by Unknown
We ended up spending the night at the hospital. At some point Savanna came in and got my keys. She needed to take Ty and my very pregnant cousin Miranda back to the ranch. Savanna tried to get me to come home to rest, but I refused to leave my mother. We were devastated. This is where I had to be.
The next two days were the same. My mother stayed by my father’s side. The nurses even found a place within the hospital where she could shower and remain close in case something were to happen. Savanna came in the mornings and stayed with me until visiting hours were over. My mother slept in the chair in my father’s room, while I stayed in the small waiting room where we got the news.
I should have gone home, but just imagining her being here alone was unbearable.
Savanna and I barely spoke. I knew that if I talked about my father and all of the things I worried I wouldn’t get to tell him, that it would just make me get upset. She never pushed me to talk about him. The more time went by, the less I said to her. She sat around playing on her phone or listening to her IPOD, while I sat with my mother and my father. It was hard for me to open up, but it must have looked to Savanna like I was pushing her away. It wasn’t on purpose. I had never experienced this type of situation and I had no idea how to deal with it, or how to let her into my house of emotions.
My father died on the morning of the third day. I had still been asleep in the chair in the other room while my mother was sleeping in my father’s room. The loud beeping woke me with the Code Blue warning and a feelin’ in my gut told me that I needed to get to that room. I jumped up and ran in. I don’t remember looking at my mother, but as I watched the medical team doing everything they could, I noticed her hand was in mine.
Everyone has heard the sound of a flatline on movies and television shows, but to hear it live, while all you have left is hope, well it is the worst sound you will ever hear in your life. That sound filled the room, and while my mother cried out, and the doctors and nurses did everything they could, it was all I could hear. My eyes burned, but I refused to blink. They were fixed on my father’s lifeless body, just hoping that the sound would stop being a constant and turn back to the reoccurring beep. It didn’t happen. While my mother and I stood there in the corner of that dark room, we heard the doctor calling the time of death. I cradled my distraught mother into my arms while the room started to clear out, leaving us alone in there to say our final goodbyes.
I would assume it was the next couple of hours, but I couldn’t be sure as time seemed so unimportant. My mother and I managed to move to my father’s bedside. She cried over his body. It hurt to watch her touch him, rub his arms and kiss his lips. I watched her kiss them and hold her mouth on them knowing it would be the last time she felt his warmth. I should have been the one callin’ my family and lettin’ them know the news of my father’s passing, but I just stood there like it was a nightmare I would eventually wake up from.
Soon after, my aunt and Savanna arrived together. My aunt Karen immediately was at my mother’s side with comfort and support. Savanna wrapped her arms around me and told me she was sorry, but I couldn’t say anything back to her.
Sorry? Why did people even say that? Did she kill him? None of this had anything to do with her, or anyone else for that matter. My father was gone. My mother was alone. Everything was now in my hands. I couldn’t worry about helpin’ my uncle with his crops or fightin’ with my cousin over a girl, or even if that girl was really going to be my future. The only thing that was pressing to me was my mother. I had to make sure that she was taken care of. I had to keep the ranch running and not worry about anything else. I couldn’t afford to anymore. My father tried to make me see what was important and I had fought him tooth and nail. He had never approved of my life. I had to do this for him.
Chapter 35
Savanna
When Colt’s father passed away none of us knew what to expect. I tried to be there for him, but there were no words that could ease the pain. His father was gone and that left more than Colt could imagine on his plate. When I decided to come here to be with him, I hadn’t expected this turn of events and I clearly wasn’t prepared for the way Colt would handle things.
I didn’t blame him for being distant, or even shutting down. I knew what it was like to think that the person you loved the most was going to die, but I never had to deal with the death. Ty was going to recover and probably live a long healthy life. In thinking back, I don’t remember Colt ever talking about losing anyone that he loved to death. That could only mean that this was all new.
When Colt and his mother finally came home to the ranch, everyone had done all that they could to be there for them. Many women from their church had brought over casseroles and the refrigerator was filled to capacity. I still hadn’t officially met his mother. It wasn’t my place to throw myself at her at the worst point in her life. Instead, I stayed in the background along side of Ty and did whatever I could to help out.
The first night home, Colt headed to the cabin late. I was just heading upstairs to bed, when he came walking in the door. I got a half smile as he continued walking up the steps into his room. By the time I got there, he had already went into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. I sat on the bed and contemplated waiting for him to come back out, but I heard the shower turning on. I missed Colt, but being around him made me nervous. I was so afraid of saying something that would upset him. He wasn’t exactly the kind of guy that wanted to hear people say they were sorry for his loss. Obviously, since he hadn’t said much to me since I told him that.
Reluctantly, I headed into the bathroom. Through the glass shower door, I could see Colt’s arms pressed against the tile as he let the water beat down over his head. He looked so tired and worn down. From days of not shaving his face was covered in large patches of stubble. He had whiskers before, but this was becoming a full beard. He hadn’t noticed me coming into the bathroom, or the fact that I was standing outside of the shower taking off my clothes. I opened the door and stepped in without him even stepping to the side to give me room.
