by Paige Notaro
There was one other real thing that now came to mind: the feel of Rosa nestled in my arms. It had been just an hour ago, but I could just imagine the weight of her, that burning fire that seemed the source of her life.
Instead of holding that, my hands now possessed two dull objects. In one, the packet of bullet shards. In the other, Rosa’s card.
Lies and secrets were multiplying upon each other and I hated it. I couldn’t do anything about the bullet other than lose it.
But the card…that I might be able to fix.
I checked it.
Her address was printed on the back.
It would be right to give this back to her before it caused any small trouble. I could just slip it through her mailslot.
My mind grew peaceful just thinking about it. Not at the thought of helping her though.
But because it gave me one last chance to see her again.
CHAPTER FIVE
Rosa
I’d turned the living room into a mess. With the chandelier light so faint and far above and throw pillows lying everywhere it looked like a safe house from some zombie movie.
“You brought it to work today,” Elsa said behind me. “I saw you clip it on.”
“Well, it might have dropped off,” I said, shifting even more sofa cushions.
“I saw it when you went out the door this morning.”
“Maybe that was my library card,” I grunted at her. “Just come help me look.”
My little sister groaned like the world was ending, but she rolled up her sleeves and started shuffling through the other sofa at back.
She was all dressed up to head out to some church thing with my mother. Her hair hung down dark and sleek and her sandstone cheeks glowed with rouge. In her white blouse and navy skirt she looked achingly mature.
How was a sweet, churchgoing girl in summer school? She was an angel compared to what I’d been at her age. I briefly considered telling her to spend half the effort on her classes as she did on her look. Then, I realized how old that made me sound.
I checked under a vase on the end table, then threw my hands up. It had been a long shot, but I’d searched just about everywhere else. My bedroom was in a similar state as this one.
“Wait,” Elsa said. “How did you get through the day if you took the wrong card to work?”
“I don’t know, pepita. Just shut up and keep looking.”
Of course, she was right. This was insanity. I was almost a hundred percent certain I’d used my own card to get through a door or two today. Even with my hectic patient schedule, my memory wasn’t that bad.
I just wanted to make absolutely sure before dropping my tail feathers and admitting to security that I’d lost my card. Lilly would give me so much shit. I could only shiver thinking about the patronizing look Lem would have on.
Oh Rosa, he’d say. You really need someone to take care of you around here.
Like he was even half the man for the job. I still couldn’t believe the way he had grabbed me the other day. I’d always imagined him as long, high note of a man, just weak and easily broken.
No, there was a hardness to him to - the very worst type of it. He was used to getting things his way. Was he the type to get possessive after being rejected? How far would it go if I said nothing?
If only I had accepted Calix’s offer to keep him at bay
I had been with strong men before. Ok, I had only been with strong men. Any of them might have done what Calix did.
The thing that made him different was what he didn’t do. He hadn’t overdone it on Lem. He hadn’t tried to show off - if anything, he hid the move. He didn’t act like helping me meant I owed him.
He was responsible even when he didn’t have to be. He had been respectful and kept his distance. I had to beg him for even a hug.
And god what a hug it was. I’d never had one that felt even a fraction as safe.
God, just the thought made me want to stuff my head in a pillow. It was so cheesy. But the way he had tugged me in, just buried me in a wall of heat and strength. It had only been a moment, but I’d caught a glimpse of true security, of having no one to fear with him close.
Ok, nothing other than a misfired gun. I smiled to myself.
There was still something off about him that I couldn’t quite grasp. I had seen the darkness in men before: cruelty, greed and lust. He’d said some odd stuff, but the thing behind his eyes wasn’t hatred.
It almost looked like fear. Why on earth would he be scared of me?
If only he hadn’t run off. If only we had more time together, I could have learned who he was, found ways to help each other out, maybe even realize…
“Elsa!” Mamá’s scream shook me out of it.
