I felt sorry for having said such mean things to her. She couldn't help it, but I couldn't help falling in love. I was nineteen! It was normal for a girl of nineteen to fall in love with someone. I couldn't spend the rest of my life inventing imaginary men and showing my sister what it was like to be made love to by them. I wanted to know what it was like now, at that very moment.
I wanted to be able to come home afterwards and tell my father: "Now I know what you've been missing all these years. Forgive me, father! Forgive me for all the vile things I've said and thought about you. I think I was simply disgusted with myself. But that's all over now I'm a woman, a real woman. I've been to bed with a man, and it was wonderful."
All I wanted was to live, to lead an entirely normal life with a man whom I loved and who loved me. With a father who was happy and contented in his old age.
He would never again have to tell stories about Buchholz in order to forget the little children he'd shot in Poland. If he'd been on his own there, lie would never have done it, I felt sure. And I wanted him to realize that lie was as little to blame for the holes in Magdalena's heart as I was. I wanted him to forget it.
He was only to think of the children I might some day put on his lap, so he could tell them old stories about the railway. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted him to stop regarding his children as his punishment - to stop wishing that he'd denied himself for once and bided his time, so Magdalena would never have been born.
She smiled at me. I was a bit woozy from the fizz, from my thoughts and emotions, and I felt so depressed, so wretched inside. "We", she'd said. That meant I was to drive back to the Aladdin and leave her alone with her own wretched thoughts and emotions.
"It wouldn't be right," I said. "Not on your birthday."
"That's just it," she retorted. "That's just why it would be right. You must help me to get dressed and. . ."
That was when I grasped what she meant. "You're crazy," I said. She'd scarcely been out of bed all week - she hadn't even come downstairs for meals. Three visits to the bathroom, that's all. I'd given her a bed-bath and held a bowl for her to clean her teeth. She couldn't stand up, even when I helped her. It was impossible.
She didn't see it that way, and she could be very stubborn when she wanted something.
"Don't make a fuss, Cora. If I tell you it'll work, it will. I'm fine, I've been resting all week. I've even put on a bit of weight, hadn't you noticed? Look at my legs. If I'm not careful, I'll get fat. I'm fine, really, I'm not just saying that. I wouldn't suggest it if I knew it was impossible." Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Or do you begrudge me an outing? The Aladdin is your personal preserve - you'd sooner I stayed in bed, is that it?"
"No, that's not true."
"But it looks like that. Or are you scared? You've no need to be, I know what I'm capable of" She laughed softly. "There's plenty of time, we've no need to rush. If your Johnny meant what he said, he'll wait - he'll still be there at midnight. Help me get dressed, dab a bit of rouge on my cheeks and paint my nails for me. We can do them last - they can dry on the way there."
"You can't leave the house," I said.
"Of course I can," she insisted. "I'll have to if we go to America; it's the same thing. You'll have to help me downstairs, that's all. In the car I'll be sitting down, and I can easily manage to walk the few yards from the car park. Once we're inside, I'll sit in a corner and watch you dancing with Johnny."
She must have noticed that the idea didn't appeal to me, because she added: "No, I won't watch you. It's your night. I'll sit with his friend. You said he had someone with him. What's he like? The friend, I mean?"
"Not bad," I lied. `An amusing type. He goes by the name of Tiger." I hadn't mentioned that tonight was the first time he'd picked up a girl, and I thought it better not to mention it now
"Sounds interesting." She grinned. "Does he have stripes and a long tail?"
We both laughed. "No idea," I said. "I've never seen him with his clothes off."
She was still laughing. "Maybe I can take a peek at him if you go off with Johnny." She looked up at me with her head on one side. "It'll be fantastic, you'll see. You'll have a great time, I know"
I still felt reluctant, but what she'd said about America was right. Besides, I thought it might act as a test run.
She wanted to wear my dark blue satin blouse and the white skirt with the scalloped hem. The skirt was almost transparent, so her legs showed through the lace. She really had put on weight. Her legs were slender, but not thin any more.