I didn’t say anything to him. Instead, I wrapped my arms around him from the back. Finally he stood up and turned himself around to face me. His eyes were bloodshot and for the first time in all of the years I had known him, he looked terrible. I felt his arms touching my waist, but he wasn’t holding on tight or even pulling me closer like he normally would do. Those big green eyes stared back at me with no expression crossing his face.
I kept looking into his eyes. “I love you.” I whispered, hoping those words were better than saying I was sorry.
Colt closed his eyes and let his head fall against mine. His body started making sudden movements even before I heard the sounds coming from deep within him. He was crying. My hero, the toughest man I knew, couldn’t hold in the painful feelings any longer. He was letting go of it all, while my arms held onto him for dear life.
There was nothing I could say to sooth him. He needed to get it out. He didn’t need to feel ashamed or embarrassed around me. I wanted to be here for this and for anything else that would come our way. Being here for him and seeing what he was going through, made my decision to be with him even easier. This was the life I wanted. This man, who was falling apart as a result of loving someone so much, was who I wanted to be with.
I held Colt and comforted him even as the hot water began to turn cold. I guided him out of the shower and leaned against him as he sat down on the bed. I stroked his hair and waited until the tears stopped coming. He was looking to the floor between his legs, so I positioned myself on my knees between them. “Colt, are you okay baby?”
He brought his hand up and touched my cheek. “I never got to tell him. He didn’t know. It’s too late.”
I pulled myself up into his arms and squeezed him tight. I wasn’t exactly sure what he needed to tell his dad, but he was pretty hurt about it. “I am sure he loved you.”
“Savanna please don’t tell me how my own father felt about me. You didn
’t even know him. You have no idea what our relationship was like.” He said rudely.
I felt like I wanted to puke. I was being so supportive. How could he turn around and have such an unkind reaction to me? Had I said something that was so horrible to him?
“Excuse me for trying to support you!” I said as I pulled away from him even more.
“I can’t do this right now.” He said as he stood up from the bed, almost knocking me back on my butt. He grabbed some clothes and put them on as he was walking out of the bedroom door.
I felt hurt, but understood he was just upset. I couldn’t blame him for putting a wall up. He was only human. While I waited for him to come back up to the bedroom, I grabbed one of his t-shirts and put it on over my head. After another five minutes of waiting, I heard the front door slamming shut.
My feet hit the floor and started running down the stairs before I even realized what I was going to say to him. When I got down the steps all I saw was Ty. He was heading toward the front door.
“Where are you going? Where is Colt?”
“He went flying out of here. What happened Van?”
I held my hand over my mouth. “I don’t understand. I must have made him angry. I was just trying to be supportive.” I confessed.
“What did you say?”
“All I said was that his father loved him. I wanted him to be okay.”
Ty shook his head. “They didn’t exactly see eye to eye.” He came over and touched my shoulder. “Listen, this is going to take him time to deal with it. It was all so sudden. I guess he figured he would have plenty of opportunities to settle things with his father. The accident just screwed things all up and now he won’t ever have the chance again. Just give him time babe.”
The sound of a car motor caught our attention. I went straight for the window, looking out to see what my heart already told me. Colt’s mustang was pulling out of the garage and headed away from the cabin.
I shook my head in disbelief and started to cry. Within seconds, Ty was at my side pulling me into his strong arms. “Just give him time.” He whispered in my hair.
I didn’t hug Ty back, it wasn’t meant to be a romantic gesture at all. He was being the friend that I needed him to be. I appreciated it so much, considering we were so far from home and he was all I had.
Ty stayed up with me for hours while I sat on the couch waiting for Colt to return. I was so worried he went to a bar or was driving around upset. I wanted to think that he was somewhere on the ranch, but I didn’t even know where to start looking.
Without much to go on, and Colt not answering his phone, I decided to go upstairs to sleep. Ty had been sleeping in the guest room that had an actual bed in it and Miranda had the other room, so my only choice was to sleep in Colt’s room or the couch. Either way I would hear him coming inside and be able to talk to him when he did.
I climbed into Colt’s bed, the same one I had been sleeping in for the last few days. It smelled of him and I couldn’t help but climb into the middle and surround myself with his pillows and blankets. I was so worried about him, but part of me was upset with him too. He really hurt me by walking away. I wasn’t here to hurt him, in fact I just wanted to help him get through this terrible tragedy.
It took me a few more hours to finally fall asleep. For a long while I stared at the ceiling and listened to all of the outside critters making weird sounds from the woods behind the cabin. After several more crying fits I eventually succumbed to sleep.
The bright sunlight coming in the window woke me up early. I got up and went to the bathroom, but while I was brushing my teeth, I heard the front door opening and closing. My heart started beating faster as I made my way to the bedroom door, but once I got the door open, I could hear Ty and Colt talking. I didn’t intend to eavesdrop, until I heard Ty defending me. While I listened, I sat myself on the first step and leaned against the railing. They were actually in the kitchen and the sound of their voices amplified from the tile floor.
