5. MAKE KISSING COMFORTABLE. Setting the scene is very important to ensure that a kiss goes well, because we strongly associate a good kiss with feelings of security and trust. For the same reason, worrying too much about all the details is counterproductive—cortisol and kissing just don’t match. Stress might ruin the moment before it arrives, or prevent it from happening in the first place.
Not every aspect of a kiss is under your control, but you can definitely boost the likelihood that it will go well. So wait until the mood feels right, and at all costs, don’t rush. When both people feel relaxed and comfortable together, the time is ideal for making a move.
6. THE POWER OF TOUCH. As we’ve observed, our lips have evolved to be one of our body’s most sensitive areas, bringing us pleasure with the lightest brush. Even slight pressure will launch an electric light parade of impulses in the brain and once we have sampled the sensations that can ensue, we crave more. Kissing is like a drug, sending us on a natural high that can be better than any recreational substance. The associated hormones promote our desire to continue.
Still, if you want your partner’s lips to enjoy your kiss, don’t forget to pay attention to other parts of his or her body as well—preferably before the kiss itself happens. Caressing a partner’s back or face can send a cascade of pleasurable signals to the brain, while subduing each person’s level of cortisol and putting you both at greater ease. Hugging, hand-holding, and massage can similarly foster positive feelings of attachment and even love. Tactfully surprising a partner in this manner may make the kiss feel even better, as dopamine revs into high gear because of the added novelty.
7. TRUST YOUR BODY. If a kiss feels “right,” continue. If you sense something’s off, it may be your body’s natural way of saying “stop!” Perhaps you and the person you’re kissing have similar immunities, and you somehow sense that this individual would not make a good mate genetically.
For just as practicing good hygiene is critical to kissing success, the research suggests that even so, it might not be enough. It’s always possible that your particular scent or taste just won’t sit right with your partner, for reasons that our conscious minds can neither understand nor control. Or vice versa. When a kiss does not go as well as you may have hoped, remember there is someone else out there just waiting for you and your chemistry to come along.
8. DON’T RUIN THE MOMENT. There are numerous ways to spoil even the most promising kiss. Avoiding most of them is simply common sense, but understanding the science involved helps as well.
For example, never push another person’s boundaries too far, making him or her feel insecure and more guarded—you’re triggering the wrong hormones. Instead, be as reciprocal as possible, paying attention to a partner’s response without dominating the exchange. Most important, do not overanalyze the situation, but instead let your body take over. Thinking too much will not let you fully experience the moment. Permit yourself—brain and body—the freedom to enjoy the kiss.
Also, remember that alcohol and drugs can alter the kissing experience. So for that critical first one to be memorable, make sure it’s the kiss, rather than chemical substances, that makes it feel good. Otherwise the intense feelings of a special connection may dissipate as their effects wear off.
9. DON’T JUST BE A “GOOD KISSER,” BE A GOOD KISSER FOR YOUR PARTICULAR PARTNER. When two people become accustomed to kissing, they grow attuned to each other’s body language and desires. This means that those we remember most may not have had their technique down to a universal art, but rather were probably gifted at understanding us and when the environment was right to move in. The “best” kissers keep a mate satisfied because they are emotionally and physically receptive to the other person, making him or her feel adored.
To maximize a passionate kissing response, then, it’s best to work at open communication in all aspects of a relationship. A good match depends on far more than compatible kissing. Common values, shared experiences, sensitive timing, and compatible goals can make the difference between a fleeting experience or lifetime commitment. Above all, trust and honesty between two people allow them to develop a deep sense of what the other person needs.
10. KISS REGULARLY AND OFTEN. Once you’ve found someone special, a kiss works to maintain the strong partnership you share by helping to keep passion alive—with plenty of assistance from those hormones and neurotransmitters. Lots of kissing is a telltale sign of a healthy relationship, because the connection fosters a sense of security through companionship—which in turn has been physiologically linked to happiness.
At the close of this journey, we have begun to understand a great deal of the science of kissing. But as with most endeavors of this sort, we’re also left with more questions and avenues worth pursuing.
What science has only begun to explore, with some fancy tools and lots of fresh ideas, poets and artists have already sought to comprehend for millennia, writing sonnets and creating masterpieces based on this single theme. Explorers, too, pondered the strange kissing-like behaviors they observed around the globe. As “enlightened” Europeans, they felt their particular form of kissing made them superior. Today, by contrast, we know that kissing is a practice echoed across the animal kingdom and that in fact it unites people rather than dividing them.
If there’s a single message you take away from this book, I hope it will be this: Don’t give up on romance. A kiss can be one of the most extraordinary shared experiences between two people and understanding the science behind it can help to improve each moment.
