“Alone?” Neal frowns at Desmond.
“Yeah. I got parent’s evening for Andrea and Bella tonight.”
“You do?”
“I told you about this weeks ago, Neal. Do you ever actually listen when I tell you things?”
“I’ve been distracted.” Neal huffs.
“Sure.” Desmond nods. He knows that he has to tell Neal things several times for there to be any hope of him remembering and that Neal doesn’t do this on purpose, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. He doesn’t want to make their current situation any worse by mentioning this, though, so he stays quiet. He kisses Neal’s forehead before standing up and walking across to the sink to dump his dishes. “So, you going to be okay?”
“With Alex?” Neal is quiet for a few seconds. “I’m sure we’ll be fine.”
***
Desmond stands in the doorway to the bedroom, watching Alex for a few minutes before clearing his throat and stepping forward.
“I’ve got to get going now.”
Alex frowns for a few seconds before nodding.
“Andrea and Bella. Well, good luck, but I’m sure they’ve been doing fine.”
“Thanks.” Desmond smiles. He hesitates for a few seconds before speaking. “Alex …”
“I am sorry, you know.” Alex turns to face Desmond.
“I know,” Desmond walks over and puts his hands on Alex’s shoulders, “but you need to work this out with Neal, not me.”
“I need to apologise to you, too. I …”
“I’ve heard it, Alex, I believe you and I will gladly do it all over again if you want, but I really have to go now.”
“Yes.” Alex smiles as best he can and nods. “I’ll see you later.”
***
Neal is sat on the couch and staring at the television, without registering what’s on the screen. He put Matthew and Elizabeth to bed a while ago, leaving him nothing to do, but worry about the situation with Alex. He should be used to it by now - it’s been weeks since Alex said those awful words to him - but he still worries about it as if it happened yesterday. He goes over the situation in his head, time and time again, trying to work out some possible solution, but, once again, nothing feasible comes to mind.
Tonight, things go a little bit differently.
Neal hears some sound out in the hallway and looks up. He looks up, half-hoping that it’s Matthew or Elizabeth, looking for some comfort after waking up in the middle of the night, but it’s Alex and he still doesn’t know what to say. He turns his head away, expecting Alex to walk right by, like he’s gotten so used to over the past several weeks. He jumps when Alex sits down on the opposite end of the couch. He hesitates for a few seconds before turning to look at Alex.
Alex stares at the floor and kicks at a spot on the carpet. He glances at Neal through the corner of his eye.
“I … I’m scared.”
Neal opens and closes his mouth several times, but can’t think of what to say so he just continues to stare at Alex instead.
“I didn’t …” Alex wrings his hands together. He’s quiet for a minute as he thinks about what to say. “This was never something I expected would happen, not to me. I don’t … I didn’t want this to be happening to me.” He touches a hand to his stomach. “I’m sorry that I’m not handling this as well as you did.”
“You think I handled it well?” Neal sighs and rolls his eyes. “It’s not as if I knew it was possible for me then either. Do you not remember how I cried for weeks? That I didn’t even tell you and Desmond right away? Alex, I know what it’s like to be terrified about this. Why would you not just talk to me?”
“Because you don’t know what it feels like,” Alex looks up at Neal, “not really. You cried for a few weeks and then everything made sense.” He lowers his gaze and frowns for a few seconds. “I don’t mean to say that what you felt wasn’t as bad, but you learned to be okay with this. Neal, I’m still not.” He looks up at Neal. “I still don’t want to be pregnant.”
Neal’s eyes widen, just a fraction. He opens his mouth to speak, but his thoughts are too jumbled and he can’t pick just one to voice.
“I … I love this baby, Neal. I know you might not believe that, but I do. I cannot wait to meet him or her, but that does not mean I want to be pregnant.”
“You don’t exactly have a choice now, Alex.”
“I know this!” Alex sighs and leans his head back. “I know. I would never think about ending this, but I don’t have to enjoy it.”
