by Cee Smith
“Yeah, maybe…”
Lunch was more of the same—people passed me with hopeful smiles and pleasant introductions, some went so far as to sit at my table, but I was too engaged in my own thoughts to strike up any real conversations.
I removed the orange from my purse that was thrown in last minute as I dashed from my apartment, hell-bent on being on time for my first day. My fingernails pierced the skin, releasing the citrusy fragrance with a spritz of juice that fanned across the table like the dancing jets outside the Bellagio. I released the tension in my fingers and continued peeling.
Maggie didn’t mention a project when she hired me, and it seemed my own team didn’t know why I was hired. I felt like I had revealed a secret, but no one told me that it was one. Was it really so rare to report to Mr. Belford? I was technically part of the marketing team so it made sense to be in their pod, but would he ask me to share a pod with him? I was used to working under pressure, but how would that feel to work directly under my boss’s nose? The idea of having someone watch me work didn’t sit well with me. In fact, it was the exact thing I hated about the corporate world.
With break-time over I returned to the anxious awareness of being the new girl and all that encompassed—understanding duties, discovering cliques, and establishing oneself in the hierarchy of work performance.
“So, how are things going so far? Are you having a good first day?” Maggie asked with a sincere intent. Her eyes were a warm brown that somehow made her hair shine brighter and her skin glow like a grilled peach.
“Great. I don’t think the day could go any better. I’ve really enjoyed meeting everyone, and I can’t wait to get started. You know, really dig in.” That’s what I was supposed to say, right? At least that was the enthusiasm Wikipages mentioned on “How to Succeed in the Corporate World.” And I was officially in the corporate world—yes everyone that worked here held an organic-modern-hipster vibe, but it still had the stuffiness of any other corporation in a five-block radius. It could have been the money flaunted in every abstract chair and glass pod, or maybe it was simply the prestige that came with working at Digital Monument.
“Good. If you’re ready, I figured I’d walk you to Mr. Belford’s office.”
“It’s right here, isn’t it?” I pointed to the adjacent office.
“Yes, but his assistant, Catherine, is away from the office and I figured I’d fill in.” She’d guided me the ten feet to his office and rapped on his door while simultaneously opening it.
She stood to the right, holding the high-glossed door open wide for me to pass the threshold.
“Mr. Belford, this is your three o’clock, our new hire, Indigo Ericson.” I skirted inside a step, giving Maggie a thankful smile before she shut the door, leaving me alone to meet my new boss.
I turned away from the door, making my way to the large desk with an equally imposing man. The building was cut at weird angles so there was a narrow window casting light across the left side of his face, painting him in yellow and gold light that made his skin look like double-glazed porcelain. I couldn’t help but trace the width of his shoulders. His sandy-blonde hair held a subtle wave that looked like it might have relented to his fussing after a fresh shower and heavy-handed pomade, but grew unruly as the day wore on.
A large potted plant sat just to the left of his desk. On the right was a lounge area with everything one would find in a typical living room: sofa, chair, rug, lamp, and coffee table. There was nothing loud, nothing that signaled the distinct tastes of the man sitting on the other side of the desk. The room was decorated in blacks and grays, beiges and browns; the plant being the only real punctuation of color. Despite the comfort of the room, it was the man behind the desk that drew me closer. Maybe there was a mystery that clouded the moment, something clandestine in the way his face hovered above his desk, concealing his features until the moment he wanted to reveal himself.
“My apologies.” Mr. Belford gave a flourish of his wrist. I hadn’t noticed what kept his attention from acknowledging me. I had been too busy taking measure of the man by way of his surroundings, his posture, and the subtleties in his movements that would say more about who he was than any words he could conjure. He didn’t need to say anything for me to feel comfortable with him.
“I just needed to wrap up one more approval. Welcome, Ms. Ericson. Please, take a seat.”
Did my mouth slacken when our eyes met? Were my eyes huge with knowledge of this would-be stranger? Did my feet falter as my legs continued on the path of their intended destination unbeknownst to my mind’s disbelief?
His green eyes guided me to the furniture where I clumsily patted the arms to make sure my ass actually made it in the chair without breaking eye contact. I was confused by the comfortable ease in which he smiled. How could he act all “business-y” like I hadn’t blown his brains out in the back of a subway car only a few months ago. I smiled brighter.
Stop.
Too much teeth.
Subtle. Subtle, I chastised myself.
My smile was as artificial as those leather shoes I got down in Chinatown. It was all wrong. All of those months spent searching for him and there he was right in front of me, but he looked so unaffected by seeing me. Maybe it was the hair. I knew I shouldn’t have worn my hair in a braid. It was too long, the pleat too thick. Tea refers to my hair as my “glory,” but I wasn’t feeling too fucking glorious right then.
“Has Ms. Peters had a chance to show you around the office? Introduce you to your new co-workers?”
Should I have said no? Would he have given me a tour? With my luck I’d say no and Maggie would get in trouble—not quite how I wanted to start my new job.
“Yes. Mag—Ms. Peters has introduced me to pretty much anything with two legs.” I smiled before realizing what I had just said to my boss. I needed to pull it together. This wasn’t the place to fall apart. I would have to wait until I was back at home to give this the sufficient breakdown it needed.
