He screwed his eyes tight shut again, but it didn’t help. She could see tears trickling down his cheeks, running into his nose and mouth, and for a moment he stood rigidly still and then suddenly he reached for her, and she caught him and, when he buried his face in her neck, he broke down completely.
Broke down and cried in great shuddering, gasping sobs that tore at her heart, making her cry, too, but she didn’t try to stop his tears, knew how much she’d hated it when he’d tried to stop hers, and knew, too, how much he needed to finally cry.
‘I’m sorry, so sorry,’ he said eventually, his voice raw, his eyes red-rimmed. ‘You shouldn’t have had to witness that.’
‘Yes, I should,’ she insisted, cupping his face with her hand. ‘You loved Harry, just as I did.’
‘Would…?’ She saw him swallow hard. ‘Would you stay with me tonight, Bree? I just want to hold you,’ he added quickly. ‘Nothing else—I just want to hold you, and not. not be alone any more.’
And she nodded, and took him to her bed, and held him close, and eventually they fell asleep, wrapped in one another’s arms. And some time in the middle of the night, he woke her, and reached for her, and she knew what he wanted, and this time she wanted it, too. This time she wanted to make love to him, and, as she touched him, and he touched her, they both cried again. Not the racking, heart-rending tears they’d shed in the past, but tears that were healing tears, tears for a past they could not change, that left them clinging to one another, neither of them ever wanting to let go.
CHAPTER SIX
CONNOR smiled slightly as he rolled over onto his back, and heard the small, protesting sigh that Brianna made as she followed him and nestled up again against his side.
It was going to be all right. Everything was finally going to be all right. When he and Brianna had made love last night it had been both a wonderful and also a cathartic experience for them both, and this morning he felt new, reborn, as though the world was yet again full of endless possibilities, instead of the dark and empty place it had been for the last two years.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Who had said that? He couldn’t remember, but today was most definitely the start of a new life for both of them and he wasn’t going to screw it up this time round. This time he would get it right.
Gently, he put his arm round her, not wanting to wake her, but, when he rested his chin on the top of her head, he heard her yawn.
‘What time is it?’ she murmured.
He squinted at the bedside clock. ‘A little after seven.’
‘I have to get up,’ she said regretfully. ‘Auditors might be able to lie in bed for as long as they like, but nurses don’t have that luxury.’
He tightened his grip on her, not wanting to let her go, and knowing he wanted her all over again as she stretched against him.
‘Pity about that,’ he said, tracing the length of her spine with his finger and feeling her shiver. ‘I was kind of hoping…’
‘I’m sure you were,’ she said, as she raised her head and looked up at him, her brown eyes dancing, before rolling over onto her back, ‘but I need a shower, and some breakfast.’
He propped himself up on his elbow and gazed down at her.
‘We could shower together. Very eco, that. Saving water, heating, and think how much faster we’d get clean if we washed each other.’
‘Yeah, right.’ She chuckled. ‘And like I don’t know that the state of the planet would be the very last thing on your mind if we got into the shower together. Connor, I don’t have time.’
‘But I can be real fast when it comes to showering,’ he insisted. ‘See, what I’d do first would be to put some soap on my hands, and then I’d do this.’
Slowly he smoothed his hands over her shoulders, tracing the length of her collarbone.
‘Connor, I really don’t—’
‘And then,’ he interrupted, his voice becoming a little huskier as his palms slid down onto her breasts. ‘I’d wash you here. Very carefully, of course,’ he continued, hearing her suck in her breath sharply as he began sliding his hands up and down and over each breast, circling and circling them until the nipples peaked, ‘because I know how very sensitive your breasts are.’
‘Connor, I…I think you should stop now,’ she said faintly, and he shook his head at her.
‘You see, that’s the beauty of us showering together. You wouldn’t have to think,’ he murmured. ‘And after I’d washed your breasts—because I’m a really thorough sort of a man—I’d cover you with plenty of soap down here,’ he continued, sliding his palm down her stomach, slowly, oh, so very slowly, until he cupped her. ‘And then,’ he added, as he began to stroke and stroke her, easing her thighs further and further apart, ‘I’d do this, though of course you’ll just have to try to imagine the soap. How very wet it would be, how very warm, how…liquid.’
