“Did the potion work for her?”
Giselle turned to me, almost looking resentful that I was sitting there. “It did, but not the way it was supposed to. She was able to leech a lot of magic from the hill—it was in her. If I laid a hand on her flesh, I could feel it, that power all building there and boiling in her veins, but she couldn’t use it. It was useless. It was like a potion in a vial that couldn’t be opened. She was a vessel for it, but that vessel was sealed. It was like pouring gasoline into a container with no way for it to ignite. It didn’t want to be in her.”
Oh no. And now I knew. I could see the way she was looking at me now, as if she blamed me for robbing it from her daughter. This was why she’d never sought me out. She didn’t want to know me.
She fell silent again, but my patience had run thin.
“What happened after that?” I asked, done with the kid gloves. This woman didn’t owe me anything, but that didn’t stop the burn of knowing that the only relative I had here didn’t care about me at all. Had preferred to never know me.
“She was getting crazier by the day, and more and more paranoid that someone would know what she’d done at the hill. The way she was acting, it was probably true. She couldn’t jump planes, so I jumped her over to Rest, settled her in a place. Your mother got one thing from me: she liked men a lot. Didn’t discriminate at all about who she’d take in her bed. It wasn’t a surprise that she got pregnant right away.
She turned, resting her back on her cabinet as she stared straight at me. “She said she was going to have the baby, who probably wouldn’t have any magic at all, and that was just fine by her. She was done with witchery. She was going to live out the rest of her life as a normal person in Rest. When your real father didn’t want to be bothered with you, she conned another man into believing you were his. They were going to go buy a little house and live happily ever after.
“Then you were born with all the magic she hadn’t been able to wield. The magic chose you. Maybe it had always known you were coming. I don’t know, but it was the last straw, unhinging her in some way. She blamed me. Said I’d done it somehow. Then she blamed you. Said that you’d stolen it from her and that you were evil. Next time I went to Rest to see her, she was gone. She’d moved you both somewhere.” She waved her spoon in my direction. “I thought I’d never see either of you again. Then word spread of a witch from Rest who was more powerful than anyone else in Xest, and I knew it had to be you.”
There was absolutely zero joy in that statement. She wished I’d died somewhere.
I stood. Hawk was up right beside me.
“Thank you for your time,” I said. Having nothing left to say, I turned and headed for the door, with Hawk right behind me.
“I’ll tell you one thing before you go. You’ll never have peace with that magic in you. None. They won’t let you be, and you’ll destroy everyone around you as you go down,” she called out.
I kept walking as her words thudded like a hammer in my head.
37
We didn’t talk on the way back, but Hawk’s eyes were on me the entire time. His energy was focused so intently that it was difficult to think beyond it. But I did anyway. I had to.
“She’s a sick, unhappy woman. Don’t let her get to you,” he said as we walked into the back room of the broker building.
Zab and Bibbi were on the couch. Mertie was at the table. None of them asked how things had gone, probably because, from the looks of us, they didn’t need to.
“She might be those things, but she also might be right.” Giselle had voiced every fear I had. Hawk hadn’t wanted to hear it, but he never did. It didn’t change the truth.
Hawk looked at our company. “We need the room.”
The place emptied in a few seconds. It immediately grew quiet, the din from the office disappearing as he soundproofed us.
Hawk’s face was hard, mouth in a straight line. My heartbeat kicked up, matching the pulsing vein in his neck.
All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and never let go. It was the exact reason I should leave. I didn’t know what I was now, but I wasn’t the same person I’d been. My staying could hurt him, might hurt everyone. Giselle was right. I couldn’t take all of the magic from the hill and not face consequences. I was a ticking time bomb about to obliterate everything around me.
“That’s it, isn’t it? You think you’re going to just pack up and leave?” He stared at me as if I were about to slice his heart out of his chest with a butter knife.
“It’s not an easy decision.” It was the hardest thing I’d contemplated in my life. The idea of him being hurt because of me was unimaginable.
“And where do you plan on going?” he asked, as if there wasn’t another single place in Xest I could live that wasn’t with him.
“Bautere might have a place he could lend me.” Out in the middle of nowhere might be the only safe place for me. There, I’d be isolated. Heaven and hell could do their worst, and hopefully it would only befall me.
“You nearly froze to death in Bautere’s place.” He shook his head, giving me his back as he took a few steps away.
“I’m not the same person as I was then.”
He stopped moving, standing stiller than humanly possible as he warred with our predicament.
I swallowed, forcing the tears not to fall. He’d get past this. I might not, but he would, and he’d be happy. Most importantly, he’d hopefully be alive. I’d find a way to settle the debt that he’d surely incurred killing Lou, and he’d live. That was all I could ask.
“I’m doing what I have to, the way you always do.”
I went to leave, and he followed me, getting in my way.
I tried to move around him again, and again he blocked me. “This isn’t a game to me.”
He shook his head slightly, as if not believing what I was doing or saying. “And you think it is for me? Do you think any part of me takes the sight of you walking out that door as a joke? I’ve waited a very long time for you, and then wasted more time because I thought I was protecting you. This doesn’t end with you walking out that door to protect me. I can protect myself.”
