“What about today? What did he do before I got here?” I lift my head off his chest, and I meet a set of blue glassy eyes surrounded by red. He’s crying. Wet streaks run down each side of his face. I know he believes me.
“He tried,” I tell him as a lone tear falls, rolling down the right side of his cheek. His eyes close briefly. “He didn’t though. Niko bit him as he put…as he forced his fingers inside me.”
“Oh God…” Nick grabs me, pulling me closer as he presses his face in my neck. His body begins to shudder as he cries harder. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I let this happen.”
“Nick, don’t. This isn’t your fault,” I try to tell him.
“My own father raped you not only once, but twice, and I let it happen. You can’t say this isn’t my fault, because it fucking is.”
“He didn’t today. Your dog stopped it.”
“Not soon enough. He forced himself on you, in you. That’s fucking rape!” he yells out through his tears. I realize in that moment that he’s right. It is. He might not have put his penis in me, but he did rape me with his hand. My own tears begin to flow again. I close my eyes, put my face in the nook of his neck and sob.
TWENTY-ONE
My eyelids flutter open to the morning sun shining in through the bedroom windows. Looking down, I see two ink-covered arms wrapped firmly across my chest. Nick’s arms are warm. My back is aligned with his front, and his right leg is draped over my hip. I’m cocooned in his embrace. I feel protected and safe. Relief floods my body, and I know it is because of the secrets I shared with him. I only wish I had done it a week earlier, but I can’t change the past. I can only accept it and move forward.
I don’t remember getting into bed last night, so I assume Nick brought us, since the last thing I can recall is lying across his chest on the couch, sobbing. We were both crying. I must have been too exhausted. I’m still wearing his white button-up shirt and my panties.
I feel him tighten his hold around me, and then he places a light kiss on the top of my head. I take a deep cleansing breath. It feels nice to have him back with me. His touch is warm and relaxing. It’s my home. I never want to lose this again.
He releases his hold on me when I attempt to turn over in the bed, facing him. His eyes are red and blood shot. He doesn’t look like he’s slept at all. There are no words that can describe the pain I see looking back at me through his eyes. I’ve never seen Nick look so…distraught. There is also so much anger reflecting back at me. It’s not a good look on him, and I’m worried. Shit. How do you get over finding out your dad raped your girlfriend?
“You didn’t sleep, did you?” I ask him. He inhales a large breath and slowly forces the air back out of his mouth.
“No, but I’m glad you did,” he tells me. His voice is laced with sadness. He doesn’t sound like my Nick and I don’t like it. He feels a bit distant, even though there is no space between us. I won’t let him pull away from me. I won’t lose him again. I can’t.
“Nick,” I start, and then pause trying to gather my thoughts. “You told me last night, before I spilled my guts, that we would put it behind us. Putting it behind us, means we move past this…together.” He closes his eyes briefly. When he opens them again, he doesn’t respond to my statement. He changes the subject instead.
“You’re probably hungry. Get dressed. I’ll cook you breakfast.” My stomach growls at the mention of food, so I don’t protest. I haven’t eaten since leaving Katelyn and Stacy’s apartment two nights ago. He rolls onto his back, and then pulls himself out of the bed, walking out of the room without saying another word.
His silence is not good. Far from it. I need to know what he’s thinking. I force myself up and out of my bed. My body is aching all over, but I make myself walk to the bathroom. After I pee, I quickly brush my teeth and then comb through my matted hair. Looking in the mirror, I look like hell. I look about the same way I feel. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel relieved after everything I told Nick last night, but that doesn't make the pain or the memory go away. It’s still there and I know I’m going to have to deal with it. I’m going to have to learn to find a way to get past it and not ignore it. I’ve ignored it long enough, and I feel it was all wasted time. Time I could have used to heal.
Walking into the closet, I strip out of my worn clothes and put on my favorite Papa Roach t-shirt and some sweatpants. I remain barefoot and head to the kitchen to find Nick. I don’t want to spend any more time without him. I’ve already spent enough time apart to last a lifetime.
