Someone who didn’t love her as much as she loved him?
Because she knew, in that moment, without a doubt in her mind that there was no point denying it to herself any more.
She was in love with him.
Completely and utterly.
She let out a cynical, broken laugh. So much for being mature enough to deal with a sex-only arrangement. She’d been kidding herself this whole time.
She’d not wanted to admit it to herself before now because she’d been terrified that he didn’t feel the same—he was so guarded with his emotions it was difficult to know how he really felt sometimes.
But she knew what she really wanted.
She loved him and wanted them to raise this baby together. For them to stay married after the year was up.
But would he feel the same way?
Could he?
She got up from the floor and brushed herself down with trembling hands.
There was only one way to find out.
* * *
Soli was in the sitting room, anxiously biting her thumbnail, when she finally heard Xavier’s car pull into the driveway that evening.
Getting up from the sofa, she went to meet him in the hall on trembling legs. Her heart was racing so hard she felt light-headed.
The door opened and, almost in a dream, she watched Xavier stride inside.
Her stomach flipped right over when he flashed her the smile she loved so much.
‘Hi,’ he said, dumping his laptop case by the hall table. When he straightened up to look at her the smile fell from his face and was replaced with a concerned frown.
‘Are you okay? You look a bit pale. You’re not ill again, are you?’ He walked towards her and put his hand on her forehead. ‘You don’t feel hot.’
The compassion of this gesture gave her the confidence to blurt out what she needed to tell him.
‘I’m not ill, I’m pregnant.’
It seemed to take him a couple of seconds to process what she’d said, then, shockingly, he took a swift step away from her.
‘What?’ he said, his voice as hard as stone. ‘How? We’ve been using condoms.’ The expression in his eyes was wild as he stared at her in angry denial.
Her heart plummeted, provoking a fresh wave of nausea.
That was not the joyful reaction she’d been hoping for.
She swallowed hard, telling herself he was just in shock and to give him a minute to process it. ‘I did a test. It came out positive.’ She took it out of her back pocket to show him. ‘I think it might have been that night in Corsica.’ She dragged in a shaky breath. ‘Or maybe one of the condoms failed and my pill wasn’t working properly again after I’d been ill.’
He shoved his hand roughly through his hair. ‘This wasn’t part of the deal, Soli,’ he bit out, his voice icy cold and the expression in his eyes so hard it made her shiver.
A feeling of pure dread flooded through her body.
‘I take it you want to keep the baby?’ he asked.
‘Of course I do,’ she gasped, horrified that he’d even think for one second that she’d consider not doing so. ‘But if you don’t want to be involved I’ll find a way to look after it on my own,’ she shot back angrily, wounded by his harsh reaction.
‘The hell you will,’ he snapped.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘It means there’s no way I’m going to abandon my child. Or its mother.’
‘But you’ve been so sure about not wanting to stay married after the year’s up,’ she pointed out, unable to keep the hurt out of her voice.
He just shrugged. ‘We’ll work something out. I can speak to Russell and get him to make some amendments to the contract,’ he said, his stiff practicality sending little shocks of dismay through her.
‘You want us to continue having a contract?’ she said, appalled by the thought of it. Had it really come to this? Was he going to keep treating her—and now their child—like a commodity? Just as his parents had done to him?
‘Isn’t that what every mother wants?’ he said coolly. ‘To know that she and her child will never have money troubles again?’
His dispassion shocked her. She’d seen him flip into business mode before but this was a step way beyond that.
‘No! That’s not what I want! I want a partner who loves me. Who wants to be with me for me. Not because he feels he has to because we have a child together.’ She wrapped her arms around her body, aware that she was shaking now. ‘We’ll only end up resenting each other. It’ll be hell living in the same house and I can’t let my child grow up in that sort of toxic environment. I can’t spend the rest of my life with you if you don’t love me back, Xavier. Because I love you!’
He wasn’t looking at her now, but down at the floor instead, with a muscle flicking in his jaw.
‘Do you love me?’ she whispered brokenly, her heart thumping painfully in her throat.
He didn’t answer her right away, but even before he opened his mouth to speak she could tell what he was going to say from the tension in his body language.
‘I’m not sure I’m capable of loving anyone any more.’
The expression in his eyes was as hard as marble when he finally looked at her.
Grief squeezed her chest, stealing her breath away.
‘If you can’t love me, I can’t stay here with you any longer,’ she said, her voice barely making it past her lips. ‘I’ll make sure this child has all the love it needs and a happy life, but I’ll do it without you and your money.’
She went to sweep past him but he put out a hand to stop her. ‘Soli, don’t be ridiculous—’
Her whole body was suddenly hot now. Burning with anger. ‘Don’t call me ridiculous! I’m sick of hearing that from you. I know you think I’m just some naïve idiot with money problems, but know this: I’m capable of being happier than you’ll ever be because I let people into my heart and treat them with genuine respect—like an equal. If you can’t get past that block you have, if you’re not willing to, then there’s no hope for you, Xavier McQueen. No matter how many houses you own or how much money you have, you’ll never be happy if you can’t learn to let go and fall in love again, to trust and share your life with someone else. With me!’ Her voice broke on the last word but she fought back the tears, determined not to cry.
