For any question you answered yes to, take some time to write in your journal about examples of when this occurred and what happened.
Parenting with an Anxious Partner
Having children provides plenty of opportunities to experience anxiety, even for people not prone to anxiety. For those who are prone to anxiety, worries about parenting can start long before children are even born and then never let up. Most people always feel a degree of concern for their children and therefore worry about their health, safety, and well-being even after their kids are grown, out of the house, and parents themselves. There’s no doubt that having children changes a couple’s relationship as well. Anxieties about the relationship that neither of you anticipated may surface.
Behaviors That Indicate Anxiety about Parenting
We’ve all heard about parents who swoop in the instant their child cries or shows any kind of distress, even if the problem is minor. The term “helicopter parents” was coined as one way to describe parents whose anxieties about their kids cause them to hover and attempt to manage every aspect of their children’s lives in order to protect them. Beyond this fairly common form of anxiety about parenting, researchers have identified some parenting behaviors specific to people with anxiety disorders (Turner et al. 2003):
Being highly critical of the child, more so than nonanxious parents
Showing less affection, smiling less often, and predicting more catastrophes than nonanxious parents
Being less likely to ask the child’s opinion, to accept and respect the child’s point of view, and to encourage the child to think independently than nonanxious parents
Parents need not have an anxiety disorder to be anxious about their children. Unfortunately, there are plenty of reasons to worry, and many of them are beyond parents’ control. If your partner is prone to excessive worry about these things, she may restrict the activities your children participate in, not allow anyone other than herself and you to care for the children, and “protect” the children from situations she deems dangerous, even if they are age appropriate and safe.
Worry Thoughts about Parenting
Before you and your partner even have children, your partner may experience anxiety regarding infertility. Infertility or worries about it can cause tremendous stress for both partners, and health care providers often don’t address this adequately. It can be beneficial for both of you to address current anxieties, such as finances, relationship issues, or past traumas, and take steps to reduce anxiety prior to conception.
During pregnancy, it’s common for both partners to have some anxiety: Is the baby healthy? Am I ready to be a parent? What kind of parent will I be? How will I balance the obligations of being a parent, a partner, an employee, and all of my other roles? How will our lives change?
When the baby arrives, life changes completely, bringing seemingly unlimited new anxieties: I’m not ready for this! What does it mean when the baby cries like that? This little being is completely dependent on me. What if I let the baby down? I’m so tired. I’ll never be able to manage all of this!
As the child gets older, the anxieties continue to arise and evolve: Is he doing well in school? Does she have good social skills? What activities should we put him in so he goes to a good college? Am I too strict? Am I too lenient? What will happen if I let him play football? What if he gets hurt? Should I let her ride in a car with a new driver? What if she gets involved with drugs? What if she gets pregnant? What will others think of me if my kid is “messed up”?
There are countless ways to worry as a parent. If you and your partner are parents already, you know this. If the two of you are thinking about becoming parents, it’s important to consider and address your partner’s anxieties so that she’ll be in a better position to handle the increased stress that comes with having a child.
How Anxiety Can Affect Parenting and Your Relationship
Anxiety can have a huge influence on parenting. If your partner is overprotective, this can prevent your kids from exploring and experiencing the world in the ways necessary for children to learn. You and your partner may have very different ideas about what’s acceptable for your children because of your different perceptions of what is and isn’t safe. The advice to let kids be kids may not be okay with your partner if she’s afraid of what might happen. Remember that anxiety is about perceived dangers, not necessarily what will happen or what’s likely to happen. To your partner, the threat of your child being hurt may feel very real, and she may also feel as though she wouldn’t be able to manage her emotions if your child were hurt. If something does actually happen, such as the child falling and breaking a bone, your partner may clamp down and refuse to allow your child to do anything even remotely dangerous, even if the chances of injury are slim.
Differences of opinion about parenting can also cause conflict in your relationship. Say your child wants to ride her bike to another friend’s house, with friends but without a parent chaperone. You know the route they’ll take is safe, but if your child asks your partner, the answer is no. Then your child asks you and you say yes. As a result, not only does your child figure out which of you is more likely to say yes to such requests, but your partner is probably going to be angry with you for not agreeing with her and is also likely to feel increased anxiety because your child is doing something she finds frightening. Being on the same page with your partner regarding parenting is a topic for another book, so just keep this in mind: It’s crucial to realize that your partner’s anxieties are going to drive the decisions she makes as a parent, and that both of you will have to work extra hard to find workable compromises and deal with the anxiety that arises in the process.
Exercise: Parenting When Anxious
If you and your partner have children, take some time to consider the similarities and differences between your parenting styles. Specifically, think about willingness to let your children try new things and whether you allow them the freedom to play and explore independently, then write down some examples of how you handle these situations versus how your partner handles them.