The moment I reach the entrance to the kitchen, the smell of eggs hits me; my mouth fills with saliva. Nick turns as I grab my mouth, turning on my heel, and run to the hall bathroom. Just as I reach the toilet, Nick is at the door. He is at my side in no time, pulling my hair back just as I throw up all the contents of my stomach. How I have anything in there is beyond me.
“Are you done?” he asks and I nod. He pulls me off the floor and walks me the two steps to the sink. I lean down, splashing water onto my face and rinsing out my mouth. After I turn the faucet off, he hands me a towel. The reality of my pregnancy comes back. Shit. He doesn’t know yet. “Are you sick?” he asks as I hand the towel back to him. He tosses it on the counter.
“No, I’m not sick, but there is something else I need to tell you.”
His eyes flash with what I think is panic. I’ve already told him enough shit to last a lifetime. “Okay,” he says cautiously.
“I’m,” I pause, looking for the right words. Coming out and just saying it seems…I don’t know…real, but then this is real. I’m pregnant and we are having a baby. I don’t think either one of us are ready for this.
Before I can continue, I hear a pounding coming from the front. The noise is loud and sounds like a fist beating on my door. Panic washes over me and I leap into Nick’s arms. What if his dad is back? Surely, he won’t come here if he knows Nick is here.
“It’s not him. Relax.” He assures me as he cups my face in his palms. How can he be so sure? He places a chaste kiss on my lips before dropping his hands and grasping my left hand into his right one. He’s just kissed the mouth that puke just came out of. That’s gotta be gross.
“Are you expecting someone?” I ask as he pulls my reluctant body from the bathroom and down the hall leading to the front of the house.
“No,” he simply says. The banging continues until Nick yanks the door open. I cower behind him, but he doesn’t release my hand. “What the fuck, Nikki?” he says, pulling me into arms and tightly wrapping them around me. Relief fills me at the site of Nick’s sister.
“I’ve been calling you all God damn morning. Why haven’t you answered any of my calls?” she huffs out with an irritated glare directed at her brother.
“My phone has been on silent since I went to bed last night. What the fuck is so damn important you had to beat the God damn door down and scare the shit out of Shannon?” She cuts her eyes to me and they soften. There is sympathy pooling in her blue gaze.
“I’m sorry,” she tells me, and then flashes her eyes back up to her brother. “I need to speak to you,” she says, giving him a pleading look.
“So speak,” he demands.
Nikki glances back at me. Whatever it is, she doesn’t want to say in front of me. I’m guessing it has to do with their father. I could use a cup of coffee right now, but I don’t want to set foot into my kitchen. There is probably a lingering smell of eggs and I don’t want to chance hurling again.
“Why don’t I go feed and water the dogs while she talks to you,” I tell Nick and try to take a step back out of his arms. Nick’s body stiffens and I look up to see wide eyes.
“She doesn’t know?” Nikki questions, giving Nick a disbelieving look. Know what? What don’t I know?
“Nick?” I question. My eyebrows pull together as I wait for him to tell me.
“For fuck’s sake, Nikki,” he hisses at his sister before looking down at me. “Um…I…” He’s reluctant to t
ell me. This is bad.
“What is it?” I whisper. I look at Nikki who is biting her bottom lip. I glance back up at Nick. Whatever it is, he’s having a hard time trying to tell me.
“Niko is…” he pauses briefly and my eyes dart around looking for the dogs. They weren’t in the bedroom when I woke up. They always sleep in our room. And then, he shocks me. “He’s dead,” Nick sighs out and I gasp.
“What? No…he was…how?” No. That can’t be right. This is a shock. This is beyond a shock. What the hell? That dog saved my life yesterday. What the fuck happened and when? I don’t understand.
“I don’t…” Nick starts to say as he runs his free hand through his dark hard. He looks sad. “…know,” he finishes.
