Dare To Love Again
Jordan Silver
Copyright © 2020 by Jordan Silver
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Contents
1. Giselle
2. Giselle
3. Calen
4. Giselle
5. CALEN
6. Giselle
7. Giselle
8. Calen
9. Calen
10. Calen
11. Calen
12. Giselle
13. Calen
14. Giselle
15. Calen
16. Giselle
17. Calen
18. Calen
19. Giselle
20. Calen
21. Calen
22. Calen
23. Giselle
24. Calen
25. Calen
26. Calen
27. Giselle
28. Calen
29. Calen
30. Calen
Epilogue
About the Author
Giselle
I’m equal parts nervous and terrified as I sit in the parking lot of the Crescent Mall and I have every right to be. There’s also a hint of unbridled excitement coursing through my veins that cannot be helped but that’s a different story. I looked into the rearview mirror at the little head in the car-seat in the back and my heart clutched with warmth and if I’m honest just a little bit of dread.
As my eyes fell on the time readout in the dashboard my heart picked up its pace and my pulse raced uncontrollably. He’ll be here any second. Will he even acknowledge me today, or will this be more of the same? I felt tears begin to prick the corners of my eyes at the thought but knew they were pointless. No amount of crying is going to turn back the hands of time.
Nothing is going to make this right, I know. My ex is not and has never been the most forgiving being on the planet. And if I’m being honest I wouldn’t be so quick to forgive me either if the shoe was on the other foot. Not after the stunt I’d pulled. Something I’ve regretted every day since but was too late to do anything about now.
You see, two years ago I left my husband. There was no explanation given and I didn’t even have the spine to do it in person. Just one day he left for work and came home to find divorce papers waiting for him. There was no note, no way of contacting me except through the lawyers who’d been hired.
If he’d been a monster an abuser, lazy, any of those things a woman might find fault with in a life partner, those actions would’ve been warranted, understood even. But he wasn’t, he was the world’s most amazing man. The mate of my heart, the keeper of my joy and happiness.
He was everything a girl dreams of but believes can’t possibly be real outside of her imagination. No one had ever treated me the way he did back then. I’d never been the center of someone else’s world. Never been more than enough for anyone.
He’d treated me like the rarest treasure, showered me with all the love and affection my sore bruised heart could take in and shown me a world many can only dream of. But in the end the fear that had lived in me from the very start came to fruition. That other being in my life, the one who hangs over my very existence like a dark cloud had found me, and my world came crashing down.
I knew that if I didn’t leave and get as far away from him as possible that the toxicity I’d lived with my whole life would spread to him, thereby tainting the almost fairylike perfection of our union. I couldn’t have that. I’d rather preserve those few months of bliss in my memory than stay and watch it fall apart like everything else in my life that had been touched by the hand of darkness.
The only thing is, I didn’t know that I was pregnant at the time. Upon realizing my state my first reaction was tearful joy. All was not lost. I will have a part of him with me for the rest of my life, someone I can look at daily and see some part of him looking back at me.
Then came the fear of the unknown. What will the monster do? I hadn’t moved back into the family home no matter the threats. Walking away from the lightest part of my heart was all the sacrifice I was willing to make, so once again I hid myself away. I’d learned after this last time that there was no use running, she’ll always find me.
Instead I changed things up at work so that I could work from home. Had all my groceries and takeout delivered and ordered my clothes online. But then the inevitable happened. My mother the toxic one showed up on my doorstep to see why I’d been shut away from the world and out of the aegis of her spies.
I can still remember the fear and dread I felt when I opened the door to see her standing there. And more, the look of hatred on her face. She ordered me to get rid of it, and for the first time that I can remember I fought back. There was nothing she could do. I was of age and lived on my own completely separate from her.
She’d pushed back, threatened and everything else she could think of but for once I held firm and refused, which surprised us both no-end. I wish I’d have found that same spirit months earlier but alas it was not meant to be. It was enough that I’d found it now though, just in time to save my unborn child.
After she’d left I still hadn’t felt safe enough to venture outside even though my secret was out. So I buckled down, changed the locks on my door and never even looked outside except for doctor’s appointments. I went to every one by myself, got my hands on all the research about childbirth and parenting and read or watched to keep me company.
I was alone when I went into labor as I’d expected and planned for. I was the one who called the ambulance. I was the one who gave birth alone, the one who came home from the hospital alone with a newborn baby that terrified me even though I’d prepared myself for it all.
Those first few days I was happy and scared at least part of each hour. The joy I felt when I looked at him cannot be measured, but I feared even more that a life like I had lived would be forced upon him if I didn’t do something.
There wasn’t much I could do though as was proven by the fact that she’d found me and once again destroyed something I loved. I told myself that that was the last thing she’d ever take away from me, my marriage. I’d spend my life protecting my darling son from her even if it cost me that very life. I’d go down fighting.
