by Karen Osman
‘Pot. Kettle. Black,’ teased Angela.
She looked up at him. He really was very handsome, so when he asked for her phone number she didn’t hesitate.
‘There’s no need to wait with me – the train will be here in a minute.’
‘Always trying to get rid of me, aren’t you?’ he joked. As the train hurtled noisily into the station, he leant down and gave her a kiss on the forehead. It was strangely intimate.
‘I’ll call you. See you next week,’ he said, before turning and walking quickly up the stairs. Angela smiled after him. Gratefully stepping on board, she found herself grinning like a teenager. She knew she would pay for it tomorrow, but she’d had a much better time than she’d expected. It was good to talk about something other than work. As she looked for a seat, she briefly saw her reflection looking back at her in the window. I even look like I’ve had far too much wine, she thought smiling as she grabbed the last remaining seat.
16
Tuesday 16 January 1973
Dear Diary,
I’m glad Christmas is over. Ray and Kath are still arguing most nights. I wish they would stop. Kath is always grumpy these days and she doesn’t cook as much for us any more. I think she forgot that she was going to teach me because when I reminded her she just looked at me as if she felt sorry for me. On Christmas Eve, she did make us hot chocolate, though, and the next morning we all got one present each. The littlies got sweets and an orange, some of us got a book, and the boys got a ball or marbles. I was hoping for a matching eye shadow and lipstick set from Woolworths. When Mary opened hers, she got a nightie. It wasn’t like our normal cotton ones but bright red, and it slithered through your fingers when you tried to hold it. It was very beautiful. I thought Mary would be happy but she quickly hid it away.
A.
Wednesday 17 January 1973
Dear Diary,
Ray said he has a big surprise for me for my birthday. He says as I will be 12 years old, I will be a woman and all grown up! He told me after school on Friday to come to the den and he will give it to me. I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep! I wonder what it is.
A.
Friday 19 January 1973
Dear Diary,
I can’t believe I’m 12 and a woman! When I went to the den, Ray had the present waiting for me and I could tell from the size that it was the eye shadow and lipstick set!!!! I ripped it open and Ray started laughing. He told me a lady would open it slowly but I was desperate to try the colours. There are four eye shadows and one lipstick and they are in a compact in the shape of a butterfly. I put the coral colour on my eyes and the pink lipstick on – Ray had even brought the hand mirror so I could see how I looked. He told me I looked beautiful and I agreed it made me look older – even as old as 14 or 15! Ray asked me if I was going to thank him and I said thank you and he said no, you have to thank me like a lady thanks a man, with a kiss. I got a funny feeling in my stomach, but I leant over quickly and kissed him on the cheek, like I had seen Mary do with Peter, but at the last moment he turned his face and he ended up with lipstick all over his lips. I could smell his cigarettes, so I brushed my teeth extra hard afterwards.
A.
Thursday 15 February 1973
Dear Diary,
Last night after tea, Ray gave me and Mary a special job. We had to babysit the littlies and put them to bed and make sure all the lights were out by 8 p.m. Ray said Mary was in charge of everyone and I was second in charge. I told him Mary wasn’t the boss of me. He said it was for one night only as he was taking Kath out for Valentine’s for a romantic meal. Mary said she would do it but only for two cigarettes. He handed them over and gave two to me as well even though I still don’t like them. When Kath came down the stairs she looked like a film star. Ray said isn’t my wife the most beautiful woman on earth and she looked really happy then. After they left, we all went wild putting the TV and radio on, eating from the snack cupboard and running around jumping on furniture. Me and Mary did funny impressions of Kath and Ray bossing everyone around and everyone was laughing. We had a great time. Then we told everyone to go to bed and they all did except Julia, who started crying. The boys went to their room as well. I held Julia until she eventually fell asleep and then me and Mary sat on the doorstep and smoked our cigarettes even though it was freezing cold. I think we both liked being in charge.
A.
