“Because Glenn is a her.”
My face turned a shade of red that bordered on purple. Research was important, and in my haste, I had forgotten to even find simple background information on Glenn. “Sorry about that, but there are some serious questions I need to discuss with her on behalf of the Pittsburgh Police. Nothing out of the ordinary and she’s not in any trouble.”
“What is your name, sir?”
I wished I had a badge. “Uh, Merlino. Detective Mike Merlino.”
“Okay detective, let me check with her. I’ll be right back.”
The full-figured woman disappeared into the curtains in the back and I leaned against the counter. All the employees were females. All buxom, exotic, beautiful women. Huh.
I tried to look away, but I couldn’t. The women were mesmerizing, stealing my eyes and threatening never to return them. I could have sworn they were whispering my name, begging me to come closer. Sirens. Sweet sounding sirens were calling me.
“Detective Merlino,” Tara said, and broke my trance-like perverted stare.
She was waving me toward the back as she stood in between the black curtains, almost wearing them as a dress. I quickly moved past the workers, trying to avoid eye contact. Despite Tara helping me, I struggled to get through the curtains and had to spin around to finally break free.
There stood Glenn. Not at all the grisly, old, foul-mouthed barber Glenn I had pictured in my head.
Long, luscious black curls cascaded down her back and stopped just above the fashionable obsidian belt with a golden buckle. She had bronze skin and wore an excessive amount of midnight blue eye makeup that trailed almost to her ears, but it worked on her, creating a dark, mysterious look. Her black lipstick shimmered as she smiled at me.
She invited me into her small but elegant and organized office. She sat behind her pine desk and gestured for me to take one of the two leather chairs. She put her feet up on the desk and her sequin emerald dress that matched her eyes crept naughtily up her thigh. She wasn’t going to play fair.
A shelf behind her housed a glass case with what appeared to be two Faberge Eggs inside. Even if this woman ran a very successful operation, one real egg would be out of her price range. I started with the obvious, “Are you married?” That wasn’t the question I had planned to ask and I started to sweat.
She licked her lips and I found myself wondering if they tasted like black licorice. She said, “Never have, never will. I appreciate the offer though. Tara told me you have some questions, police questions.” She sounded like she was asking a question.
“Yes.” A buzz circulated through my head that I hadn’t felt before, a dizzying, pleasurable tingle bounced around my dome, and something was happening in my pants. “There have been a few murders lately.”
“Murders, oh my.” She sounded like she had rehearsed that phrase in front of a mirror even down to putting her hand over her mouth.
“Yes, and a lot of the murderers had something in common.”
She used her long purple fingernails to scratch her thigh. “They were crazy, it sounds like.”
“That very well could be the case, but that’s not what I am here for.” I still felt woozy, but in a wonderful way. “A lot of the alleged murderers were customers here and I just wanted to know if you had ever noticed any strange behavior from any patrons?”
She stuck a finger in her mouth and sucked on it for several teasing seconds before slowly removing it and kissing the tip of her finger. “Well, let me ask you a question. Have you ever had a cougar rock your world sexually?”
This interview had turned on a dime. I started to overheat and unfastened the top two buttons on my shirt. “I can’t say that I have.” I answered truthfully. I had never considered Emily to be old enough for cougar status. I’ll talk about her another time.
She got up and sashayed around the desk, my eyes never leaving her ravishing hips as they bounced seductively up and down. She stroked the side of my freshly shaved face with the back of her fingers.
I said, “If we could just stick to the original question, I think that would be best.”
“Really. Because it doesn’t look like that’s what you want.” She motioned with her head toward the bulge in my crotch.
What was going on? I didn’t want to have sex with this woman. I mean, I wanted to, but I was going to be late for my date and I wasn’t big on casual sex. Even casual sex with one of the most amazing-looking women I had ever seen.
She walked behind my chair and reached around, unbuttoning a few more buttons on my shirt. The cool air felt nice as she used her long, purple fingernails to scratch my chest and trace over my nipples. I needed to put a stop to this right now. But I couldn’t.
