Anxious partner: I don’t like it when I can’t reach you on your cell phone. I get nervous that something has happened to you.
What not to say: You need to get over it. I’ll call you back when I can.
Reflective statement: You get concerned if I don’t answer my phone when you call.
Anxious partner: It’s hard for me to sleep in the same bed as you. I have nightmares about what happened, and I don’t want to wake you up.
What not to say: I sleep like a rock. You won’t wake me up.
Reflective statement: So you’re worried that if we sleep in the same bed, your nightmares will wake me up too?
Tool 5: Clarify Implied Statements
Your partner may be too anxious to come right out and say what she means. There could be a lot of reasons for this: she may be worried about your response, concerned about hurting your feelings or making you angry, or embarrassed, to name a few. As a result, she may be indirect in her speech. This tool is the listening counterpart to the speaking tool of making specific requests. Clarifying what your partner means is crucial to communicating effectively and avoiding misunderstandings. Here are some examples of implied statements and how you might respond to them.
Anxious partner: You know what I mean. (Or You know what I’m trying to say.)
Clarifying response: Actually, I need some help figuring out what you mean.
Anxious partner: You should know how I feel about that.
Clarifying response: I’m actually a little unsure how you feel about that. Can you be more specific?
Anxious partner: It wasn’t that bad.
Clarifying response: What do you mean by ‘It wasn’t that bad’?
Anxious partner: It will be fine. Don’t worry about it.
Clarifying response: I am worried about things, and I want to help you. Can you help me understand your perspective better?
Tool 6: Acknowledge Your Partner’s Point of View
As with reflective listening, acknowledging your partner’s point of view involves speaking, but the purpose is to show that you’ve been listening. In challenging conversations, it can be difficult to see both sides of the story, especially if the issue has been building over time and you’re having strong feelings about what’s going on. Acknowledging that you’ve heard what your partner said and validating her words will go a long way toward achieving effective communication. Here are a few examples of how to use this skill:
Thanks for taking the time to explain [describe the situation]. Now I have a much better idea what’s happening for you.
I can understand why [describe the situation] makes you anxious! How can we work together to make it better?
Before you told me about [describe the situation], I had no idea it was causing you such anxiety. Now I can see things from your perspective.
Communication Traps to Avoid
There are as many ways to derail a conversation as there are skills to enhance communication. Often, it’s best to avoid having sensitive discussions altogether in certain situations. Here are some examples:
In public places
In the company of friends, family members, or coworkers
The minute your partner gets home from work
First thing in the morning, late at night, or in the middle of the night
When either of you is already upset
When outside distractions, such as kids, television, or phone calls, make it impossible to talk uninterrupted
Right before, during, or after sex
Just as one of you is going out the door
If Your Partner Gets Upset
A major reason to use the tools of speaking and listening in this chapter is to prevent the conversation from triggering your partner’s anxiety. However, this may not always be possible. Conversations go awry for everyone. Having a tough conversation with an anxious partner only ups the ante. If a conversation doesn’t go well, there could be myriad reasons why, and it may be that none of them have anything to do with you or your communication skills. The timing could have been off. Your partner may have had a bad day at the office or with the kids. Maybe there were interruptions, or maybe your partner was just tired and not in a good frame of mind for a discussion.
Here are a few tips on how to respond if your partner gets upset, with examples of each. Read through this list closely and keep these techniques in mind so you can use them when needed:
Don’t fight back.
I don’t want to argue with you about this, but I do want to hear what you have to say.
Let’s not fight about who’s right or wrong; let’s talk this out.
Maintain self-control.
I’m going to stay calm during this discussion because I think and communicate better that way.
I’m not going to lose my temper and say something I’ll regret later.
Let’s both take a minute to calm down, and then we can resume the conversation.
Listen, empathize, and acknowledge your partner’s feelings.
I absolutely hear you that you thought my behavior was insensitive, and now that you’ve explained your side of things, I understand why.
If I had been that anxious in that situation, I probably would have acted the same way.
Now that I know how terrified you were by that, I get why you said what you did.
Find a compromise.
So, now that we both know how we feel, let’s think about how we can do things better next time.
When you aren’t happy, I’m not happy, so how about we work together to figure out a solution?
If these techniques don’t work and, upon reflection, you feel you did the best you could, then leave it at that. Regroup and try to have the discussion later. If you can identify what went wrong, then commit to practicing the communication tools that might help the conversation go better next time. Give your partner time and space to calm down, and negotiate another time to continue the discussion.
