by Duncan Ball
‘Selby? In a movie?’ Mrs Trifle asked. ‘Are they making it here in Bogusville?’
‘No. This one will be shot in Hollywood. Apparently it’s one of those multi-multimillion-dollar movies.’
‘I don’t know if I can spare the time to take him there,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I think we’ll have to say no.’ ‘I can go on my own!’ Selby thought. ‘Oh, please, oh please.’
‘I’m very busy too,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘But they offered to take him themselves. They said they’d treat him like a star.’
‘That’s very nice,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Why did they choose Selby?’
‘Remember Artie Schotz, the director who directed the movie they made at the school library, A Binding Friendship?’
‘Oh, yes, the one that Gary Gaggs, Dino diSwarve and Bonnie Blake starred in.’
‘Well, Mr Schotz is going to direct this film too. Apparently he got the idea for the film when he was here in Bogusville. He was also the director who made that TV commercial for Dry-Mouth Dog Biscuits that Selby was in . He remembered what he called “a certain human look” in Selby’s eyes.’
‘He knows talent when he sees it,’ Selby thought.
‘What is Selby supposed to do in the film?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘I don’t know. Dog things, I guess. All I know is that the movie is called The Town That Time Forgot and it’s about a country town just like Bogusville.’
‘I beg your pardon?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Do these movie people think we Bogusvillians are behind the times or something?’
‘The fellow who rang was the producer, a man named Izzy Fureel,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘He said the film was a story of courage and bravery in a small Australian town. This is a film with a heart, he said. I’m not sure what that means.’
‘Neither am I but it sounds lovely,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I don’t understand this film business. I’ve never really known the difference between what a producer does and what a director does.’
‘I’m afraid I don’t either,’ Dr Trifle admitted.
‘That’s easy,’ Selby thought, as he remembered his favourite making-movies book, Make Movies and Get Rich: 101 Easy Rules. ‘The producer pays the money and the director makes the movie.’
‘Bonnie Blake and Dino diSwarve are the stars of this film again,’ Dr Trifle added.
‘But I thought they hated each other.’
‘That may be true but with the amount they’re being paid I’m sure they’ll try to get along with each other.’
‘Speaking of money, what will the pay be for Selby?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘That’s the wonderful thing. Mr Fureel said that we don’t have to pay one cent.’
‘But shouldn’t they be paying us? I mean this is a multi-multi-million-dollar movie.’
‘Apparently all the money is going to the stars, the director, and on making the set.’
‘I see,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Well, I’m happy to let Selby go.’
‘I’m glad about that because I’ve already said yes. It will be a nice change for the little fellow,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Oops, we’d better pack Selby’s bag straightaway. I think they’ve come to get him.’
Selby looked out to see a long white limousine pull up and a man in a suit get out and make his way to the front door.
‘Hello, Dr and Mrs Trifle,’ the man said, ‘I’ve come for Selby. I’ll be escorting him to Hollywood. And don’t worry about a thing, we’ll give him the star treatment.’
‘I can’t believe this!’ Selby thought. ‘I’m going to be acting with the biggest acting megastars in the world! Dino diSwarve and the lovely and gorgeous Bonnie Blake. Oh, I can’t wait! I feel like I’ve died and gone to Heaven. Even better: it’s like I’ve died and I’m on my way to Hollywood. Yesssssssss!’
And so it was that Selby left Bogusville in the huge, long limousine.
‘I feel like a star already,’ Selby thought as he sat in the back. ‘This thing has its own TV and telephone and it’s even got a computer if I want to check my emails! Of course, if I use any of them he’ll know that I’m not an ordinary, non-talking, non-computer-using dog — so I can’t.’
The limousine drove Selby to the airport and then he flew first class all the way to Hollywood.
‘This is the life!’ Selby thought as people looked around and wondered what a dog was doing in a people-seat. ‘Goodbye Bogusville, and Hollywood here I come!’
When they arrived at the film studio, Selby was led to the back lot where a whole town had been built.
‘Bogusville!’ Selby thought. ‘They’ve made it look exactly like Bogusville. It’s almost as big as the real Bogusville! This is fantastic!’
