‘Don’t, Josh,’ she protested, her face stricken, ‘please don’t—’
‘And they rushed you to Theatre, and you were losing so much blood—’
‘If you cared that much then why did you walk away from me?’ she cried, her voice cracking. ‘I thought we’d meant something to one another that night, and yet you didn’t even turn up the next day as we’d arranged.’
‘I was scared, Megan. My father…’ He shook his head. ‘He hurt my mother time and time again with his affairs, and yet she kept on taking him back, and taking him back, and I thought, if that’s love, I want none of it. If that’s what giving your heart means, I can’t do that, so all my life I’ve refused to allow myself to get too close to anyone for fear I’d hurt them, or they’d hurt me.’
‘And yet you married Rebecca,’ she pointed out, and he bit his lip.
‘I should never have done that—I see that now—but I married her because I was lonely. I married her because I was unhappy, and I married her because…’ He sucked in an uneven breath. ‘She wanted so little from me. I’m ashamed to admit that—I should never have married her when all I felt for her was a liking—but I thought she was happy. I told myself she was, but she wasn’t.’
‘Josh—’
‘Megan, I have ruined three lives,’ he said desolately. ‘Yours, my wife’s, my own, and though I deserve everything I’ve got—my wife walking out on me, you hating me—neither you nor Rebecca deserve the pain I’ve inflicted on you both.’
‘I don’t hate you,’ Megan said, her voice trembling. ‘I may have once, a long time ago. I may even have wished you’d never come back into my life, but I don’t hate you. I don’t think I ever could.’
‘I know I can never make it up to you,’ he said. ‘I know I can never expect you to forgive me, or to care for me the way I care for you—’
‘You care for me?’ she interrupted, and he smiled, a lopsided, crooked smile.
‘I realise now, though it’s too late, that I always have, and I just want to say I’m sorry. I know that’s a pathetic thing to say,’ he continued, as a tear trickled down Megan’s cheek, ‘a completely inadequate thing to say, and I wish there were bigger words, better words I could use to convince you I truly am sorry for all the pain and heartache I’ve caused you, but there aren’t.’
‘I don’t need bigger or better words,’ she said on a sob. ‘Those words are enough.’
‘Are you saying…?’ His eyes met hers, and he swallowed hard. ‘Are you saying that maybe…maybe you could learn to care for me again?’
‘Josh, I always have,’ she said simply, ‘and, God help me, I think I always will.’
And when he hesitantly held out his arms to her she walked straight into them, and when he kissed her it was as though the last eight years had never been. As though all the heartache and pain they’d both endured had never happened. And he’d said he’d cared for her. OK, so he hadn’t said the ‘L’ word, but she knew he meant the ‘L’ word, he truly did, and the shiver she felt when she heard the lonely wail of an approaching ambulance, a wail that sounded so like a lost soul crying for the happiness it could never have, meant nothing. It didn’t, she told herself, so when he deepened his kiss, held her even closer, moulded his body to hers, and she felt herself melting, and dissolving in his heat, she didn’t stop him when he stretched behind him, and turned the lock on the on-duty call-room door.
* * *
Brianna’s house was in complete darkness when Connor reached it, and if it hadn’t been for her car parked outside he would have thought she wasn’t home.
‘Brianna needs you,’ Megan had said, sounding frantic on his voice mail. ‘She’s gone home, and she really needs you, Connor.’
He’d driven like a maniac along the narrow Cornish roads, broken the speed limit the whole way, and now.
Hesitantly, he tried the front door, and it opened immediately. Was that good, or bad? He didn’t know, and even more hesitantly he walked down the hall to the sitting room. The room was in darkness, just like the rest of the house, but moonlight was streaming through the window and he could just about make Brianna out, sitting motionless and hunched on the sofa.
‘You know, you really should lock your front door,’ he said, switching on one of the table lamps. ‘I could have been anyone. A burglar, a serial killer, a door-to-door salesman trying to sell you a hundred and one things you never ever wanted.’
