by Amy Clipston
Hannah felt tears fill her eyes, and she hoped she wouldn’t cry. “Lily, I pray that someday you’ll realize why I’m doing this.”
Lillian faced her with anger shining in her eyes. “No, Mamm. I never will understand why you would choose to break up our family.”
Hannah heaved a heavy sigh and wished she knew the correct words to heal her daughter’s broken heart. She prayed God would someday remove the wedge between them.
Barbie returned to the kitchen. “Eli is on his way.” Barbie turned to Lillian. “Why don’t you finish those kichlin later? Bring the meadow tea to the table, and I’ll get glasses.”
Lillian rolled the dough back up, placed it in a bowl, and stuck it in the refrigerator. She then brought a platter of peanut butter cookies and a pitcher of tea to the table before sitting across from Hannah. Lillian grabbed a cookie from the platter. “These are my favorite.”
“I know, mei liewe.” Barbie smiled. “I was thinking of you when I made them.”
“Wie geht’s.” Eli stepped into the kitchen and washed his hands at the sink. “Gut to see you.”
“It’s gut to see you too.” Hannah’s stomach clenched. Gideon had resembled his father. She prayed she could look into Eli’s eyes and share her decision to leave the church without feeling as if she were disappointing Gideon.
Barbie and Eli sat across from Hannah, leaving her the only person on her side of the long table. She felt isolated and alone, and she wondered if that was what it felt like to be shunned.
Eli studied Hannah. “I had a feeling you’d come to see us.” He palmed a cookie from the plate and bit into it. “Mmm. Very gut, Barbie.”
“Danki.” Barbie helped herself to a cookie.
Hannah took a deep breath and tried to remember the speech she’d prepared on her way over to her in-laws’ house. She suddenly felt at a loss for words. “First, I want to thank you for taking in Lillian.”
Barbie frowned. “Of course we welcome our grossdochder into our haus. We would never turn away our grandkinner. In fact, we would never kick out our kind either.”
Hannah scowled. “I didn’t kick out my kind. She chose to leave.”
“You left me no choice.” Lillian’s eyes filled with tears.
“Lily, that’s not true.” Hannah’s voice trembled. She looked back and forth between her in-laws. “You already know I’m leaving the church. I’m here to tell you my reasons for my decision.”
“Are you going to tell the bishop?” Barbie asked.
Hannah nodded. “Ya, I’m going to tell him later today.”
“So you haven’t changed your mind, even after your dochder left you?” Barbie’s tone was accusatory.
Hannah paused and wished she had someone to defend her. She felt as if she were fighting an uphill battle with Lillian and Barbie. “No, I haven’t changed my mind.”
Eli frowned and shook his head. “I’m very sorry to hear this. Are you certain this is what you want to do?”
“Ya, I’m certain, but it wasn’t an easy decision.” She paused to prevent herself from crying. “I’ve prayed about it, and I’ve come up with the same conclusion each time—God is leading me to a new life outside of this community.”
Eli fingered his long, white beard. “I don’t know what to say, Hannah. This has been a shock to me.” He gestured toward his wife. “Barbie told me you had a freind who was English, but I’d hoped it was an innocent friendship and not a relationship that would lead you away from the community.”
“Believe me, I’m just as surprised as you are.” Hannah picked up a paper napkin and began to fray the edges. “I’ve wondered why God has presented this path to me after I’ve spent my whole life in the Amish community. I love this community. It’s been my home since I was born, and I never imagined leaving it. It doesn’t make sense, but I can’t deny myself the opportunity to live the life God wants me to live.”
Barbie shook her head. “This isn’t right, Hannah. You can’t take our grandkinner away from us. They’re all we have left of Gideon.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes. “You’re breaking my heart. And I know this would break Gideon’s heart as well. He would never want this for his kinner.”
“I’m not taking your grandkinner away from you, Barbie. I’d never keep my kinner from their family.” Hannah looked at Eli. “You know they love you both dearly, and they will want to see you as often as they can. Joshua too. He said this morning that he wants to stay in the children’s lives. You may have heard that Trey is opening a bed and breakfast here in Paradise, so we’ll be living close by.”
