My heart lurched and beat faster. I was secretly hoping it would go to voice mail so that I didn't have to talk to him. Leaving him a message would be so much easier.
"Matt? It's... it's Georgie." I held my breath for the next thing he would say.
"Georgie?"
It was just one word but so much emotion was put into it. There was disbelief, surprise and excitement all at once.
"Um, Matt, I can't stay long on the phone right now," I lied. It was lunch break and I had thirty more minutes to kill before I had to go back to my work. The truth was I didn't want to stay on the phone with him. "But I'd really love to talk to you about you and me. Um, are you free tomorrow afternoon?"
So much for the prepared speech in my head. My voice sounded nervous and weak, very much unlike the voice I was imagining when rehearsing what I was going to say to him.
"Yes, yes," he replied with much enthusiasm. "I'm free tomorrow afternoon. Around three, maybe? You okay with that?"
I nodded before I remembered that he couldn't see me. "Sounds good," I said instead.
"And Georgie?" There was hesitance in his voice now. "I'm really glad you came around. I'm glad we can finally talk about us."
My heart hitched at his last word. Us. There was no us, not anymore. He destroyed us.
"Bye, Matt. See you tomorrow."
I ended the call with a tap on my phone's screen. I stared at it for a few long beats, trying to convince myself that this was the right thing to do.
I was scared to death. I didn't know what to expect for tomorrow.
A distant memory came back to me. It was one of my earliest memories with Matt but it came back to me in vivid colors.
We were sprawled on the couch in his apartment one afternoon. His arm was draped around my shoulders, tracing random patterns in my arm. His nose was nuzzling my neck.
"You know I love you, right?" he'd said.
"Mmm, yeah," I mumbled, leaning towards his touch, marveling at how good it felt to be kissed on the neck.
He chuckled against my skin. It was a rich and beautiful sound. "Was that an answer to my question or a request for me to keep on kissing you?"
"Both," I giggled. "I love you, too. Always."
Despite all the tears and the anger, I could still recall that memory with such clarity. And I couldn't bring myself to hate it. Sure, Matt hurt me now but I cherished what we had. All those times we shared together was just so great and he had been so good to me. I used to think that I couldn't love anyone as I did him. But now I realized that I could.
Because I knew for certain that I was falling for Atkins.
That evening Atkins offered to drive me home. It was late and snowing hard and it might take a while before I could find a cab so I took the offer.
I massaged the back of my neck, trying to work out the knots in my muscles. I heaved a heavy sigh.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
"I'm okay. It's just that I'm so bone tired from staying up for almost four days."
A small smile tugged up the corners of his lips.
"You're not the only one. In fact I'd like nothing more than a hot shower and my soft bed tonight."
The image of Atkins dripping wet from a shower conjured in my mind. In my imagination he would be wearing nothing but a tiny piece of towel, and his smoldering gaze would be on me. The heat crept up my cheeks when, once again, I let my lush imagination take over me.
I cleared my throat and said, "Yeah, that sounds really lovely right now."
"Hey, um, are you free tomorrow?" he asked, leaving his eyes on the road for a second to gaze at me. "Maybe we can grab coffee in the afternoon?"
Crap. I was supposed to talk to Matt tomorrow. I couldn't cancel now, I didn't think I could stomach another call to him in less than twenty four hours.
"Actually, I'm not. Mariz and I are going out tomorrow afternoon." As much as I didn't want to do it, telling him that I would meet Matt tomorrow was too much to explain right now, and I wasn't sure he would understand. It was easier this way.
His forehead was scrunched up in a frown and then for a moment I thought there was anger that flashed in his face. And then he went impassive. I may have just imagined it.
"Alright," he said, something in his voice changed, somehow it became hard. "I get it."
He was silent throughout the drive until we arrived at my apartment.
He grunted a curt good night and left.
It was a gloomy Wednesday afternoon. The gray clouds hang heavy in the sky. The street had shallow puddles of melting snow and the surrounding was bleak. The weather was only apt for what I was facing this afternoon.
The shredded paper napkin littered the table I was occupying. I kept glancing outside the coffee shop, anxiously waiting for Matt. I already rehearsed what I was going to say to him. But I knew that what you thought in your head rarely go as planned in reality. Still, that didn't stop me from rehearsing my monologue one last time, if only to occupy my mind and to keep the nervousness at bay.
Matt finally arrived, he let in the cold winter air with him when he opened the door. He was dressed in his usual attire, dapper business suit and skinny tie, with a briefcase in one hand. He spotted me in one corner of the shop. He beamed and approached me.
"Hello, Georgie," his smile was bright but there was wariness in his eyes. He was gauging my reaction but at the same time wanted to make a pleasant and good impression.
"Hi, Matt," I said with much less enthusiasm.
Silence descended on us, it stretched on for a few long beats. None of us knew what to say next.
He cleared his throat, breaking the dead air between us.
"Look, I'm really sorry that we had to end it like we did," he latched on. To his credit he looked really sincere with his apology. But that didn't minimize the hurt he caused me. "I wish we could go back in time and change it."
