by Kaela Coble
I thought what I wanted was to embarrass them, but when she brought that letter up to the podium at the wedding, I could have died all over again. Reading it at Emmett’s wedding? It would have been a bit more soap opera than I intended, but just imagine Emmett’s face as Mom announced—in church—that he was a drug dealer! And that’s not to mention all the others. The scene alone following that would have fed the Chat for the entire next year!
I wish I could tell Charlene now that it all served a much higher purpose in the end, that what she’s tortured herself over actually turned out okay. If I hadn’t outed my friends, if she hadn’t kept on top of them, they would have drifted back apart the minute I was in the ground. And worse, their secrets would have remained as buried as my body, never to be dealt with. I can’t really blame them for not sharing the whole truth. They don’t want to shine a light on the darkest parts of their souls, the weakest parts. They were sure, like all of us are sure, that no one could possibly love us if they knew who we truly are.
What they don’t understand—what I didn’t understand myself, until now—is that those dark, weak parts are not ugly. They are not unlovable. They are what make us beautiful. Resilient. Strong. They turn us into who we were meant to be. The way to be sure that happens, and to be sure we won’t be crushed by the burden, is to redistribute the weight a little so someone else can come along, wedge their shoulder under it, and help us carry it.
Emmett starts off the ceremony, reading the same fake secret Steph did months before. He is happy to report his condition remains stable, and he is adjusting to “life at a lower intensity.” (After this, he will pitch this phrase to Ruby for her next writing project, to which she will reply, “Write your own damn book.”) He apologizes to the crew for hiding his illness from them, but they wave him away. Who are they not to forgive him?
When he’s done talking, he tosses the slip of paper into the fire, and everyone cheers. Ruby shows no sign that she knows his real secret. Murphy doesn’t either, although he was in on the scam. The garage Emmett went to? In Montreal? I had no connection to it. When Murphy’s brother came for his weekly weed purchase, I made sure to tell him all about the big joke, including the dates of Emmett’s “drug runs.” Just as I suspected, the little puppet ran straight to Murphy, who took over from there, leaving envelopes of cash in Emmett’s mailbox in the middle of the night.
Murphy never said a word to anyone, and I wish I had thanked him. And now that Emmett is out of the woods, I really wish I could tell him what we did, just to see the look on his face. God help me, I still get a chuckle out of it. I do feel a little bad that Emmett feels responsible for those people who died, but the work he and Steph are doing at the clinic has changed him, made him more compassionate, made him understand me better. And those people really do need help. It’s that whole higher-purpose thing again.
Ally goes next. She talks about our time together, and how as much as she loves Aaron, she misses the way I used to let her be the worst version of herself, the weakest and the meanest, because with everyone else she felt like she had to be perfect. She’s learning to let go of the mean, but share the weak. The sick thing? I preferred her at her worst because that’s when she needed me. In the end, I was made of some of the same stuff as Roger. Ruby knows that from that awful fight in her dorm room. I’m not proud of it. (When she’s done talking, she tosses her slip of paper into the fire, and everyone cheers.)
Murphy relays my phone call telling him Ruby was going to have an abortion. He says how much he regrets letting her go through it alone. He tells them he’s been trying to change, to grow up, to get ready for a family. Nobody but Ally notices the look he shoots at Ruby when he says it. When Murphy’s done talking, he tosses his slip of paper into the fire, and everyone cheers.
Ruby apologizes for hiding her pregnancy from Murphy, careful not to use the word abortion. A lot of questions came after their secrets were revealed, and piece by piece, the truth about what happened between them the year leading up to the pregnancy came out. Depending on who you ask, it is either a love story that has yet to find its true end (Ally), or a simple tale of a horny teenage boy who would do or say anything and everything to keep having sex after losing his virginity (Emmett). Only I know the truth.
Ruby talks about how my death has made her deal with things she hadn’t gotten over, flicking her eyes to Murphy. She says she’s finally truly moving on, and perhaps she finally is. Jamie, her old boyfriend, is coming to New York this summer to spend time with her, even scope out some “flats” if all goes as well as it has been on the phone. They’ve even talked about weekend getaways to some snowy, rustic cabin in Vermont—somewhere outside Chatwick but close enough to visit “the family.” A change of pace from the city, where they can pour prose into their notebooks by a roaring fire. When Ruby’s done talking, she tosses the slip of paper into the fire, and everyone cheers.
Ruby pulls out another slip of paper, mine, which she saved because it was one of the last things I ever wrote. During this visit home, she will visit my mother and collect the notebooks I filled up with poems and heroin-induced rants. She doesn’t know it yet, but she will use them in her second novel, which will be about me. About all of us.
She hands the slip of paper to Murphy, her partner in my crime, and Murphy reads it to the crew. He and Ruby remember aloud the night Roger died, and all the nights leading up to it. The stones against Ruby’s window. The bruises and cuts. The first of their late-night phone calls. Everybody cries, but when Isabelle joins them, they start to laugh. Then Murphy tosses my secret into the fire, and everyone cheers.