He reached out to touch my neck.
I instantly backed up, afraid he’d feel the changes in me and be revolted.
“I don’t want you to––”
I was slammed up against his chest, his hand at my throat, my pulse throbbing against his palm.
“You feel exactly the way you always felt to me, like that girl I touched in the shop at Rest that day, the one I took from the factory, the one who lay in my arms and couldn’t be touched enough. You feel like perfection. You feel like home.”
“You’re making it harder for me to do what I know I have to do. You know I’m right.”
“Then do what you think you have to.” The ice in his voice cut deep.
He dropped the arm holding me to him, and it felt like he’d dropped the only thing holding my heart together. I had no delusions about how hard this would be, and yet I’d still underestimated it somehow.
With no excuse left, I backed away, feeling like every step ground the shattered pieces of my heart into oblivion.
He was respecting my wishes and letting me leave, and I wasn’t too proud to admit how dearly I hated it. I’d have to come back to say my goodbyes to everyone else. I couldn’t do it now. I couldn’t handle another minute here, or I’d never leave.
I went to the back door as Hawk watched, no longer trying to stop me.
I opened it, for maybe the last time, and then hit an invisible wall. I backed up, looked at the space, and then tried again, hitting it with my shoulder. I turned to where he stood, waiting.
“I thought you said you were letting me go?” I asked.
“I said I was letting you do what you had to do. I am also doing what I have to do.” He stepped closer. “Do you want to leave?”
“I have to go.” We both knew I didn’t.
“That’s not what I asked. Do you
want to leave?”
“Of course not, but it doesn’t matter.” I threw my hands up. He was making something that felt impossible even worse.
“Then I’m not letting you go,” Hawk said.
“If you don’t care about yourself, what about them?” I said, pointing toward the office.
“I’ll tell them to leave. If they stay, they’ll be duly warned, and it’s on them.”
“You need to let me go. You’ll find someone else.” I could barely get that sentence out.
“I don’t want anyone else.” His voice was soft but carried more weight than anything he’d said thus far. I was running out of the strength to fight him.
I shook my head and turned back to the door, fairly certain I could break through the obstacle he’d put up if I could bring myself to try. I just needed the will to do it. He wrapped his hand around mine, pulling me back to him and putting his hands on my waist to keep me there.
“I want you. If it takes a year before you understand, or a decade, then that’s how long I’ll fight. Because in the end, it’s me and you. You’re worth everything I have.”
I couldn’t fight him anymore. I didn’t want to. He must’ve sensed me weakening, because he pulled me closer and kissed me like he’d never stop.
38
I got up from Hawk’s bed, wishing he’d stay asleep. He did. I walked to his door, hoping it would open to the broker building, and it did.
I walked downstairs, and nothing creaked or groaned because I didn’t want it to.
This time I couldn’t ask for help. I couldn’t bring Bibbi. Not even she would back me up with what I was going to do. I wouldn’t speak to Helen. I couldn’t talk to anyone. This one was all on me. This was my last chance to make things right, to save what I had, or I would have to leave. If I did leave, I’d do it in secrecy. I didn’t have the strength to fight Hawk for something I didn’t really want.
I walked and kept walking until I hit the edge of town, where the trees grew thick and the magic felt thicker. I pulled out a knife, dragging my coat open and tugging down my shirt. I dragged the blade over my chest, the same way I had the day I drew Dread into a trap.
This time I didn’t need a spell. My magic was beyond having to speak the words. The only thing I said was to them, and they were listening. Their magic was swelling around me.
“If you want it back, take it. I don’t want it. Just leave the people I love alone. Whatever the cost for this, it’s on me.”
My blood welled red before becoming iridescent and rising from my chest. I stood, letting it flow from me, offering it to them. This wasn’t a bluff or a false offering. I’d die on this spot if it would save them, save Xest, save Hawk.
My magic bled out and circled me, creating a wreath, pulsating as if it were a creature of its own. It felt as if the forest and the trees—as if everything around me—were alive and watching.
A bird flapped its wings, coming to sit on an overhanging branch, watching me. A mouse scurried over, sitting at the base of the same tree.
“Take it. I offer it freely in exchange for the safety of the people I care about.”
Fear filled me as I stood there, wondering if this was the moment I would die. Determination kept me rooted to the spot. If this bought them, him, a future, then it was worth my life.
My magic stopped flowing but stayed connected to the wreath of glowing energy around me, seeming to pulse with the very force of Xest itself. I lost track of how long I stood there, waiting for something to happen.
The bird flapped its wings, leaving. When I looked down, the mouse was already gone.
“What does this mean? Are you rejecting my offer?” I yelled to everything and nothing.
No one answered, not that I’d expected them to. They’d left. I was alive. Nothing had changed.
I glanced down. The cut on my chest had closed itself even as my magic pulsed in the air. I walked away and watched as it seemed to hover for a moment, before dispersing, almost cloudlike, to the north.