Also consider whether your children tend to come to you or your partner when they want permission to do something that might be dangerous, such as playing sports, going on a ski trip, riding in a car with a newly licensed driver, skateboarding, and so on. Think of some specific examples and write them down.
Finally, consider your reactions versus your partner’s reactions when something difficult happens to one of your children, such as getting hurt physically, getting in trouble at school, or doing something embarrassing in public. Again, think of some examples and write them down.
What’s Next?
Anxiety can take a heavy toll on a romantic relationship, affecting nearly every area of your life together. However, many other couples face similar challenges, so the two of you aren’t alone in this struggle. A variety of techniques and skills can help you reduce and possibly eliminate the difficulties anxiety presents in your relationship. As you read through the rest of this book, you’ll learn these techniques and find advice on how to practice them, starting with the next chapter. We’ll begin by looking at how your thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes about anxiety may be affecting your relationship.
Distinguishing between Thoughts and Feelings
Although the terms “thought” and “feeling” are often used interchangeably, it’s important for you to distinguish between them when trying to understand your partner’s experience. Thoughts are an appraisal of what’s going on around us, whereas feelings happen in response to our thoughts. Another way to think about it (although there can be exceptions to this) is that thoughts originate above the neck, while feelings happen throughout the body.
Thoughts and feelings go hand in hand. If your partner thinks she’s loved and appreciated, she’s more likely to feel happy, content, or satisfied. On the other hand, if your partner thinks she’s worthless, incompetent, or stupid, she’s likely to feel anxious, depressed, or sad.
The good news is, feelings follow thoughts, and we’re capable of changing our thoughts. That’s why cognitive behavioral therapy is so effective for anxiety.
“I Submitted the Application, and Therefore, the Job Is Mine!”
Even in today’s job market, many people believe that all they have to do is submit a résumé or application and the job will be handed to them. Your partner may be in denial about the additional steps she’ll need to take if her application is accepted and the interviewing process begins. Sending in a piece of paper is the easy part. Having to sell herself to strangers who hold her destiny in their hands can provoke a great deal of anxiety. However, she can take many steps ahead of time to help ease her worries, such as talking over common interview questions, thinking about questions she can ask during the interview, deciding what to wear to the interview, and figuring out how much time to allow for getting to the interview.
Chapter 3
Typical Responses to a Partner’s Anxiety
In this chapter, we’ll examine some of the thoughts and feelings you may be having about your anxious partner. You may be thinking, Why look at my thoughts and feelings? I just want to know how to get my partner to stop being so anxious all the time or What does it matter how I feel? I’m trying to figure out how to help my partner. However, identifying and honoring the validity of your thoughts and feelings about your partner’s anxiety puts you in a much better position to understand where you need to direct your efforts so that your partner’s anxiety won’t continue to damage your relationship or perhaps destroy it.
Frustration
Having an anxious partner can be frustrating in many ways. A partner with GAD can frustrate you with constant worries that never seem to be relieved by reassurances that everything is okay. A partner with a specific phobia can be frustrating if the phobia limits what you can do. Perhaps you can’t take a vacation you’ve always dreamed about because your partner is afraid to fly, or you can’t live in your dream condo overlooking the city because it means taking an elevator to the twenty-fourth floor. A partner with PTSD can be frustrating if he’s constantly vigilant and can’t relax enough to enjoy time together even though you’ve done everything you can think of to make the environment safe and comfortable. A partner with OCD can frustrate you with his insistence that you must wash his clothes immediately, even though it means you’ll be late to work, or demands that everything be arranged just so in the kitchen pantry when all you want to do is put the groceries away and get on with the next chore.
A partner who struggles with panic disorder can cause frustration by constantly assessing whether he’s likely to have a panic attack or by having one at an inconvenient time. If you have a partner with social phobia, you may feel frustrated by having to make excuses for his behavior or absence, or about the fact that he can’t just get over his anxieties, even though he knows the people you’re socializing with. Anxious analysis after social encounters can also be frustrating, as he obsesses over little things that were inconsequential to you.
It’s completely normal to feel frustrated by a partner’s anxiety. Anxiety interrupts life and makes doing everyday things difficult. But if you allow your frustrations to grow into resentment and anger, that won’t be helpful or productive. Resentment and anger destroy relationships. Frustration, on the other hand, can be very motivating, so it’s important to use that energy in a positive way. This book will provide you with many strategies that can help you channel your frustration productively, particularly chapter 7, which offers lifestyle changes you can implement together to reduce the effects of anxiety on your relationship, and chapter 8, which focuses on taking care of yourself and staying healthy.