She didn’t so much as turn her head, and he shivered. The room was freezing, and quickly he switched on the gas fire, and watched the fake flames spring to life, before turning back to her.
Had she moved at all? He didn’t think she had.
‘I expect I’m the last person in the world you want to see,’ he said, walking over to the sofa and sitting down beside her, hoping to at least provoke a response, but he didn’t. ‘Megan rang me. She was worried about you.’
Still she didn’t move, and tentatively he reached out, and took her hand in his. Lord, but her fingers felt like ice, and the shiver he’d felt earlier became more pronounced.
‘Has something happened at the hospital?’ he asked, wishing she would look at him, say something, anything. ‘Has someone upset you, or is it one of the babies? Has one of the babies become very ill? ‘
Still she said nothing, and he gripped her hand tighter.
‘Bree, for God’s sake, say something, because you’re scaring the hell out of me,’ he said, and she was. ‘Are you ill? You had that giddy spell earlier—is it something to do with that, and there’s something wrong with you? Look, whatever it is, we can deal with it. I’m not going to walk away, I’m not going to leave you—’
‘I’m pregnant.’
Her voice was so low, he wasn’t sure he’d heard her correctly, and he half shook his head.
‘I’m sorry, but did you just say…?’
‘I’m pregnant, Connor,’ she said dully. ‘The night little Colin Hallet had his op, when we made love, I must have conceived a baby then.’
‘But that’s…’ His face lit up. ‘Oh, Bree, that’s wonderful news, the very best of news.’
Her head snapped round to his.
‘Wonderful news—the very best of news?’ she cried. ‘I don’t want to be pregnant, Connor. Can’t you understand, I don’t want to be pregnant!’
‘Bree, I know this is a shock, something you never planned,’ he declared, putting his hands on her shoulders, ‘but you’re going to have a baby—a baby—and it’s what you always wanted, and if…’ His face twisted slightly. ‘If you don’t want me in your life to share this with you, I’ll understand. All I’ll ask of you is that you let me sometimes be there, for the child.’
‘What if it dies?’ she exclaimed, getting jerkily to her feet, her face white, her eyes desperate. ‘What if this baby dies, too, Connor? Before—because of my job—I knew things could sometimes go wrong, but I only knew it in an abstract way, something that happened to other people, not to me, but it has happened to me, and it could happen again—we both know it could. Even if I do all the right things, even if I never take any risks, just like I didn’t with Harry, it could happen again. This baby could have the same inherited heart defect, and it could die!’
‘It might not,’ he said, reaching for her only to see her evade him, ‘and if it does we’ll face it together.’
‘That’s easy for you to say,’ she said, a tear running down her cheek, and she dashed it away. ‘You won’t be able to feel him, or her, moving inside you. You won’t lie awake at night, thinking he hasn’t moved in a little while, and does that mean he’s not alive any more. You were right about Nicola’s baby. I wanted him because he had no one. I wanted him because he looked so like our Harry, but I also wanted him because…’ Another tear trickled down her cheek and she let it fall. ‘He was whole, Connor, he was going to live, and to have to wait to find out if this baby.’
‘So, you’re going to have an abortion?’ he said, watching her face. ‘You’re going t
o abort this baby, not even give it a chance to live, is that it?’
She stared at him, her mouth working soundlessly for a moment, then before he knew what was happening she was standing in front of him, pounding his chest with her fists.
‘How can you say that?’ she cried, hitting him with every word she spoke. ‘How can you even think I’d kill my child? Of course I would never kill my child, never, never!’
‘I know,’ he said, quickly catching her wrists with his hands. ‘Brianna, I know you wouldn’t, and that’s why the only thing you can do is to go on with this, and we can face it together, we can do it together, if…’ He searched her face. ‘You want me in your life, that is? I know I’ve made mistakes,’ he continued as she tried to interrupt. ‘I know I’ve got things wrong, but I have never ever stopped loving you.’