On one side of the set was a movie camera and, behind it, a group of people. In front were two actors.
‘Bonnie Blake and Dino diSwarve!’ Selby thought. ‘Here they are again. It’s like meeting old friends.’
Bonnie came running over to Selby and picked him up.
‘Oh, Selby, you’re here!’ she squealed and kissed him on the head. ‘It’s so good to see you! You’re going to be my dog so let’s get to know each other.’
‘Gosh, her dog,’ Selby thought. (And that’s all he thought because he was blushing madly.)
‘Bonnie, darling,’ the director called out, ‘could we finish this scene now? Your scene with Selby will be next, okay?’
Selby stood quietly behind the camera watching Bonnie and Dino.
‘This really is magic,’ Selby thought. ‘Now I know why Make Movies and Get Rich: 101 Easy Rules calls Hollywood “Dreamland”. I just love movies and actors and directors. I love everything about them. They make dreams come true.’
‘Print that one,’ the director called out. ‘Now that we have Selby we’re going to skip to the scene where you two confront each other. Dino, remember that you want to buy up all the houses in Dumsville and turn it into a theme park. The people of Dumsville are going to go about their business as usual but the whole town will be a theme park. People will pay money to see what life is like in this backwards little country town.’
‘Dumsville?’ Selby thought. ‘Backwards little country town? What is this? Oh, well, it’s only a movie. It’s only make-believe.’
‘And, Bonnie,’ the director continued, ‘you’ve just moved to Dumsville and you love it there even if the people are a bit simple-minded. You want to protect them from Dino and his theme park, got it?’
‘Got it, Artie.’
‘Okay, now call Selby and see if you can get him to sit on the footpath next to you.’
‘I think I can handle that,’ Selby thought. ‘But I’m sooooo nervous with that big camera pointing at me.’
‘Here, Selby,’ Bonnie said. ‘Hey, look at that. He came right over and sat down. This is one smart dog, Artie. And you’re right, he does have a sort of human look in his eyes.’
‘That’s what I said,’ the director said. ‘Okay, let’s roll.’
As Selby watched, Dino drove into the main street, got out of his car, took off his sunglasses and smiled. Bonnie Blake walked over to him.
‘What are you doing here?’ she demanded.
‘You know very well what I’m doing here,’ Dino answered. ‘Now get out of my way, I’ve got work to do.’
‘Do you really think these people want to be a part of your theme park? Do you think they like you?’
‘Of course they don’t like me. But they like my money,’ Dino said. ‘What do you care? You’re not from this town. These people aren’t clever city people like you and me. These people are uneducated and stupid. Why else would they be living in this awful place?’
‘Now, hang on,’ Selby thought, ‘we’re not stupid. And Bogusville is a nice place.’
‘Now you listen to me …’ Bonnie started.
‘You tell him, Bonnie!’ Selby thought.
‘Okay, so they’re stupid and ignorant and they smell bad.’
‘Now, hang on a tick, Bon,’ Selby thought.
�
��And they’re sneaky and lazy. They’re lots of things,’ Bonnie went on.
‘Hold the show, Bonnie,’ Selby thought. ‘Every time you open your mouth it’s getting worse!’
‘What you don’t understand,’ Bonnie said, ‘is that a town is more than just a town. A town is people. Real, living, breathing people with their own hopes and dreams. They’re not just things that you can buy. They’re not like tissues that you can pull out of the box, blow your nose on, and then throw away.’
Selby watched as Bonnie ran through every emotion he’d ever seen. At first she sounded like she was just explaining something but suddenly she was pleading and then threatening. Then there was a long silence as her eyes went from angry little dots to big, wide eyes filled with tears.
‘What an actress,’ Selby thought. ‘She’s just like a real person — only better. That tissue thing really got me. Oh, she’s sooooooo wonderful.’
‘The problem with you,’ Dino said, ‘is that you don’t know what’s good for you — or for the stupid people of Dumsville.’
With this Dino turned and walked away.
‘That dirty guy,’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t let him get away with that! I don’t care what the script says, I’m going to bite that boofhead into next week!’
With this, Selby growled a deep growl that suddenly grew to fierce barking and then took off after Dino.