I thought of Calen everyday. Each time I looked at my son’s beautiful face I saw him. It was amazing how much of him I found in my son when there was hardly any of me in him. I’m the one who’d carried him after all, and yet, he was his daddy’s image.
I fell in love with my little bean more and more each day. Then one day I realized that I couldn’t hide him away with me, that he needed light and sunshine. I rebelled at the thought of raising him the way I had been, at denying him the natural pleasures of life. Things that should be enjoyed by all humans but had been denied me in the most formative years of my life.
It got easier and easier to leave the house without fear of being pounced on by my mother or one of her goons. But then as with everything else in my life, the inevitable happened. We were at the mall one day. Calen the fifth was in his stroller gleefully taking in the sights and sounds of people milling about while I licked an ice cream cone with a two year olds’ delight.
My heart fell as soon as I saw him, an old friend of my ex-husband’s. What was he doing here? His sort doesn’t frequent the mall, not many millionaires do. I’m pretty sure he’s worth millions even though Calen is worth a whole lot more. My ex is in a higher echelon than that for sure.
Anyway, I was stunned
when I saw him and mortified that he’d seen me as well. He’d made a beeline in my direction with a half smile on his face as if not sure of his reception. He came up short when he was almost at my side and saw the stroller and its occupant.
He did a good job of trying to hide it but I saw the look of recognition as soon as it hit his eyes. He’d played it off rather well, asking after my health and wellbeing without even mentioning the child but it was obvious that he’d put two and two together. How many times had I looked at my son and exclaimed in my heart at how much like his daddy he was?
And here was a man who’d known Calen half his life. A man who’d obviously noticed the similarities. I’d all but ran from the mall and headed home with a knot the size of Gibraltar in my stomach. Would he tell Calen what he saw, or will I get lucky and things would remain as they are?
I was no use once we got home and I locked us away behind closed doors wishing the world would stay at bay. I went through the motions of feeding my baby in his high chair while my mind was in turmoil. And then the phone rang, it had only been two hours since I left the mall.
“Bring my son to me or I’ll make you regret the day you drew your first fucking breath.” And then he hung up. I dropped to the floor as my legs gave out from under me. My first thought once again was to run. I even went around the apartment grabbing stuff to take on the run with us. Calen Jr.’s favorite stuffed toy, his blanket that he came home from the hospital with and was hardly ever without…
Then I realized it was fruitless. There’s nowhere in the world I can hide from my ex. Not with his money, resources and connections. He may not have come after me, but I had no doubt that he’d move heaven and earth to find his child. So I did the only thing I could do. I cleaned my son up and took him back downstairs to the car and proceeded to make the drive to what was once my marital home.
It was only a short half an hour drive away but felt like a lifetime. Calen was waiting outside the Grecian palatial mansion for us when I pulled down the long winding driveway. He didn’t even look in my direction as his hand reached for the backdoor where our son sat bundled into the car seat.
“Open it!” His words came to me through the protection of the glass. My hand trembled and I felt like I was going to throw up any second when I reached for the button to open the childproof door. I remember the way he’d snatched the door open. The way he’d stood there looking down at the evidence of my perfidy only then realizing just what I’d done.
I watched as he covered his mouth with his fingers just above his top lip. Something I’d seen him do a hundred times when he was trying to calm himself down. He still hadn’t acknowledged my presence as he stared down at our son who had fallen asleep on the ride but was now coming awake. I felt my womb contract as I watched him watch our baby for the first time.
I knew very well what he was seeing. The sun-blonde hair full of wild curls, and those blue-blue eyes that mirrored his to perfection. His eyes flicked to me in cold anger for just a brief second but I felt that look in my soul. It hurt, oh how it hurt. Thankfully it didn’t last long as he returned his gaze to our son who’s never met a stranger and was already smiling up at this new person.
Calen squatted inside the car door and looked at his son with something approaching awe on his face. “Hello little one, I’m your daddy.” His voice seemed to choke on the last word and I felt ashamed of what I’d done, what I’d robbed him of.
Then he got to his feet and unsnapped the straps holding my son in his protective seat and I jumped out of the car on the other side. “Please…” My voice was a tinny whisper but he heard. The look he threw me over the top of the car which I was clinging to since I could no longer feel my feet should be labeled a lethal weapon.
“I’m taking my son inside, you can come if you want it’s up to you.” My eyes fell to the tic in his jaw and I got to see what I’d not seen the day I walked out on him without a word. Hate, murderous barely concealed hate. I barely held back the moan of despair as I followed them inside.
