by Duncan Ball
For Selby Tso
(a very cute puppy named after the Selby of this book)
Contents
Cover
Action!
Mrs T Gets a Life
Wishful Thinking
I Dreamt I Woke Up Very Small
Selby Sleep-talks
Selby Sausage
Mushy Stuff
Counting on Selby
Selby’s Smile
Sue the Gymnast
Selby’s Good Deed
Selby’s Grand Pree
Shotgun Sally
A Gnome Poem
Selby’s Stardom
It’s a Wrap!
Acknowledgements
About the Author
By the Same Author
Author’s Note
Copyright
Action!
Mrs T Gets a Life
‘Guess what?’ Mrs Trifle said when she came home from work. ‘Melanie Mildew has invited me to her very first drawing class.’
‘A drawing class?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I never knew you were interested in drawing.’
‘Oh, I don’t have to do the drawing part,’ Mrs Trifle explained. ‘She wants me to be the model. It all started when I made that speech about bringing some culture to Bogusville. Melanie thought of the idea of having drawing classes and she asked me if I’d pose.’
‘Pose? You, a model?’
‘It’s not like being one of those skinny fashion models,’ Mrs Trifle said with a blush. ‘Melanie just wants me to stand there and be me.’ ‘Well, that should be easy.’
‘The hard part is standing still for an hour while the class draws me. I guess this is what they call a still life.’
‘I don’t think so,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘A still life would be a drawing of a bowl of fruit or something. You don’t look anything like a bowl of fruit.’
‘You say the nicest things, dear,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Anyway, the life-drawing class will be at Melanie’s house tomorrow at midday.’
‘Life-drawing?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Isn’t life-drawing when you draw a picture of someone who is … well … who is …?’
‘Who is what?’
‘You know.’
‘No, I don’t. Tell me.’
‘As I understand it, life-drawing is drawing people who don’t have any clothes on.’
‘No clothes on? Me?’ Mrs Trifle said. Mrs Trifle thought for a while and then she said, ‘Surely Melanie doesn’t want me to pose like that in front of all twelve women in her class.’
‘I think she does.’
‘Goodness me! I don’t know what to think,’ Mrs Trifle said.
Selby was just waking up from his nap and was half in a dream as the Trifles talked. In his dream he pictured Mrs Trifle standing in front of Melanie’s drawing class totally nude. Suddenly his eyes snapped open in horror.
‘Thank heavens it was only a dream,’ he thought.
‘I can’t pose in the nude,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I’m just not a nude sort of person. But I don’t know how to get out of it. Melanie did say I could get someone else to pose instead of me, but I couldn’t possibly ask someone else to do something that I’m not prepared to do.’
‘Good point,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Then you’ll just have to do it.’
‘I can’t believe it!’ Selby thought. ‘It wasn’t just a dream! I can’t let Mrs Trifle let people see her in the nuddy! Nude is rude! I’ve got to get her out of it!’
That afternoon, Selby paced around the back yard wondering what to do.
‘I’ll ring Melanie,’ he thought, ‘and pretend I’m Mrs Trifle and I’ll just tell her that I can’t do it.’
Selby dashed indoors and then crept into the study. He found Mrs Trifle’s mobile phone and dialled Melanie Mildrew’s number.
‘Hello, Melanie,’ Selby said, doing his best imitation of Mrs Trifle’s voice. ‘It’s me, Mrs Trifle.’
‘Hi, Mrs T, this must be a bad line, it doesn’t sound like you. Can you speak up?’
‘I would, but I don’t want to wake Selby,’ Selby said. ‘I’m calling about the life-drawing class.’
‘Oh, yes,’ Melanie replied. ‘It’s wonderful of you to agree to pose for us.’
‘I know, but —’
‘Everyone is so looking forward to drawing a real live nude,’ she added.
‘Well, yes,’ Selby said. ‘I mean no. I don’t think I can do it?’
‘Why not?’
‘Because … I-I’d be too embarrassed to stand there in the nuddy — I mean, the nude.’
‘Mrs Trifle, this isn’t about nudity. It’s about art. Haven’t you ever seen old paintings with naked people in them?’