"I'll amuse myself till you get back," she told me while I was helping her to get dressed. "Have a good time, sweetheart. I will too. You've no idea how long I've been wanting to go to the disco. I never thought I'd manage it this year. What a birthday this is!"
She wanted dark red varnish for her nails, so you couldn't see how blue they were. In the car she asked me how much money we really had.
"Only thirty thousand," I said. "Not ninety. I'm sorry."
She shrugged. "Thirty thousand is a tidy sum, though. How did you manage it?"
This time it was my turn to shrug. "I saved it. I always bought the cheapest stuff"
She gave me a funny sidelong glance but said nothing. I was driving slowly and carefully. I was scared of having an accident because of all the champagne I'd drunk, and I was also worried about her. Terribly worried.
"Forget about me," she said. "This isn't the first time I've gone for a drive. Driving to the hospital is more tiring. It's much further too, but I've always survived so far." She was laughing again.
And then, when we got out in the car park, I really did forget my fears. It wasn't as full as usual, but my heart gave a leap when I saw that the silver Golf was still there. Covering the few yards to the entrance was no problem. I put my arm around Magdalena's waist and we took it very slowly. She came to a halt just outside. "Hang on," she said. "Let me savour this for a moment or two."
It was rather breezy, so I couldn't hear how fast she was breathing. "Too much for you?" I asked.
"Is it hell! Let go of me, or they'll think you're carting a tailor's dummy around."
I let go of her but remained poised to catch her if necessary. She took one step and then another, not even holding onto the wall. Then she turned to me and laughed. "You see? I feel absolutely fine."
When I saw the smile on Johnny's face, I felt absolutely fine too. He and Tiger were sitting at a table talking. There was no sign of the unknown girl. Johnny wasn't surprised by my reappearance.
I didn't care for the way he stared at Magdalena and smiled a different smile from the one he'd given me. He obviously fancied her - any man would have. She was a picture, thanks to my handiwork.
She was as aware of this as I was. `Just so there's no misunderstanding," she said, "I've only come to look at a wild animal. I'm told there's a tiger running around loose in here. Mind if I sit down?"
Tiger grinned from ear to ear. He nodded eagerly and made room for her. Magdalena held onto the table with both hands. "I'm rather unsteady on my pins," she said. "I've been lying in bed all day. Not a good idea, bad for the circulation."
She sat down beside Tiger, and I sat down besideJohnny. Having grasped that she was off-limits, he put his arm round my shoulders and gave me a squeeze. "So the lullaby didn't work," he said.
Magdalena heard this. "I'm a bit too old for lullabies," she said with a laugh.
I felt embarrassed - I'd forgotten I'd told him that. Johnny wanted to dance. The DJ was playing an old number by the Beach Boys. He took me in his arms and said: "You don't look alike in the least. Is she really your sister?"
"No," I told him. "My sister's asleep in bed. She really is quite ill. That's Magdalena; I bumped into her in the car park. She suggested pulling your leg a bit."
"I see," was all he said.
I don't know how long we danced. Only a minute or two, it seemed to me, but it must have been half an hour or more. When we returned to the table Magdalena complai
ned that the music was a drag. "Don't they have anything by Queen?"
"Queen be damned!" said Tiger. "Would you like to hear a really good group? Live?"
"Why, got one up your sleeve?"
"In a manner of speaking," said Tiger, "but only a third of it. I play keyboard." He indicated Johnny. "Bass guitar. We left the drummer behind. Frankie didn't feel like making a night of it, he never does. He's scared his parents will turn up unexpectedly."
Almost in the same breath, he said: "Hey, guys, how about giving him a surprise? This place is dullsville. Let's go and make our own party - let's drag Frankie away from his books."
Magdalena leaped at the idea. I didn't want to drive too far after all the champagne I'd drunk, but Johnny said they'd take us and bring us back afterwards.
Magdalena leaned on Tiger on the way out, not that it aroused comment. Being taller than him, she draped one arm around his shoulders-much to his satisfaction-as if she'd known him for years. The two of us got in the back with Johnny and Tiger in front.
