, and that casting him from her mind had allowed her to fall in love with Cristiano. But there was a bit of her heart that still belonged to Shane.
Just then, she heard a voice coming from the background of Hannah’s line. Even though it was muffled, she knew instantly it was Shane. A jolt of pain struck her.
Hannah spoke again. “Um, Shane wants to speak to you.”
Before Keira could protest, or saying anything else, Hannah disappeared from the line. A moment later she heard the sound of someone pick up the phone.
“Keira…” he said.
Hearing his voice brought a torrent of emotions to the forefront of Keira’s mind. Not just mental but physical. She felt them in her chest, her throat, in her hands that suddenly began to shake. Just hearing Shane’s voice brought back feelings she had forgotten she’d once felt.
“Hey,” she squeaked.
“Hannah told you what happened?”
“Yes. I’m so sorry. How are you?”
“I’ve been better,” he replied.
Keira leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. She could picture Shane now, sat in the family’s kitchen, the warm, happy home now suddenly dark and cold. A tear rolled down her cheek.
“Thanks for speaking to Hannah,” Shane continued. “She’s taking this really hard. As you can imagine.”
“Poor kid,” Keira managed to say. She wiped her tears away. “Shane…” she began.
But at the same time, Shane spoke too. “I’d better get going.”
“Oh, okay,” Keira said, clipping off the sentence she’d been about to make. And for the best. Telling Shane she missed him at this point of time would have been reckless.
“Bye Keira.”
The line went dead. Keira sat there, blinking, feeling her tears rushing down her cheeks. Then she noticed something out the corner of her eye. She looked right quickly, and saw, standing in the threshold of the door, his face pale and drawn, was Cristiano.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Keira could tell by his expression that he’d caught the tail end of her conversation. She stood, quickly.
“Cristiano.”
He turned and headed into the room. She followed him in.
“Let me explain.”
Cristiano turned on the spot then.
“Explain what?” he bellowed. “You’re still speaking to him? To your ex?”
“It was his sister who called me,” Keira replied, shaking her head. “I barely even said two words to Shane.”
“Why are you talking to any of them?” Cristiano yelled.
He looked furious. Keira had never seen this side of him.
“I know you’re hurt,” Keira told him, trying to calm him down with her tone. “But it’s honestly not like that. I’m not speaking to Shane or any of his sisters. His father died. They were just calling to give me the news.”
Cristiano paced away, running his hands through his hair. “God dammit!” he bellowed to the walls.
Keira grasped her mouth, shocked by the passion in Cristiano’s outburst. They’d never fought before. They’d never even bickered. It broke her heart that their perfect track record was ruined. They’d never be able to go back to being the couple who’d never fought.
“Speak to me,” Keira pleaded. She hated the distance between them. The silence. She hated knowing that Cristiano was angry and it was her fault.
Cristiano stood at the window, looking out at the gray streets. He exhaled loudly, then finally he turned to look at her. “I need a bit of space to cool down.”
“Don’t go,” Keira said. The idea of him not being here when she felt this bad was devastating.
“I just need a walk and to get my head together,” he replied, grabbing his jacket and the umbrella.
“How long will you be?”
“I don’t know,” Cristiano replied. He could barely look at her as he passed her, heading towards the door.
Keira watched his back. At the door, he heaved it open and stepped straight out, not even turning around to say goodbye. The door slammed shut behind him, and Keira began to sob in earnest. She crawled into the bed they’d been planning on making love in all day, and wept, alone.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
An hour passed with no sign of Cristiano. Keira wandered the hotel room alone, idly flicked through some French language channels, tried to write something for her article and, failing, made a coffee using the small kettle in the corner of the room. She sat out on the balcony drinking it. The weather was cold but the mug warmed her hands.
She tried to put herself in the mind set of all the late, great romantic writers and poets who had done just this. Sittin
g wistfully looking out at Paris’s streets, longing for lost loves.
Needing someone to talk to, she texted Bryn.
Had a big fight with C. :(
A moment later, her phone began flashing and buzzing. Bryn was calling.