Monday 12 March 1973
Dear Diary,
Last night something strange happened. We were all in bed – Julia has started sleeping next to me, probably because I hug her to stop her crying – it’s the only way to get some rest. Anyway, I fell asleep but in the middle of the night, the door opened to our room and someone came in. Nasty Nora always used to lock the door at night. Sometimes Fat Franny would come in after lights out with extra blankets or to check on us but we always knew it was her. Anyway, I was so scared I couldn’t move and then eventually the person must have left. But why would someone come in the room and just stand there watching?
A.
Friday 20 April 1973
Dear Diary,
Every week Ray has been asking me to go to my den and meet him. I have been telling him we have homework to do but he said just for 20 minutes. We smoke and talk and sometimes he asks me to thank him for looking after us so well. Afterwards, he gives me a long hug and he said if I need anything, I should always come to him first. He doesn’t talk about a new girl arriving any more. Today was Good Friday. We don’t have to go to church, but Ray has promised to take us all to the Easter Egg hunt in the park.
A.
Tuesday 15 May 1973
Dear Diary,
Mr Wright has given me a warning at school. He said if I don’t start concentrating, he’s going to report me to Mr Biggs for not doing the homework. Mr Biggs is the headmaster. I’ve only been in his office once before – it smelt funny like an old musty library. He’s so old-fashioned he still wears a bow tie. Mr Wright asked me why I was struggling with the work. I told him I wasn’t struggling just that I don’t always have time to do the homework. He then asked me what I was doing instead and I told him being a lady. He told me not to be cheeky, that I had a bright future if I concentrated, and he would leave it at that for now. But he said if I missed homework again, I’d be in trouble.
A.
Thursday 28 June 1973
Dear Diary,
I am so tired and I haven’t written my diary for a few weeks. I REALLY don’t want to see Mr Biggs so I’ve started doing my homework at night in bed after going to the den and doing my chores. My eyes hurt but at least I’ve finished it all. We only have two more weeks of school left and then I won’t have to do this any more.
A.
Friday 13 July 1973
Dear Diary,
Today was the last day of school. I am so happy it’s over. Ray said while school is OK, it’s more important to learn about being a lady. He said it will be an easier life for me. I asked if it meant if I could leave the home soon, and he said yes, in a few years. Ray told Kath to give me cooking lessons as well. I still have to go to the den in the afternoons before chores but only on weekdays. He tells me to sit on his lap and talk to him. Sometimes, he has a small present for me, which he gives me for doing so well at being a lady. I wish we could go back to just talking.
A.
Wednesday 29 August 1973
Dear Diary,
It’s been over a year since Nelly left. She promised she would write to me but I’ve never received any letters. Maybe they won’t let her send any? But she said her new mummy and daddy were really nice so I think she just forgot about me. I wish they could have picked both of us then we could have lived together and shared a room! It would be pink and we would each have our own dresser filled with make-up. Mine would be pink and hers would be peach and they would have mirrors with lights around them. We would also have our own bikes with baskets on the front. Ray and Kath are arguing again. Kath is screaming at him. Sometimes Ray c
alls her an old fishwife. This time we know what they are arguing about, though – Mary has run away.
A.
Sunday 2 September 1973
Dear Diary,
Ray found Mary and brought her home. She looked awful – her hair was wild and she had a cut on her lip. When she saw Peter she started shouting and swearing at him, calling him a dobber. Ray held her by the arm but she escaped and started hitting Peter. Ray grabbed her and pulled her arms back until she begged him to stop. Then they took her to the kitchen and they closed the door. We could hear Kath using her wooden spoons on her and Mary was screaming. Then they took her upstairs to their bedroom and after a few minutes she was quiet. When I looked at Peter, he had tears on his face even though he’s 15. When he saw me looking at him, he said, it’s not my fault – they made me tell them where she was. Dobber.
A.