All pleasantness drained from his face as he began speaking, “Very well. I know you’ve sat through countless videos filling you in on our successes and various awards, and that’s fine and well, but I want to make sure that you know the most important element, and what I believe makes us so successful, is our understanding of people. A lot of times clients come with a preconceived idea in their heads. Oftentimes it’s an idea they’ve seen, something they’ve heard. An idea already realized. It’s our job to discover the elements that speak to them and create something that surpasses their expectations. To give them a new dream. We want to make sure that every new member shares this vision. I’ve seen what you’re capable of, and I’m excited to see what you bring to the table.”
I know what I can bring to your table.
“I’m sure Ms. Peters filled you in that you will be reporting to me?”
“Yes.”
“When you are co-working on projects with the rest of the team, you’ll be reporting to Ms. Peters. For everything else, you will report to me. Our meetings should already be scheduled in your calendar. Unless otherwise noted, we will meet Tuesdays and Fridays. Since I am your direct boss, any conflicting meetings on your end will need to be cleared by me. Any projects I assign to you will supersede any and all other projects. If you’re finding this is creating any discord, please direct anyone to come see me. You shouldn’t have any problems.”
My throat dried up while he continued rattling off demands. The thermostat must have spiked because my body grew hotter and my legs became tightly confined by my pencil skirt. Maybe it was body heat making the room seem too small. I pulled at the neck of my blouse, hoping for a flit of air to spiral down the valley of my breasts. That was just what I needed, to leave there with sweaty pits. Mr. Belford looked unaffected by the heat.
A king on his throne.
Somehow, even though I was sitting eye-level with him, I still had that feeling I did on the subway, on my knees looking up at Vett like he was a god, a savior. Someone to
worship or pray to. Either way, there was definitely a disparity there, and not because he was my boss—though that was obvious—no, it was in the way he held himself. How his face looked like etched marble, in spite of the dusting of stubble that banked his jaw and rose up around his mouth like a tidal wave leaving bits of sand in its wake.
“I was told there might be a special project that you’ll have me working on?”
“I’ll provide you with some of the details during tomorrow morning’s meeting. As my employee you’ll be privy to information that the rest of the team may not be, so I’m expecting that you’ll be able to distinguish proprietary information versus public. If you need me to differentiate the two, I can. Now do you have any questions for me, Ms. Ericson?”
Am I being dismissed? The way he vacillated from warm and friendly to fierce and no-nonsense left me stunned.
“No. I think you’ve answered everything. I just want to say I’m very excited to be working here, underneath you.”
“We’re happy to have you, Ms. Ericson. Have a good rest of your day.”
My arms wavered as I extricated myself from the chair and made my way to the door. I looked back one more time to see he’d already become engulfed in something else. His head hung low above his desk, shielding those dazzling eyes of his. Once outside his doors, I paused to take a breath, looking around to see if there were witnesses to my temporary lapse of composure. My hand clutched my chest, feeling the frantic beat of my heart. I was so affected by him and yet, he hadn’t even recognized me.
I hustled back to my desk to retrieve my phone. There was only one person I could call who would understand the royal clusterfuck I found myself in.
I’m calling you in 2 secs, you better answer!!!! I texted Tea, once I had my phone steadily in hand.
I made my way to the restroom, hoping to have a little more privacy to semi-lose my shit.
“Hey, Indy. A couple of us are going to head over to Milligan’s after work. We could turn this into a celebratory “Welcome to the Team” type get together if you don’t already have plans,” Maggie asked. We were both off running in different directions and I nodded my head and said sure, not really understanding her question. My mind was already two minutes into my future conversation with Tea.
“Great, I’ll stop by your desk in a bit.”
Slipping into the restroom, I checked beneath each stall before dialing Tea. I didn’t usually call her at work, but desperate times called for desperate measures.
“I take it your first day isn’t going so well? You do realize you’re technically off the clock in fifteen minutes, right? You could have called me when you got off.”
I didn’t even bother looking at the time. It could have been one minute before I was supposed to leave and I’d still be hovering over the toilet, phone in hand.
Cupping my mouth with my hand, I created a megaphone to project my rushed whisper, “It’s a fucking emergency.”
“What the hell, it’s your first day. What could possibly constitute an emergency? Did you start your period. Man, that wou—”
“No, no. I didn’t start. It’s my boss—”
“Is he an asshole?”
“No, he’s not an asshole. He’s the guy, Tea.”
“Oh, so you already know him?” She sounded perplexed, like she still didn’t understand why that would be a problem for me. “Is it someone you don’t like?”
“No, Tea, he’s the man. You know, Suit.” I glanced beneath the stall again to double-check that someone hadn’t entered since I had started my phone call. In case I was too absorbed to notice the sound of the door.
“Suit? Oh, fuck. You mean…oh my god, what did you say? What did he say? Did you tell him you’ve been looking for him? Tell me you at least know his last name now?”
“Yes, apparently Vett is a nickname. That’s not why I’m freaking out though. I mean, it’s part of the reason, but Tea, he acted like he didn’t know me.”