"But the thing is, we can't," I said bitterly.
He flinched at the harshness of my words. "No, we can't," he whispered.
"What went wrong, Matt?" I finally had the chance to ask him the question I'd been dying to for months now.
Every night I lay awake, staring at the ceiling, my gaze fixed on the darkened light bulb. Every precious moment we had would play in my mind and that question would be at the center of it all.
"You shouldn't blame yourself. It was all my fault. But you should know that I really loved you. For a long time I did. But then I met Carmella. I didn't like her right away. But we were slowly slipping apart, growing apart, and she was there for me."
The sound of Carmella's name was like a knife to my heart.
"You weren't supposed to find out the way you did. I was planning to tell you that I wanted to end it. I wanted to break up with you the right way."
The thing with break ups is that there is no right way to do it. Because once you break up with someone, it meant shit hit the fan and it’s too messy to deal with the aftermath. So you choose to do the easy way and jump ship instead.
“But you didn’t do it the right way, Matt. And here we are.”
“Yes. I realize that I did the cruelest thing in the world. I let you down, and I hurt you. It would be selfish of me to ask for your forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I also don’t expect you to understand me. But I want to do the right thing and tell you everything. It was the least I could do, after all those years we were together.”
We were silent once again. I was contemplating everything he said.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“By all means,” I said.
“What made you want to talk to me now? I mean, for months I’ve been trying to contact you and explain everything. Honestly, I lost hope that we would ever get to settle this.”
“Carmella actually came to my office,” I confessed.
He seemed really surprise by this news. “She did?”
“Yeah, and she said I should go talk to you. But I didn’t heed her words. I was angry at her for bargin
g into my life like that. She was supposed to only be a shapeless shadow, you know? The woman who wrecked my relationship with my boyfriend. We’ve never talked longer than a few minutes than on that day. I didn’t listen to her, though. It was only lately that I realized I’d been carrying my past like a shackle around my ankle for months now. And I wanted to move on. I needed closure to move on, so I agreed to finally face you.
“The truth was, I was scared. I didn’t want to face you because it would open up the old wounds. You turned from the guy I really loved to this... monster I’m desperately trying to get away from.”
“Georgie...” He took my hand from across the table and held it in his. I fought the urge to pull it back. “I wish the circumstances were different.”
“But we don’t always get what we wish for,” I said.
It was the truth. Once upon a time I wished that Matt would be The One. For a long time I thought I got my wish, but in the end I didn’t.
“I would just like to clarify that I’m not asking to get back with you. We’ve grown apart and it feels like there’s this vast ocean between us.”
“I know, I understand. I’m not expecting you to. What I did to you was unforgivable, so I’m not going to ask for your forgiveness. But I want to end this without animosity between us. I want to say goodbye the right way.”
Tears threatened to fall from Matt’s eyes and he was blinking hard not to let it happen. His eyes were red with unshed tears. If it was the old and cynical me I would have curled my lip in disgust at him.
The loneliness and animosity that plagued me for months were slowly being lifted away from my shoulders. I should’ve done this a long time ago to save myself from the hurt and heartache.
He was right, we should end this without animosity. I was a long way from understanding why he did what he did but at least I could accept it. Even if it was far from forgiveness, it was one step to moving forward.
“Hey,” I said, my voice was soft, trying to comfort him with the word. “Although what you did really sucks, I don’t hate you so much anymore. For the record, the times we’ve spent together were some of the happiest in my life. I’ll always cherish them. You were there for me when I needed you the most, when I was figuring out things for myself. You’ve been good to me, and I thank you for that.”
The tears he was holding back now came freely falling down, one after another. And before I realized it, I was crying too.
Matt’s thumb wiped the tears from my eyes. “God, Georgie. I don’t deserve you. You’re too good.”
For a few beats we just sat there, staring at each other, trying to communicate with our eyes all the words that couldn’t be said out loud.
It was amazing how much you can know another person. You can tell when they’re upset just by the tone of their voice even if they don’t say it outright. Their silence could convey more words than when speaking out loud. A smile could mean a thousand different things. Your actions become attuned to theirs, their feelings reflect yours. Matt and I still had that familiarity. And in that moment we didn’t need words because of how familiar we were with each other.
After a moment I said, "Okay." It was only one word but it weighted so much. It was goodbye, I loved you and I'm setting you free in one word. "So this is it, then?"
"Yeah, I guess this is it. Good bye, Georgie."
He pulled me into a hug and I was surprised with myself for not pulling back. Instead, I received it because I knew that it would be our last hug. This was the conclusion of the seven years we had known each other. This was goodbye.
Maybe we would still see each other again, bumping into each other at the grocery store or something like that, but we would never be the same. This was it for us. This was the end of the road.
"Goodbye, Matt."
CHAPTER TEN
Atkins
I could feel my heart imploded at the sight of Georgie and Matt holding hands. I was standing just outside the cafe where they were talking.
