by Emma Nichols
Dee stared, briefly assessing the damage. Eva pondered the bright red substance on her fingers and the throbbing in her jaw. ‘You’ll live,’ Dee said, turning away, and heading out into the bar.
Eva pulled herself to stand, stepped into a cubical and sat to pee. Her head was swimming and she closed her eyes to gather her thoughts. She stayed a while, nursing the searing pain in her head and face. Did she deserve that beating after the way she had treated Rosa? She allowed the tears to stream down her face in silence until they started to run dry. Relieving herself she stood slowly and staggered out of the cubicle. She splashed the cool water onto her face hoping it would help. It didn’t. Leaving the bathroom, her vision seemed more blurred than it had earlier.
‘What happened to you?’ Carine stood sharply, reaching out for Eva as she staggered toward their seats.
‘Nothing. I want to go home now,’ Eva responded, unwilling to make eye contact.
‘What the fuck?’ Carine said, noticing the blood in Eva’s hairline. She brushed a thumb over the sticky substance and Eva winced. ‘Christ Eva, what fucking happened?’ Carine said, with genuine concern and passion. She looked around the bar to identify a culprit.
‘I fell over,’ Eva lied.
Carine wasn’t convinced but she was well aware that she had heard all that Eva was prepared to reveal right now. She huffed, grabbed their coats, wrapped an arm around Eva and walked her out of the bar. She hailed a taxi, and directed the driver to her flat.
Once inside, she studied Eva’s head and face. ‘Christ girl, who did you upset?’ Carine said, making the point to Eva. Eva shrugged and tried to move away from the inspection. ‘Eva.’ Carine started to raise her voice. ‘How did this happen?’ She wasn’t backing off until she’d had a proper response and she wasn’t going to wait until Eva was willing to tell her of her own volition, because that time would never come.
‘One of Rosa’s friends.’ Eva said, extending the word friends. Her eyes avoided Carine’s as she spoke, and she tried to sound casual about the incident.
‘We need to call the police,’ Carine said, starting to work her mobile.
‘No.’ Eva’s response took her by surprise. ‘It’s my fault. I caused this.’ Eva’s eyes searched skywards, fighting the tears that threatened, again. She failed, and a trail trickled down her face.
Carine pulled her into her chest and held her there until the sobbing subsided. ‘It’s okay baby, it’s okay.’ The mantra was beginning to send Eva into a trance, and Carine allowed her to sway. ‘Some New Year’s Eve party eh?’ Carine said, softly, with more than a hint of sarcasm.
Eva sniffled then started to chuckle. ‘I am so fucked up,’ she said.
‘No, you’re not. You’re just human Eva. Just like the rest of us.’ Carine released Eva and poured two tumblers of whiskey, handing one to Eva. ‘Cheers,’ she said. ‘To our fucked-up lives,’ she added.
‘Right,’ Eva said, downing the contents in one go. She groaned with pleasure at the burning sensation in her mouth, but as her face moved when she swallowed, she became acutely aware of where the punch had landed. She cupped her chin. ‘I need a shower,’ she said.
‘You know where it is. Use the robe on the back of the door. I’ll dig out a movie.’ Eva nodded, and headed for the bathroom.
19.
Eva’s heart was racing as she paced up and down her living room trying to breathe normally. It was only a small space and she must have done a thousand laps already. She’d chosen a black suit, white shirt, and black tie. Her hands were sweating and with nowhere to put them, she picked at her fingers, reciting the few words of thanks she intended to say. Staring out of the window, trying to control her racing heart, the anxiety intensified at the sight of the taxi. Carine, in a black dress and long black coat, stepped out. Eva had opened her front door before Carine reached it.
‘Ready?’ Carine asked. Eva nodded, every cell in her body shaking in the worst way possible. Carine put an arm around her shoulder and walked her to the waiting car. Even the comfort of the familiar touch didn’t help her to relax the tension that had consumed her body since the early hours of the morning.