They have forgiven me my sins, and now I can move on, but I stay to watch for a while longer. I watch them as they hold hands—a little too Kumbaya for my taste, but okay. I watch the fire take their slips of paper, five pages of grief and love and shame igniting, pieces of them breaking away, little orange embers escaping into the black, cloudless sky.
They sniffle and watch, hypnotized, until the sound of a police siren jars them. They scramble to collect their chairs and the remainders of their bottles of beer. They run away, laughing, huddled together like a pack of wolves. They separate only when it comes time to jump into their cars and peel away from trouble, only to end up back together at Margie’s Pub.
Look at them.
READING GROUP GUIDE
1. Imagine you are one of the crew listening to Danny’s threatening letter. What do you do? Do you immediately tell the group your secret, or do you try to keep it hidden?
2. Secrets, and the many ways keeping secrets affect our lives, plays a major role throughout the book. How did keeping secrets affect the lives of each of the characters, as well as their friendships? How do you think their lives were changed when their secrets were revealed? How do the secrets we keep play a role in our own lives? Which member of the crew do you relate to the most: Ruby, Murphy, Ally, Emmett, or Danny? Why? Do you think you would’ve been able to keep their secrets? Whose perspective was most enjoyable to read? Who would you like to have heard more from?
3. Why do you think Danny set up this game? Was it because he wanted to bring his friends back together, or was something more malevolent driving him forward? How do you think he would feel about the fact that none of them, at first, revealed their true secret?
4. Ruby St. James is the girl who got out of Chatwick. Do you think she is better off in New York City, or is she happier after returning to her hometown and confronting her past? Have you ever lived away from your hometown? How does it feel to return?
5. What do you make of the relationship between Ruby and her parents, particularly her mother? How do you think their relationship will change through Ruby’s experience coming back to Chatwick?
6. Ally referred to Ruby and Murphy as darkness and light, respectively. How did this theme emerge throughout the story between them and other characters? Did it make sense to you that they did not end up tog
ether, or do you feel that their journey is incomplete?
7. We get the sense that Chatwick is the quintessential small-town America. What are the pros of living there? What are the cons? If you could move there, would you?
8. Describe Murphy and Ruby’s friendship. Do you think it is a strong one? What do you think of Murphy when he chooses Taylor over Ruby after telling Ruby that he loved her? Do you think Ruby should forgive him?
9. Imagine yourself in Krystal’s shoes. How would you react to Ruby returning to town? What if you were Ruby and you see that Krystal and Murphy have some sort of relationship? Do you think Krystal is justified to spill Ally’s secret?
10. Who do you think has the biggest secret? What are the repercussions on the group?
11. Where do you think Danny’s troubles began? Do you think his friends are partially responsible for his dark past or the way things ended for him? What could they have done differently?
12. How do you think Danny’s letters affect each member of the crew? What do you think happens to each of them after the book ends?
13. Think of your closest or hometown friends. Do Ruby, Murphy, Ally, Emmett, or Danny remind you of any of them? In what ways? Do you think growing up with a group of friends makes them different from friends you meet later on in life? What is that bond like?
A CONVERSATION WITH THE AUTHOR
What was your inspiration for Chatwick? Is it at all like where you grew up?
I did grow up in a small town in Vermont, which Chatwick was inspired by. Like Ruby, I moved away for a time but drifted in and out over the years. It’s a special place that has gone through many phases, including a recent major revitalization to the downtown area, and I’ve always considered myself lucky to have grown up there. My husband and I actually plan to move there soon!
Which character do you relate to the most?
I actually relate to all of the characters. It’s hard not to when you write through their perspectives!
I perhaps relate the most to Ruby because we share some similar experiences. When I was a teenager, I was desperate to get out of my hometown, and now that I’ve done that, I’m desperate to go back and be a part of that community. Ruby also has this dichotomy between belonging to her group and feeling outside of it. She feels different and dark and worries that if people really knew her, she wouldn’t be loved or accepted. Who doesn’t feel like that when they’re in high school?
Which character was the most challenging to write?
Danny, for sure. Especially in the prologue, because I had to make him so mean to all the characters I love so dearly. But I had to show how angry he was at the people he used to count as friends in order to justify his behavior and the game he devised. A lot of people feel sorry for Danny—and, of course, he was a tragic character—but I was also frustrated with him because he consistently blamed others for his problems, many of which were of his own creation. And because he committed suicide, he didn’t get to have that growth that the other characters got to experience throughout the book. I took tremendous creative license by having him experience this posthumously, but I just had to show that he had seen the error of his ways and became more loving and forgiving of the characters.
On the other hand, the most fun to write was definitely Ally. She is loosely based on a real person, but I amped her up about ten notches to be more of a Queen Bee type, and it was so fun to write through her perspective. When I read her back, she still cracks me up!
Your novel centers on the, at times, fragile but overall unshakable bond between these five childhood friends. While writing, did your own friendships serve as inspiration for these characters?
Yes. Like the town, the characters are also inspired by a group of friends I grew up with. As with Ally, I amplified everyone to create a more dramatic story, and I mixed and matched some qualities to create common themes. What I really wanted to capture was the unique relationships we had between each other and as a group. It’s very cool how our friendship has changed and evolved but always kept the same solid foundation. I gave them each a copy of the book before it was published, and thankfully, they were all supportive and still like me!