I crawled back into bed with Hawk a little while later, wondering how many more nights with him I’d get. How many I could risk before I’d have to sneak off in the dead of night and not return.
We must talk.
I sprang up in bed, knowing that I’d just heard Helen talking to me somehow, even though I was sleeping.
“What is it?” Hawk asked.
“I’m not sure. I think Helen is calling me.” If this wasn’t in my head, and I wasn’t crazy, if Helen really wanted to talk, I wouldn’t make her wait.
I threw on my sweater and padded barefoot downstairs, Hawk right behind me.
Helen’s wheels and gears were grinding as soon as I was in front of her.
They have a message for you, she said, or didn’t, really. The only sound was her usual gears.
The raven and the mouse, heaven and hell, God and the devil. This was it.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Do you understand her noises?” Hawk asked, staring at the machine and then me.
“Yes, but I don’t know how.” Or didn’t I? It was the magic. We shared the same magic now. I was a part of Xest the way she was. Even now I could feel Xest’s ebb and flow.
Helen’s machinery kicked up again and then continued.
“What is she saying?” Hawk asked.
The frustration was written clearly on the lines of his face as he listened to what must sound like gibberish.
I stepped back until my desk was behind me, giving me something to lean on. When you heard something like this, it was a necessity. I gripped the edge as it sank in. Could it be true?
“Tippi, tell me what’s going on.”
I nodded as I finally let the tears fall.
“They didn’t know what to do with me. They weren’t sure what would happen if they killed—”
Hawk stepped closer. “Helen, you tell them that I will literally find a way to destroy both—”
“Hawk, they aren’t going to kill me.” The last thing I needed right now was him picking a fight with heaven and hell.
He turned and took in a deep breath, the cords on his neck strained, and I could feel the amount of control it was taking him to stand down. Hawk was a warrior at heart, and it took every ounce of control to fight the urge to do exactly what he was designed for. Go to war.
“What are they suggesting?”
“They offered a deal. It’s over.”
The machinery kicked up again as Helen continued talking, laying out all the details. I held up a hand, asking Hawk for a minute as Helen finished.
“They’re going to leave me alone, but with a few stipulations. I can’t ever leave Xest, not even for a few minutes. From the way it was just explained, if I did, the magic here might go haywire. If I ever try, it’ll be all-out war.”
I’d never fit in anywhere else, so that was no loss. I’d miss the opportunity to ever see Rabbit again, but in truth, I had very little back there.
“What else?” he asked, like he expected the other shoe to drop.
“My magic is going to be the ebb and flow of Xest. I’m the new well of magic. Because I’m an Infinite, they think the issue of imbalances will stop. I’m the cure for the problems that were plaguing this place from the beginning.”
“Will that hurt you?” he asked.
“No.” I knew it, and so did they because of what I’d done last night. My attempt to hand over my magic had eased an area of imbalance. Hawk didn’t need to know about that moment, not now, anyway. Maybe someday I’d tell him I tried to bleed out to save him, but we’d been on shaky footing for so long that he wouldn’t be able to handle it. For now it would remain between them, Helen, and me.
“It’s over. They said that their people will not be a problem, and no one else will be coming. Things will go back to normal. It’s done.” I slumped, all the tension of the last few months unloading suddenly until I couldn’t keep it together anymore.
“Why are you crying?” Hawk asked, his ha
nd on my cheek.
“Because it’s over. No one will ever try to get rid of me. I’m home.” I’d never have to leave. I’d never be called the nowhere witch, who didn’t belong. I was part of this place.
I’d never have to leave Hawk. It was truly over.
“You’ve been home,” he said as he crushed me to him.
39
Hawk leaned on the corner of my desk, watching me as I finished up some notes. When I took too long, he grabbed the book, shut it, and put it to the side. He tugged me up onto my feet and in between his legs, fitting me into his form.
“I really should finish that. I might forget it in the morning.” I gave him my best chastising face, not that it ever worked on him.
“I don’t think your boss cares,” he said, smiling. “Or this boss, anyway.”
“You keep forgetting that I work with you, not for you. I also have other employment, so you better be nice to me.” Not that keeping Xest balanced had turned out to be much work.
He dipped his head to my neck, running his lips along the tendon. “I’m glad you’re not technically my employee. I wouldn’t want to be accused of sexual harassment.”
“Is that even a thing in Xest?” I asked, arching to give him better access.
“I’m sure you’ll make it one. I’ve heard about the union over at the wish factory.”
There was laughter in his voice. Hawk and Marvin had never had any love between them. The worse I made it for Marvin, the more amused Hawk was.
“Someone had to help them.” They hadn’t even been getting paid before I stepped in. Now he had people actually applying to work there. Marvin might not realize it, but I’d done him a favor.
“What do you want to do for dinner?” Hawk asked, the way he did every night.
I stood, trying not to laugh at where this was going. “You know what I want to do for dinner.”
He closed his eyes and then nodded. “If that’s what you want, but it’s going to cost you.”
Witch of All Witches: Tales of Xest #4 Page 22