“What happened?” her sister asked when she answered. She sounded perhaps a bit too excited for some gossip.
“It was awful,” Keira said. “He overheard me talking to Shane.”
“Why were you talking to Shane?” Bryn cried, sounding like she’d just heard the most scandalous thing of her life.
“His dad died,” Keira said with a weary sigh. She’d hardly even had time to process the fact that Calum had passed. Everything had been a blur. “Hannah called me. She was distraught and needed someone to speak to.”
There was a pause. “So what’s Cris’s problem then?” she asked.
Keira swept the hair from her forehead. “I didn’t really get a chance to explain properly. Shane had just come on the phone and I must have said his name aloud, then Cristiano walked out saw me crying. I think he put two and two together.”
“That does look bad,” Bryn replied, in her usual tactless manner. “Where is he now?”
“He left. About an hour ago.” Keira felt her whole body deflate. “I’m probably making this into more of a big deal then I need to, but I’ve never seen him angry, you know? It was our first fight and I can’t help but feel like the spell’s been broken a bit. Does that make sense?”
“Oh sis,” Bryn said. “You were going to have to accept that Cristiano was an actual human being sooner or later. That this love affair you’re having won’t be perfect forever, just because his face is.” The she added as an afterthought, “And body.”
Keira frowned. “You think this is just a fling?”
Bryn hesitated. “Hun. It is. You know that right?”
Keira instantly found herself fuming. How dare Bryn judge her. And now, of all times, when she needed her support!
“Bryn, it’s the real deal,” Keira stammered. “This isn’t a fling. We love each other.”
“Oh sweety…” Bryn said, sounding like a condescending parent. “What you had with Zach was a relationship. You lived in the same city. You went to bars, had mutual friends, watched crappy TV together on week nights, washed each other’s dirty socks. What you have with Cris is an affair. You can see that, right? It’s not real.”
“He came to New York to be with me!” Keira shot back.
“And then you left!” Bryn refuted. “Packed your bags and went off to the next hotel room. I mean, it has all the hallmarks of an affair.”
Keira had heard enough. “What do you even know about it, Bryn? The only relationship you’ve had that’s lasted longer than a bottle of wine is with a man old enough to be our dad! I mean you’re the definition of Daddy Issues, so don’t tell me I don’t know how to love.”
She ended the call before Bryn had a chance to say anything else. She was furious. Her sister had been getting on her nerves more than ever recently, no thanks to the fact they were sharing an apartment. Why would she want to have with Cristiano what she’d had with Zachary? It had been boring. They’d not even been in love! She’d prefer to have Cristiano any day, even if it meant passionate fights.
The rain started falling and Keira went inside, throwing herself dramatically into bed. She didn’t want to wait around all day for Cristiano but if she left while he was out, he might think she’d completely gone. Or worse, he might pack his things up and leave. At least if she stayed here they’d have to see each other again; he’d come back eventually, even if it was just for his stuff.
She went onto her laptop and purchased a weepy black and white romance film, set in France, of course. As it was downloading — slowly, thanks to the hotel’s poor wifi connection — she received an email from Nina.
Hello darling
I hope you’re having the sexiest time in Paris. Isn’t the city marvellous? Now, listen, your writing is wonderful as always. My worry is that there’s not enough conflict. Don’t worry about blurring in a little bit of fiction if you need to. I’m thinking a blazing row on one of the bridges. In a rain storm. Leave the readers hanging for a bit then make up with a passionate display of affection under the Eiffel Tower. What do you think?
Bisous,
Nina.
Keira couldn’t help but let out a wry laugh. Nina was about to get a whole load of drama, zero fiction required. But when Keira tried to type, no words came out. It felt wrong to put their private argument into the public realm. She wouldn’t like it if she was Cristiano. Especially when things were already fragile between them.
