by Amy Clipston
Hannah moved toward the kitchen with the rest of the women to help serve the noon meal. The men converted the benches into tables and then sat and talked while awaiting their food. She made small talk with them while filling their coffee cups. As she headed back to the kitchen, she smiled and greeted friends and relatives.
Once the men were finished eating, Hannah sat with a group of friends and relatives and filled her plate with food. The women talked about their children and the beautiful weather while they visited together. Hannah spotted her mother-in-law at the next table. When their eyes met, Barbie quickly broke the gaze. Hannah sucked in a deep breath and prayed for guidance. She needed to talk to her mother-in-law and do her best to prevent this chasm between them from widening.
Once lunch was over, Hannah helped clean up the kitchen and then made her way out to the porch. She found Barbie sitting on a rocking chair off in the corner, alone.
Hannah crossed the porch and sat on a bench beside her. “Hi, Mamm.”
“Hello.” Her mother-in-law stared over toward the grassy area where the youth were playing volleyball.
“I’d like to talk to you.” Hannah gripped the handrail with one hand. “I spoke to Lillian last night before bed and she told me about the conversation you had with her yesterday.”
Barbie turned to her and raised her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
“She told me that you’d shared with her why you’d visited. You told her about your displeasure about my friendship with Mr. Peterson.”
“She said she was surprised to see me on a Saturday, and I told her why I was visiting. I was only telling her the truth.”
“You should’ve only shared your thoughts with me.”
Barbie looked surprised. “I believe in being honest, and Lillian is old enough to hear the truth. I’m concerned your friendship with the Englisher may be frowned upon in the community. I’m worried about your reputation and our family’s reputation as well. I’m only looking out for you.”
Hannah shook her head. “Being a freind to someone who is new in town isn’t wrong. As I told you yesterday, the Bible tells us—”
“You don’t need to lecture me, Hannah. I know what the Bible says.” She leaned closer to Hannah, causing the chair to creak. “You need to be careful. You’re teaching your girls the wrong message about how to behave with men.”
Hannah held her breath for a moment to stop angry words from bubbling forth. “Mr. Peterson is a nice person. He lost his fraa and dochder, just like I lost Gideon. We have a lot in common, and we can share our feelings about our grief.”
“There are plenty of people in this community who have experienced loss. You don’t need to search for comfort in the English world. Looking out there will only get you into trouble.” Barbie glanced toward the other end of the porch where a group of women stood talking. “Having an intimate friendship with a man can lead to more than friendship. You may find yourself getting a visit from the deacon and a minister if you aren’t careful with your heart.”
Hannah shook her head. “Mamm, you’re really overreacting. He only stayed for supper and then came to take a tour of the farm. We walked back to the pond and then up to the haus again. That’s it.”
“No, I’m not overreacting.” She glowered, causing the wrinkles around her blue eyes to bunch up together. “You’re disrespecting my son’s memory.”
Tears filled Hannah’s eyes as anger welled up inside her. “I don’t think I’m disrespecting his memory. I’m doing the best I can now that he’s gone.”
Hannah wanted to say more, but she’d been taught to respect her elders, even when she disagreed with them. She felt that no matter what she said or did, Barbie found a way to criticize her. Barbie acted as if she wished Gideon had married someone else.
“You need to calm down or you’ll make a scene.” Barbie raised her eyebrows and then looked past Hannah toward another member of the community who walked over to them. “Oh, hello, Miriam. How are you doing? Is Abner feeling better?”
Hannah stood and walked past Miriam. “Excuse me.” She made her way down the porch steps toward a group of women who were talking. She wanted to disappear into the group unnoticed despite the hurt and disappointment battling within her. She’d long suspected that Barbie had hoped Gideon would marry someone else. Hannah even asked Gideon about it once, and he laughed it off, telling her all that mattered was their love for each other, not their parents’ opinion. But his avoidance of the question also seemed to be a veiled answer, an answer she didn’t want to hear.