On the Science of Kissing
When it comes to matters of the heart, the kiss has evolved to foster feelings of connection, romance, and intimacy—feelings that, when the match is right, may be promoted indefinitely between individuals. It can be scientifically investigated, studied, and even dissected from every angle, but in the end we’re left with one real and firm conclusion. Kissing is a type of universal language, best interpreted by those involved in the exchange.
And so the kiss persists through time, over generations and among peoples, across latitudes and longitudes. It will continue to motivate lovers, actors, writers, and all of us. For no matter how it began, why we do it, and where it takes place, a kiss often celebrates perhaps the greatest emotion of all: love.
Acknowledgments
I could not have completed this book without the support of so many individuals who guided me along the journey. For helpful readings, feedback, and advice, I’d like to thank my longtime colleague and dear friend Chris Mooney. His thought-provoking ideas frequently found their way into the manuscript as my research progressed, and it is with Chris’s encouragement that I’ve evolved from scientist to writer.
I am also extremely grateful to Vanessa Woods for support and companionship during long hours writing together. Our afternoon conversations often led to serious questions investigated in the book. Vanessa’s work and research on bonobos particularly helped to inform chapters 1 and 2. Thanks also to her husband, Duke anthropologist Brian Hare. He illuminated many ideas included on animal behavior and provided excellent insight into the lives of dogs and primates.
Vilayanur S. Ramachandran deserves credit for suggesting that I consider the science of kissing seriously as a book idea, and I am grateful for his support.
Thanks to Al Teich and Jill Pace for co-organizing the 2009 American Association for the Advancement of Science symposium on “The Science of Kissing.” Many thoughtful discussions with them about the role of science in society influenced the topics covered.
I am indebted to anthropologist Vaughn Bryant and classicist Donald Lateiner for providing me with a very vast amount of information about the history of kissing. They brought chapters 3 and 4 to life with fascinating anecdotes from the literature. Tremendous thanks as well to my wonderful agent Sydelle Kramer, who helped foster early ideas and develop questions to pursue. Also to my fantastic editor Emily Griffin, for adding greater depth and dimension to each chapter, and Rola
nd Ottewell, for scrupulous attention to details.
I’m grateful to Stuart Pimm and members of the Duke community for workspace and stimulating conversations about science, kissing, and the science of kissing. Thanks to Austin Luton for help with translations, fact-checking, and assisting with the editing process. Also to Michael Nitabach, Helen Fisher, Gordon Gallup, Sarah Woodley, Lawrence Krauss, Melissa Bates, Bethany Brookshire, Tara Smith, Howard Nusbaum, John Bohannon, Catharine and Bora Zivkovic, and Yuying Zhang for answering my technical questions related to their expertise. Thanks to Pam Epstein for providing historical context for the New York Herald newspaper advertisement. And to Michael Burkley, John Renish, Jessica Franken, Geran Smith, and Joseph Flasher, for volunteering to help with research online.
For photographs and art, I’m grateful to Nicolas Devos, Wim Delvoye, Vanessa Woods, Ariel Soto, Marika Cifor, Alexandra Williams, the Space Telescope Science Institute, and the London Museum of Natural History. Also to Discover magazine’s Web editors Amos Zeeberg and Gemma Shusterman, who have organized a “Science of Kissing Gallery” to feature collected kisses from across time, space, and species (http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/intersection/science-of-kissing-gallery/). Additionally, Amos and our Discover magazine colleague Eliza Strickland were kind enough to participate in the MEG kissing experiment featured in chapter 10.
Tremendous thanks to David Poeppel and his incredible lab at New York University, who collaborated with me in developing the neuroscience study. This group deserves very special recognition for taking my idea seriously enough to bravely run the kissing experiment. The team offered endless hours of time, patience, and encouragement, and I learned a great deal from our work together. Gregory Cogan helped enormously with data analysis and provided fine hospitality during my visit to New York University. He also assisted with the neuroscience information throughout the book. Thanks to Katherine Yoshida for guiding the methods of the investigation, Jeff Walker for running the MEG, Christine Boylan for measuring my head, Tobias Overath for safely sending me through the fMRI machine, additional lab members Xing Tian and Yue Zhang, and the hundreds of Discover magazine blog readers who participated in my preliminary kissing survey.
This book would not have been possible without a lifetime of love from Mom, Dad, Seth, Jen, and Rose. Thanks also to Rebecca McElroy for decades of informal discussion on the subject and Samantha Brooke, Benjamin Baron-Taltre, and Dan Cashman for encouragement when I needed it most.
Finally, very special thanks to my husband and muse David Lowry. He read many early versions of this manuscript, offering an interesting perspective that led to several new directions as I continued writing. An amazing field and lab biologist, he often helped get the details right whenever I had questions. David provides unending support for even my most outlandish ideas with boundless optimism, enthusiasm, and love.
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