‘I’m…I’m trying not to.’ She gasped, biting her lip when his finger slipped inside her and he continued to stroke her, and she felt the heat beginning to build. ‘Connor…please…please stop!’
‘Hey, but it sure does take a lot of effort to get you really clean, doesn’t it?’ He chuckled as he increased the pressure of his fingers, and she began to writhe beneath him. ‘Maybe I’d also need to do this…’
And he bent down and replaced his fingers with his tongue. Gently at first, licking into her so gently, and then his tongue began to probe further, and further inside her, and she put her hands on his head, and arched up against him, as she felt the throbbing begin, the pulsing begin.
‘Connor, oh.oh, my…oh, my God!’
And suddenly she jerked and convulsed, shaking and trembling, her heartbeat drumming in her ears as the heat went everywhere.
‘Good?’ he whispered in her ear, and she nodded breathlessly.
‘Very good, amazingly good, stupendously good.’
‘And there was you thinking it would take me for ever to get you clean if we shared a shower,’ he said with a wicked grin.
She stared back at him for a heartbeat, then, before he knew what she was doing, she had pinned him onto his back.
‘My turn now,’ she said, her eyes gleaming. ‘My turn to play torturer.’
‘Really? ‘ he said huskily, exhaling sharply when she began tracing her fingers down his chest.
‘Oh, absolutely.’ She nodded as she bent her head, and licked one of his nipples, and then the other, and heard him gasp. ‘It’s only fair, after all. In fact…’ she continued, as she slid her hand down his stomach, and he tensed with anticipation. ‘In fact…’
‘In fact, what?’ he whispered as she suddenly sat up.
‘Sorry,’ she said, her eyes dancing with devilment. ‘I’m afraid this is going to have to be put on hold, because I’ve just noticed the time, and if I don’t hurry up and have a proper shower I’m going to be late.’
‘Brianna!’
‘Yes?’ she said, her lips curving, as she slipped out of bed and headed for the door.
‘I take back what I said about you being an angel,’ he protested. ‘You’re a witch!’
‘Probably.’ She grinned.
And he laughed. Witch or angel, he honestly didn’t care. She was his again, and that was all that mattered.
Except it wasn’t, he realised when he grabbed a quick shower after she’d had hers, and hurried down to the kitchen. Normally, the percolator would be on, and the table would be laid, but this morning none of those things had been done. She was standing by the kitchen window instead, gazing out, and, when she heard him come in, the smile that greeted him was tentative in the extreme. Something had clearly happened between the shower and the kitchen, and that something was making her think, and he didn’t want her to think, to have any doubts.
‘Fruit juice and cereal for breakfast as usual?’ he said brightly.
‘Fine,’ she replied, retrieving two bowls from the cupboard and putting them on the table.
‘Coffee or tea
? It will have to be instant if you want coffee,’ he added. ‘It will take too long if we wait for the percolator.’
‘Instant coffee,’ she murmured. ‘And plenty of it. I find I need lots of caffeine in the morning nowadays.’
‘Me, too, or I’m hell to live with.’ He grinned. ‘Or hellier than I would be.’ He frowned. ‘Is there such a word as hellier?’
‘I expect so,’ she said. ‘Or if there isn’t, there should be.’
Something was most definitely wrong, he thought as he switched on the kettle, then took some orange juice out of the fridge and filled two glasses. Everything had been perfect, just perfect, and now she looked nervous, unsure, as though there was something she wanted to say but wasn’t quite sure how to phrase it.
The job, he suddenly realised. It would be that damn job Brooke had offered her. He’d overheard the consultant asking her about it, and she clearly wanted to take it, but she’d realised he wouldn’t want to move here, and she was right. Penhally and St Piran were probably very nice for holidaymakers who weren’t big on excitement, but what sort of work would he get here? Hell, he’d be reduced to making spreadsheets, and advising the local butcher and baker on their tax returns. Well, it wasn’t a problem. There must be dozens of nurse unit managers’ jobs in London, and he’d help her scour the nursing magazines for them, and then she could have what she wanted, and he could, too.