‘Hey, Selby! Stop it!’ Dino yelled.
‘Cut!’ the director cried, and Selby came running back to Bonnie, wagging his tail.
‘Hey, that was great!’ the director said. ‘It was almost as though Selby knew what was happening. I reckon that dog could act the pants off both of you.’
That afternoon, Bonnie took Selby behind the set to where the stars’ trailers were parked. There were three of them: a huge long one that said ‘Bonnie’ on the side, another big one that said ‘Dino’., and then a little dog house on wheels that had ‘Selby’ painted on the roof.
‘Yours is tiny,’ Bonnie said, ‘but don’t worry because you’re going to be in my trailer with me. You’re my dog in the movie so you’re going to be my dog here on the set too.’
‘That’s sweet of her,’ Selby thought.
Selby remembered when he’d first seen Bonnie Blake in the TV soapie Restless Hearts Aflame. Then he’d seen her being interviewed in a show called Your Lucky Stars. And he saw her again acting in the movie the director had made in Bogusville, A Binding Friendship.
Selby lay on the lounge in Bonnie’s trailer listening to music. Someone delivered a plate of wonderful food and Bonnie gave half of it to Selby.
‘I am in Dreamland,’ Selby thought. ‘I hope it takes a year to make this movie.’
That evening Bonnie sat next to Selby practising her lines for the next day.
‘What kind of man are you?’ she yelled. Then she tried whispering it through clenched teeth. ‘What … kind … of man … are you? Is money all that matters to you?’
‘She sends shivers up my spine just listening to her,’ thought Selby.
‘Tomorrow’s your big scene,’ Bonnie said to Selby. ‘How do you like that, poochipoo? At least you don’t have to talk. So you won’t get nervous like real actors.’
‘Are you kidding?’ Selby thought. ‘I get so nervous that I could wet my pants — if I had pants, that is. I mean, just because I’m a dog doesn’t mean that I don’t get scared.’
Bonnie turned the page.
‘You killed him!’ she yelled.
‘Oh, good, someone gets killed,’ Selby thought. ‘This is getting exciting. I wonder who gets it? I hope it’s that Dino creep.’
‘You killed my dog, you scum!’ Bonnie wailed.
‘Hey,’ Selby thought, ‘a dog gets killed. There must be another dog in this film besides me.’
‘You killed my dog, you scum!’ Bonnie wailed again. ‘You killed Selby! How could you do this?!’
‘Selby?’ Selby thought. ‘There’s got to be some mistake. I can’t get killed. The movie’s only just started.’
Bonnie turned to Selby and put her arm around him.
‘Oh, Selby, it’s been so good having you here with me,’ she said. ‘I’ll be sorry to see you go.’
‘Go? I don’t want to go,’ Selby thought. ‘Where am I going?’
‘You killed Selby!’ Bonnie yelled again.
‘I guess that answers that,’ Selby thought. ‘I was just getting into this film and now I’m history. They’ll be sending me home before I know it.’
That night Selby lay on the floor of Bonnie’s trailer unable to sleep. He got up and started reading a copy of the script.
‘Oh, great,’ he thought, after he’d read a few pages, ‘Dino runs me over with his car. I don’t even die in a fight or anything. Just get run over and then that’s the end of me. Great.’
The next day was one of the worst days of Selby’s life. His death scene was the first scene of the day. Artie Schotz made him bark and chase after Dino’s car. Suddenly, the car swerved to miss a hole in the street and ran Selby over. Of course he wasn’t really run over. There was the squeal of brakes and the camera switched back to Bonnie’s face as she screamed, ‘You killed Selby!’
‘Cut! That’s perfect!’ the director said. ‘Okay, guys, somebody ring the chauffeur and let’s get Selby to the airport. Sorry, old boy,’ he said, patting Selby. ‘You did a great job but it’s over, pooch.’
‘Great job, my paw,’ Selby thought. ‘You’re the one who made up this story, why did you have to go and get me killed? It would be a much better movie if I lived. People love dogs.’
Everyone gathered around and gave Selby pats and hugs before they put him in the limo to go to the airport. He could feel tears forming in his eyes as the car pulled away.