She remembered what she’d told Elliot during their meeting, about how she didn’t want to be a lab rat, how this was her life, not an experiment. Maybe coming here had been a bad idea after all. Perhaps she’d put their love under unnecessary strain. Undue pressure. If she’d been back in New York when Hannah called, she’d have had the privacy of her office to speak to her and Shane. She’d have been able to calmly explain to Cristiano what was going on. She’d set them up for this kind of drama when she’d whisked them off to another country.
Her laptop pinged, indicating the movie had downloaded. Keira was relieved. She reached into the mini bar and took out all of the chilled chocolate bars and a little can of G&T. Even when she was miserable, she knew how to make the most of it. Then she settled under the warm covers and hit play.
*
Keira must have fallen asleep at some point, because suddenly she heard a scritchy sound at the door. She turned just as it opened, illuminating Cristiano in the doorway.
She sat up abruptly, making the empty candy wrappers rustle.
“You’re back.”
He nodded, not saying anything, and kicked off his shoes. Keira watched him, feeling tentative as he came in and sat heavily down on the side of the bed, looking at the door he’d just come through.
“I’m sorry,” he said, finally, without looking at her.
Keira reached forward, touching his back with her hand. “Me too.”
He turned, at last, and took hold of her hand. “I didn’t mean to shout like that. I just heard you say his name and something in me snapped. If you need to talk to them…” He took a deep breath. “…Of course I won’t stop you.”
She shook her head. “I don’t. I don’t need to be friends with my ex if that’s going to hurt you. It’s just the circumstance, that’s the only reason we were talking.”
Cristiano squeezed her fingers and nodded. She could see the understanding in his eyes.
“Can I kiss you now?” she asked. “Please?”
He smiled, sadly. “No. Because I’m going to kiss you first.”
He took her face in his hands and lightly pressed his lips to hers. Keira felt a wave of relief wash through her. Being back with Cristiano felt so right.
He pulled back and gazed at her, with deep regret in his eyes. It wasn’t necessary, Keira thought. He was already forgiven.
His eyes fell then to the candy wrappers. “Have you been comfort eating?”
She blushed. “Maybe. And comfort watching.” She pointed at the laptop and the black and white movie still playing on it.
Cristiano shook his head. “You’ve got crumbs in our bed.”
She laughed and wrapped her arms around him. “I’m sorry,” she replied. “How can I make it up to you?”
Cristiano wiggled with eyebrows then. “I can think of something.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
The next morning Keira woke to the sight of Cristiano sleeping beside her. They’d made up, technically, but she still felt like something had changed. It was that loss of perfection that she’d mentioned to Bryn, as though their relationship was now tarnished. She knew she was being ridiculous to think that way. Nothing was ever perfect. Not forever, anyway.
She got out of bed, then showered and dressed for the day. Her hair still damp, she made coffee, and went to Cristiano to wake him up
with it. He opened his eyes sleepily, flashing her one of his gorgeous smiles. If their fight had had any lasting impact on him, Keira couldn’t see it on his face.
“Thanks,” he murmured sleepily, taking the coffee and sitting up.
Keira perched beside him. “I thought it might be nice to have a less busy day today,” she said. “We’ve not been to Saint Germain yet. How do you feel about just wandering around?”
“Sounds good to me,” Cristiano replied. “As long as we stop for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner.”
“Of course,” Keira laughed.
Cristiano got up and prepared himself for another day of walking in the rain. While he was showering, Keira sipped her coffee thoughtfully. Cristiano was acting completely normally but she still felt as though things were a bit rocky between them. Hopefully a stress-free, calm day would be exactly what they needed to get back on track.
Once they were ready, they headed out into the drizzly day. It was only a thirty minute walk to St Germain, in the sixth arrondissement, the other side of the Seine. They crossed the river via the Pont au Change and Pont Saint-Michel bridges.
“This is the first time we’ve actually been on one of Paris’s bridges,” Keira remarked, surprised. “The other time we went south of the river we took the metro.”
“You’re right,” Cristiano said. “We should do it more often. It’s very attractive.”
She smiled. He was right. This part of the city was gorgeous; the small island in the middle of the Seine was reached by two different bridges, and contained some of the most stunning architecture Paris had to offer.