‘And I haven’t ever stopped loving you,’ she said brokenly. ‘I think…maybe…we just sort of lost one another somehow along the way, but I am so scared, Connor, so scared. If this baby dies, too.’
‘I’m scared, too,’ he admitted, taking her into his arms, and holding her tight. ‘In the past, I always thought I had control over my life, my future, but now I know that was nothing but an illusion, that none of us have any control, that all we can do is hold onto one another through the good times, and the bad, and pray and hope.’
‘I want certainty, not hope,’ she sobbed into his chest. ‘I want to know for sure, not have to pray.’
He tilted her head back so she had to look at him.
‘I know, and I think that’s what we all want, but life isn’t like that. For such a very long time I thought, Why my son, why did this have to happen to my son? But now I know there is no answer to that. When Harry died—’
‘You said the word,’ she interrupted. ‘Do you realise that’s the first time you’ve ever said the word?’
‘I couldn’t say it before, because saying it…’ Connor swallowed hard. ‘It made it so final, so irrevocable. It meant I had to accept he was never, ever coming back.’
‘And he isn’t, is he? ‘ she said, and Connor shook his head, a muscle in his jaw quivering.
‘No, but do you remember when they took him off the life-support machine, and you were holding him in your arms, and I had one of his tiny hands in mine…? Do you remember him opening his eyes, and looking at us before he died?’
She nodded with difficulty. ‘I remember.’
‘I think now he was saying, “I love you both, and I know you love me, but I have to go now. I can’t stay with you any longer.”’
‘Oh, Connor…’
‘Brianna, there was a time when I thought I couldn’t face going on without him,’ he said shakily, as tears spilled down her cheeks. ‘I couldn’t see any future without him, but he’s gone on without us, and we have to go on without him. We won’t ever forget him—we can’t, not ever—and he will always have a treasured place in our hearts, but we have to look forward and not back.’
‘I can’t go back to London with you,’ she said quickly. ‘I know you love the city, but I love it here.’
‘We’re staying here. We might need to look for a bigger house once the baby comes, unless your landlord will let us build an extension, but we’re staying in Penhally.’
‘But you’ll be so miserable,’ she protested, ‘and where would you work?’
‘I would never be miserable with you beside me,’ he said, willing her to believe him, ‘and I’ve already got a job in St Piran.’
‘You’ve got a job?’ she said, and he smiled.
‘The hospital board want me to be their financial advisor.’
‘And you were offered this job, and accepted it, and never told me? ‘ she said in confusion.
‘I knew you didn’t want to see me, to talk to me,’ he said, his voice low, ‘but I hoped, if I stayed here…’ He lifted his shoulders awkwardly. ‘Maybe in time you might grow to love me again.’
‘I do, I always have, but…’ She tried to stop her lips from trembling, but she couldn’t. ‘Will the baby be all right this time, Connor?’
He cupped her face in his hands, his blue eyes holding hers.
‘I don’t know, but whatever happens we’re in this together. No matter what the future brings, we will always face it together.’
EPILOGUE
‘A ND how is my gorgeous wife this morning?’
‘Your gorgeous wife feels like a barrage balloon that is about to burst.’ Brianna sighed as she eased herself out of her seat.
‘Back still sore?’ Connor said sympathetically, coming up behind her and rubbing it gently.
‘It must be the way I was sleeping—or rather not sleeping—last night,’ she replied ruefully. ‘I just couldn’t get comfortable.’
‘I’m not surprised.’ Connor grinned, sliding his hands round to caress her swollen stomach. ‘With two little munchkins in there, and only two weeks left until your due date, they’re probably finding it a bit crowded.’
Brianna grimaced. ‘Judging by how much they’re kicking, that could be true.’
‘Maybe they’re both boys?’ Connor exclaimed. ‘Destined to be future world-class football players.’
Brianna closed her eyes. ‘I just want them both to be all right.’
His arms tightened round her. ‘They will be. Trust me.’
It wasn’t a question of trust, she thought as she let her head fall back against his chest. It was a question now of luck, of the odds being stacked not once, but twice in their favour, and she didn’t even want to think about what the chances of that happening might be.