“But this is wrong.” Barbie tapped the table with her finger. “Gideon built that horse farm with his heart and soul. He wanted to have a gut, steady income for his kinner. You’re betraying his memory by taking his kinner from that farm.” She gestured toward Lillian. “What about Lillian? You’re abandoning her. How can a mamm abandon her kind?”
Lillian nodded with emphasis. “Mammi is right. If it weren’t for her, I’d be homeless.”
“Ach, of course you’re welcome here, Lily.” Barbie wiped her eyes with a napkin and then turned to Eli. “We love having her here, don’t we, Eli?”
“Of course we do.” Eli’s eyes glittered with tears. “You’re always willkumm here.” He turned to Hannah. “I don’t understand why you would break up your family like this, Hannah. Have you really thought this through? You’ll be shunned, and your kinner will be caught in the middle between you and the community.”
Hannah took a deep breath and prayed she could respond to their accusations with grace and respect. “My kinner will not be caught in the middle. Amanda and Andrew are going with me, and Lily will be fine here. I want to see her as often as she’ll see me.”
Lillian glared at Hannah and then wiped her tears.
Hannah cleared her throat before she continued speaking. “I know what will happen when I leave the community, but I have to follow my heart. I’ve prayed about this, and I do have my kinner’s best interests in mind.”
“But you’re breaking our hearts.” Barbie shook her head as tears flowed from her eyes. “I know I’ve been hard on you over the years, but I always thought you did the best you could with the kinner. I never imagined you’d do something like this. I don’t understand, Hannah. This is nonsense. Gideon wanted his kinner to be Amish. He would never give his blessing for this, Hannah.”
“Gideon isn’t here anymore, Mamm. I have to do what I think is best.” Hannah’s voice shook with emotion. “I’ll let you know when I’m ready to move out of your haus. Joshua said he wants to move in. He’s going to buy my portion of the horse business from me.”
Barbie wiped her eyes with a crinkled napkin. “Do you realize what you’re doing? You’re uprooting your kinner for purely selfish reasons, Hannah. How can you do this with a clear conscience?”
“Mamm, I told you. I’ve prayed about this, and I’ve struggled with all of the consequences of my decision.” Hannah wiped her eyes with a napkin and then paused to gather her thoughts. “I believe Gideon would want me to be froh. This is the path that will make me froh. And I’ve always wanted to work in a place like a bed and breakfast, so I know I will enjoy being with Trey in the one he’s opening here in Paradise. I’m not betraying Gideon’s memory. I’m doing what I believe is right for my family and me. Lillian has asked to stay in the community, and she wants to be with you. I hope you’ll allow Amanda and Andrew to visit you often and be a part of your lives. Even if they aren’t members of the church, they’re still your family. They still need to know what it means to be Amish, and you can show them. They are a part of Gideon, and they want to continue to be close to you both.”
Eli pulled at his beard. “I don’t agree with what you’re doing, but, of course, we will welcome them into our haus.”
Hannah nodded. “Gut. Danki, Dat.”
Barbie nodded stiffly. “I won’t punish my grandkinner for your horrible decisions.” She regarded Lillian with a sad smile. “We’re froh yo
u’re here, Lily.”
Hannah stood. “I hope you all will understand my decision someday.” She turned to Lillian. “Ich liebe dich, mei liewe. I hope you will visit us. We all miss you.”
Lillian shook her head while still frowning. “I need some time to sort this out.”
“I respect that.” Hannah said good-bye and then started toward the front door.
As Hannah stepped outside, she sent up a little prayer to God, asking him to heal her broken relationship with her daughter. She climbed into the buggy and guided the horse as fresh tears sprinkled her warm cheeks.
Hannah stopped the horse at the end of the driveway in front of the bishop’s two-story white house. She wiped her tears and then prayed for the right words before making her way up the front porch steps and knocking on the door.