“I don’t give a shit Colt. You can’t treat her like that.” Ty argued.
“Don’t come into my house and tell me what to do.” Colt defended.
“I have every right to do that when you are acting like this. Look, I am sorry about your dad. He was my uncle and I will miss him.”
“Don’t talk about my father Ty.”
“Are you willing to lose her Colt? Because as far as I am concerned, it is only a matter of time.”
“She aint goin’ to leave me.”
“You stubborn son of a bitch! I hurt her, but you are killing her. Do you really think it is easy for me to stand here rooting for the two you? Do you have any idea how much easier it would be to take her home and do whatever I could to get her back myself?”
“I need time. I can’t deal with her right now. I can’t deal with anyone.” Colt admitted.
“She dropped everything to come here to be with you. Grow a set of balls and take care of your girlfriend before she changes her mind.”
“If she can’t give me my space then maybe she should just go home. I told you that I can’t deal with it right now.”
I stood up on the steps and started walking downstairs toward the kitchen. I didn’t know what I was going to say, but I couldn’t just listen to them. Every word out of his mouth was hurtful to me.
“I talked to my parents last night. They are on their way here. After the funeral, I am leaving with them. If you don’t want Savanna than you need to let her go. She deserves someone that would do anything for her. I think she thought you were that guy.”
“For Christ sakes Ty. I can’t deal with this shit anymore. My father just died. I need to be there for my mother. If y’all can’t understand that then get the hell out of my house!”
Colt’s last words cut through me just as I walked into the entryway of the kitchen. Ty was leaning against the counter, while Colt was sitting at the table with his hands in his hair. He heard my footsteps and looked up at me. I couldn’t hide the pain in my eyes, but the person that looked back at me was broken. His eyes were sunken in from not sleeping. The hair on his face was thick and disheveled. His hair was a giant mess. Colt looked so awful.
“Savanna?” He asked when he saw me standing there.
I went to say something, but nothing would come out. Instead I turned and headed out the front door. When I got to the porch, I just kept running. I was bare footed and in a t-shirt that came down to my knees, but it was a warm summer morning and I wasn’t worried about someone seeing me. After running for at least ten minutes, I ended up halfway between the cabin and the ranch. A field of soy beans was to my right. I stepped off the dirt road and sat down on the ground between the beans and the road.
I felt like coming here was a mistake. Colt was different and this side of him scared me. Losing his father was making him be someone that I didn’t know. I was so sure that Colt was my future, but as of this moment, he wanted nothing to do with me. It hurt me so much. I didn’t regret choosing him. I loved the man he was, even in this horrible time in his life. However, if he couldn’t let me in then why should I bother trying? I needed to know without a doubt that he was going to be there for me. He also needed to know that I would never give up on him, well unless that is what he really wanted me to do.
I heard someone calling my name in the distance and got myself walking back to the cabin. It was disappointing when I discovered that it had been Ty worried about me and not Colt. When I reached the porch, I looked around to see if he was even outside, but never spotted him.
“Hey! Are you okay?” He pulled me into his arms. “I am sorry he is being such an ass. If you want to go home after the funeral, we can ride together.” He offered.
I pulled away from him and went over to sit on the porch swing. Once Ty joined me, he waited for a reply.
“What if I didn’t stay for the funeral?” I asked.
“Van, I know you are hurt, but he doesn’t want you to leave.” Ty reassured me.
I sh
ook my head. “I know what happened was a terrible tragedy, but I can’t help him if he can’t stand being around me. He is pushing me away Ty and I don’t know what else to do to help him.”
“I am so pissed at him for being like this.” Ty announced.
I grabbed his arm and stopped swinging. “I don’t blame him. This is exactly how I acted when I thought I lost you. By keeping everyone out, he doesn’t have to feel. He is preventing himself from getting through this. I just don’t want my being here to be an added stress for him. If it would make things easier, I can just go home. “
“You really love him don’t you?” He asked.
I started tearing up just thinking about leaving Colt. I couldn’t say the words, so I just moved my head up and down, while the tears started falling again.
“Do you want to be alone Van?”
I shook my head and leaned it on Ty’s shoulder. He used his legs to swing us slowly, but never said another word. Instead, he just sat there being my support, my rock through all of this.
Chapter 36
Colt
I spent the night in the damn guest room at my mother’s after Savanna tried to get me to open up. I knew damn well what I was doin’ to her and for the life of me, I couldn’t stop myself. I wanted to be alone; to just deal with things on my own.
Ty’s little intervention ended up in Savanna boltin’ out of the house. I looked out the window and watched as she disappeared down the road. Everything that came out of my mouth was wrong. I had been so overwhelmed with guilt and regret regarding my father, that I hadn’t seen what I was doin’ to my own relationship. I was pushin’ away the person that I wanted a future with. I was doing it because I didn’t want to ever feel the pain of losing the person that I loved after so many years of bein’ together. I didn’t want to feel the way that my mother was feelin’. There was a part of me that wondered if being alone permanently was a good solution to my issues.