‘Something wrong?’ he said, deliberately giving her an opening, but she shook her head.
‘No, no problem,’ she replied with a smile he didn’t buy for a second.
OK, he thought. Give her time, give her space, don’t crowd her, she’ll mention the job when she’s ready.
‘Cream or milk on your cereal? ‘ he asked. ‘Actually, scrub the cream,’ he added with a frown as he noticed the use-by date. ‘You know, you really will have to go shopping.’
‘I’ll do it before I come home tonight,’ she murmured, then he saw her take a deep breath.
Here it comes, he thought. Here comes the ‘Mr Brooke has offered me the job I’ve always wanted, and I don’t know what to do about it’, so say the right thing this time, Connor, or you’re toast.
‘I was just thinking about Harry,’ she said, taking him completely by surprise. ‘The baby I found, not our son,’ she added quickly, ‘and I was wondering.if his mother doesn’t ever come forward…how would you feel…?’ She rearranged the salt and pepper cruet on the kitchen table. ‘How would you feel about us adopting him?’
Oh, hell. He’d known she was getting far too close to this child, much too involved, but he’d never imagined anything like this, hadn’t for one second seen this coming.
‘Bree—’
‘If his mother never claims him,’ she said quickly, ‘he’ll be sent to a foster-home, and though I’m sure they’re wonderful places—nothing like the orphanages of the past—they’re not like a real home, are they? Connor, we could give him a home, be his parents,’ she continued, eagerness plain in her eyes. ‘I know he wouldn’t be ours in the sense of us being his real mother and father, but we could give him so much.’
‘I understand that,’ he began carefully, ‘but, sweetheart, we’re both still young, and though I know it took us a long time to conceive Harry, that doesn’t mean we couldn’t try for a child of our own again.’
‘No! ‘ she said vehemently. ‘The heart defect Harry was born with, it’s an inherited condition, so it could happen again, and to wait for nine months, feeling him—or her—growing inside me—always wondering, always fearing, never knowing. I can’t do that, I can’t.’
‘But—’
‘The little Harry in the hospital…he needs me, Connor, and we have so much love we could give him.’
Slowly he walked over to her, and put his hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look up at him.
‘I know we do, but, Brianna, are you sure you want this child for the right reasons? ‘
She shook her head impatiently.
‘What better reasons could there be than me wanting to give him a home, parents, love?’
‘You could do that for our own child—’
‘I’ve explained to you why I won’t risk that,’ she declared. ‘Weren’t you listening—didn’t you hear what I said?’
He had heard, he thought. Much more than she probably wanted him to hear.
‘Bree, what you’re saying is, you want a baby, but you want a no-risk baby,’ he said gently. ‘You want the baby in the hospital because, though he has health problems, they’re health problems that can be cured, and you’ll be able to take him home. You’re scared, Bree,’ he continued as she tried to interrupt. ‘You’re scared of the unknown, of what might happen if we try for another child—and I can understand that, I feel the same way—but that isn’t the right reason to adopt this child.’
‘I want him because I can give him what he doesn’t have,’ she protested, shrugging herself free from his hands. ‘A mother, a father, a home. Why is that so very wrong?’
‘It isn’t, if it was the whole truth, but it isn’t, you know it isn’t. Bree, after Harry died, I read up on heart defects. They can be detected now by antenatal screening at eighteen weeks—’
‘And then what?’ she interrupted. ‘If the scan discovered there was something wrong, do you honestly think I would opt for an abortion? I’d have to carry on with the pregnancy, knowing…’ She took a ragged breath. ‘Knowing that the baby inside me was going to die, just like Harry died, and I don’t think I’d be able to survive that.’
He wanted to argue with her. He wanted to tell her that perhaps it wouldn’t happen, that maybe the odds would fall on their side this time, but she looked so stricken, and the Harry in the hospital did need a home. Would it be so very wrong to agree to what she wanted even though he knew, instinctively, that it was for all the wrong reasons?
