by Duncan Ball
‘I’m sorry, Auntie,’ Willy said, with tears streaming down his face.
‘I’m sorry too, Auntie,’ Billy bawled.
‘What’s that awful smell?’ Dr Trifle asked Mrs Trifle. ‘It doesn’t smell like vegetables.’
‘No, it doesn’t,’ Mrs Trifle said, suddenly turning to her nephews. ‘Look at the mess you’ve made! All right, boys! Now you eat the sausages you have in your hands — and I hope they taste terrible!’
‘I don’t think they’re good,’ Willy said.
‘Eat!’ Mrs Trifle said and she sounded like she meant it. ‘Now!’
With trembling fingers, Willy and Billy raised their sausage to their mouths and then lowered them again.
‘I can’t,’ Willy cried.
Mrs Trifle snatched both sausages and with one quick motion shoved them deep into Willy and Billy’s mouths.
‘Now eat them!’ she said, ‘That’s your punishment for doing something very very silly!’
Willy and Billy, bawling their eyes out, chewed their sausages and then swallowed them.
‘We ate Selby!’ Willy wailed. ‘We made him into hotdogs and we ate him!’
‘You whaaaaaaaaaaaat?’ Mrs Trifle cried.
‘We did!’ Billy said. ‘We put him on the thingy and it crunched him.’
‘Why, you despicable little beasts!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Selby, where are you? Selby?’
Mrs Trifle went running around to the back of the VDM and spotted Selby lying in what was left of the vegetable garden.
‘Thank goodness you’re all right,’ Mrs Trifle said, rushing over and picking him up. ‘Oh, Selby, those naughty boys had me so frightened.’ Mrs Trifle turned to the boys again. ‘And now you’re going to get punished for lying to me and scaring me half to death!’
‘But he went in the machine!’ Billy squealed. ‘He did! I heard him crunch!’
‘I think I just solved the mystery of the crunch,’ Dr Trifle said to Mrs Trifle. ‘Did you say that you left those two bags of horse poo on the ground here?’
‘Yes, why?’
‘Because one of them is missing.’
Dr Trifle looked over at Mrs Trifle and they both smiled.
‘Well, boys,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘I don’t think you’ll be needing that punishment after all.’
Willy and Billy just stood there for a minute. Suddenly, Willy coughed and gagged, holding himself around the middle.
‘No! No!’ he yelled. ‘Billy!’
‘What?’
‘We just ate horse-poo dogs!’ ‘Horse-poo hotdogs! Horse-poo hotdogs!’ Billy screamed. ‘Oh, yucky! Yucky! Yucky poo!’
‘And just what you deserved,’ thought Selby from back under the pumpkin leaves.
Mushy Stuff
I’m not a dog for mushy stuff
But once I had a tiny crush
On an anaconda in a tree
Then suddenly it had a crush on me!
Counting on Selby
Selby looked up at the castle, perched high on top of a hill in the middle of the town of Twin Castles.
‘Wow!’ he thought. ‘This is like a knights and damsels movie. It’s like when I went back in time. Only this isn’t long ago, it’s today.’
Dr and Mrs Trifle and Selby got out of the taxi at the entrance to the castle.
‘Wasn’t it generous of the Count and Countess Karnht to invite us to their country,’ Mrs Trifle said, pressing the doorbell at the side of the drawbridge. ‘But do remember that you’re not to believe anything the Count says that has numbers in it. He is hopeless with numbers. He gets them wrong all the time.’
‘I almost forgot that Count Karnht can’t count,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I was surprised that he wanted Selby to come along. I thought he was terrified of dogs.’
‘The Count is a bit strange. He told me that Selby saved his life — and that Selby actually talked as well ,’ Mrs Trifle said with a chuckle. ‘He was hoping that Selby would help him get over his fear of dogs.’
‘Not a chance,’ thought Selby. ‘This guy is a total fruit-loop.’
Suddenly the drawbridge lowered and the iron gate lifted.
‘Welcome to the Kingdom of Tallstoria, Dr and Mrs Trifle,’ the Countess said, coming out to greet them.
‘Greetings to the nine of you,’ Count Karnht said.
‘I believe he means the three of you,’ the Countess whispered.