Elmer opened the door. “Hannah. I was expecting a visit from you.” He pointed toward the chairs on the porch. “Would you like to sit down?”
“Danki.” Hannah sat on the chair and looked toward her waiting buggy. “I’m certain you know Melvin and Jonas came to see me. They were concerned I was going to leave the church, and they asked me if I wanted a meeting called with the baptized members of the congregation.”
Elmer leaned back in the chair. “They told me you said you weren’t planning to leave. Have you now made a decision otherwise?”
Hannah nodded. “After many prayers, I truly believe God is leading me toward a new life. I plan to leave the church.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” Elmer frowned. “You’ll be missed at church. You and your family are a part of our community and that makes you our family.” He paused a moment. “Do you know what this means, Hannah? Have you really thought about the consequences of your decision?”
“I have.” Hannah nodded. “I’ve thought about it, I’ve cried about it, and I’ve prayed about it. I know this is the path God has chosen for me. You have to understand, I didn’t come to this decision easily. It’s the most difficult decision I’ve made in my life.”
Elmer pulled on his long beard. “You were born into this community. Your ancestors were Amish. I knew your parents and your grandparents. You’ve always had a strong faith, so I don’t understand how you can give up the only life you’ve ever known. I’m not judging you, but I want to understand your decision.”
She paused to gather her thoughts. “I never imagined I would leave the community, but Gideon left me with a broken heart. I thought I would marry another Amish man, but I never found the right person. When I met Trey Peterson, my heart came alive again, and we are going to build a life together. We plan to open a bed and breakfast, which is actually a dream I’ve always had. Trey is a good Christian man, and he will be a wonderful role model for my kinner. He also lost his spouse tragically—as well as his daughter—and we understand each other well.”
Elmer heaved a deep sigh. “Your kinner will have a difficult time adjusting to life outside their community. Have you considered how this will affect them?”
“I have.” Hannah explained how Lillian had moved in with her grandparents, while Amanda was considering going to college someday. She also told him that she planned to move out of her house and sell her business to Joshua.
“This will be a huge adjustment for you, Hannah. You’re going to face some challenges.” He tapped the arm of the chair. “Just remember you’ll be welcome to come back at any time after you confess in front of the congregation. We all pray that our members who have left will return.”
“Danki.” Hannah stood. “I need to get home to my kinner. I appreciate your time.”
“Good-bye.” Elmer waved.
Hannah headed toward the buggy and felt as if she were starting out on a new and exciting journey.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Hannah guided the horse back to the barn. She’d spent the ride back to her farm considering the bishop’s words and wondering what to do next. Now that she’d made her decision public, she felt lost and a little confused. She prayed again that Lillian would someday forgive her and respect her decision to leave the faith.
Hannah unhitched the horse and walked it toward the stable. She felt as if she were walking through a dream. The decision to leave the church had her reeling. Yet saying the words aloud to the bishop made it all feel concrete. She knew the choice to leave had come from God, and she was following both her heart and the path he had laid out for her. Now she needed to tell Trey that she’d made her choice.
She stowed the horse and then glanced toward the room where the phone was. She wondered where Trey was today. She longed to see him and tell him that she was ready to start her life with him.
Her heart thudded in her chest as she made her way to the phone. She wanted to meet him somewhere special when she told him the news. She smiled as she lifted the receiver and dialed her driver’s number. After she set up her plan with Phyllis, she would call Trey and tell him where to meet her.
Trey’s iPhone rang in his pocket as he crossed the grocery store parking lot. He balanced his bag of groceries in one hand while pulling the phone from his pocket with the other. “Hello?”
“Hi, Trey. How are you?” Hannah’s voice was soft on the other end of the line, and his heart skipped a beat. He’d been praying for her and hoping she’d make a decision about his proposal. Of course, he wanted her to accept the proposal, but he’d tried to prepare his heart for a rejection just in case she didn’t say yes.
“Hannah. I was hoping to hear from you.” He weaved through the sea of cars toward his sedan parked in the back. “I’m fine. How are you doing?”