“Hannah?” Ruth Ebersol sidled up to her. “Was iss letz?”
“Hi, Ruth. How are you? It was a nice service, ya?” Hannah wiped her eyes. She wished her mother-in-law didn’t have the power to upset her with the sting of her words.
Ruth raised her eyebrows. “Ya, it always is a nice service.”
Hannah pointed toward the house. “Your flowers are so schee. You did a beautiful job in your garden this year.”
“Danki for the compliments, but please stop making small talk about my garden and my flowers.” Ruth placed her hand on Hannah’s shoulder. “Let’s go talk.”
Hannah followed Ruth toward the pasture where they stood by the fence. Hannah looked over at the other young people talking and spotted Amanda sitting with her friend Nancy.
Ruth leaned in close. “What’s bothering you?”
Hannah shared the stories of Trey’s two visits, her conversation with Lillian, and her conversation with Barbie. Ruth listened, nodding occasionally. Her blank expression held no hint of judgment or disappointment, which was a relief to Hannah.
“I can see why you’re upset, but I think maybe Barbie is just trying to protect you.”
Hannah shook her head. “No, it’s not that. She’s always criticized me. No matter what I do, it’s wrong, whether it’s hanging out the laundry or making lunch for my kinner. But now she’s trying to hurt me by telling mei kinner what I do wrong.”
Ruth frowned. “I guess you’re right. You’ve mentioned before that she was hard on you. Maybe she’s worried about you and the kinner since Gideon is gone. She just doesn’t know how to express how much she misses her son, so she takes it out on you.”
“I don’t know. I always thought she wished Gideon had married someone else. I know he dated another maedel for a short period of time before we met. Maybe she wanted him to marry her instead of me.”
“That’s a little odd. She should be froh that Gideon had a wunderbaar marriage, even for a short time.”
Hannah nodded. “I know I can’t change how she feels about me, but I wish I could at least smooth things over. We have to get along. We’re family.”
Ruth smiled. “Let me share one of my favorite Scripture verses with you. It’s from Colossians: ‘Make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.’“ She squeezed Hannah’s hand. “I think that’s gut advice, ya? Pray for the Lord to soften Barbie’s heart and let your conversations always be full of grace. If you do that, you can’t go wrong.”
Hannah smiled. “You’re right. Danki, Ruth.”
Ruth’s smile faded. “You don’t have feelings for Mr. Peterson, do you?”
“I see now that being his freind may jeopardize my relationship with my kinner and possibly even my community.” Hannah felt her lips turn down in a frown. “I need to tell him that we can’t be freinden anymore.”
Ruth studied Hannah for a moment and then tilted her head. “Just guard your heart well. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
Hannah opened her mouth to insist her heart wasn’t in jeopardy but was interrupted by Ruth’s son, Solomon, along with his wife and Ruth’s four grandchildren as they walked up and began talking. Hannah smiled, but her thoughts were still focused on Ruth’s advice. Why was Ruth worried about Hannah’s heart? After all, Trey was only her friend. How could anything possibly go wrong when she explained to him that the
ir friendship could cause problems for her in her community? He’d understand, and they would go their separate ways.
She suddenly realized that she had begun to think of Mr. Peterson as “Trey.” Although she called him by a formal name when they spoke, her thoughts of him were less than formal. The realization caused her to ponder what that meant. Was she developing deep feelings for him?
She turned toward the youth group and found Lillian standing with Leroy King. She thought back to the time when she and Gideon had fallen in love. Just like Lillian and Leroy, they’d known each other for years, but didn’t truly notice each other until they were older.
Hannah looked back toward Ruth and her family while she contemplated how God worked to provide love for people. Just like God, love was mysterious and often appeared when folks least expected it. She wondered if God would provide love for her again in her life or if she’d already had her opportunity.
Although Hannah didn’t know if she’d ever find another man to love, she knew one thing for certain—she loved her family and community and didn’t want to risk losing them.