Giselle
He’d changed everything. I felt the painful jolt in my heart as the severity of what that meant sank in. This is the home he’d bought for me, just for me. Though we shared it, it was everything I ever wanted in a home, every little girl’s dream, mine anyways, down to the turrets and miles and miles of glass that had always reflected the afternoon sun.
The house had been built as a replica of an old, sixteenth-century Italian castle. My own real-life palace on a hill that overlooked a beautiful valley down below. It was surrounded by nature’s beauty outside and full of grandeur and elegance inside.
I’d been like a kid at Disney Land when I first saw this place, and when he gave me the keys and a black card with no limit and orders to fit the place out as I’d like, I’d almost died on the spot. It was like everything I’d ever wished for handed to me at once. As if he’d reached into my heart and mind and found the best of what I kept hidden there and given it to me without question.
I didn’t want the help of a professional. I’d known almost all my life what period pieces I’d want in my home, what fixtures for the bathrooms etc. The fact that my new home was almost three times the size of my imaginary abode didn’t throw me off one bit. In fact, I accepted the new challenge with vigor and jumped right in while my new husband went back to work.
I remember the many hours spent choosing just the right colors and materials, the best furnishings even down to the fourteen-carat gold cutlery that had been imported from Italy as a surprise for me. There wasn’t one spot in the whole place that hadn’t felt my touch hadn’t been taken over by us because as much as the place looked like a showpiece, I wanted it to feel like our home, and it had.
Now it looked as if he’d gutted it and replaced everything that held any semblance of my touch, any reminders of me ever having been here. We reached the great room where Calen walked over to a chair near the unlit fireplace. He glanced my way once before turning his head to look down at our son. If he noticed my distress, he didn’t mention it and didn’t seem to care.
I stood just inside the doorway, feeling out of my depth. I was embarrassed at the way he was treating me and blaming myself because I knew I deserved it. He’ll never know how much I regret my decision at least ten times a day. Or how I wish daily for a miracle that would erase the past and take us back. Back to the day before the day, I made the biggest mistake of my life.
* * *
I snapped myself out of my daydream just as I saw the luxury car with the driver at the wheel pull in beside me. I didn’t let my eyes go to the backseat, where Calen was no doubt seated. It has only been a day and a half since he met his son for the first time, and here we are already.
Last night I’d had to beg him to let me take the baby back home with me since he didn’t have a nursery set up or anything that was suitable for baby Calen to safely sleep on. I wasn’t very surprised when he insisted on coming home with us and didn’t put up much of a fight even though the thought of him in my now seemingly tiny apartment filled me with anticipation and dread. Not that it would’ve mattered had I done so.
His behavior, cold as it was made it very clear that he didn’t care what I thought and had no interest in my opinion. He’d driven on my tail back to the apartment as if he were afraid that I’d drive off into the night, and he’d never see his son again.
Once back at the apartment, he was back to pretending I didn’t exist, and I was just a little jealous at the ease with which my son accepted him. My little one seemed starved for male attention, something he’s never had, and something I honestly never really gave much thought to until I watched him laugh and play with his dad.
I felt like a stranger looking in at the two of them, and nothing had ever felt so lonely. Once the baby had fallen asleep on his daddy’s chest, Calen had put him to bed in his crib. I grew increasingly nervous now that the buffer of our child was gone, but I need not have worried. He was there for his son, and no one else, and my pr
esence was pretty much superfluous.
I felt like I was in the way, and wasn’t even allowed to perform my nightly ritual of holding my son for a just a little while longer while he slept before putting him to bed for the night. Calen hadn’t put him down since he took him from the car, except for the drive here, and then he’d snatched him up into his arms again.
He’d slept in the baby’s room on the floor next to the crib as if expecting me to disappear with him in the night. That had hurt more than expected, the fact that he didn’t trust me, but what did I expect after what I’d done to him.
He hadn’t said two words to me; his only outward reaction apart from the time he spent talking to our son was his look of disgust when he walked into my apartment for the first time. It’s not that my place was a dump or in a bad neighborhood. But for someone who’d been born with a gold spoon in his mouth, I can see why he was annoyed by the fact that his son’s first year had been spent in a place that he found less than ideal.
In the morning, he’d awakened with the baby and watched as I fed him, which had been a bit embarrassing since my son refuses to take anything but my breasts, in the end, that became the thing that saved me from being separated from him since his father was hell-bent on taking him with him.
I’d just taken Calen Jr. off the tit when his dad’s voice broke the silence that seemed even heavier with him here in the small space that had offered me so much comfort even the day before, but now felt like a coffin. “Pack some stuff for my son; he’s coming home with me. Not too much, just what he’ll need for a day or so before I can get him what he needs.” My heart almost fell out of my chest at his words spoken so coldly he could’ve been talking to the child’s nanny for all the inflection in his tone.
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