I reached into the oceans of my brain and dove down for the oyster. I cracked that sucker open and plucked out the pearl of wisdom. It hit me. She was using mind magic on me and it was working like a charm. She had used her employees to get my mind unfocused. That’s why I hadn’t detected her magic when I entered the office. She was good.
Why hadn’t she killed me? I was just sitting here, waiting for anything. She seemed more interested in something else as she opened two more buttons, ripped my shirt open, and laid seven sweet kisses on my belly, leaving sparkly black lip prints. She ran her fingernails up and down my chest.
The temptress moaned in pleasure and bit down on my shirt. She wiggled her jaw back and forth and ripped a small piece from the shirt. What the? She kissed her way up, blew a soft, sensual breeze into my ear and playfully bit my earlobe. She leaned down and her tongue traced up the side of my neck and touched my ear.
My body had never felt better. I’d forgotten about the pain in my testicles, head and body and enjoyed the intoxicating moment. My brain was screaming to make this woman stop, but my body didn’t want to hear any of it.
She stood over me and leaned down, moving her head back and forth, rubbing foreheads with me. Her long curls tickled my chest and stomach. She brushed her full lips over mine and I extended my neck to meet her kiss. She backed away and shook her head as she purred like a kitten. I suddenly started taking a liking to cats.
She stood up straight, took two steps back and unbuckled the belt that dropped to the floor. She reached behind her back. I was glued to the chair as my brain waited for her to pull out a gun and shoot me. My body impatiently waited for something else. I’d allowed myself to be manipulated, even leaving the door to my soul slightly ajar. What a fool I had been.
Must. Fight. It.
I heard a zipper sound and her dress seductively slid down her figure and hit the floor. She glided up to me and brushed her silky fingertips over my face. Glenn walked sexily behind her desk and her hips bobbed up and down in a tantalizing manner. She pressed a few buttons on the stereo system and slow jazz music came to life.
She danced around as my brain tried to wake up the rest of my body. It sounded the alarm, but I couldn’t stop staring, willing to let her do anything. She slowly approached me and tugged on the cuffs of my shirt. She pulled my sleeves off and unbuttoned the rest of the shirt before tossing it over her shoulder.
She grabbed my dragon’s head belt buckle and held it, rubbing her thumb around the dragon’s mouth and further increasing my excitement. She moved both hands to my knees and raked her long nails over the top of my thighs and up toward my midsection. She unbuckled the belt and licked the dragon’s face a couple of times before opening her mouth and biting the buckle.
She whipped her head back and ripped my belt off in one smooth motion. The Faberge Eggs started to make more sense. She had the moves of a high-class hooker who could demand a hefty sum. If I had any money, I would probably be throwing it at her right now.
She unbuttoned my pants as she made out with my belly button. I almost lost it. My right thigh started to buzz. It buzzed again. I thought it was part of the ecstasy until I realized it was my phone.
The signal had taken some of her magic away. I didn’t want her as much. She stil
l had hold of me. I didn’t resist as she pulled my pants off and stood up. She turned around, sat on my lap and started grinding back and forth. I felt the fiery moisture and had to fight against it with all the power my distracted mind could muster.
I pushed her off and jumped to my feet. “I just need to check my phone. Real quick.”
She unhooked her bra, twirled it on her fingertip, allowing it to fall on her carpet. She rubbed her breasts, tracing around her tight nipples. “But I’m aching for you baby doll. Stop teasing me and let me have that.” She pointed to my boxers, which resembled a pitched tent currently.
I was teasing her? Hardly. I grabbed my phone out of the pocket of my pants. I checked the messages and her magic faded more. It must have been the electronic signals screwing up her game. But why hadn’t the music affected it?
She reached out and grabbed me in the most seductive manner possible. I called a random number to cause more interference and regain control. My mind and body worked in tandem finally as I manipulated the air in the room.