“I don’t understand,” I say as tears pool into my eyes. Nick pulls me into his chest, hugging me tightly.
“He was lying on the door mat in front of the door when we got here last night.” Nick takes a deep breath and I pull my head off his chest. “I nearly had a fucking heart attack until I found you, and when I did, you were lying on the floor in the closet. I didn’t know,” he pauses, blinking rapidly, “that he was gone until Jase confirmed it last night when I brought you into the living room with me.” Nick takes another deep breath and looks up to the ceiling.
“Where’s Charmin?” I ask. He looks back down, but it’s Nikki that answers my question.
“She’s at my house,” she answers. “She’s fine.”
“But how?” I ask. I still don’t understand.
“My father,” Nick says.
“How do you know that, Nick?” Nikki questions him, her tone accusatory. What am I missing here? Nick cuts his eyes at his sister.
“Shannon told me Niko bit him yesterday,” There is a quick pause before he continues. “I’m only assuming,” he tells her as he throws his arms up.
“I can’t believe this,” I mumble. My stomach begins to churn again.
“Nick?” Nikki says in a low tone. He looks back at her.
“What?”
“I really need to speak to you.” Again her tone is low, but it’s laced with something I can’t figure out. She is pleading with him.
“For the love of fucking God, what?” he yells.
“I don’t think−”
Nick cuts her off. “Just spit it the fuck out already!”
“Dad’s dead,” she blurts out and I gasp. My eyes snap to hers. She’s biting her lip and looking at Nick. I look down, trying to gather my thoughts. Isn’t this what I wished for? Now that it’s real, how do I feel? I feel like the weight of the world has just been lifted off my chest.
“Good,” Nick says calmly. Too calmly, which is what catches my attention. Now, I start to wonder. My eyes flicker back to his sister. They are staring at each other as if having a silent conversation.
“Did you?” she asks, also calmly and my mouth gapes open. How can she think that? I speak before Nick has a chance too.
“Of course he didn’t. He’s been here with me.” I say. “The whole night,” I add for clarification. The expression on her face doesn’t change as she continues to look at her brother. Nick continues to be silent. No….he couldn’t. “How?” I add.
“He was beaten to death sometime last night or early this morning. His body was found on a beach by a man running,” Nikki tells me before turning her eyes back on her brother. “Nick?” she still questions.
“You heard her. I’ve been here. Besides, I rode with Jase last night. It’s not like I had a way to leave.” He turns, facing away from us and runs his hand back through his hair. “Is there anything else?” he asks as he starts to walk off.
“Mom,” she says, causing Nick to stop before reaching the kitchen. He turns back around. “She is freaking out. And the fact that you didn’t show up for your usual birthday breakfast this morning,” she pauses. “Well, what do you suppose she is thinking right now?”
Nick’s eyes fall back on me. They are pleading like he’s silently asking me for some type of forgiveness. But why?
“Take me over there,” he says, but I can tell it’s not directed at me, even though his eyes haven’t left mine. He can’t leave.
“No, you can’t leave,” I say and quickly walk over to him.
“Nikki, go wait in the car,” he command and she immediately follows his directions. I grab the bottom of his t-shirt for something to hold onto.
“Nick, please don’t leave, or at least let−” I say, but he cuts me off before I finish.
“I have to deal with this…with my mother,” he says, but that isn’t what his eyes are telling me. I think back to the pleading look from a few moments ago. It doesn’t sit well with me. He’s planning on walking out the door and I don’t think he plans to return.
“What just happened here?” I question, motioning between both our bodies. I’m confused. Last night, he said he missed me; he loved me and then…is what I told him too much?
“I need to walk away before I hurt you even more.” He grips my upper arms as if to hold himself back.
What the fuck is he talking about? Hurt me? He hasn’t. “Nick, you haven’t done anything, but you’re about to,” I pause. “Aren’t you?”