‘Forgive me for not inviting you later,’ Count Karnht added. ‘I hope you can stay for two whiles.’
‘He means, “Forgive me for not inviting you earlier. I hope you can stay for a while,”’ the Countess said.
‘Oh, and I see that you’ve brought your dogs, Selby,’ the Count said. ‘We shall get to know two another better a little l-niner.’
‘I think he means “We shall get to know one another a little later,”’ the Countess said. ‘Do come in and see our castle.’
‘Yes, our castles,’ the Count said. ‘We’ve spent the past twelve minutes of our life here.’
‘We no longer have servants or guards here in the castle,’ the Countess said, ignoring her husband. ‘We lost all our money when my husband made himself the country’s treasurer.’
‘We used to have one guard to protect me,’ the Count said, ‘but we had to let them all go.’
‘There were fifty-seven guards,’ the Countess explained wearily. ‘We now have a burglar alarm. It’s one of those things where you put in a number to set the alarm when you go out and the same number to turn it off when we come home.’ ‘That could be a problem,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘especially with you-know-who.’
‘Who are they?’ the Count asked.
‘It’s all right, darling,’ the Countess said. Then, turning to the Trifles, she said, ‘The secret code is the simplest one I could think of: 1—2—3—4. I was hoping that the Count could learn it but, so far, he hasn’t been able to.’
Selby thought the Countess looked sad when she said this but maybe she was just tired of all the confusion.
The Trifles and Selby had a lovely meal of takeaway pizza with the Count and Countess, but Selby had to eat his at the far end of the room so as not to frighten the Count.
‘I want to get used to your four dogs,’ Count Karnht said, pointing to Selby. ‘But it’s not easy. Sorry, Selby,’ he called out.
‘My husband really thinks that Selby can talk,’ the Countess said. ‘I have no idea where he got that notion.’
‘He got it from me,’ Selby thought. ‘And it’s a good thing that nobody believes him.’
‘Excuse me, dear,’ the Countess said to her husband when everyone had finished eating. ‘Would you like to show the Trifles our crowns?’
‘The crown!’ the Count cried. ‘All ten of you, please follow us.’
Selby and the Trifles followed Count Karnht down a long corridor to the Crown Room. Selby could see that the Count was eyeing him nervously.
‘I’ll keep my distance,’ he thought. ‘I don’t want to freak him out.’
Looking into the room with the treasure, Selby could see a glass case with two jewel-covered crowns.
‘Don’t go through that doorway until I turn off the alarm,’ the Countess said as she punched the numbers 1—2—3—4 into the keypad.
‘What would happen if we did?’ asked Mrs Trifle.
‘A minute or so later, the alarm would go off,’ the Countess explained. ‘The phone would ring and the Captain of the Guards would ask for the secret code number. If I didn’t give it to him then he and his men would come running from the town. I’m afraid that these crowns are the only valuable things left in the whole kingdom.’
There were two beeps to show that the alarm was off and then the Count barged into the room.
‘Follow all of I,’ he said.
‘Wow! Look at those crowns!’ Selby thought. ‘They’ve got jewels everywhere! They must be worth a fortune!’
‘This crown belonged to my great great great great grandson before she was one hundred,’ t
he Count explained. ‘The other crowns belong to my seventeen wives.’
‘His wife,’ the Countess said. ‘That’s me.’
‘It’s got seven hundred jewel and it’s worth two cents,’ the Count said.
‘Very nice,’ Mrs Trifle said politely. ‘Thank you so much for showing them to us.’
‘I love to have house guests,’ the Countess said. ‘It gives me a chance to go out and play Bingo in town. My husband isn’t very good at it because of all the numbers. Would you like to come with me?’
‘Well, yes, we would,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Good, then we’ll leave my husband alone with the dog so he can get used to him.’
That evening, Selby and the Count were left alone in the Great Hall while the others were out. The Count repeatedly moved closer to pat Selby but then backed off.
‘You’re not going to bite me, are you?’ the Count asked.
‘Well, no, I’m not,’ Selby thought (he didn’t say it), ‘and I’m not going to talk to you either. I did it once but that was because it was an emergency.’