The journey to the crematorium seemed to make time stand still, in a bubble of disbelief. As the car pulled into the grounds, the reality dawned again. Eva focused on the beautiful, natural environment. Even for winter, everything looked well attended. The barren trees reflected her feelings of emptiness. Death and destruction was followed by rebirth, apparently. She pondered the concept, staring vacantly as the car moved slowly up the long driveway to the entrance. Nothing would bring her mum back though. A few people had already started to gather outside, awaiting the arrival of the coffin.
Eva climbed out of the car, accepting people’s condolences as she worked her way through to the front of the group, and straight into Anna’s arms. No words passed between them, just a look, as they both held back the tears. Anna squeezed her tightly and for a moment everything felt just a little bit better.
‘I’m so sorry Eva,’ Lauren said.
Eva released herself from Anna’s firm hold. ‘Thank you.’ she said, maintaining her poise.
Carine stepped up behind Eva and introduced herself, immediately recognising Anna from her work with Rowena. She took Eva by the hand, and Eva let her, eliciting a slight frown from Anna as she tried to reconcile her mind’s interpretation of the two women’s relationship to each other.
Eva walked towards the front entrance of the chapel. Frank stood opposite her. He still had a twinkle in his eye, but his thin face looked gaunt. The remaining guests formed a line spanning from the two of them, creating a gap between the lines, leading to the main door. The pallbearers began their walk, passing the mourners with the cherry wood coffin with polished bronze handles perched on their shoulders. They moved the ornately decorated box to the front of the group, and led the way into the chapel. Eva and Frank followed immediately behind the coffin, and as they entered the chapel they peeled away to take their seats at the front. When the service began, Eva could feel her heart thump heavily through her chest and a ringing sensation in her ears. She wondered if she might faint. She watched the Civil Celebrant conducting the service, as if the proceedings were an illusion and she was having an outer body experience. Everything was happening in a blur. Until, the man’s eyes landed with kindness on her, causing the scene to narrow into a fine point of focus in her mind. She stood slowly and made her way to the front, facing the congregation, and looked out across the small group of sombre faces. Most of them she didn’t recognise, but their pain was evident in the glassy and downcast eyes around the room. Any smiles, were smiles of resignation, rather than happiness, and most likely intended to encourage Eva with her words of love and respect. Nothing touched her though, except her own pounding heart. She opened the sheet of paper and stared down at the words, before looking back up. Within a short moment she found herself sat back in her seat, but it was another ten-minutes or more before her heart had settled into its normal rhythm.
*
‘Rowena would have loved it,’ Anna said. She pulled Eva into a tight hug. The small group of friends had gathered in the bistro that had been a big part of Rowena’s life in Paris.
‘I hope so.’ she said with a soft smile. She didn’t feel the sadness she had expected to feel, more a sense of completion. Finally, it was over, and for that, she felt immense relief. She glanced around the room at the people enjoying the sumptuous spread. Carine looked to be working the room as if it were a networking meeting, but Eva was still grateful for the charismatic woman’s efforts with hosting the wake. She watched people reminiscing, looking through a small selection of photos that lay on a table, surrounded by flowers and laughing at shared fond-memories of Rowena. Frank was doing the rounds with the champagne and glanced towards her every now and then, to check she was still okay.
‘So, where’s Rosa?’ Anna asked eventually, unable to wait any longer to pose the question that had been on her lips for the p
ast three hours. Eva held her gaze with a fatalistic look. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she said, throwing her hands in the air.
‘You had enough going on,’ Eva defended herself, knowing her case was a weak one.
‘Even so, you’re my friend for heaven’s sake. You could have said something. I’ll always be here for you.’ Even before the words were uttered, Anna doubted their absolute truth. As much as she loved Eva, and would try to be there for her, her life was consumed with Emilie and Lauren. And, even though she felt as close to Eva as if she were family, they had only ever chatted on an ad hoc basis. She never really knew what was going on in Eva’s life, any more than Eva did in hers. Eva gave her a look that said she knew as much too. ‘I know,’ Anna confessed, reluctantly. ‘I’ve been busy. So, what happened?’ she asked in a softer tone, though not willing to let Eva off the hook. She had seen the two women together often enough to know that there was more to their relationship than just a fling. Anna had even come to believe that Eva was falling in love with the gorgeous surgeon.