‘Yes, but they were painted long, long ago and in foreign countries where people were different. Maybe they hadn’t invented clothes yet. In Bogusville we always keep our clothes on.’
‘Tell me about it,’ Melanie said. ‘That’s why I was so glad you agreed to do it. I think there are people in this town who shower with their clothes on.’
‘That wouldn’t surprise me,’ Selby said.
‘But you’re the mayor,’ Melanie said. ‘You’re a leader. You have vision. You’re brave. And you’re going to lead this town to culture and sophistication, aren’t you?’
‘Would it be okay if I kept my clothes on?’ Selby asked.
‘Heavens no! My students don’t want to draw clothes. If they did we could have the drawing class in a clothing shop. Besides, this is a life-drawing class and they wouldn’t have signed up if they weren’t going to draw people in the nude.’
‘They could draw my face. My face could be nude.’
‘Faces are very difficult to draw. Bodies are so much easier. Just remember when you’re standing there without any clothes on that this is art. And when it’s art it’s okay to be nude. We’ll be expecting you at midday, okay?’
‘Well, I guess so,’ Selby said. ‘At least only twelve people have signed up for the course and they’re all women.’
‘Yes, they are. Hmmm, I wonder if I could get some men to sign up too? You’ve given me a great idea! Thanks, Mrs Trifle!’
Click.
‘Hey, hang on,’ Selby said. ‘Oh, no, she’s hung up. And now she wants to get men in the class too! And it’s all my fault.’
For the next hour, Selby felt himself getting angrier and angrier.
‘I shouldn’t have let that Melanie talk me into it,’ he thought. ‘The problem with Mrs Trifle is that she’s just too polite. And when I pretend I’m Mrs Trifle, I get all polite too! I’ve got to be tough. I’ll use Mrs T’s voice but I’ve got to be me. I’ve got to stand up to Melanie.’
Selby was back on the phone to Melanie in a flash.
‘I was just about to ring you,’ Melanie said. ‘There’s been a change in plans.’
‘You’ve called it off?’ Selby asked.
‘No, I’ve moved the class. We’re in the meeting room in the library now. We’ve had to change the venue because my house is too small for forty-five people.’
‘Forty-five people?!’
‘Yes, all the women’s husbands have signed up and there are twenty-one new people. Isn’t that great?’
‘But—but—but —’ Selby started.
‘Hang on, I’ve got to be tough,’ he thought. ‘She’s not going to steamroll this dog into anything.’
‘Melanie,’ Selby said very firmly, but still using his Mrs Trifle voice. ‘I’m not doing it. I’m sorry but I’m just not. You can get someone else.’
‘I can’t get anyone else to pose,’ Melanie said. ‘Before I asked you, I think I asked just about everyone else in Bogusville.’
‘You did?’
‘Mrs Trifle,’ Melanie added, ‘remember all the work I did on the Ro
se Garden last year? The council didn’t have any money to pay me so I said I’d do it for free — and I did. You said you owed me a favour. And guess what.’
‘What?’
‘It’s favour time,’ Melanie sang. ‘And now you, the mayor of the town and the most trusted person in the community, want to break your pledge, your sacred word of honour. You said that you wanted to bring culture to Bogusville. And now when you have a chance, you’re going to let the citizens of this wonderful town down …’
Selby could hear the sound of sniffles and then sobs.
‘Mel? I mean, Melanie?’
‘All my life I’ve been (sniff) working to make Bogusville a better place (sob). I’ve tended the public gardens — sometimes without even getting paid for it (sniff) — and I’ve acted in plays for people’s enjoyment. And now I’m trying to bring culture to this town. Is that such a (sob) terrible thing?’
‘Okay, okay, okay,’ Selby said. ‘Mrs Trifle — I mean, I — will do it.’
‘You’ll never regret this, Mrs Trifle!’
‘I don’t know about that. But as long as it is only those forty-five pe ople. I’d hate it if word spread about this.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean the way things are going, the next thing we know there will be posters about your life-drawing class all over Bogusville.’