“Alex …” Neal reaches a hand out towards Alex.
“No.” Alex shifts across the couch, away from Neal, but doesn’t look away. “You learned to accept it, Neal, to embrace it, but I can’t. I don’t want to go through this.”
“I got through it. I’m getting through it again now.”
“And how hard was it for you sometimes?” Alex shakes his head. “I know that it was hell for you sometimes and I am not that brave.”
Neal opens his mouth to reassure Alex that he’s stronger than he gives himself credit for, but he doesn’t get the chance.
“And I don’t want to be.” Alex looks down at the floor. He takes a deep breath before looking back up at Neal. “I would never blame you for giving it up, to stay at home with our children, but I don’t want that. I want more out of my career. I don’t even want to give up doing what I’m good at, when things were finally getting back on track.”
“Then why are you doing it?”
“Because I love this baby already and the thought of it not being born is terrifying. I just … I don’t want to do it.”
Neal grits his teeth. He’s too angry right now and doesn’t think that shouting at Alex will help this situation improve. He takes several deep breaths and looks at Alex.
“Do you think we want to see you suffer? Do you think Desmond and I want you to do this just because it’s the right thing?”
“I want this baby, I do, but I don’t want to have to go through everything first. It … It’s too hard.”
“I know.” Neal shifts across the couch and wraps an arm around Alex’s shoulders. “I know.”
Alex wants to pull away - this isn’t all back to normal - but he can’t bring himself to move.
Neal is quiet for a minute before speaking again.
“We would never be angry at you for feeling these things. We would not hate you, ever.”
“Really?” Alex glances up at Neal. “If I told you I didn’t want to be pregnant, that I was thinking about not having this baby, would you be okay with it?”
“I might not be so happy, but you are allowed to feel these things, Alex. You are supposed to talk to us about them, too.”
“I didn’t want you to hate me.”
“I never would, neither would Desmond.”
“I think sometimes I would hate myself.” Alex leans against Neal. “I don’t want to think of this baby as any kind of burden, but I couldn’t help it. I can’t help it sometimes still.”
“So you didn’t say anything? You thought you were pregnant and you didn’t say anything? You found out for sure and you didn’t say anything? Alex …” Neal sighs. “We are meant to deal with these things together, no matter how difficult they are. You can’t keep secrets like this or hide how you are feeling. It’s hard enough for us anyway, but you were making it worse.”
“I’m sorry.” Alex tries to shift away, but Neal won’t let him move anywhere. He’s quiet for a minute. “I thought that the longer I ignored it, the fewer people that knew about it, then the longer I could pretend that everything was normal, the longer I could do everything that I always have.”
“You are stupid, do you know that?”
“Yes. I just …” Alex sighs and closes his eyes. “I won’t … I’ll do better.”
Neal laughs and kisses the top of Alex’s head.
Alex settles against Neal and stays quiet for several minutes.
“I’m sorry for the other things I said. I … I sh
ould never have … It’s not true. I would never believe it. I … I love you and I am so sorry. I just wanted everything to stop - the fighting and the shouting and … I just wanted it to stop.”
“Well, you made that happen.”
Alex pulls back and looks at Neal.
“I would never … It’s not true, I know that, but I was so angry and mixed up and it’s the only thing I could think of. You would leave me alone and Desmond would too. I should never have said it and I am so sorry. I’ll apologise forever.”
“Alex …” Neal sighs. He’s quiet for another minute or so while he thinks about what else to say. “You need to talk to us about these things, not let everything build up until it becomes too much like this. I … I know that it’s not true, that we would not have Matty and Libby and these two babies here if you didn’t love me, but it is always going to be something I am afraid of and you know this. You can’t say it.”
“I won’t. I promise. Never again.”
“And I believe you.” Neal offers a brief smile and puts his hand on top of Alex’s hand. “You can’t ever let it get to that point again, you don’t ever need to. I … If it ever gets like that again, Alex, I can’t stay - you know that.”