He looks up at the ceiling. “Yes, I have. Everything that’s happened to you is my fault,” he states.
“No, it’s not,” I try to reassure him, but it comes out as whine. What his father did to me, both times…Nick isn’t to blame. The blame is all on his father. I only hope whoever killed him made him feel every bit of pain before he took his last breath. I know the Bible says, vengeance is the Lord’s, but I can’t help but wish I would have been strong enough to hurt him back.
“You’re better off without me. That way, it will be easier to forget,” he says, releasing me and taking a step back. My hands fall from his shirt.
“Maybe forgetting is what I don’t want anymore. Don’t walk away from us. Don’t walk away from me, please,” I beg. I still have so much to face. Just because it’s out there and I’ve finally told someone, doesn’t mean I’ve dealt with it. I know this. It’s going to be a long time before I can truly put this behind me.
“I have to,” he says as he makes his way to the door. His voice is sad.
“Nick?” I whisper as he’s opening it. He pauses before exiting. “I’m pregnant.”
I hear a loud gasp escape his mouth and Nick grabs the doorframe. I can’t see his face to gauge his reaction, but I quickly remember what Nikki told me. Nick doesn’t want kids.
“Is it mine?” he whispers back.
“Yes,” I say and he drops his head. After a few seconds, he proceeds out the door, closing it behind him, but doesn’t look back.
He’s gone and I’m alone again.
The End…until SILENT GUILT
Acknowledgements
You…my reader. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my story. I am grateful that you decided to take a chance on me. Please consider writing an honest review from wherever you bought this book from. Again…thank you so much! It really does mean a lot.
Joe…my husband. Thank you for not ending this journey like you threatens so many times. I know my hours spent on the computer got on your nerves. A lot. If your reading this it’s because you really are reading my book. Thank you. I love you.
Elizabeth…I can’t even begin to say or describe what you mean to me without tearing up and being a cry baby. Thank you for everything. You are one of the most supported people I’ve ever know. Telling you I love you is an understatement, but I freakin love you so damn much.
Sabrina Hart …my first reader beta reader and friend. I’m so glad we met on GoodReads. Thank you for all the awesome feedback and suggestions you made. I don’t think this book would have happened if not for you. You encouraged me a lot and I’m so grateful. I love reading every story you write and I cannot wait for them to all get published. You are an amazing writer.
Becky Johnson…my editor. Oh! My! God! I! Love! You! Thank you for eve
rything. You made this story so much better. I’m so glad I have you as part of this. I can’t image having another editor.
Stephanie White…my cover designer. You nailed it. Thank for the amazing and perfect cover. I love it. God bless you for putting up with me. I’m sorry I asked you to change something only to have you redo it. You should probably hate me for all my screw up’s on this cover, but I can’t wait to start number two!!!
My betas…Sue, Teri, Allie, Stacey, Debbie, and Stacey. Thank y’all so freakin much. I loved every one of you guys’ feedback and suggestions. Thank you for pointing out the things I missed and the parts that only made sense in my head. Thank you all. You guys helped make this book better. I don’t think thank you is enough…but thank you!!!!
Cassie Davis…my friend. Thank you for all the encouragement you have given me throughout this process. Thank you for the twitter and blogging help and advice. I’ll get there.
Stacy Martin…my work bff…my fellow pearl girl. Thanks for your encouragement! Somehow you got me to rename a character with the name Stacy. But breaking line…call me a wuss if you want, but I won’t do that Sorry, honey but I love you.
About The Author
Nancy was born and raised in Mississippi where she still resides with her husband and son. She is an avid reader and can usually be found with her cell phone or iPad reading an ebook. Writing is a passion. She does because she really loves it and to get all the characters that just seem to pop up out of the blue out of her head.
When she isn’t reading the next indie novel or writing or working her day job at an Academic Medical Center, Nancy loves spending time with her guys (hubby and son). They love four wheeler riding and finding new ATV trails.
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