‘Posters?’
‘Yes and letters in everybody’s mailboxes.’
‘Letters?’
‘And ads in the Bogusville Banner.‘
‘Newspaper ads?’
‘Okay, so I’m exaggerating,’ Selby said using Mrs Trifle’s voice. ‘But I’m sure you get my point.’
‘Yes, I certainly do.’
Click.
‘Melanie? Mel? Yoo hoo. Oh, bother, she hung up.’
Selby slept badly that night — when he slept at all. All night long he was haunted by visions of Mrs Trifle in front of a giggling life-drawing class. Then, just when he’d finally nodded off, he was awakened by the sound of Dr Trifle running into the house. The sun was now high in the sky.
‘Guess what?’ Dr Trifle said to Mrs Trifle.
‘Please don’t play guessing games with me, darling,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I’m trying to focus my mind and be brave.’
‘Have a look at this poster,’ Dr Trifle said, unrolling it.
Selby’s ears shot up.
‘A poster?’ he thought.
Mrs Trifle snatched the poster from Dr Trifle and read aloud.
‘“Join Melanie Mildew’s life-drawing class now and draw a real live naked model.” I can’t believe this!’ Mrs Trifle screamed.
‘And look at the letter that just arrived in the mail.’
‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘A letter!’
Dr Trifle handed it to Mrs Trifle to read.
ART AND CULTURE COME TO BOGUSVILLE.
JOIN MELANIE MILDEW’S CLASS AND DRAW
A REAL LIVE NAKED BODY.
(YOU’LL BE SURPRISED AT WHO IT IS!)
‘Oh, no! This is getting out of hand!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘The next thing you know it’ll be in the newspaper.’
At that exact moment Dr Trifle took a copy of the Bogusville Banner from behind his back. The headline read:
Nakedness Comes to Bogusville!
‘This is awful! This is horrible! This is a catastrophe!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘What else does it say?’
Dr Trifle read the article aloud:
Melanie Mildew has started a life-drawing class to bring a touch of art and culture to our fair town. ‘Finally the citizens of Bogusville will have a chance to celebrate the naked body by sketching it,’ Ms Mildew said. ‘We will be the envy of country towns across Australia.’
This new class was to have been held in the meeting room at the Bogusville Library but has been moved to the Bogusville Bijou movie theatre in order to fit the ever-growing number of people signing up for the class.
‘The movie theatre!’ Mrs Trifle screamed. ‘But that will fit everyone in Bogusville and half of the people of Poshfield!’
‘Which is exactly who have signed up for the course,’ Dr Trifle said.
‘This is horrible!’ Mrs Trifle cried. ‘But I have to do it. I can’t let Melanie down.’
‘I’m the one who’s let Mrs Trifle down,’ Selby thought. ‘I never should have talked to Melanie. Now I’ve really got to get her out of it.’
Just before midday, Melanie Mildew picked up Mrs Trifle and drove her to the theatre. Selby had set out half an hour before and was there when the women arrived and hurried in through the stage door.
Outside, hundreds of people holding pads of drawing paper and clutching pencils were making their way into the theatre. Parked in the street were television vans with satellite dishes that said things like ‘World Wide Television News’ and ‘Channel 11: Eyes of the Nation’.
Nearby, a reporter was filing a report for the television news: ‘Today, all eyes are on the sleepy little town of Bogusville, Australia. In a place more familiar with tractor rallies and sheep-dog trials, the local art teacher is bringing these simple folk something they’ve never seen before: a life-drawing class. Yes, life-drawing with a real nude for everyone to practise their drawing skills. And judging from the crowd, this is probably the most popular event in the history of Bogusville. We’ll now take you to Vanessa, who is standing by inside the theatre, waiting for the curtain to rise. Can you hear me, Vanessa …?’
‘I can’t believe this!’ Selby thought. ‘Melanie’s life-drawing class has become a world-wide media event! The whole world is going to see Mrs Trifle! And they’re making us sound like a bunch of dummies. “Sleepy little town.” “Simple folk.” I’ve got to stop this!’