I whispered, pretending I was talking into the phone, “Aer sit potentia. Praebueris fortitudinem. Aer sit potentia. Praebueris fortitudinem.” I thickened the air and concentrated it into a ball the size of a bowling ball. Get ready to suck on this, succubus.
She was too caught up in her sexual game to notice as she stroked away at my excitement. I stared at her exquisite breasts and released.
The power ball of air, that was. It hit her huge breasts with such force I heard it crack her sternum as the chair flipped over and she flew into the door.
She looked up at me, scared. She had underestimated me. She wheezed and clutched at her chest, seemingly in shock.
I smirked. “Are you ready to talk now?”
“What do you want to talk about, Woody? That guy behind you?”
I whirled around and nobody was there. By the time I turned back around, Glenn had made it to her feet, opened the door, and taken off toward the front of her hair salon. I chased after her in my boxers, shoes and socks and quickly caught up to her.
I kicked the side of her foot, causing her to trip and go tumbling into the curtain that separated the two areas. I dove on top of her. We wrestled around in complete darkness, fighting each other and the curtain. Screams came from the front of the shop, and Tara yelled, “Glenn, are you okay?”
She wasn’t okay. I bearhugged her with all my might, trying to get her to pass out. I didn’t see it, but she reached out and grabbed an area of my body that left me rather compromised. I released the bearhug and tried to rip her vise grip off my crotch.
We went tumbling out of the curtain and spilled onto the floor of the shop with about a dozen people screaming. Glenn got to her feet first and took off for the front door. I jumped up, took six long steps and leaped through the air.
I tackled Glenn near the door and some of the employees tried to drag me off the owner. I bellowed, “You don’t understand who she is.”
The women clawed at my almost naked body, nearly drawing blood in a few areas. Someone jammed a red fingernail into my left eye and I let go. Glenn scrambled out of the shop in just her shimmering purple thong, as I shook the women away and ran for the door.
I cracked my shoulder into the side of the doorframe due to only one working eye. I rubbed my left eye and chased Glenn across the street, dodging traffic in my boxers, shoes and socks. At least I was wearing nice shoes and socks. And clean underwear.
The busty woman rushed down Penn Avenue pushing people out of her way in the process. I weaved in and out of the crowd and spotted her again. She hooked a right on a side street and when I turned the corner she was gone.
Then I noticed why. The portal. It looked like the rippling heat just above the street on a really hot day. The portal was as big as a normal sized front door, inviting me to come in. I thought about the possible problems.
You never knew where you would end up. She could be luring me into some demonic world where all her friends were waiting to kill me. I let her have this round. I knew where she worked after all. She wasn’t just going to shut down her shop and disappear over a little fight.
Did I mention I’m more of a dog person? My recent affinity to felines faded along with the exhaust coming from the bus crossing the street in front of me. I lowered my head and jogged back toward the shop to retrieve my clothes. I crossed Penn Avenue and heard a familiar voice. “Oh, my God. Mike, is that you?”
13
I looked up with a stupid smile on my face. I cleared my throat and fired up my Bogart accent since she had heard me talking that way at her house. “Oh, hey, Suzette. My clothes weren’t quite done in the dryer. I will be right back.”
She studied every scratch on my body like she would be tested on it at a later time. “Damn, you’re a freak too. Hey now.” She laughed her hideous laugh.
Was I wearing some unknown aphrodisiac? Women had never come onto me like this. “I’ll meet you at the restaurant in just a few minutes.”
I ducked my head again and sprinted for Glenn’s shop. I rushed through the front door and all the women started yelling at me and asking me what had happened to Glenn. I didn’t have time to stop and fought through the curtain to get to the back. Emergency exit. Sweet.
I ran into her office and threw my clothes on. My vengeful side wanted to send a fireball into her Faberge Eggs, but I couldn’t destroy the classic art. I turned around and saw that Tara was blocking the doorway. She said, “You’re not going anywhere until you tell us what you did with Glenn.”