Exercise: Exploring Frustration
Think of a recent time when your partner’s anxiety made you feel frustrated. In your journal, describe the situation:
What happened? What were the circumstances that led up to the point of frustration? How did you react in the moment? What did you say and do? How did your partner react to your frustration?
Anger
At times it may feel as though having a partner with anxiety simply isn’t fair. A partner’s anxiety can wreak havoc on your life, and it may feel as if your life is diminished and you don’t have much control over it because everything revolves around your partner’s needs. Your life may become solely about accommodating your partner’s anxiety, avoiding places that trigger panic, performing rituals that alleviate his OCD, or not going to social events because he can’t handle the perceived scrutiny from others. You may wonder, How come I’m the one who has to adapt? Why can’t he get over it? I’m not the one with the problem!
You have every right to be angry at the problems your partner’s anxiety can cause. But given that you’re reading this book, it’s likely that you don’t want to be angry; rather, you want to figure out how to solve the problem. Like frustration, anger can provide motivation for making positive changes. You can’t change your partner overnight, but with time, the techniques and strategies in upcoming chapters can help the two of you alleviate his anxiety and adjust your lifestyle so he’s less prone to anxiety.
Exercise: Practicing Anger Management
Dealing with angry feelings may seem difficult at times, but you do have choices about how to react when your partner’s anxiety makes you angry. Take a look at the following list of techniques that can help you manage your anger. You might want to mark this page or jot down these ideas on a card you can keep in your wallet for handy reference when anger hits. The antianxiety techniques described in chapters 5 and 6 can also be effective in reducing anger.
Practice deep breathing, inhaling to a slow count to four and exhaling to a slow count to four. Repeat for three minutes. Repeat a calming word or phrase, such as “peace,” “calm,” or “relax.” It may help to focus your gaze on an object or close your eyes while doing this. Repeat the word or phrase until you feel calmer. Do something that requires you to be quiet and mindful, such as stroking a pet, watering plants, stretching gently, or working on a jigsaw puzzle. Take a time-out, giving yourself a few minutes alone. Explain to your partner that you need some time alone and then go somewhere else for fifteen minutes. During that time, you might try some of the other techniques listed here. You might also try journaling about your anger to see if you can come up with a solution to the situation that triggered your anger. Because it can be difficult to apply these techniques when you’re angry, and possibly even difficult to remember to try using them, it’s best to practice them regularly when you aren’t angry. This will make them more familiar and easy to implement in challenging situations.
Loneliness
Your partner’s anxiety may have turned your relationship into more of a roommate situation, where the two of you live together without sharing your lives. Perhaps there are activities that you’d like to do together that you pursue alone because of your partner’s fears. Maybe activities that were once fun to do together have become anxiety-provoking for your partner. It may feel as if your wants and needs don’t matter when your ideas and plans are dismissed because of your partner’s anxiety. It can feel very lonely to be in a relationship that’s dictated by your partner’s anxiety.
If your partner’s anxiety keeps him stuck in the “safety” of your home and you choose to stay home with him, you’ll also miss out on socializing and connecting with others. You can only turn down invitations so many times before people stop extending them. Alternatively, if you do go out on your own, you may miss the companionship of your partner.
You may also feel alone in dealing with your partner’s illness. Perhaps it seems as though no one else understands what it’s like for you. Family and friends may mean well, but they don’t live your life. However, it’s still very important to keep those connections so that you aren’t isolated, and so that when your partner is functioning well you both have other people to socialize with.
If loneliness is an issue, you may want to consider working with
a therapist so you can discuss your feelings and get support. Another possibility is joining a support group for people who have partners with mental illnesses. If there isn’t a support group in your community, look for an online group. Knowing that you aren’t alone can be a tremendous relief, and hearing about others’ experiences can provide validation.
Exercise: Combating Loneliness
In your journal, finish this sentence: “I get so lonely when…” Once you’ve written down what comes to mind, list three to five ways you can reduce your loneliness in that situation. Are there people you can reach out to? Are there activities or hobbies you can engage in with others? Are there social activities you can attend, with or without your partner?
Sadness
You may feel sad that your relationship with your partner isn’t what you had envisioned. This is also understandable. Most people have a mental picture of what life will be like when they’re in a relationship, and it can be disappointing when those dreams don’t come true. Perhaps you’re sad about what has happened to your relationship but don’t realize it because of other emotions that tend to be stronger and demand more attention, including anger and frustration.
Although we generally associate mourning with death, you have a right to mourn the loss of the relationship you had envisioned, or the loss of the relationship you had before your partner’s anxiety took over. Giving yourself time and permission to grieve is important. Just as you need to figure out what your life will be like after someone close to you dies, you need to assess the status of your relationship and decide how to improve the situation and keep moving forward.
Loving Someone with Anxiety Page 6