‘Connor?’
She was waiting anxiously for his reply, and he sighed.
‘Even if I agree to this, it’s only been four days since you found him. His mother could still come forward.’
‘A normal mother wouldn’t have left her child for four hours, far less four days,’ she argued back. ‘And much as I don’t want to agree with Rita, maybe she’s right, maybe Harry’s mother doesn’t want him, which gives us all the more reason to give him a home, where he’d be wanted.’
‘And then there’s the actual adoption process,’ he continued. ‘There are couples who have been on waiting lists for years, and just because he’s in your ward doesn’t mean you can jump the queue.’
‘I know that—I understand that,’ she insisted, ‘but we could try. Will you at least agree that we could try?’
Her eyes were large, pleading, and he wished he could think of something to say that would dissuade her. He didn’t want her to be hurt again, he so desperately didn’t want her to be hurt, but he knew how high the odds were against any adoption agency fast-tracking them to the top of their list, and those odds were too high.
‘Connor. Please,’ she continued softly, and he sighed, then nodded reluctantly.
‘If the baby’s mother doesn’t come forward, we’ll see if adopting him is possible,’ he said, and saw her face light up with a smile that tore at his heart.
‘Thank you,’ she said fervently. ‘You won’t regret it, I know you won’t.’
He hoped to heaven he wouldn’t, as he watched her hurry across the kitchen to take the cereal packet out of the cupboard, her step light, her lips still curved into a happy smile. He could only hope to heaven that everything would turn out all right.
‘You’re looking very happy this morning, Sister,’ Naomi Renwick declared.
‘I feel happy.’ Brianna smiled. ‘It’s a lovely spring morning, all of the babies had an excellent night, including your daughter, so what more could I wish for?’
‘My wish would be to take my daughter home,’ Naomi replied. ‘I know, I know,’ she continued as Brianna opened her mouth to interrupt, ‘she’s do
ing really well, and in a couple of weeks you’re going to try feeding her orally, but…’
‘You want to take her home now,’ Brianna finished for her, and when Mrs Renwick nodded, she put her arm round her. ‘It will happen, honestly it will. Good grief, even Mr Brooke is happy with her, and you won’t often hear me putting the words “Mr Brooke” and “happy” in the same sentence.’
Naomi chuckled. ‘That’s what Mrs Corezzi said yesterday. She’s very nice, isn’t she?’
‘She’s one of the best.’
‘And so are you, Sister Flannigan,’ Mrs Renwick declared, and, before Brianna realised what she was about to do, Naomi had leant forward and kissed her cheek. ‘In fact, if there was an award for nurse of the year, you’d get my vote.’
‘And now you’ve got Sister Flannigan completely speechless.’ Megan laughed as she joined them. ‘And that takes some doing, I’m telling you.’
Naomi laughed, and Brianna laughed, too, but her cheeks were burning when she accompanied Megan across the ward.
‘That was very nice of her to say,’ she murmured. ‘Not that I am—or could be—nurse of the year, but—’
‘Brianna, you’re damn good at your job so no more of this false modesty,’ Megan insisted. ‘And talking about jobs,’ she continued, lowering her voice, ‘a little bird in the shape of our portly consultant tells me you’re going to be our new nurse unit manager?’
‘I haven’t accepted the job yet, Megan,’ Brianna replied quickly. ‘I’d like to, but it’s…complicated.’
‘One of the complications wouldn’t happen to be a certain man who has a very definite spring in his step this morning, would it?’ Megan said, her eyes twinkling, and Brianna smiled.
‘Connor, and I. We had a long talk last night—’
‘I’d say you did a lot more than talk, judging by how you both look today,’ Megan said shrewdly, and, when Brianna crimsoned, she chuckled. ‘Knew it. So, what’s the problem?’
‘I do love him, Megan,’ Brianna replied. ‘I loved him when I married him, and the love’s still there. A bit bruised, a little bit battered, perhaps, but it’s still there, and this time I think we could make our marriage work, make it a partnership of equals, but…’
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