Ali: Sam! You spilled the beans! Not me! And you’ve just spilled them again! I cannot be trusted? [Eyes all big and woeful] How can you SAY that? I’m devastated!
Samantha: [Looking suddenly worried] Devastated? You are? [Hugging Ali so hard she goes a little blue in the face] No! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. You are entirely trustworthy and lovely.
Ali: [In a small voice] Thank you. [Cough] How do you decide what to write about?
Samantha: Ha! A trick! This is another interview, isn’t it?
Ali: [Fully recovered] But of course.
Sam: [Sighing heavily] Okay. Well, for me it’s always about the characters. They’ll start off resembling a certain person – maybe just someone I saw in the street or on the bus – and then they get a life of their own and REFUSE to conform to plot, and WILL NOT do as I tell them, and INSIST on texting their mates for pages on end thinking they’re really funny instead of just doing something interesting . . .
Ali: Okaaaay. Have you been taking medication for that problem?
Samantha: Is that, like, an interview question, or a personal question?
Ali: Yes. No. Shh, you! Um, okay . . . Why do you write for young people?
Samantha: I abide by that rule: write what you know. I look like I’m ageing fast, but actually I never moved much past sixteen/ seventeen.
Ali: [Hiding a smile] Really? Nooo. I would never have known. Anyway, where was I . . . Oh yes. Can you write anywhere or do you have a special place where you work?
Samantha: I can write anywhere – it can even be quite noisy.
Ali: What do you do if you get writer’s block?
Samantha: Writer’s block? No! The concept is too terrifying to admit to, but if the people in my head won’t do what they’re told I go for a challenging run with tunes in my ears. Or I invent a totally new character just to mix things up a little.
Ali: Describe yourself as a teenager in five words.
Samantha:
1. UNKISSED.
2. Totallyuncoolbutsomehowitwasokay.
3. Regularlydepressed.
4. Toosensitive.
5. GSOH.
Is that last one cheating?
Ali: They all are! [Shakes head in despair] If you could give your teenage self one piece of advice, what would it be?
Samantha: Don’t stop writing just because it feels like too big a dream.
Ali: Do you think today’s teens are different from how young people were when you were a teenager?
Samantha: Yikes! It wasn’t that long ago! But I guess a lot has changed. I think today’s teens have heaps more to cope with, and heaps more expected from them. (Chocolate helps.)
Ali: Have you ever kept a diary? Do you still keep one?
Samantha: I’ve kept a diary now and then. I’m not really a journal keeper, more of a corresponder.
Ali: Which fictional character do you most relate to and why?
Samantha: Probably Tallulah Bird, surprise, surprise . . .
. . . because she does stuff I always wish I’d been brave enough to try
. . . because she’s a lot like me (except for her fine physique, ohhh for a bit of her fine physique, oh and her hair, I love her hair)
. . . because she can fix cars. Is that totally random? Yes. Sorry.
. . . and because she’s just got sisters, no brothers, and goes to an all-girls’ school so has ZERO boy contact. Which was pretty much my life growing up.
Ali: What do you like the most/ least about being an author?
Samantha: The thing I like most is the writing. The thing I like least is the cold, dark, insidious dread that no one will want to read that writing. The other thing I like most is hearing from readers. They’re always cool and funny, and make me laugh.
Ali: You are totally sucking up to the readers!
Samantha: Am not! I thought this was all about trusting and truthfulness and blah blah! Readers are an unexpected bonus of writing something. It’s true. I never actually believe that anyone will ever read anything I’ve written. I’m constantly surprised that people know who Boodle is.
Ali: Okay. I get that. Have you ever been inspired by your readers?
Samantha: They’re mainly in my head because my books are quite new and I haven’t met very many yet. So mostly these imaginary people are just very encouraging. Like at 5 a.m., I’ll be going ‘Sleeeep,’ they’ll be going, ‘Get up! Move your saggy ass! Tallulah is hanging by her fingertips from a fraying tree root on the edge of a cliff and only you can save her!’
Ali: Moving swiftly on . . . How long does it take you to write a book?