Saturday 13 October 1973
Dear Diary,
When the littlies came back from the park this morning, Julia wouldn’t stop crying. Ray said she had fallen over in the playground. Kath told me to get the little brat to shut up or she would get the wooden spoons out. I quickly took Julia to the common room. Julia said it hurt but she wouldn’t tell me where. I found her teddy and gave it to her and put the television on for her and she seemed quieter.
A.
Thursday 1 November 1973
Dear Diary,
Mary doesn’t come downstairs very much any more. As she’s the oldest, Ray and Kath said they have given her her own room with posters of David Bowie and she stays in there most of the time smoking. Ray says she’s a very disturbed girl and she needs medication to keep her calm. When we do see her, Mary doesn’t hit Peter any more but sometimes her eyes are a bit funny – like she just woke up from a bad dream.
A.
Tuesday 4 December 1973
Dear Diary,
One of the boys, Stuart, has a broken arm. Ray was outside playing with him and said he broke it while playing out in the den and slipped on some ice. Stuart was crying a lot. Ray took him to the hospital and now he has a cast on. Stuart let me write GET WELL SOON on it when he came back. Ray and Kath took him to another room upstairs, so he could rest without us bothering him.
A.
Wednesday 5 December 1973
Dear Diary,
Maureen says we have to do something about Mary. We haven’t seen her for ages. Maureen says she’s been held a prisoner. I told her that was silly and that she has her own room with David Bowie posters as she’s the oldest. Mary can come down if she wants to, but she needs medication to keep her calm. Maureen looked at me and asked, is that what Ray told you? Why does she always want to make me feel stupid? I said yes, but I would ask him again when I go to my den. Your den? she said. So I told her – all about the special den Ray had built just for me. I can’t be that stupid if Ray built it just for me. Show me, demanded Maureen. I should have said no, but it was too late, anyway – the secret was out. So I took her. And that’s when we saw Ray in my den with Julia. She was sitting on his lap and sobbing quietly. I ran away and was sick in the bushes. I got it on my shoes.
A.
17
Rosemary
The trouble with having a successful career woman as a daughter, thought Rosemary crossly, was the difficulty in getting in touch with her. That was the second message she’d left with the receptionist that morning. What was her name? Melanie? She’d left the first message with Nina. They were like triage nurses assessing the seriousness and importance of the caller. Apparently, mother fell into the non-urgent category. If Angela had got back to her two weeks ago when she’d first mentioned it, she wouldn’t be having to chase her now. Rosemary looked forward to her monthly day out in London and tried to coincide it with her daughter’s diary, so they could have a coffee or lunch together. It was several hours later when Angela called her back, sounding panicked.
‘Mum, is everything OK with Dad?’
‘Yes, yes, everything is fine with your father. Sorry to bother you at work but I just wanted to see if you had time for lunch or even a coffee? I can come any day this week, whenever suits you best. I know how busy you are.’
‘Oh, right, well, that’s a relief,’ replied Angela.
‘It would just be nice to get out of the house for a bit,’ added Rosemary, hoping she didn’t sound desperate.
‘Lunch, er, let me see…’
Rosemary could hear pages of a diary flicking.
‘Wednesday could be a possibility, but I’ll need to confirm with you the day before as I’m waiting to hear back from a client. Hmm, let me check Thursday. No, that’s out.’
Rosemary heard Angela sigh. ‘Sorry, Friday, I’m booked up solid the whole day.’
Rosemary held back her disappointment.
‘Of course, darling. I was thinking Wednesday anyway, so I’ll plan for that and you can let me know when you’re ready.’
‘Sounds good, Mum, thanks. You wouldn’t believe how busy it is at the moment. We have a new client…’
Rosemary listened to her daughter for the next fifteen minutes, eventually interrupting.
‘Well, darling, it seems like you have a lot on, as usual. Let me know if you’re free for an hour on Wednesday, otherwise I will see you when you next come home.’
Hanging up the phone, Rosemary knew that it was unlikely she would hear back. With a sigh, she picked up the phone and made a lunch reservation for one.