Alex looks down and squeezes his eyes shut, but fails to stop his tears from falling.
“Hey.” Neal puts a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, too - I should not have said anything when you asked me not to. It’s not my place to share things you don’t want me too. I will try to think more before I speak, especially when I know it’s that important to you, but you have to promise to try, too - you have to promise to be more honest.”
“I do. I will.” Alex wipes his eyes. “I don’t want to lose any of this.”
“We won’t.” Neal wraps his arms around Alex. “We won’t.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
When Desmond gets home, he half-expects to hear shouting or to find Neal and Alex as far apart as they can manage. He does not expect to find them curled up together on the couch, but that’s what he sees when he walks into the living room.
Alex looks up just in time to see Desmond walk into the room.
Desmond leans against the doorframe. He folds his arms across his chest and just looks at Alex.
Alex opens and closes his mouth a few times before speaking.
“He fell asleep,” Alex nods down to Neal, “and now I can’t move.”
Desmond rolls his eyes and pushes himself away from the doorframe. He walks over and shifts Neal to the empty space on the other side of the couch. He earns a soft whine in response, but Neal doesn’t wake up. He opens his mouth to tell Alex that he’s free, but Alex is already out of his seat. He rolls his eyes again.
“I have pins and needles.”
“Dumbass,” Desmond mutters. He stands up and steps forward. He presses a kiss to Alex’s forehead. “So?”
“Better.” Alex steps back and shrugs. He walks through to the kitchen and grabs a glass. He looks back over his shoulder to find that Desmond has followed him. “So how have the twins been at school?”
“Good. They still talk too much sometimes, but even that’s getting better.” Desmond walks forward. “You know I’m not letting you get out of here until you explain, right?”
Alex huffs. He fills his glass with water and then goes to sit at the kitchen table. He looks up at Desmond.
“We talked and worked things out.”
“Yeah, that much is obvious.” Desmond sits at the kitchen table next to Alex. “How? I mean, what happened to make you finally do this?”
Alex takes a sip of water and puts the glass back down on the table. He stares at Desmond for a few seconds before replying.
“Okay.” Alex shifts around to a more comfortable position. “Actually, it was Brandon.”
“Bran?” Desmond frowns at Alex. “You fixed it because of him, but not because of me?”
“It’s not like that exactly.” Alex is quiet for a few seconds, while he thinks of how best to explain this. “Well, he called me before and said he wanted to help, which, apparently, David doesn’t think he’s capable of so I should call him later and tell him that …”
“Alex.”
“Okay, yes - off-topic.” Alex offers a brief smile. “He was … Wait, you have to promise not to tell anyone this.”
“Alex …”
“It’s important - he wouldn’t want anyone to know.”
Desmond frowns for a second before nodding.
“Thank you.” Alex takes a deep breath before continuing. “The thing is, he was pregnant.” He glances up at Desmond to gage his reaction and isn’t surprised to see surprise etched on his face. “It was a few years ago. They didn’t have the baby. Obviously, they didn’t or they would have a toddler now. I …” He looks down and wrings his hands together. “I mean, they decided to not have the baby. Brandon was pregnant and not happy about it, just like I wasn’t.” He jumps right back in again, before Desmond has a chance to react. “I’m not saying I would make that decision - I wouldn’t now, I maybe never would - but he …” He sighs and looks up again. “Everyone expects you to be happy when you find out that you’re pregnant - there’s this new life and all of this joy. I know Neal expected me to feel this way and I think even you did sometimes, but it just wasn’t there. I think I just needed to hear that it was okay to not feel happy about it, that I wasn’t the only one to ever feel that way.”
Desmond stares at Alex for a minute.
Alex shifts forward in his seat and takes hold of Desmond’s hand.