‘Stop worrying,’ Connor said softly, clearly reading her mind, and she tried to smile, but it was hard.
She’d had a scan at twelve weeks, which had revealed she was expecting twins, but she’d refused to go for any more tests. She was more than happy to let the GP in Penhally regularly check her blood pressure, and to keep making sure there were still two little heartbeats, but she’d point blank refused to have any other kind of test, and Connor had backed her all the way.
‘We’ll deal with whatever happens when we have to,’ he had told the GP, and, though the doctor hadn’t been happy, he’d said no more.
‘I was just thinking,’ Connor continued hesitantly. ‘Given that we’re shortly going to be having two little babies in our home, are you quite sure you don’t want the baby shower Jess and Megan want to throw for you? ‘
‘Tell them I’m really touched, but no,’ Brianna replied. ‘I know everyone thinks I’m stupid, but…’
‘You don’t want to tempt fate,’ Connor finished for her. ‘Understood, though you do realise our children’s first beds are going to be a couple of drawers because you won’t even let me buy cots?’
‘Connor—’
‘And I’m sure they’ll love the drawers,’ he said, planting a kiss on the top of her head, then releasing her. ‘I won’t be late home tonight. I want to get the last of the onions, and carrots out of the ground before winter really sets in.’
She shook her head, and laughed. ‘You and your vegetables. You’ll be wanting us to buy chickens next.’
‘Been reading my mind, have you?’ He grinned, and she laughed again.
He’d taken to country living with an enthusiasm that had amazed her. Never would she have thought her city-loving husband would have spent all of his spare time in the garden, creating a vegetable patch, but he had.
‘No regrets?’ she said. ‘About living so far away from everything here in Cornwall?’
‘Not a one. Everything I want is here.’ He cupped her cheek, his blue eyes soft. ‘I was just too blind and stupid to see it before.’
‘And you’re going to be late,’ she said, catching sight of the kitchen clock. ‘Give my best to the troops on the front line.’
‘I will.’ He nodded. ‘You have my number in case you need me?’
She rolled her eyes.
‘Connor, your number is the same number it was eight months ago, so g
et out of here.’
He turned to go, then came back, and took her in his arms. ‘Have I told you this morning that I love you?’
‘Twice.’ She chuckled, as he kissed her. ‘Though how you can love me when I look like a blob…’
‘You have never looked more beautiful,’ he said huskily, and her eyes filled.
‘Lord, being pregnant isn’t half playing havoc with my emotions,’ she said tremulously. ‘Now, will you please get out of here before I have to call the board and tell them their financial adviser is a fruitcake? ‘
‘They already know that,’ he replied, bending his head, clearly intent on kissing her again, and she fended him off.
‘Go!’
She could hear him laughing as he went down the drive, and, when he drove away, she smiled as she absently rubbed her back. She hadn’t ever been this happy, not even back in Killarney, and her pregnancy had been so much easier this time. She’d actually felt well instead of wretched, and all she needed now was.
‘No,’ she told the kettle as she made herself a cup of coffee. ‘No thinking about what’s going to happen in two weeks’ time. Connor said it was forbidden.’
Which didn’t mean she didn’t constantly think about it, she realised as she drank her coffee. The nearer her due date loomed, the more frightened she was becoming.
‘I’d much rather the two of you just stayed in there,’ she told her bump. ‘Where you’re safe.’
One of the inhabitants of the bump kicked, and she winced slightly.
‘I know, I know,’ she said. ‘You’re eager to see the world, but stay where you are. You’ve only two more weeks to wait, and I have this laundry to do. Ninety-nine per cent of which,’ she continued wryly as she bent to pick up the wash basket, ‘appears to consist of your father’s shirts, but I promise you I’ll wean him out of his city suits one day.’
But not right now, she thought as a pain suddenly shot through her, and as she doubled up she felt something wet and warm trickle down her legs.
St Piran's: Tiny Miracle Twins Page 16