Samantha: That depends on how busy my day job is, and how cRaZy it is at home, so, y’know, could be a few months, could be a few years. Sorry. I know that’s not helpful.
Ali: What is your preferred genre of writing and do you write across any other genres? And how is Boodle?
Samantha: Pardon?
Ali: I mean . . . is her back okay?
Samantha: Wait! I thought this was all about me?
Lula: Sam, it’s never about you. Ali, Boodle is fine.
Ali: Um, thanks. [Whispers] Does Sam know you’re here?
Samantha: OF COURSE I KNOW SHE’S HERE! SHE’S IN MY HEAD. Well, not now. Now she’s out in the open. [Waving hands around head like a freaky freak] Back inside, Lula! Back inside!
Lula: As if. I always have to come out here and set the record straight about stuff.
Samantha: I am perfectly capable, thank you very much, of answering interview questions.
Lula: Not true.
Samantha: TRUE! Answer to Ali’s complicated question about genres? I like writing for girls – that sixteen-year-old voice is a lot of fun, and seems to speak to everyone from twelve to twenty-hundred.
Lula: That’s how old Blue thinks Sam is. Twenty-hundred. [Falls about laughing]
Samantha: [Cheeks a little flushed] And! AND! I’ll have you know that I’d like to have a go at other things, though, as there are quite a few other people in my head that have been yelling to get out.
Lula: That’s true, actually. It’s a little mad in here.
Samantha: Excuse me! Do you mind? Ali and I are having a conversation.
Ali: Um, I could come back later? Give you guys a chance to –
Samantha and Lula: No!
Lula: No need. I’ll be good, promise.
Ali: [Hurriedly] Okay, um, describe the perfect kiss.
Samantha: Whoa! Where’d that come from? We were all, like, genres and characters and . . .
Lula: Now aren’t you glad I’m here? Nobody wants to hear about your Stephen Measey experience. Because that really was not the perfect kiss, even if it was the first.
Samantha: [Head in hands] Oh boy. Actually, I’m so glad you’re here. I am. So glad.
Lula: Remember that question you saw on the internet the other day?
Samantha: Oh, horrors, yes. That was excruciating.
Lula: So, Ali, this girl says: I’ve never kissed anyone before. I am fifteen years old, and am obviously waiting for that special someone.
I am nervous, like many inexperienced people, and I want to know what are some turn-offs when you kiss someone. A very wet kiss? Opening your eyes while kissing? Breathing through your mouth while kissing? Making weird noises with your lips while kissing?
Ali: Eek! Seriously?
Samantha: Seriously. I had to call Lula up straight away.
Lula: Though this is more Alex’s area of expertise than mine.
Ali: So did this girl get any answers?
Lula: Not really. [Shudders] I mean . . . all of those are pretty awful. And there are countless other things to make kissing a nightmare.
Ali: Like?
Lula: Really? You want me to go into things like halitosis and younger siblings and rumbly tums and –
Samantha: Enough! [Head back in hands] Please . . . Lula: Okay, so, perfect kissing requires:
l. Lovely boy
2. Frisson (that’s a Fre
nch word meaning, really, he likes you and you like him, but the dictionary won’t say that)
3. Soft lips
4. Fresh breath
5. No wet kissing/open eyes/breathing through mouth/weird noises/unwanted audiences/halitosis/interruptions from parents (and/or anyone)/fits of the giggles/rumbly tums – I think you get the picture.
Ali: Too much information.
Lula and Samantha: [In unison] You asked!
Ali: I’m going to stop asking. Just one more thing we need to know, though. What do you think is the hardest part of growing up?
Samantha: Boys. Definitely. And the fact that there’s no end to growing up. It goes on and on. But I guess that’s the best bit too.
Lula: Unless you get to twenty-hundred. That’s way too much growing up. [Falls about laughing. Again.]
Ali: And on that, I’m outta here!
Samantha: Bye, Ali. I’m going to go and explain to Lula how easy it is to murder a fictional person.
Lula: Hey! I –
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