by Ananth
‘You don’t get it, do you?’
I looked at her, perplexed.
She hugged me. ‘I love you, Sid,’ she said in my ear and, pulling back, planted a small kiss on my lips.
When we separated, she was staring at me but I still couldn’t bring myself to say what I knew in my heart she wanted to hear – I love you too. She had that gentle look in her eyes but I sensed she was angry and hurt. Just when I thought she was going to say something, she smiled, picked up her bag, turned and walked away.
It was happening to me all over again. I stood there watching her walk into the terminal, hoping she would turn back and wave. She didn’t. Slowly I began to feel miserable. All this while I had lived my life on my own terms and I just didn’t understand why Cara had used this to test the relationship.
She knew I couldn’t just take the flight as she had suggested and go with her to visit her mom. What, simply drop everything and go with her? And when she had asked if I would come with her, I had said no. It wasn’t just the work here, I wasn’t sure I was up to meeting her parents just yet. True, I had spoken with her mother, but that had been entirely by accident. This trip would have meant a completely different thing; I might have had to stay with them and spend time with the family, something I hadn’t done in all my adult life and didn’t feel comfortable doing, especially when I hadn’t reconciled with my feelings for her. I knew that I still wanted her very badly. I knew I sought the pure joy I felt whenever we made love but I just couldn’t get Nat out of my head either. I couldn’t get myself to let either of them know what I was thinking. As I walked towards the parking lot Cara texted me a poem I already knew well enough to break my heart.
Somewhere within your loving look I sense,
Without the least intention to deceive,
Without suspicion, without evidence,
Somewhere within your heart the heart to leave
30
On the way home from the airport I called Nat.
‘Hey.’
‘Hey. You okay?’
She knew.
‘Can we meet, Nat?’
‘Now?’
‘Please,’ I pleaded.
She went quiet for a bit. ‘Nat?’
‘Okay. I’ll have to find an excuse. Are you home?’
‘Will be in half an hour.’
‘Okay, I’ll see you,’ she replied.
An hour later the doorbell rang and I let her into the apartment.
‘You’ve been drinking?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
‘May I?’ I asked before throwing my arms around her, holding her tight. She hugged me back. It was the most comforting thing that had happened to me all morning.
‘What happened, Sid?’
I didn’t reply but held her tighter and she stood there, letting me hold her.
‘Don’t let go of me.’
‘Sid?’
‘Please, Nat, promise you won’t let go of me.’
‘You’re scaring me, Sid. What happened?’
I didn’t say anything. I took her hand and led her to the couch. She sat down next to me and ran her hand through my hair as I lay my head in her lap. She bent over me and wrapped her arms around me, holding me tight.
‘I won’t, I promise,’ she whispered and planted a kiss on my forehead.
Her hair smelled of lavender and for some strange reason it brought tears to my eyes. I was in love with someone with whom I didn’t have a foreseeable future, but I had finally found love or so my heart had me believe.
Acknowledgements
Quite like a photograph, a lot goes into the making of a novel. But unlike a photograph (and don’t believe anyone who says writing is a solitary sport) it’s the invaluable presence of friends who populate my world that has made this work possible. In no particular order and with all my heart I thank Diya, Sivapriya, Udayan, Jaishree, Shatarupa, Rahul, Naga, Bhavi and Chiki, especially.
No word, sentence, paragraph, page or indeed waking moment will be complete without H. To have, to play with.
THE BEGINNING
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PENGUIN BOOKS
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First published by Penguin Books India 2014
www.penguinbooksindia.com
Copyright © Ananth 2014
Words and music from ‘Coming back to life’ © Pink Floyd Music Publishers Ltd administered by Imagem (UK) Ltd. Reprinted with permission.
‘Interpretation’ and ‘Half Out of Sleep’ from All You Who Sleep Tonight © Vikram Seth 1990. Reprinted with permission.
Cover photograph by Bhumika Bhatia
Cover design by Bhavi Mehta
All rights reserved
ISBN: 978-0-143-42362-1
This digital edition published in 2014.
e-ISBN: 978-9-351-18811-7
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and any resemblance to any actual person, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior written consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser and without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above-mentioned publisher of this book.