Staying Optimistic
As long as you believe that you and your partner can work through the anxiety issues that have caused difficulty in your relationship, all of the tips and tools in this chapter will be helpful. If, on the other hand, you think that things won’t get better unless your partner changes, they are much less likely to help. It’s true that our attitudes and beliefs can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, so keep things positive. Even if the tools you try aren’t always effective, don’t give up all hope. Just because one discussion doesn’t go as planned, don’t stop trying, because then you’re truly unlikely to ever see any results.
These techniques take time and practice to master. You might be lucky and use them successfully the first time, but that’s rare. Even trained mental health professionals don’t get it right every time. What’s most important is that you keep trying, and that both you and your partner are committed to making changes to improve the relationship. Look at it this way: if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re likely to remain stuck in the same rut.
What’s Next?
This chapter offered a variety of tools for effective communication. These skills will strengthen any relationship, but they are especially important when one partner has anxiety, allowing both of you to keep your focus on the topic at hand rather than getting swept up in your partner’s anxious thoughts. These skills will also allow you to better understand your partner’s situation, opening the door to more effective responses when anxiety strikes—the topic of the next two chapters. Chapter 5 provides techniques that promote relaxation and a sense of calm; practicing them regularly will be helpful for both of you. It will also enhance your ability to implement the strategies you’ll learn in chapter 6, which are specific to different types of anxiety.
Chapter 5
Techniques for Reducing Anxiety and Promoting Relaxation
In this chapter, I provide exercises that are appropriate for any type of anxiety and that can help anyone, anxious or not, relax and reduce stress. Some of these technique
s can be used to relieve anxiety in the moment, whereas others are recommended as daily practices to reduce anxiety overall. In chapter 6, I’ll address how to respond to specific types of anxiety: acute, chronic, and as manifested in the six diagnosed anxiety disorders.
Hopefully, you and your partner will try all of the techniques in this chapter. That will give you more strategies to choose from when anxiety strikes, and will also allow you to learn what’s most effective for reducing your partner’s anxiety.
I highly recommend that you practice all of these techniques yourself. This will allow you to provide more effective support for your partner in using them. Plus, you’re undoubtedly familiar with how stressful it can be to live with a person who struggles with anxiety. There’s a very good chance that you can also benefit from these techniques. Finally, as you’ll learn in chapter 6, one key to responding effectively to your partner’s anxiety in the moment is to remain calm yourself. Practicing the techniques in this chapter can help you do that. For these reasons, when giving instructions for the exercises in this chapter, I generally use the word “you” to indicate the person doing the exercise, which may be you, your partner, or, hopefully, both of you.
Distraction with Pleasurable Activities
It probably won’t come as a surprise that distraction with pleasurable activities is a popular relaxation technique among the many clients I’ve worked with. While the strategy is simple, in difficult times it can be hard to remember the activities that you might find pleasurable. I recommend making one list of activities that you and your partner can engage in together when your partner needs a distraction, and another list of activities your partner can do on his own. Here are some examples to get you going:
Watching a funny movie or television show
Going for a walk, a run, or a bike ride
Cleaning house or washing the car
Doing a hobby, such as painting, drawing, sewing, quilting, or playing a musical instrument
Gardening or doing other outdoors work
Getting a massage
Cooking a new recipe
Working on a puzzle
Listening to music that lifts your mood
Reading
Playing a game
Practicing Mindfulness Together
Mindfulness practice has roots in Buddhist philosophy, but you and your partner need not subscribe to any kind of doctrine or philosophy to incorporate mindfulness into your life. In essence, mindfulness, which is a form of meditation, involves bringing awareness to the present moment and simply noticing what’s happening without judging, criticizing, or trying to change your internal experience.
Since much of what causes anxiety in your partner is the inability to control his thoughts, achieving a place of mindfulness can provide relief. Let’s look at how that works: In mindfulness practice, the focus is on the present moment, whereas when your partner feels anxious, his thoughts are likely to be about what’s going to happen in the future. As he consciously brings awareness to what’s happening in the moment, his anxious thoughts are less likely to intrude. When they do creep in, the solution is simply to refocus attention on the present.
Another benefit of mindfulness is the realization that thoughts are transient. People who are anxious often get caught in a loop in which the same worries repeat themselves over and over again. Practicing mindfulness stops the loop, and the thoughts often become less potent or even disappear as a result.