‘I give up,’ the Count said. ‘I’m going to bed.’
‘I can’t believe this guy,’ Selby thought, as he curled up by the fire. ‘He isn’t trying at all to get over his fear. I’d like to help him but if that’s the best he can come up with then what can I do?’
Selby fell into a light sleep but soon woke up.
‘Oh bother,’ he thought. ‘I’ve got to go to the loo. I can’t get out of the castle so I’ll have to use a people-loo.’
Selby wandered off down the darkened corridor until he found a door with a scribbled sign on it that said,’ Man Toilets’.
‘I guess that’s for me.’
Selby pushed open the door only to find the startled Count sitting on the toilet.
‘Help! Help!’ the Count yelled, hopping past Selby as he tried to pull his pants up. ‘Get away from me!’
With this, the Count bolted off down the corridor.
‘Hey, Count!’ Selby said in a stern voice. ‘It’s only me. I’m not going to hurt you.’
Seeing Selby coming towards him, the Count backed through a doorway.
‘Count Karnht! Not that one,’ Selby yelled. ‘That’s the Crown Room! You’ll set off the alarm!’
Selby raced after him. Inside, huddled in the corner was the terrified Count with one hand covering his eyes. Suddenly, there was a beep beep beep from the alarm system.
‘You have to put in the secret code number quickly or the alarm will go off,’ Selby said.
The Count slowly spread his fingers and looked at Selby. But before he could get up bells suddenly started ringing, sirens sirened, and lights flashed. Selby spun around as quickly as a ballet dancer and headed for the door but he was too slow. Security bars suddenly dropped down in the doorway, trapping Selby and the Count inside the Crown Room.
All at once the bells and sirens stopped and the telephone rang. The Count picked it up.
‘Yes, of course I know the secret code number,’ he said. ‘It’s —’
‘Don’t say the wrong number! Give me that,’ Selby said, snatching the phone out of the Count’s hand. Then, putting on his best Count Karhnt imitation voice, Selby said, ‘The secret code number is 1—2—3—4.’
‘Did you say 1—2—3—4?’ a voice asked.
‘Yes. It was all a big mistake,’ Selby said.
‘Is this really Count Karnht?’
‘Of course it is!’ Selby said, slipping back into his own voice.
‘Then how did you get the secret code number right?’
‘I just did, that’s all.’
‘I don’t believe you. If you’d have said any number but 1—2—3—4 I might have believed you but you didn’t. So say your prayers, robber, because we’re on our way!’
Click.
‘Gulp,’ Selby said. ‘What did he mean, “Say your prayers?”’
The Count heaved a sigh.
‘He meant that they’re going to kill us.’
‘But they can’t do that,’ Selby protested. ‘You’re the head of the whole country.’
‘I know what these guys are like. In about two minutes the Captain of the Guard and his men will come crashing in here in their black uniforms and they’ll throw in stun grenades. These guys shoot first and ask questions later. I’m afraid that we won’t have a chance to explain.’
‘Double gulp,’ Selby said.
‘You never should have said 9—6—7—1,’ the Count said.
‘But I didn’t. I said 1–2–3–4.’
‘That’s what I said you said: 2–2–3–7.’
‘Oh, this is hopeless,’ Selby snapped at the Count. ‘Can’t you learn to say 1–2–3–4? Here, lets start with one. Say one.’
‘Two.’
‘No, say one.‘
‘Seventeen.’
‘This is useless. I’ll tell you what,’ Selby said. ‘I’ll tell them that I’m the one who gave the secret code on the phone.’
‘Great idea!’ the Count said.
‘But there is a problem. I don’t want anyone to know that I can talk,’ Selby said. ‘I’m the only talking dog in Australia — and probably Tallstoria — and even maybe the world, but I’m keeping it a secret.’
‘Surely the Trifles know.’
‘Nope.’
‘Why don’t you want anyone to know?’
‘Because I don’t want to be famous. I just want to be left alone.’
‘I know exactly what you mean. There are times when I hate being famous.’
‘Hey! I’ve got a better idea,’ Selby said. ‘Why don’t I answer for both of us …’
Minutes later, the Captain of the Guard was at the door with all his men.
‘Get ready to die, you imposter!’ he cried.