“What? Were you around other people?”
“No, we were completely alone in his office. Do you think he forgot?”
“No fucking way. Even if your oral skills were fucking abysmal, there is no way he’d forget that. No man would. No matter how hot you say the guy is, I’m sure that doesn’t happen every day.”
“Then why would he act like he didn’t know me? I don’t know what mortifies me more—the fact that he’s my boss now or the fact that he doesn’t remember me. What was I supposed to say? Hey, Vett, yeah we actually met before. Here let me re-enact the scene of me on my knees. You might recognize me better? How am I supposed to work with him? Never mind that he seems like a total hard-ass.”
“You’ve seen his dick, Indy. If anyone should be embarrassed, it should be him. But you’re both adults. Look, you’ve only got ten more minutes before you’re off. Don’t do or say anything stupid, and we’ll go over next steps when you get home.”
“Fuck, that reminds me. The Assistant Director just asked me out for drinks with the team. You don’t think he’s going to be there, do you?”
“You better hope not. If he is, under no circumstances are you to drink anything around him. The last thing you need is to get wasted in front of your boss, whom you also happened to have sucked off.”
I would have taken her more seriously if her voice had remained completely stern and rigid. Instead, she snickered after saying “suck off” and I felt like my life was one big fucking joke.
This was karma if I’d ever heard of it.
Tuesday, August 18th
I technically didn’t have to be at work until 8 a.m., but with my first official meeting with Mr. Belford, I didn’t want to chance being late. It looked like I was the first of my team in that morning, and I skipped past our pod and headed straight to the kitchen to make a latte and snag a granola bar. I wasn’t even sure I had the stomach for food yet, but I took it with me just in case. Grabbing a cup, I started heating the milk, hating the way the frothing wand seemed to remind me I’d had one drink too many the previous night.
“Hey, Indy.” Maggie floated to the fridge, following my previous movements to make her own coffee.
“Good morning,” I said with what I hoped was a similar enthusiasm.
“Thanks again for coming out with us last night. We should do it again when the rest of the team is back.”
“Yeah, thanks for inviting me. It was nice to spend a little more one-on-one time with the team.”
The machine kicked off, alerting me to my finished latte, and I clutched the cup with both hands like the fuel it was. I blew hard and quick against the steam floating above the cup and took a sip that both burned and soothed me. Maggie watched on with humor in her eyes. “How are you doing this morning?”
“Uh…you know, I’ve been better, but I’ve definitely been worse.”
She chuckled lightly. “Yeah, I definitely don’t miss those days. Word to the wise, don’t let Mr. Belford see you on those days. He’s a bit of a hard-ass when he sees you’re not working at peak performance.”
“Oh, well, I guess it’s a good thing he didn’t show up last night.”
“He normally doesn’t show up to after-work drinks, but I can say this, he’s definitely unpredictable so just when you think he won’t show up…he comes.”
I nearly choked on my drink at the word “comes.” I knew all about how he came.
After speaking with Tea the night before, we came to the conclusion that I was to act like I didn’t know Mr. Belford outside of work. “He doesn’t know you, Indy. For all he knows, you could suck cock on the train all the time. He could have been the third one that day. Treat him like he’s just another dick.”
“First off, I don’t like the type of person you’ve painted me in this scenario. Second, what if he brings it up first? Should I still act like I don’t know what he’s talking about?”
“Indy, you sucked a stranger’s dick. Let’s be real here. That shit doesn’t happen every day, unless of course you’re a pr
ostitute. I think you’re fucking amazing. I wish I could pull some spontaneous crazy shit like that, but if he mentions something about it, for the love of fucking God, do not, I repeat do not act like you don’t know who he is. Then he’ll really think you’re a fucking pro that does that type of thing so frequently you can’t even remember who you’ve blown. And that’s just sad.”
“OK, so then what do I say? What should I do?”
“Act like whatever. You’re both adults.”
We ended the conversation, and I spent the rest of the night googling every variation of Everett Belford’s name. There were three Everett Belfords that had Facebook pages, two of which I deduced were definitely not my boss. The third one’s profile was set to private, which did nothing for me. I clicked on various pages that seemed to include his name, but they were mostly work related—things like awards his team had received or interviews he’d given various sources regarding the company’s success. I read everything, soaking it up like I would be quizzed on it later.
When I was done poring over every interview I could find, I searched through images. Most of which were images Digital Monument had done for clients, but there were three that I found that happened to coincide with some interviews. One happened to be him at a red carpet event—some art opening. In those three images I’d learned that Mr. Belford didn’t have a bad angle. It didn’t look like he had a “bad hair day” either. His model good looks made him picture ready no matter where he was or what he wore. I saved the images to my desktop to revisit later and shut down at 1 a.m. when my eyes couldn’t take another minute of visual stimulation.
I may or may not have looked at his picture that morning before work.
“Indy?”
Shaking off all inappropriate thoughts of my boss, I looked up to find Maggie watching me. I’d only been there two days. The last thing I needed was to spark rumors with my obvious lusting for one of the hottest men ever to grace this Earth.