Later, at the youth gathering, Amanda smoothed her dress over her knees and then hugged her arms around her legs while sitting on the grass next to her best friend, Nancy. The warm afternoon sun kissed her cheeks and she smiled. Spring was her favorite time of year.
“Do you want to play volleyball?” Nancy gestured toward the group of teenagers choosing teams by the net. “We can go join if you want.”
“No, danki.” Amanda tented her hand over her eyes. “I’d rather sit here in the sun.”
Nancy elbowed her in the arm. “There’s sun over there too.”
“I know.” Amanda shrugged. “You can go if you want. I know you just want to get on Manny Kauffman’s team.”
“No, that’s not true. I like playing volleyball. It’s good exercise.”
Amanda chuckled and rested her chin on her knee. “Ya. Exercise.”
“Your schweschder is getting awfully cozy with Leroy King.” Nancy nodded toward the group standing near the volleyball net.
“Ya, she is.” Amanda watched her sister push her glasses farther up on her nose, the nervous habit she’d had since they were little. “I tease her, but I really think they’d make a cute couple.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
Nancy angled her body toward Amanda. “You tease me about Manny and you tease Lily about Leroy, but you seem to be the only maedel I know who doesn’t have a crush.”
Amanda shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I haven’t met the right bu yet.” She pulled at a blade of grass and did her best to avoid her friend’s probing stare.
“There has to be someone you like.”
“No, not really.” Amanda shook her head.
“Amanda?” Nancy leaned over. “Are you hiding something from me?”
“Don’t be gegisch. I don’t like anyone in our youth group.” She shrugged.
“So you like someone from another youth group?” Nancy’s smile was wide, revealing her pearly white, perfectly straight teeth.
“No, I really don’t.” Amanda rubbed her hands together, sending blades of grass flying through the air like green confetti. “I’m certain I’ll find someone. There’s no rush, right? We’re only sixteen, and we’re not even baptized.” She hoped that explanation would satisfy her friend.
Nancy nodded, and Amanda felt her shoulders relax.
“Do you still want to play volleyball?” Amanda stood and swiped her hands across her apron. “Let’s go.”
Amanda followed Nancy over to the group standing by the net. When Lillian caught her eye, Amanda winked at her, and Lillian’s eyes widened with embarrassment. Amanda wondered if she’d ever find a boy who made her blush the way Leroy made Lily blush. But the truth was, she wasn’t worried about finding a boy to like; she was more interested in following her true dream—going to college and becoming a veterinarian. She just didn’t want anyone, including Nancy, to know about that—at least, not yet.
Later that afternoon, Hannah sat up front in the buggy as Joshua guided the horse up the driveway toward her farm.
“It’s a beautiful day.” Josh glanced over at her.
“Ya, it is.” Hannah looked back toward Andrew. “It will be quiet in the haus since your sisters are gone to their youth gathering.”
“Ya.” Andrew grinned. “Are you going to stay and visit, Onkel Josh?”
Josh brought the horse to a stop in front of the barn and then turned to Hannah. “Ya, I think I might stay for a while.”
“That will be nice.” Hannah climbed out of the buggy.
“Ya!” Andrew jumped out of the buggy behind her. “I’ll go change into my work clothes.” He ran toward the house.
Hannah started toward the house. “I’ll make us a snack.”
“Wait.” Josh cleared his throat. “I have something for you.”
“Oh?” Hannah watched with curiosity as he retrieved something from the back of the buggy.
“I was going to save this for your birthday, but I couldn’t wait to give it to you.” He handed her a wooden stand with prongs. “It’s for your spools. I heard Amanda tell you once that she had a difficult time finding the thread she needed because they weren’t organized. I thought this might help you keep your spools together.”
“Oh, Joshua.” Hannah took the gift, and her heart warmed at the gesture. “This is wonderful. Danki. I can definitely use this. I constantly misplace my spools.”
He smiled. “I’m froh you can use it.”