Selby crept in through the stage door and found Mrs Trifle and Melanie standing behind the closed curtain. Mrs Trifle had taken off her clothes and put on a dressing-gown.
‘Just stand on the stage,’ Melanie said. ‘And when I say “Raise the curtain,” you drop your dressing-gown and the curtain will rise. Remember, you don’t have to do a thing — just stand still.’
‘I think I understand,’ Mrs Trifle mumbled. ‘Curtain. Drop dressing-gown. Stand still. I think I’ve got it. Oh, I’m so nervous. Are you sure this is a good thing for me to be doing?’
‘It is a wonderful thing,’ Melanie said. ‘After today everyone will want to pose and we’ll have more and more classes. We’ll bring out the hidden talents of the people of Bogusville. Think of it, Mrs Trifle, Bogusville could become the art capital of Australia! Now, I’d better go out front and settle people down.’
Melanie Mildew went around the curtain and stood in front of the audience.
‘Bring out hidden talents,’ Mrs Trifle muttered. ‘Good for Bogusville. Yes, yes. Art capital of Australia.’
‘Oh, poor Mrs Trifle,’ Selby thought. ‘She can’t stand still. She’s shaking all over.’
On the other side of the curtain, Melanie Mildew clapped her hands.
‘Quiet, please!’ she said, waiting for a moment till the noise died down. ‘I’d like to welcome you all to the first-ever life-drawing class to be held in Bogusville. Over the next hour we invite you to draw as many pictures of a real nude model as you can. And I think you’re going to be very very surprised when you see who it is. After today, we will be calling for volunteers for models for future drawing classes. But now, without further ado, let’s raise the curtain!’
‘Curtain,’ Mrs Trifle muttered. ‘Raise.’
With trembling fingers, Mrs Trifle undid the tie on her dressing-gown and then let the gown fall to the floor.
‘I can’t look!’ Selby thought, as he put a paw over his eyes. ‘And I can’t let this happen!’
Just as the houselights dimmed and the curtain began to rise, Selby let out a scream that sounded like ‘Aaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhh!’ and leapt into the air, hitting Mrs Trifle side on and knocking her off the platform and sending her skidding into the wings of the theatre and out of sight.
<
br /> As the curtain rose, the audience saw Selby standing on the platform, frozen in the spotlight.
‘What have I done?’ he thought as he stared out into the audience. ‘All these people have come for a life-drawing class and now I’ve ruined it.’
Selby could see Melanie Mildew standing on the side of the stage with her mouth hanging open.
Someone in the crowd broke the silence by calling out, ‘Brilliant! A naked dog!’
‘It’s the mayor’s dog, Selby!’ someone else yelled. ‘What a wonderful idea!’
‘Look at all those wonderful curves,’ someone shouted. ‘Melanie, this is a wonderful surprise! But could you please take his collar off?’
And Melanie did just that.
Selby stayed perfectly still as he watched the grumbling television crews pack up and begin to leave. Everyone else was furiously sketching.
‘Hey, this is kind of fun,’ Selby thought as he looked around at the eyes that were studying him. ‘And look, Mrs Trifle has her clothes back on and she’s smiling at me.’
‘Mrs Trifle!’ Selby heard Melanie whisper. ‘You never cease to amaze me. You had a substitute all along, didn’t you? And they love him. From now on I think I’m going to make this an animal life-drawing class. I think that’s what Bogusville people really want.’
And so it was that Selby stood there for a whole hour as everyone drew picture after picture of him. At the end of it, the curtain came down to thunderous applause.
‘I don’t know how you got here or what got into you,’ Mrs Trifle said, as she and Selby walked home. ‘It was almost as though you had set out to rescue me from something I really didn’t want to do. And you managed to stand there without moving for a whole hour.’
‘That bit was the hardest part of all,’ Selby thought. ‘I didn’t think I could bear it for another minute. Bare it? Did I say bare it? What am I saying?’ he added with a silent chuckle.
Wishful Thinking
‘Selby seems to be off his food,’ Dr Trifle said to Mrs Trifle as she came through the door. ‘Either that or he’s finally sick of Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits.’