Letting out a loud, painful-sounding sigh, he sat down on the edge of the hall table and looked up at her with such cold resentment she felt a shiver run down her spine.
‘Where do we go from here?’ she whispered, panic rising in her chest.
He frowned and shook his head. ‘I don’t know, Soli. I just don’t know. I don’t think I can give you what you want.’
She saw his throat move as he swallowed but his gaze remained implacable.
After what felt like a lifetime of silence, where it became plain he wasn’t going to tell her what she needed to hear, she realised the only thing she could do now was get out of there, just so she could calm down and think straight again. She needed to figure out what the hell she was going to do without him.
‘Okay. Well, it’s clear how you really feel about me.’ She coughed to ease the painful tension in her throat. ‘So I’m going to go home,’ she said shakily, willing herself to hold it together, just for a few more minutes.
He didn’t say anything as she turned and walked away. He didn’t follow her up to the room they’d shared so happily for the last few weeks and he wasn’t at the front door when she let herself out with a small bag she’d packed.
In short, he made it crystal clear that he wasn’t going to stop her from leaving.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Game of Life—spin the wheel of fate for a chance at the life you want.
IT WAS VERY QUIET in the house once she’d gone.
Xavier
paced the floor for what felt like hours, trying to reconcile his thoughts about what Soli had said to him. And what he’d said to her.
Her out-of-the-blue revelation had blindsided him—his harsh words a reaction to the crushing fear that he’d been wrong to relax around her. He’d been totally unprepared for how to handle her unexpected and shocking news, and something dark and instinctive had reared up from deep inside him, making him lash out at her. To protect himself.
The whole time they’d been sleeping together he’d been afraid of this happening, but he’d pushed it away, not wanting to dwell on it, telling himself he was worrying for no reason. He thought he’d been so careful, so clever, using extra protection and making sure they were both on the same page. But he’d forgotten about Corsica. The one weak spot in the whole game.
A restless sort of dread lay heavily in his stomach as he paced around, his veins on fire with adrenaline and terror.
He couldn’t give himself fully to her, not in the way she wanted. He’d protected himself from loving anyone else ever since Harriet had torn his heart to shreds and he’d seriously believed he wasn’t cut out for that sort of relationship with anyone ever again. He was his parents’ son, after all.
And he’d managed to keep his feelings under control and his heart protected, until Soli had come along and turned his world upside down.
Letting her in had been such a gradual process, he’d barely noticed it. He thought they were just having fun, but from the way he was feeling now that she’d walked out on him it was clear she’d worked her way firmly into his affections.
He spent a rough night, barely sleeping a wink, Soli’s sweet scent on his sheets haunting his dreams when he did sleep.
Getting up groggy and tired the next day, with his head heavy and tight with stress, he made his way down to the kitchen in the hope that a strong cup of coffee would help him think straight.
Just the sight of the empty room where he and Soli had spent so much time enjoying each other’s company made him want to punch a wall in frustrated regret.
What was he going to do? How would he handle this? He suddenly desperately wanted her to be there to talk to—to see her kind, reassuring smile again. Supporting him. Caring for him.
Not that she was ever likely to be doing that again after the way he’d treated her.
Did he really believe he couldn’t love her?
He didn’t know any more—his head felt as if it was stuffed with cotton wool, and his blood was like sludge in his veins.
Dropping his head into his hands, he let out a loud, frustrated sigh and sank back against the work surface, feeling the hard ridge of it digging in to his spine, but he didn’t move; instead he revelled in the pain it caused him, glad of the distraction from the more problematic pain in his heart.
* * *
The next few days were hell.
Soli kept her word, staying away from the house, and from him.
He’d thought it would be okay, that it would be hard but he’d be able to cope without her there, but he felt sick every time he came downstairs and found she still hadn’t returned. The house was so silent and dark without her, as if she’d taken all the life and colour of the place with her when she left.
Most distressingly, the house no longer felt like his home.
There was a constant, tight ache in his chest, which he accepted, when he finally allowed himself to acknowledge it, was because he missed her.
He missed her like crazy.
The following Saturday he woke up early, the sense of doom he’d been carrying around with him since she’d gone weighing on him more heavily than ever.
Once downstairs he found he couldn’t settle to anything. It was too quiet, too still in the house, so he grabbed his jacket and walked to Hampstead Village in search of something to distract him.
He was just passing some seating outside a coffee house when he heard someone calling his name. Turning to see who it was, he felt his pulse leap as he saw Harriet sitting in one of the chairs, cradling a tightly swaddled baby.