It was a bad idea to follow her here. But I knew I wouldn't stop thinking about it if I didn't do it.
Yesterday, I asked her to go out for coffee with me but she said she wasn't free. She told me she had somewhere to go to with Mariz. The thing was, I knew she was lying because I overheard Mariz talking to her mom on the phone. Mariz promised her mom she would visit her in Jersey City. So I knew Georgie was bullshitting me.
I didn't mind that she turned me down, but I was curious why she had to make an elaborate lie. So today when she went out after work, I followed her.
And now I knew why she had to lie to me. She was getting back with Matt.
I climbed into my car, gunned the engine and drove away from that damn place. My knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel too hard. It was all I could do to not punch and break something. Maybe I should've broken Matt's face when I had the chance.
I raked my hand through my hair. The pain in my chest and the burning sensation of unshed tears were too overwhelming. I pounded the steering wheel, the smarting pain in my fist wasn't satisfying enough. I wanted to hit something, to feel something. Because right now I was numb on the inside, numb and hurting at the same time.
Fuck this. He didn't deserve her. I couldn't believe that she'd get back with him after the bastard cheated on her.
Five years. They'd been together for five years. How could I compete with that? Of course, she would choose him. I was just foolish enough to think that I had the chance when all this time I was just a distraction to her.
It was the morning after but it felt like a million years ago. It was hard to imagine that I'd lost Georgie not twenty four hours had passed. I could stay in bed all day and call in sick but what good would that do? I would only be running away from my problem.
My stomach was also grumbling from missing dinner last night. I dragged my body to the kitchen to get some grub to eat.
I frowned at the meager contents of my fridge— bottles of condiments, leftover takeout, and a suspicious tub of something unrecognizable from being stored in the fridge for probably a month or more. I spotted a carton of milk and decided it was the best damn breakfast food I could get my hands on at the moment.
I poured myself a glass of milk and brought it to my lips only to spit it back out because of the sour taste and rancid smell.
"Goddamn this," I muttered as I chucked the offending milk carton in the trash bin. That was it. No breakfast for me. My stomach grumbled again but I ignored it and made for the shower instead.
My eyes were red with the lack of sleep, but what was new? It wasn't unheard of in my line of work. But my shoulders were stooped just a little lower, weighted by my shattered heart.
My stomach turned at the thought of seeing Georgie again but my damaged heart stuttered at the thought of her today. I did my usual morning ritual of brushing my teeth, shaving and showering. I was on auto pilot the whole time. I didn't need the full attention of what I was doing. My body had become so accustomed to it that I could probably do it in my sleep.
The day was just like every other day. The normalcy of it all hurt too much. How could the day be pleasantly warm on a winter month when there's a storm raging inside of me?
The first person I saw at the office today was the very person I dreaded to see. My eyes automatically searched for her, it was like a reflex.
She flashed her brightest smile. It hurt to look at her and know I could never have her.
"Hey, you're late." Her tone was light, smile still on. There was a glint in her eyes which could only be happiness. I knew because I used to have the same bright smile and eyes when I looked at myself in the mirror and think that I was going to see her later that day.
I wanted to tuck the stray strands of her hair behind her ear. I wanted to cup her face, to kiss her senseless. Right here, right now.
But instead of doing that, all I said was, "Don't you think I know that?" in my most annoyed voice. How could she smile at me like nothing happened? Like she didn't
toss me to the curb?
Her smile wavered and died down. It was almost satisfying, if I didn't feel so shitty today.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Georgina
I'd never felt lighter in months. I knew that when I woke up in the morning Matt wouldn't be there waiting for me on my door, when I check my phone for messages I knew his texts wouldn't be flooding my inbox. Today I woke up knowing that my past was well behind me and I shouldn't worry about it catching up to me.
So when I saw Atkins walked through the door today, I couldn't help smiling just a little bit wider. He was looking really good, with freshly shaven face and tousled hair. I almost sighed out loud.
He was one of the reasons why I braved my past and faced Matt. I wanted to start a clean slate with Atkins. Maybe I didn't want a straight-up romantic relationship right away but I'd like to see how it would go with him. I wanted to take it one step at a time.
"Hey, you're late," I said in a joking manner.
He frowned at me, looking annoyed. "Don't you think I know that?" And with that he sauntered over to his workstation.
What was with him today?
Maybe he was just tired or maybe he woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Either way, I decided to cut him some slack. The guy was probably not in the mood for small talk. I couldn't blame him. Everyone in the firm was particularly high-strung because two of our projects were due this week and we were racing against time to finish them.
I powered up my computer and logged on to my email account. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Atkins stand up and walk to Lukas's office. He closed the door and stayed there for a few minutes— not that I was counting.
Fifteen minutes later Atkins got out of the office, his face red with anger. He slammed the door shut but not before Lukas said, "You can't do this. We're not done talking." Without another word, Atkins grabbed his coat, which draped on the back of his chair, and stalked out of the room.
"What was that about?" Zang asked to Clyde. Clyde only shrugged in response.
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