Eva updated her, including the gallant act of Rosa’s friend, which received a sharp intake of breath. ‘No way!’ Anna’s voice raised half an octave and her blood was starting to boil. As much as Eva’s actions might be naïve and misguided at times, she was in no way malicious and certainly didn’t deserve to be assaulted.
Eva smiled at her friend’s reaction. It made her feel good, to know Anna cared, but she didn’t need Anna getting upset about it. ‘It’s okay. I’m over that now,’ she said. ‘I’m trying to track down my dad,’ she said, needing a distraction from the Dee saga, then realising she’d potentially just opened another can of worms.
‘Your dad?’ Anna questioned. She was beginning to feel as if she had just returned home from a round-the-world trip, not a three-week break in Corsica. ‘Wow.’ Anna’s gaze rested softly on Eva’s light-blue eyes, seeing for the first time the impact the last few weeks had had on her friend. She reached out and stroked Eva’s arm with tenderness.
‘Yeah I know. A lot has happened.’ Eva raised a smile, but the sadness behind her eyes came across too strongly. ‘I’ll tell you about it another time,’ she said, not wanting to get into that discussion until she had had more information from Mitch. Currently, she didn’t have anything to go on, and the thought had occurred to her that the whole search might come to a dead end very soon. That thought filled her with something she couldn’t define, but it was an unpleasant sensation that she wanted to avoid.
‘Let me know if we can help.’ Anna offered.
‘Thanks.’ Eva said, but her voice sounded a little off key. She watched Anna observing Lauren and it struck her that they were the only people left in her life that she considered family. The thought gripped the back of her throat and she tried to swallow the lump that had started to form. ‘Anyway, how have you been?’ she asked with a shaky tone.
‘Good,’ Anna said, her eyes watching Lauren watching her. She would never tire of those dark eyes on her. Her heart fluttered, and she suppressed the adrenaline that was beginning to send a steady flow of heat to the sensitive parts of her body. Not here, not now, she told herself. It was the blush that gave her away to anyone in the room who might be looking.
Eva smiled kindly. ‘I’m pleased for you both.’ She had noticed.
‘Are you coming to Emilie’s christening?’ Anna asked, changing the subject. ‘28th Feb,’ she added.
‘I hope so,’ Eva responded, but her tone lacked certainty. ‘It depends,’ she said.
‘On your dad?’ Anna asked, softly. Eva nodded.
‘Here baby,’ Carine interrupted the conversation, holding out a glass of champagne for Eva.
Eva shook her head. Her body tensed as the term of endearment hit her ears. Carine had not long started calling her baby, and she hated it. In fact, Carine was beginning to feel like a weight on her shoulders that she didn’t have the energy to carry. ‘I need something stronger,’ she said, excusing herself from Anna and heading to the bar.
‘Hi, again,’ Anna said, feeling the tension. ‘I’ll have that… unless you’re.’
‘No that’s fine, here.’ Carine handed over the flute, as the object of her attention knocked back a large glass of whiskey at the bar. ‘Sorry,’ she said, bringing her attention back to the present, and Anna. ‘You’re a good friend of Eva’s?’ she asked, already knowing the answer.
Anna smiled. ‘Yes, we’ve known each other since we were kids,’ she said, aware that Carine wasn’t really interested in making conversation.
‘Do we need to catch up some time regarding your work?’ Carine asked, a genuine smile forming as her mind settled on something she was good at: something she could control - the business.
‘Sure. I’ll drop you an email and we can arrange a time.’ Anna sipped at the drink before excusing herself and seeking out the dark eyes across the room.
Carine surveyed the room, halting at Eva’s intent look over the top of the short glass. She watched as Eva emptied the glass, placed it on the bar and indicated for another. Carine walked slowly, deliberately, and perched on the tall bar seat next to Eva. She nodded to the bar tender for a whiskey. ‘You okay?’ she asked, but she wasn’t referring to the events of the day, and Eva knew that too.
‘Fine.’ The clipped response gave away what the word concealed.
‘Want to talk?’ Carine asked. She didn’t, just in case she heard something she didn’t want to accept. Even though, as lovers they had been a once only affair to date - a simple matter of timing, of intense need and escapism - she still hoped for more. They were good together, really good. She could feel the heat rising into her chest at the thought of the intensity they had shared that night. They made a great power couple too. She just needed to give Eva time, and be there for her.