In this section I’ll describe mindful breathing and a mindful body scan. These are just two of the many mindfulness techniques you might practice. If you find mindfulness helpful and would like to try other techniques, you’ll find many good sources of information both online and in print (see Resources). You may be able to find a local class on mindfulness, which would be an excellent way to get acquainted with a variety of techniques and begin a regular practice.
Mindful Breathing
One of the most universal and basic mindfulness techniques is counting breaths. Everyone breathes and we do it all the time, so this focus for mindfulness is portable and convenient, requiring nothing more than tuning in to the breath. This technique is an effective way to learn to focus on the present moment and develop concentration. You may want to start with five minutes and work your way up to twenty to thirty minutes of uninterrupted mindful breathing. Decide how long you’ll practice, then consider setting a timer or alarm so you won’t be distracted by checking the time.
Sit in a comfortable, upright position with your feet flat on the floor and your hands resting on your lap, palms facing up or down. You can either close your eyes or keep them open, gazing softly at an object several feet away.
Focus on your breathing and try to feel whether it’s coming from your chest or your abdomen. Try to soften and relax the area where you feel your breath. Pay attention to the sensation of your breath moving in and out of your body.
Allow your breath to move naturally. Don’t try to control its pace or breathe more deeply. Your only job in this moment is to focus on your breath.
When your mind wanders (and it will—many, many times), just notice that this has happened and return your attention to your breath. Try not to make judgments about the fact that your mind wandered, how many times it has wandered, or what it has wandered to. A wandering mind is to be expected. Simply keep bringing your focus back to your breath, again and again.
When your time is complete, slowly open your eyes if they were closed and stretch your body. Notice any thoughts or feelings you may be having about your mindfulness practice. Recognize that some days will be more enjoyable than others.
Body Scan
While most people hold tension in various parts of the body, this is even more pronounced in people with anxiety. Performing a mindful body scan can help you reconnect with your body and relax by focusing attention on specific parts of the body in sequence and releasing any tension you notice. Allow yourself at least thirty minutes to practice this technique.
The body scan is best done while lying down. Before beginning the practice, spend two to three minutes lying comfortably on your back and focusing on breathing in and out from your abdomen. This will help you to turn your thoughts away from the stressors of the day and inward to your body sensations. It also gives you time to make sure you’re in a comfortable position. Once you feel that you’re present and ready for the exercise, you can begin.
Focus on the toes of your left foot. For about thirty seconds, simply notice whatever sensations are happening only in that part of your body. Don’t evaluate them, labeling them as “good,” “bad,” “uncomfortable,” and so on. Simply notice them for what they are. Take a breath and imagine the breath is in the toes of your left foot. Exhale and imagine your breath, and any tension, being released through the toes. Repeat twice more, noticing the physical sensations in the toes of your left foot, and inhaling, exhaling, and releasing tension through the toes.
Turn your focus to your entire left foot. Again, notice the sensations in your left foot for about thirty seconds without making judgments. Breathe in and out of your left foot three times, releasing any tension as you exhale.
Focus on your left lower leg in the same way: noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through your left lower leg three times and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Focus on your left thigh in the same way: noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through your left thigh three times and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Turn your focus to the toes of your right foot, noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through the toes of your right foot three times and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Work your way up through your right foot, lower leg, and thigh in the same way: noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through each part of the leg three times and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Proceed through your torso in the same way: buttocks, lower back, abdomen, ribs, chest, and upper back. For each a
rea, focus your attention in the same way: noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through that area of the body three times and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Turn your focus to the fingers of your left hand, noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling three times and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Focus on your left hand in the same way: noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through your left hand three times and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Focus on your left lower arm in the same way: noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through your left lower arm three times and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Focus on your left upper arm in the same way: noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through your left upper arm three times and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Focus on your left shoulder in the same way: noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through your left shoulder three times and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Turn your focus to the fingers of your right hand, noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through the fingers of your right hand three times and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Work your way up through your right hand, lower arm, upper arm, and shoulder in the same way: noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through each part of the arm three times and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Turn your focus to your neck, noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through your neck and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Turn your focus to your face—jaw, mouth, eyes, forehead—all of your face, noticing sensations, then inhaling and exhaling through your facial muscles and releasing any tension as you exhale.
Loving Someone with Anxiety Page 9