‘Don’t shoot!’ Count Karnht said. ‘I am the real Count and I order you to raise these bars immediately!’
‘You look like Count Karnht but you can’t be him or you wouldn’t have been able to say the secret code number.’
‘Oh, yeah?’ the Count said. ‘Listen to this …’ There was a short silence and then Count Karnht’s mouth moved and out came the numbers ‘1—2—3—4’.
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘I learnt it,’ Count Karnht said excitedly. ‘It’s … 1-2–3–4.’
‘So you did,’ the Captain of the Guard said, unlocking the grille. ‘This is a miracle!’
‘Yes it is,’ Count Karnht said proudly.
Selby peeked out from behind the stand that held the royal crowns to see the Captain of the Guard raise the bars.
In a few minutes, Selby sat in front of a log fire with Count Karnht.
‘You don’t scare me anymore,’ the Count said, patting him. ‘I think I was so frightened of getting killed that I forgot to be frightened of you.’
‘Well, I’m glad of that,’ Selby said.
‘And thank you for saying the words for me,’ Count Karnht said. ‘You saved my life — again.’
‘Anytime, Count,’ Selby said, ‘but you’d better learn the secret code number before this happens again or you’ll be in big trouble.’
‘I think I know it now,’ Count Karnht said. ‘One …’
‘That’s good. What comes next?’
‘Two …’
‘And then?’
‘Three …’
‘Very good, Count!’ Selby said. ‘One more number and you’ll have it.’
‘Nine!’ the Count said.
‘Well, not quite,’ Selby said.
‘But I’m getting there, aren’t I,’ the Count said excitedly. ‘Any day now I’ll be able to say 1–2–3–4.’
‘You said it!’ Selby cried. ‘You took the words right out of my mouth. Only that time you didn’t have to.’
Paw note: See the story ‘Selby Snaps!’ in the book Selby Snaps! S
Paw note: See the story ‘Number Fumbler’ in the book Selby Screams. S
Selby’s Smile
‘I’ve invented a new kind of cat,’ Dr Trifle announced, carrying a cat from his workroom.
‘You can’t just invent cats,’ Mrs Trifle asked. ‘Besides, that one looks just like Postie Paterson’s cat, Ray.’
‘Well, he sort of is but I’ve changed him,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Give him a pat and you’ll see.’
Mrs Trifle patted Ray and he began to purr. And just when the purring began, Ray’s lips suddenly curled up into a warm, friendly smile.
‘Good lord!’ Mrs Trifle shrieked. ‘Look! He’s smiling!’
‘Exactly!’ said Dr Trifle, smiling himself.
‘I can’t believe it! I just can’t believe it!’
‘I can’t believe it either,’ Selby thought. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it.’
‘What have you done to him?’ Mrs Trifle shrieked.
Slowly, Ray’s smile faded.
‘I’ve turned him into a Happy Cat,’ Dr Trifle explained, stroking the cat and watching as he smiled again. ‘Everybody who wants a cat will buy one of these. The way I look at it is this: we keep pets to make us happy. We make them happy by feeding them and cuddling them and patting them and they make us happy by showing us that they’re happy. Cats purr to tell us they’re happy. This cat not only purrs but it smiles back at us and makes us feel even happier.’
‘It makes me feel a bit weird,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘How did you do it?’
‘I’ll show you,’ said Dr Trifle.
Dr Trifle gently opened Ray’s mouth with his fingers and took something out.
‘These Lip Movers turn a normal cat into a Happy Cat,’ he explained. ‘The LMs hook gently over the lips from inside. They’re so soft that the cat can’t even feel them. They move the cat’s lips into a smile when it purrs.’
‘But how?’
‘With this,’ Dr Trifle said, taking off Ray’s collar. ‘Inside the collar is a tiny Purr Dectector. When Ray purrs, this sends a signal to the LMs which move his lips.’
‘I guess it’s not such a bad invention,’ Mrs Trifle said.
‘Unfortunately, the materials to make one are very expensive. I wouldn’t dare tell you how much this one cost,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘And I made another one too,’ he added, taking something out of his pocket. ‘Watch me turn Selby into a Happy Dog.’