Hannah ran her fingers over the smooth prongs and wondered how much time it took him to craft the spool holder. “You must have put a lot of effort into this.”
Josh shrugged. “I like doing woodworking. I probably would’ve been a carpenter if Gideon hadn’t convinced me to go into business with him.”
“I’m so touched that you thought of me.” She smiled at him. “You’re very thoughtful.”
His expression became intense. “I always think of you, Hannah. In fact, I think of you all the time.”
Hannah’s breath caught as she stared into his eager eyes. For a brief moment she wondered if she truly belonged with someone like Joshua instead of Trey. Joshua was a good, loyal, hardworking, and honest Amish man. Wasn’t he the right choice for her? But then Hannah admitted to herself that she had been considering how Trey could give her something she’d always wanted—the ability to live her dream of owning a bed and breakfast. Just as quickly, Hannah thought about her children and the problems her relationship with Trey could cause for them, and she found herself confused again. Where did she belong?
“Hannah?” Joshua tilted his head in question as he studied her. “Are you okay?”
“Ya.” She forced a smile and then gestured toward the house. “I’m going to put this in the sewing room and organize my spools. Danki again for the lovely gift. I will put it to good use.” She started toward the house while wondering if she could ever sort through her confused feelings.
NINE
Monday morning, Hannah studied her clipboard and marked off the room she’d just cleaned. She cupped her hand to her mouth to stifle a yawn. She’d spent most of the night staring at the ceiling and contemplating her jumbled feelings for Trey and Joshua. She was surprised and overwhelmed by the thoughtful gift Joshua had given her. He’d spent the rest of the afternoon visiting with Hannah and Andrew, and she found herself marveling at the sight of Andrew and Joshua together. She wondered again if she belonged with Joshua, the man who’d stood by her through her husband’s death. If she were with Joshua, she’d be able to stay in a life she knew and loved.
However, Trey’s image crept into her thoughts throughout the night. She couldn’t forget the intensity of his touch when he’d held her hands while they shared a coffee break on Friday. She also thought about their walk around her farm on Saturday. Her feelings for Trey were palpable and his plans for the bed and breakfast filled her with
excitement and longing for a new life, even though they pointed to an uncharted road.
Yet she knew a relationship with Trey would be complicated and would cause many problems for her family. She needed to end the relationship now, even though the idea was breaking her heart.
She looked down the hallway toward Trey’s room, and her stomach tightened. She’d considered asking to switch floors with Linda to avoid seeing him, but she knew that was the coward’s way out. She had to face him and tell him they could no longer be friends, and one way to see him was to clean the third floor and hope they ran into each other. She’d spent most of the ride to the hotel this morning planning what she’d say to Trey when she saw him. She prayed she could remember everything she wanted to tell him.
Hannah approached another room, knocked, announced herself, and then unlocked it. After propping the door open, she moved into the bathroom and grabbed the used towels slung over the shower door and then headed toward the cart in the hallway to grab new ones. She stepped through the doorway and almost bumped into Trey.
“Ach!” She dropped the towels into the bin on the cart. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there.”
“No, I’m the one who should be sorry.” He shook his head. “I didn’t mean to startle you. I was hoping you were working up here today. I wanted to see how you’re doing. Did you enjoy the rest of your weekend?”
Hannah looked up at him and tried to remember the speech she’d mentally practiced during the ride into work this morning. Yet the sight of his handsome face caused her speech to evaporate from her mind. “My weekend was fine. How about yours? Did you look at more houses?”
“I did.” Trey folded his arms over his chest. “I still like the first one the best. I’m thinking about making an offer on it soon.”
“Gut.” Hannah fingered her apron while contemplating what to say next. “I’m sorry about Saturday. My mother-in-law has a way of expressing her opinions without considering other people’s feelings.”
He shrugged. “You don’t need to apologize. My grandmother was the same way. We never knew what she’d say. There’s no need to feel bad or embarrassed. I know our friendship is unusual, to say the least.”