“I didn’t do anything. I was chasing her. Did you notice that? And now I showed back up without her because she ran away from me. I don’t know anything.”
“Well the cops are gonna be here any time now. Maybe you’ll remember when they get here.”
Please forgive me, Mama. I calmly buttoned my cuffs and charged Tara, who squeaked like a mouse and moved out of the way. The rest of the employees made a wall along the curtain trapping me in the back. I smiled, turned around, took ten steps, and kicked the silver bar to the emergency door.
The door flung open and the alarm went off. I took off down the street as the sirens from the shop and the flashing lights faded. I covered my face and looked down as two cop cars raced by.
I ducked into the restaurant, hoping they would let me stay with a hole in the visible midsection of my shirt.
The disinterested hostess didn’t care one bit and threw two menus on the booth as I slid onto one of the soft bench seats. Much to my surprise, Suzette and her cloying Sunday Church perfume snuggled up right next to me. I’d never been a same side of the table kind of guy because it made for awkward, neck-straining conversation.
She said, “Oh, my God. So, like, what happened before?” She spoke with long pauses, which I believe she thought it created dramatic effect. It did not.
“My job can get pretty crazy. You never know what can happen.”
She twirled her hair with her index finger and I noticed she had hit the tanning bed hard today. Coupled with the quarter inch of makeup, she looked different. Orangish. She said, “Tell me about it. I’ve been finding out lately--that modeling is like, literally, a ton of work actually. No offense,” she said, as she checked out her nail polish.
Literally? And why would I take offense? “Oh, you’re a model?”
“Well, not yet. I don’t know what they’re waiting for, right?” She released a hideous laugh again and rubbed her breast on my left arm.
I didn’t know what to say. “Who knows in this crazy, mixed up world?”
“That’s what I say, right? It’s like, get it in, no? Cuz we’re all gonna die anyway, right? We need to have fun while we can. You know, get crazy. Get wild. At least that’s what I live by. YOLO, you know. Okay, let’s get to really know each other.”
Finally, something of substance to talk about. I smiled. “Let’s do it.”
She turned to me with her mouth open and grabbed my forearm with both hands. “Okay, so my fr
iend Tracy said the best way to know if you’re meant for a guy is to compare your favorite Kardashian with them and see who they pick. It like, reveals a lot about someone’s personality. And you can pick, like anyone that’s been on the show for more than like, five episodes.”
“You’re talking about, like Kim Kardashian’s TV show, right?” Oh no, I’m starting to talk like her.
She squeezed my arm. “Of course, silly.”
“I’ve never seen the show. Just commercials.” I tuned out most of her words after that.
The terrible date went on and I really did get to know Suzette. I got to know that she was the most superficial person I had ever met in my entire life. She was waiting for someone to run up to her front door with a modeling contract in his or her hand, begging her to accept the deal. I felt bad for Patty Elmhurst because this girl wasn’t moving out of momma’s house any time soon.
She talked while texting most of the time so I followed her lead and started to read up on some information Gretchen had sent me. I got an idea to check if Suzette knew anything about the activities up at the ballfield near her house.
“So do you know anything about what your mom was talking about the other day? Some sex ring up near the basketball court?”
She stopped texting and put her phone on the table. “She’s gone up there. I haven’t. I get spooked out real easy. I tried a couple times, but I ran back inside before I made it off my sidewalk. Whatever they’re doing up there, it stinks.”
“In an olfactory sense, right?”
“What?” She checked her phone.
I clarified, “Like, it smelled bad?”
“Real bad. Like choking me out bad. I’ve seen like, vanfulls of people headed up there, but I don’t know what they’re doing. I could hear them like, chanting a couple of times, too. But that’s it.”
She had been talking a lot faster without the dramatic pauses and I wanted to know how she knew the vans were full of people if she had only seen them from the outside.
Shifting Problems Page 10