‘Later,’ Eva responded belatedly to the question. Picking up her drink she started to make her way around the guests to thank them all for coming. Carine felt the tightness in her chest and called for another drink. Give her time, she repeated the mantra in her head.
20.
‘So how was London? We’ve missed you.’ Dee asked, nodding with approval as she assessed Rosa for the answer. ‘You look well,’ she confirmed.
‘It was good, mother was brilliant.’
Dee stared at Rosa. Judging by the sparkle in her eyes, she was expecting more information from her friend. ‘And?’ she asked.
Rosa wrinkled her brow momentarily, until it dawned on her that Dee had made an assumption about why she looked so happy. As she studied her friend, it also dawned on her that the decision she had taken whilst at her mother’s wouldn’t go down too well. She went to speak, then hesitated.
‘Who is it?’ Dee said, beginning to tease her, wagging a finger as if to say, she’d got the measure of what was going on.
‘There isn’t anyone,’ Rosa responded, but the rush of blood to her face gave her away instantly.
Dee’s eyebrows bunched and then her eyes widened. She knew differently, but she also figured now wasn’t the time to press the point. She’d ask again after work, when they went for a drink.
‘Anyway, how was your Christmas?’ Rosa asked, as she put on her gown for surgery.
‘Great,’ Dee responded. An image of Eva lying on the toilet floor, blood on her fingers from the cut to her head, caused the doubt in her voice. She had had too much to drink and seeing Eva sitting with the tall blonde woman all evening had riled her. She hadn’t intended to thump her though, and that thought sent a rush of guilt to the surface of her skin.
‘So, what did you get up to then?’ Rosa said, with a smirk, as she sensed Dee hiding something of interest.
‘Clubbing. The usual,’ she said, trying to sound unperturbed, but coming across even more deceptive. It was unlike Dee to withhold information, and in fact, she wasn’t very good at it either. Dee turned her back, but Rosa picked up the tension in her shoulders and neck.
‘You and Angie still good?’ she asked, suddenly concer
ned that they had split up.
Dee looked over her shoulder. Her smile wasn’t reflected in her eyes, though. ‘We’re fine,’ she said, leaving Rosa even more confused. Dee’s energy had shifted within seconds and now there was a void between them. ‘Um… I don’t know how to say this, and I’m really sorry, but Eva’s got a new girlfriend,’ she said, leaving the bomb to shed its shrapnel inside Rosa’s world.
Rosa gasped, and her stomach dropped. She wished a void would take her in and not let her out again. Whilst her insides collapsed, she maintained full control of her appearances, and noted the clock on the wall. ‘I’ve got to get going she said,’ not looking back.
‘Sure.’ Dee watched Rosa leave the changing room, breathed deeply, and released the air slowly. She needed to know, she told herself.
*
Eva slumped into the chair in her living room. She had loosened the tie around her neck, unbuttoned the top of the shirt and opened the jacket, feeling a sense of release with every step. She swilled the light brown liquid around the glass, sipped from it, and savoured the warmth on the back of her throat. She felt strangely at peace with the silence in the room. Even her ears had stopped ringing. She lay back into the couch and allowed her eyes to close. She didn’t know what the future held, but she vowed to do her best to get what she now knew she wanted more than anything. Rosa.
The light tap on her door roused her. She yawned as she stood, squinted through tired slits and plodded to the door. ‘Come in,’ she said, but Carine had already stepped over the threshold and before Eva closed the door she had kicked off her heels and grabbed herself a glass from the kitchen. She walked through to the living room pouring the whiskey into her tumbler, topping up Eva’s glass before she slumped onto the couch.
‘Fancy a movie?’ Eva asked. She had no intention of anything developing between them, ever again, but she couldn’t be rude and just throw the woman back onto the street, and especially after she had just helped her to get through the funeral. Carine still hadn’t answered her question, but she had downed her drink and was pouring another. ‘You okay?’ Eva asked, suddenly aware that Carine’s hand was shaking.