‘Harriet. How are you?’ he asked, his voice a little unsteady with a strange kind of yearning that had swelled in him at the sight of the child in her arms.
‘I’m really well, thanks. Meet Harry, my son,’ she said, beaming down towards the baby.
‘Hello, Harry,’ Xavier said, bending down to look more closely at the tiny human in her arms, fighting back an intense surge of emotion that was threatening to engulf him.
Would his and Soli’s child be a boy? he wondered wildly, his heart thumping hard at the thought.
‘Where’s Soli?’ Harriet asked, as if sensing his turmoil.
‘She’s at home,’ he lied, standing up straight again, pain throbbing hard through his chest at the sound of her name.
‘I guess the two of you might be having your own little bundle of joy soon,’ Harriet said with a twinkle in her eye. ‘I always thought you’d make a fabulous father, despite what I said all those years ago.’ She appeared to swallow and blink, as if suddenly uncomfortable. ‘Listen, I just wanted to say sorry for the way I treated you back then,’ she went on before he could respond. ‘It was an incredibly selfish way to behave.’ Her smile was full of what looked like genuine regret now. ‘I was afraid you didn’t really love me for me, you just thought I ticked all the boxes for the sort of woman you thought you should be marrying.’ She hugged her son a little tighter to her. ‘But I guess it all worked out for the best. You and Soli looked so happy together when I saw you at the party.’
‘We were,’ he said, realising with a shock that he was actually speaking the truth now. He had been happy then. ‘And I forgive you for what happened with us. You were right; we wouldn’t have been good for each other. We probably would have made each other miserable.’
And he really meant that too.
Because he recognised now that Soli was right for him. She’d brought him back from the brink of despair and helped him realise that he wasn’t like his parents at all; that he was capable of loving someone other than himself. Soli made him happy because she truly cared about him, for him, just as Great-Aunt Faith had. The warmth that the two most important women in his life had bestowed on him had instinctively made him feel secure. Wanted.
Loved.
Which was what he’d really been trying to hang on to all along. Not the house, but the security he’d thought it had represented.
He turned away from Harriet to stare at the empty space beside him, remember how he’d grown used to turning to find Soli smiling at him and how it had felt like being given a shot of adrenaline straight to his heart.
His life was empty without her.
Dragging in a deep, fortifying breath, he turned to glance in the opposite direction, towards the rental units he owned on the High Street, suddenly so clearly knowing exactly what he wanted.
He wanted Soli back. And he wanted their child too. He wanted them to be a family—something he’d always longed for, but had previously accepted he’d never have. Until now. Until her.
So what the hell was he doing still standing there?
Blood pulsing hard through his body, he said goodbye to Harriet and started off in the direction of the board game café. He was going to talk this thing out with Soli once and for all. Exactly what he was going to say, he wasn’t sure, but he felt confident it would come to him as soon as he set eyes on her.
He knew some sort of grand gesture was in order if he had any chance of winning her back though. He’d done too much damage with his selfish silence to just expect her to listen to his demands.
She was too self-possessed for that.
He needed to find a way to prove to her that he was genuinely sorry and that he meant it when he told her he couldn’t live without her. That he wanted them to be a real family, something he’d never had before—had never felt worthy of—b
ut had ached for his whole life.
But what if she turned him down? What if she just laughed in his face?
His pace slowed as the idea rattled through him and he stopped and leant a hand against the window of the nearest shop as a dark kind of fear seized him.
That was probably what he deserved after the way he’d treated her, but could he really put himself through that sort of humiliation again? It had nearly killed him the last time it had happened to him.
On the other hand, was he really prepared to lose everything he’d ever wanted because he was too afraid he might lose it later? That made no sense at all. His damn stupid pride was getting in the way of his happiness, and Soli’s too, and he couldn’t allow that to happen. She was the only person that had never let him down.
She loved him. That was abundantly clear.
And he knew without a doubt that she’d make an incredible mother to his child and the most loving, caring partner he could ever hope for.
Even if he struggled to get the loving thing right, he knew that Soli would be there the whole way, backing him up and evening him out. They would make a brilliant team.
He wanted her back. The woman who had helped him live again and appreciate everything he had for more than just its monetary worth.
The woman who made him happy.
The woman he loved.
He knew with absolute clarity now that the house meant nothing to him if she wasn’t in it. It was just bricks and mortar, full of ghosts and regrets—an empty shell without her.
She, and her love and affection, was what he’d really needed all along.
The house was his past, but she was his future. She and their baby.
With unwavering resolve making his heart thump hard in his chest, he started walking swiftly towards the café again, prepared to do everything in his power to save their marriage.
He was in love with Soli and he was going to do whatever it took to prove it to her.
* * *
Soli was practically dead on her feet.
She’d not slept properly since leaving Xavier’s house—the place she’d previously begun to consider her home too until she’d been made to feel supremely unwelcome there—and it was really beginning to show.
A Contract, a Wedding, a Wife? Page 14