I was terribly anxious on Magdalena's account. I felt it was wrong, what we were doing - wrong and far too risky - but it was also exciting because of Johnny. He kept turning around during the drive. He didn't say anything, just gazed at me as if we were alone together in a bedroom or somewhere.
I took no notice of our route, and I can't recall what the house looked like. I only know the two boys got out when the Golf pulled up. Each of them reached into the back and held out his hand. Johnny pulled me straight into his arms. Tiger helped Magdalena out.
He treated her very nicely and considerately. While they were sitting at the table on their own she'd told him she'd been in bed with gastritis. He said she was in safe hands with him. He was studying medicine, he said, and so was Frankie. Frankie was a grade-A student - he'd be bound to become a top consultant some day, like his old man. She told me that before she ... I think she told me in the car, but I don't remember.
They got to the front door first. I didn't notice whether Tiger had a key or had to ring the bell, but he and Magdalena were inside long before us. I had my eyes shut, and Johnny was propelling me backwards as he kissed me. "Mind the step," he murmured, picking me up. He didn't put me down until we were inside the hallway, that huge white hallway.
He pushed me up against the wall and kissed me some more, and over his shoulder I could see the picture with the stairs beside it. Tiger and Magdalena were already going down. She was managing the stairs by herself, just holding onto the rail with one hand. Damnation, I thought, she'll never make it. I shouldn't have let her go down them on her own. Why doesn't she get him to help her?
I think I know why. She must have seen Frankie as soon as she entered the house. Maybe he'd opened the door to them; and he was several cuts above the pink piglet.
She turned and called: "Coming, you two? You can carry on downstairs. I bet it's cosier down there." I could hear the sound of drums from below. AndJohnny said: "She's right, come on."
Magdalena was already sitting on the sofa when we entered the cellar, gazing fixedly at the corner where the musical instruments were. Frankie was seated behind the drums, but he was only toying with them. He couldn't take his eyes off Magdalena.
Tiger was standing at the bar, slicing a lemon. "First a slug of hooch," I heard him say. He looked over at Magdalena. "How about you?"
She shook her head. `Just a soft drink, if you have one. No hard stuff, it would only upset my stomach again."
Then they played for us, although more for Magdalena than for me. She was the star. I think they'd all have liked to go to bed with her, but she only had eyes for Frankie. She told me to dance, and I did.
Johnny was smiling at me the whole time. It was very hot down there. Magdalena looked wonderful in that flickering, multicoloured light. The dark blue blouse went well with her fair hair, and her slender legs shimmered beneath the almost transparent lace. Her skin was bluish beneath the make-up, but you couldn't see that. She looked as if she'd just come in out of the sun.
Then Frankie tossed his drumsticks away. He went over to the sofa and sat down beside her. Tiger returned to the bar and knocked back a couple more glasses. Johnny turned on the stereo rig - the tape was also one of theirs - and came over to me. We danced, and although the music was pretty wild, he held me in his arms and gradually undressed me.
I felt his hands on my back and his lips on my neck. Then we were lying on the floor together. It was lovely, but I couldn't enjoy it to the full because I simply couldn't concentrate on him. I kept looking sideways.
Frankie had draped one arm over the back of the sofa - and around Magdalena, or so it seemed. They were talking together, but the music was too loud for me to hear what they were saying. I only saw how they were looking at each other, she at him and he at her. Eventually he kissed her. Well, why not, I thought - it won't hurt her. Besides, he was being very gentle with her, I could see. And then he took off her blouse ...
He naturally noticed the scars. He ran his finger over them very lightly, very gently, and asked what they were. There was a short break in the music, so I heard every word. I also heard Magdalena's answer.
"MyJacob's Ladder," she said.
For a while I took no more notice of her or of Tiger, who was standing at the bar, presumably snorting his first line of coke. Then he strolled over and stood looking down at us. I didn't like that- I'd sooner have been alone with Johnny, but I didn't dare suggest it. I couldn't leave Magdalena alone with two strange men.
Tiger was holding a small mirror and a drinking straw Johnny sat up and snorted some of the stuff. Tiger turned to the sofa. "How about you, Frankie?" he called.
Frankie wasn't interested; he was kissing Magdalena.