‘So that was it,’ Selby thought. ‘My big break and it’s over. I’ll never get another chance like this one. But what can I do?’
Selby sat there way, way in the back — because this was the longest limo that Selby had ever seen — and wondered what he could have done to get them to change his part in the film.
He remembered something he’d read in Make Movies and Get Rich: 101 Easy Rules. ‘Fight for what you want,’ it said. ‘Nobody gets nothin’ for nothin’ in Dreamland. Fight hard and fight dirty. It’s a dog-eat-dog world. Hey, everyone else does it so why not you?’
‘That’s true,’ Selby thought. ‘I’m not sure about the dogs eating dogs but you have to fight for what you want. But what if you’re a dog? How can you fight then?’
As the city whizzed by outside, Selby’s brain went into top gear.
‘I don’t like this film,’ he thought. ‘It’s not nice to Bogusville and the people of Bogusville and it’s a stupid film anyway. I’ve got to do something to change the whole thing.’
Suddenly, Selby had an idea. His paw slipped over to a red button at the side of the seat. He pressed it down and watched as a metal screen went up between him and the driver.
‘He can’t see me now,’ Selby said, grabbing the telephone from the side panel. ‘Now for some real movie magic.’
Selby dialled the studio.
‘I wonder what this Izzy Fureel guy sounds like. I’ll just have to guess,’ Selby thought.
‘Dumsville Productions.’
‘Get me Artie Schotz on the double,’ Selby said. ‘Dis is an emoygency.’
Selby waited for a moment.
‘Hello?’ a voice said.
‘Artie! Artie, baby, it’s me, Izzy.’
‘Is that you, Mr Fureel?’
‘Yeah, why? Don’t I sound right?’
‘No, your voice seems a bit higher than usual.’
‘How about dis?’ Selby said, lowering his voice.
‘No, it still doesn’t sound like you.’
‘Is dis okay, Artie?’ Selby said in a low and gravelly voice.
‘That sounds better,’ Artie said. ‘What can I do for you, Mr Fureel?’
‘Artie, my friend,’ Selby said, ‘we gotta tal
k about changes to the script.’
‘What changes? I don’t know about any changes.’
‘I’m gonna tell ya, Artie. I don’t want the dog to die, you got me?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You heard me. I don’t want him to die.’
‘But the dog’s got to die. That’s the reason Bonnie fights back. Because Dino kills her dog.’
‘Couldn’t the dog just stub his toe or somethin’.?’ Selby asked.
‘Stub his toe? Are you kidding? Why would she get mad about that?’
Selby thought for a moment.
‘Good point, Artie’ Selby said. ‘But we can’t kill the dog because people love dogs. Ya can moyder people in the movies but ya can’t kill animals. Know what I mean, Artie? We kill the dog and nobody goes to see the film. I’m not shellin’ out five hundred mill for a flick that nobody wants to see.’
‘Izzy — I mean, Mr Fureel, you said that you were going to leave me alone. You said that I could make this movie my way.’
‘Artie, baby, I love ya, ya know that,’ Selby said. ‘But I can’t let ya kill the dog. Now if you don’t want to direct this film then I’ll just have to get Steven or Woody.’
‘Steven? Woody? You wouldn’t!’
Selby took a deep breath and put on his most gravelly voice.
‘Don’t push your luck, Artie,’ he said. ‘Now if you want to play hard ball with me, I’ll play hard ball with you. You got me? I’ll get my rewrite guy onto it. Just sit tight and I’ll get back to you. Oh, and Artie, I want you to use that Australian dog. When you showed me that dog food ad I thought that little pooch was great.’
‘But Mr Fureel, he’s already gone.’
‘Gone?! Well, then get him back!’ Selby exploded. ‘I don’t care how you do it — just do it!’
‘Yes, Mr Fureel.’
Selby slammed down the phone and giggled to himself.
Seconds later the telephone rang in the front of the limo and Selby was on his way back to the set.
When Selby got back to the studio everything had changed. Instead of being welcomed with hugs and kisses, everyone was screaming at each other.
‘This is ridiculous!’ Dino screamed at the director. ‘We can’t just change the movie now!’