18
Evelyn
Evelyn woke up and grunted. She had been dreaming about Mother. It was bad enough that she had to go and visit her every week, but to have to put up with her in her dreams as well was too much.
Forcing herself up, she pulled on her dressing gown and looked in the mirror. She took in her gaunt face, ravaged by years of drug use, her greying hair that had once been a rich chocolate brown, and her turkey-neck. She looked old and tired, and she cursed her neighbours for continuing their incessant music and disturbing her sleep. At this rate, she may have to break her golden rule and at least threaten to call the police. Deciding it was too much effort to take a shower, Evelyn crawled back into bed and closed her eyes.
It didn’t take a genius to work out why she was dreaming about Mother. She captured remnants of the dream and turned them over in her mind. Ellen Harris’s prim and proper ways had made her strict and overbearing rather than loving, but from her early childhood years Evelyn had known her future – Mother had mapped it all out. Work hard at school, say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, get a typing job and then marry a nice boy and raise children. She didn’t blame her – it was, after all, how Mother herself had been raised – but the unexpected arrival of Jimmy in Evelyn’s life had changed everything.
Evelyn was attractive enough as a teenager but even she knew Jimmy was out of her league, which was perhaps why he had been able to persuade her so easily. When Ellen had discovered their relationship, she had beaten Evelyn with a hairbrush and banned her from ever seeing Jimmy again. But forbidden love is always the most irresistible and Evelyn couldn’t believe her lucky stars. Jimmy was everything she had ever dreamt about and represented a life far away from her overbearing mother.
Even today, Ellen wouldn’t let her forget her disobedience all those years ago, but Evelyn had never been able to bring herself to cut Mother off completely. Instead, she endured the weekly chiding and berating, and told herself that it was understandable Mother was so grumpy: Ellen was housebound, overweight, and could do nothing but sit in her chair and watch the world go by as she drew closer and closer to leaving it. Evelyn normally visited on a Sunday afternoon and it was her secret habit, as she made her way there, to imagine the various things she would love to say to her mother. You ruined my life, you miserable cow. Oh, how she would love to see the shock on Mother’s face as she gave her what for! But it was never going to happen; it simply wasn’t how she’d been brought up. Evelyn guiltily considered how long she would have to continue the weekly visits and pushed
the thought aside immediately. Ellen had survived two world wars – she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. There was nothing to be done, she just had to get through the visits as best she could.
Mother lived up in Finchley, in a small bedsit, and Evelyn usually took a week’s worth of shopping. After putting the food away and making tea, they sat together with the television blaring (Mother was slightly deaf) to disguise the fact that they had nothing to say to each other. After an hour, Evelyn would ask if there was anything she could do around the house and Mother would grumble that there was but she wouldn’t do it properly so what was the point, and then Evelyn would sit for a few minutes more, before dutifully kissing Ellen on the cheek and telling her she’d see her next week. On her way back home, she often continued her imaginary outburst of rage towards her, the hurtful words buzzing around her brain, frantically trying to escape.
19
Angela
‘So, how are you feeling, Dad?’ asked Angela on one of her weekend visits home. It had been two weeks since she’d last seen her parents, unable to come the weekend before as she had to prepare for an important client meeting. Arriving last night, she had tried to hide her shock at the change in her father’s appearance in such a short period of time. His face was practically hollow and he seemed to have aged several years. He had lost even more weight and his trousers hung off him. She made a mental note to check with her mum about buying him some new clothes.
‘I’m fine, thanks,’ he replied, smiling weakly. ‘Better today. Yesterday was difficult. Sometimes the chemo just floors me. The doctor did say I would have bad days, so I can’t say I haven’t been warned.’
‘Can I get you anything else?’ Angela asked, worriedly.
‘No, no need. I might just close my eyes for a bit, though.’ She had come to her parents’ bedroom to collect his breakfast tray, which Rosemary had taken up earlier that morning. It was just past ten and Angela quietly left the room with the untouched food. Going into the kitchen, she found her mother browsing her recipe book at the dining table while a pot of tea brewed.