Then Tiger kneeled down beside me and started stroking my breasts. I thought Johnny would tell him to get lost, but he didn't do a thing. "Stop that," I told him. "Keep your hands to yourself, I don't like it!" - or words to that effect.
Magdalena, who had heard me, called: "Don't be so stuffy, it doesn't mean anything." And, to Tiger: "Give her a shot, it'll relax her. She's a bit inhibited."
He held out the mirror, but I didn't want any of the stuff. "Don't be a spoilsport, sweetie," Magdalena called. "It's a crazy sensation, I've told you a hundred times. Take some. Relax and give yourself a treat."
I wanted nothing to do with what was on that confounded mirror; all I wanted was Johnny. He stuck a finger in my mouth and dipped it in the powder, then rubbed it on me down below.
"Wipe it off!" I pleaded.
`Just what I had in mind," he said and slid down me.
I felt him kissing me there. It was ... It was heaven.
Magdalena was taking no notice of me. Frankie didn't give her a chance to watch; he had pulled her half onto his lap and was kissing and caressing her. I'll never forget the look on her face. She was very happy, I think.
So was I. Tiger had stopped stroking my breasts. For a while he merely kneeled beside my head and watched. Then he opened his fly, but by that time I didn't care. It didn't disgust me - it wasn't much different from sucking one's thumb. I thought of Mother. What would she have thought if she could see me lying on the floor doing it with two men at once?
It was wrong - all wrong - but it was wonderful. I had fire in my belly, champagne in my head, cocaine in my blood, and Johnny everywhere.
At some stage I looked over at the sofa. I couldn't see much because Tiger's leg was blocking my view I could only see a broad, bare back. For a moment I didn't grasp its significance: Magdalena was no longer draped across Frankie's lap, she was stretched out beneath him. The blouse and the white skirt were trailing over the edge of the sofa.
It all happened so fast, but I seemed to see it in slow motion. Frankie was making love to her, slowly at first, then more and more fiercely. All at once, he stopped short and straightened up with a jerk, kneeled between her legs and thumped her chest with his fist. "Breathe!" he shouted.
Then he threw himself on top of
her, kissed her again, pinching her nostrils, straightened up once more and went on thumping her, this time with both fists at once. "Come on, breathe!" he shouted. "Breathe! Breathe! Breathe!" And he thumped her chest with both fists each time lie yelled the word.
Her head was jerking to and fro, her right leg dangling over the edge of the sofa, her left leg resting on the back. Then it too slid off.
There was another short break between two numbers. As he hit her again in that momentary silence I heard a cracking, splintering sound and knew it must be her ribs breaking. But I couldn't go to her - I couldn't do anything but think of the knife on the bar and where I would have to stab him to stop him killing her.
Johnny was now on top of me, pinning me to the floor beneath him, with Tiger holding my head in both hands. I couldn't even scream with his penis in my mouth. The music started again, and Frankie shouted above the din: "Help me! Help me! She's stopped breathing!" There was madness in his eyes.
Johnny had finally grasped that something was wrong. `Are you crazy?" he shouted back. "What are you doing, you idiot?" But he made no move to let me go, just stared in the direction of the sofa.
Frankie didn't reply. Like a man possessed, he went on pounding Magdalena's chest with both fists.
Tiger uttered a sudden yelp. "She bit me, the bitch!" I saw him reach for the ashtray on the table and raise it above his head. The tape was still playing "Tiger's Song". Then everything went dark and silent.
She wept quietly to herself on the drive back. Sometimes she shook her head, and the weeping intensified for a moment or two. Grovian left her in peace. Standing in front of that picture, she had spoken like someone in a trance, eyes shut, both hands clenched. She had seemed frozen, he thought involuntarily, and now she was gradually thawing out. He hoped she understood.
All his doubts were dispelled. Magdalena had wanted it that way. She knew she was done for. No possibility of another operation, her heart wouldn't have stood the strain. He wondered what would have happened had Cora refused her request - had she said it was out of the question. "No, we're staying at home!" Magdalena would probably have sought death in her arms - and found it. Cora would still have felt as guilty.
The Sinner Page 35