“I love this baby and I can’t wait for it to be born, to see what kind of life it has, but that doesn’t mean I like how it’s getting here. I don’t …”
“I know,” Desmond mutters. He tries to conjure a smile, but he’s not sure if it works or not. “You said all this to me already. I don’t understand why it took someone else telling you that it’s okay to not feel happy for you to be honest with me and Neal. Alex, you’re supposed to talk to us about these things, about everything.”
“I know.” Alex sighs. “I know and I promised Neal I would try to be better, but it’s just not easy for me to deal with these kinds of things.”
“Yeah.” Desmond manages a small fond smile. “God forbid if anything fucks with your master plan.” He shakes his head and squeezes Alex’s hand. “You can’t keep secrets, Alex, and, if you’re not happy, then you need to say something.”
“I know. I really promise that I will try.” Alex is quiet for a minute before speaking again. “If I had made the decision he had, would you have been able to forgive me?”
“Please tell me that’s not why you’re putting yourself through this.”
“No.” Alex shakes his head. He squeezes Desmond’s hand again as a measure of reassurance. “I think maybe worrying about that is why I didn’t say anything.”
“Alex, you’re allowed to think differently than we do - people in relationships don’t always agree, but they talk and work things out. Just … do that, okay?”
“Okay.” Alex smiles. He bites on his lower lip for a second before speaking again. “So? Would you?”
“I …” Desmond frowns for a moment. “I don’t know. I honestly don’t think it’s a question I can give you a real answer to unless we’re going through it and we’re not going through it. I can promise you that, no matter what happens, I will always love you.”
“That might not always be so comforting if you get angry at me.”
“Then I promise I’ll try to be better, too, huh?” Desmond smiles at Alex for a few seconds. “Now, come on. Let’s get back to Neal - he’ll probably be awake and wanting feeding anytime.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Desmond is awoken sometime during the night by whispers somewhere by the door. For a moment, he thinks that it’s Matthew and Elizabeth, who sometimes still jump into their bed in the middle of the night, but when he opens his eyes, he sees Neal and Alex nudging each other by the door.
“W
hat the hell are you two doing?” Desmond wipes the sleep from his eyes and sits up.
“See?” Neal smacks Alex’s arm. “I told you that you’d wake him up.”
“I did not.” Alex’s eyes widen. “You’re the one that wouldn’t shut up.”
“I …”
“Hey.” Desmond holds a hand up. “How about you stop arguing and tell me what’s going on? I thought the idea of me sleeping in here tonight was so I didn’t wake you two up when I left early in the morning.”
“Well, someone,” Alex gives Neal a pointed look, “said he couldn’t sleep without you and that meant I wasn’t allowed to sleep either.”
“Shut up.” Neal glares at Alex. “You miss him, too.”
“That’s sweet.” Desmond smiles for a second. “Go back to bed.”
“But …”
Desmond rolls his eyes. He could spend even longer arguing about this, but decides not to waste the time - and the precious hours of sleep - and stands up. He walks back down towards the main bedroom. He smiles when he hears Neal muttering to Alex somewhere behind him.
“See? I told you it would work.”
***
When Alex returns to the kitchen after his fourth trip to the bathroom in the last hour (this baby seems content to spend the entire nine months pressed against his bladder), he finds Neal glaring at Desmond from across the table. He opens his mouth to ask what happened, but Neal speaks before he gets the chance to say anything.
“He doesn’t want me to go to the airport.”
“Neal, I’ve got nothing against you coming with me. I just don’t want you to drive.”
Neal folds his arms across his chest and narrows his gaze.
“There’s nothing wrong with my driving.”
Alex doesn’t mean to burst out laughing, but he can’t stop himself.
Neal turns his glare towards Alex.
“I knew you’d take his side.”
“Maybe you should try learning how to not crash then.”
“That was only once.” Neal huffs.
“And the speeding?”
“I …”
“Look,” Desmond reaches out towards Neal, “you’re pregnant now so …”
The Omega's Finest Baby: An Mpreg Romance (Unexpected Book 2) Page 8