Do you think there is a difference between the friendships we make when we are young versus the friendships we discover later in life?
Absolutely. The friendships we form when we’re young—particularly ones that endure through adolescence and beyond—are so much more intense than the ones we develop as adults. Our very identity in youth is often wrapped up in who we’re friends with. We’re dependent on our friends for acceptance and belonging in school and outside our family structure. Childhood friends have such an influence on you and who you become even later in life. That’s not to knock the friendships we form as adults—those help shape us and get us through the hard times as well. But when we grow up, partner off, and have children and busy careers, our priorities tend to change, and we’re not as dependent on them in our daily lives.
I dedicated my book to “my crew, for the family kind of friendship that endures through all the drama, that feels the same no matter the time or distance between meetings, and that loves even when it doesn’t like.” I think that sums it up. I’m lucky to have the kind of friends who would drop anything to help and support each other, who have each other’s backs, no questions asked.
Do you think Ruby gets a happily ever after once the story ends? Is it with Murphy or Jamie, or by herself?
Well, I certainly don’t think I’m done with Ruby or any of these characters yet. I’m hoping I will get a chance to revisit them down the road, so we’ll have to wait and see how Ruby’s story continues…but I will say that I think Ruby is better off for having returned to Chatwick and unburdening herself of her secret to the people who really needed to know it. Murphy, of course, but also her mother, who she’s had such a troubled relationship with. I think this revelation will help repair some of that damage and move them into the next phase of the parent/child relationship.
What do you think made Ruby and Murphy’s relationship so complicated? Was it simply their youth or something more?
Oh goodness, what wasn’t complicated about their relationship? I think they were originally bonded together by their shared secret with Danny about his stepfather’s death, which is a lot for a couple of preteens to wrap their heads around. It was a somewhat tumultuous path to being best friends. Then, of course, whenever you introduce sex into a friendship, things get infinitely more complex. Murphy was Ruby’s first love, which we all know is very powerful because it’s the first time we experience such intense emotions, but it is compounded by the tie between Murphy and the baby she gave up (which she never allowed herself to process and move on from). They both have resentment toward each other—Ruby for being rejected and then later when she finds out Murphy knew she was pregnant and didn’t reach out to her, and Murphy because Ruby didn’t tell him about the pregnancy and because she took her friendship away as punishment for him choosing another girl. We also can’t be sure what Murphy’s feelings are (or ever were) for Ruby, but clearly, there is still a strong connection and attraction. They attempt to unpack all this in their last scene alone together. But as in life, we don’t always get a tidy resolution or closure with the people from our past.
What do you like to do when you’re not writing?
Ha! That’s a funny question, because lately I feel like all I do is write. I also have a full-time job and do career coaching on the side, so I am one busy woman! But when I do have time, I like to veg out with my husband and my dog. We just started golfing together (my husband and I, not my dog and I), and my husband is very patient while I swear and beat my clubs into the ground. And I like to spend time with friends and family. I have three nieces and three nephews who I adore.
It’s very easy to relate to Chatwick and this friend group. In some ways, it feels like the universal hometown and high school experience. Ho
w did you craft such a realistic portrayal?
Well, as I said, the town and friend group are heavily grounded in my experiences, so you can’t get more realistic than that! But I think it’s probably so easy to relate to because we all have those friendships, those traumatic events, those heartbreaks, those feelings of being trapped but also afraid to move on. No matter where we go in life, no matter how successful we become, everyone still has that traumatized little high schooler inside of them that they either try to live up to or overcome (or sometimes both).
If you could go back to your senior year and give high school Kaela some advice, what would it be?
Oh my God—SO much advice that high school Kaela probably wouldn’t have listened to. I think I would have told her: Don’t be afraid to share things with the people who love you (even, or especially, the ugly bits). Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and ask for help when you’re going through something major. Don’t push everyone away just because one person hurt you. Don’t go to Boston—you’ll hate it. Study psychology and writing in college instead of PR—you’ll hate that too, once you start working in it. And for God’s sake, your hair is curly; ditch the hair dryer and get some gel!
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First of all, I have to thank my agent, Stephanie Kip Rostan, and my editors, Shana Drehs and Sara O’Keefe, for championing this little piece of my heart. Your knowledge, guidance, and cheerleading have been much appreciated by this newbie.
Next, to my friends and family, thank you for the years and years and years you listened to me bitch about how hard it is to get published, without once outright saying that I should give up on the dream.
So many thanks to the wonderful people who read this book in its early phases: Randy Coble, Shayla Ruland, Cathy Wille, Meredith Tate Servello, Kathryn Saris, Loren Bowley Dow, and my mom, Deborah Plant (who, reverting to her schoolteacher days, put a checkmark at the top of every page that didn’t contain a spelling or grammatical error), and to Louise Walters, my mentor through the WoMentoring Project. Without question, your honest feedback and relentless encouragement are what made this manuscript worth publishing in the first place.