“I’m well.”
“I’ve missed you at the hotel. Ruth told me you’d taken a few days off.” He unlocked his car and climbed in, placing his bag of groceries in the seat beside him. “Is everything okay with you and your family?”
“Ya, we’re fine. I just needed a few days off to think about everything.”
“Oh.” He thought about his conversation with Ruth. “Did you get the message I sent through Ruth?”
“I did.” She hesitated, and he held his breath, hoping that she wasn’t calling to reject him. “It’s a beautiful day out, ya?”
“Yes, it is.” He looked up at the bright blue, cloudless sky through his windshield and wondered if she was stalling. Is she trying to figure out the right words to say good-bye to me?
“I was wondering if you could meet me out by your new house in about ten minutes. I’ve called a driver, and she’s coming to get me.”
“Oh.” Hope swelled within him. Maybe this will be good news. “You don’t have to hire a driver. I can pick you up.”
“That’s not necessary. I’ll meet you out there. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”
“Sounds good. I just have to stop by the hotel and drop off my groceries.” He disconnected the call and prayed Hannah wanted to meet him to accept his proposal and not to shatter his heart.
Hannah fingered the ties on her prayer covering while standing in the driveway at Trey’s new house. She’d tried to gather all of her thoughts during the ride over in Phyllis’s car. After she paid Phyllis and thanked her for the ride, Hannah found herself staring at the house and wondering what she was going to say.
Trey’s shiny car steered into the driveway, and her stomach fluttered. Her life was going to be changed forever after today, and she felt dizzy with excitement, not fear.
“Hannah.” He climbed from the car and walked over to her. “I was really glad to hear from you.”
She gestured toward the backyard. “Would you take a walk with me?”
“Of course. How’s your family?”
“They’re all well. Amanda and Andrew are doing chores right now. Lily is at her grandparents’ house. She moved out yesterday.”
Trey’s eyes widened. “Lily moved out?”
“She wanted to stay with her grandmother, and I had to let her go. It was her decision.”
“Hannah.” The concern in Trey’s expression warmed her heart. �
��Are you okay with her leaving?”
“It was difficult, but I’ve accepted it. It will be okay. I’m going to continue to pray that someday she’ll forgive me. Only the Lord can repair the distance between us, and I have faith that he will.” She pushed back her sad emotions and looked up at the house. “Do you have a closing date?”
“Yes, it looks like it’s going to be July 1.” He smiled. “I can’t wait.”
“Have you decided on a name?” She stopped by the pasture fence.
He shook his head. “No, I haven’t had any real inspiration.”
“What do you think about the Heart of Paradise?”
Trey rubbed his chin. “I think I like that. That’s really catchy.”
“I’ve been thinking about this bed and breakfast.” She gestured toward the backyard. “I was wondering what kind of vegetables you’d like me to plant in your garden.”
His eyes rounded. “You’re going to plant a garden?”
“Ya.” She nodded. “Also, I can put together a menu for you to give to your guests. They can have one authentic Amish meal included and then be charged for additional meals.” She then pointed toward the stable. “Joshua said Andrew can work for him on Saturdays, and he can take care of Huckleberry there. But if you want to have a horse on the property, we can bring Huckleberry with us.”
“Hannah.” Trey took her hands in his. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
Hannah removed her prayer covering and unpinned her hair, which fell in waves past her shoulders. She smiled up at his shocked expression. “Yes I will marry you. And Andrew, Amanda, and I would like to help you run your bed and breakfast.”
He breathed out a deep gasp and shook his head. “This is music to my ears, Hannah. Are you certain you want to leave your community for me?”
Hannah nodded. “I’ve spoken to my family, Joshua, Barbie and my father-in-law, and the bishop. I’ve told them all I have to follow my heart and also God’s plan. I think I belong with you.” She reached up and pushed a lock of hair back from his eyes. “I see my future when I look into your eyes, and I feel like I’m home when I visit this house. It will be difficult since not all of my family agrees with this decision, but I know we can build a life together.”