She hobbled down the stairs, straightening as she landed in the lobby. How could that voice come out of a woman so small? It had kept growing with age even as she had gotten shorter and stockier.
“What are you doing?” she yelled past me to Elsa.
“Helping Rosa look for her stupid keycard.”
“Really?” I said. “My keycard is stupid now?”
“This whole thing is stupid.”
“Enough,” Mamá said. “No fighting before we go to see God. Now come on”
Elsa dropped a pillow and went over to the lobby where she got a quick makeover from my fussing mom. Mamá had on a dark gown and a shawl over her chestnut brown hair. The two looked so much alike, both much paler and much smaller than me.
My mom’s family was mixed. They had not been happy when she married my much darker father. In South America, they had strict rules about that sort of thing.
I’d been jealous of my sister’s skin, when she was till a baby and we were still in Caracas. But it stopped mattering as much once we became American. And after what happened to my dad, I started to love that I looked more like him.
“Rosa,” Mamá said, opening the door. “You are coming, yes?”
“Ah, I wanted to, but I need to deal with this.”
“You can deal with it after. God will help you if you pray to him.”
“You’re not headed to mass. Besides, I think this might be one of those ‘He helps those who help themselves’ situations.”
I wasn’t in the mood for mingling at some fundraiser with church folk. Church had saved me back in high school, but that had been the choir more than the religion. I never found the comfort there that my mother or even my sister did.
Prayer might let you accept the bad in life, but it wouldn’t shield you from it.
“Fine,” Mamá said. “You do as you please. God will find you wherever you are.”
“Ok. You two have a good time.”
I blew a kiss to Elsa as the two went out. She made a sour face, but she didn’t swat it away.
I surveyed the damage. It now looked like ground zero for a tornado. All I’d managed was to make my exterior resemble my interior.
I just wanted to call Lilly over and sit amidst the wreckage, watching some primetime drama. There was more than a chance she was busy with her trying to conceive thing though. I was not ready to interrupt that drama.
Well, I called it drama. Some people called it living life. I still could hardly believe she wanted a baby. We were still in our mid-twenties. Then again, she had a job and a guy. It was a next step.
If you believed in that sort of thing. Lily liked to call me cynical and say it was just a matter of finding the right man.
But the only image that brought up was Calix. It was the sort of silly thing little girls think. If I knew him better, he might have turned out to be just the same as the rest.
A dark veil fell on my mood. I started undoing my chaos. Tomorrow, I’d have to go in and get tongue lashed by my boss, endure Lem’s slithery condescension and not even have a cute patient for my rounds.
At least I’d still have my job. I could be one of those people who married that instead of settling down.
I had just dropped onto the remade sofa, wh
en someone knocked on the door.
I groaned and went to get it. Elsa or Mamá must have forgotten something. It seemed like that sort of day for our household.
I pulled it open and staggered back at the vision that filled the gap. The night was rich and blue and the houses across the street glowed with life. They might as well have been distant islands compared to the man standing before me.
“Calix?” I said.
The faintest smile broke his hard face.
“Good,” he said. “You’re home.”
He’d switched into another army t-shirt and dark jeans, though a thin stubble still traced his face. His body seemed to blend into the air around him.
“Good thing,” I said, barely able to do more than mirror him.
The porch wind-chimes tinkled. The breeze brought his scent over me: pine and earth - something deep green on the shelves. There was also a trace of something richer, something authentically him.
I could drown happily in a cloud of that.
“You aren’t wondering why I am here?” he asked.
“I- yes. Why?” My brain cleared. “Wait, how do you know my address?”
“You left it with me.”
I rattled my head. This was just cryptic now. But my thoughts went into fifth gear and everything whirred into place. “My address is on my hospital ID. You have my ID?”
He dangled it across the doorway. I took it like he was handing me a million dollar check. “Why do you have this?”
“You gave it to me,” he said. “Your hug left a bigger mark than you intended.”
I remembered his hands reaching out for me. His heat seemed to pulse the air between us now with just the memory of it. My legs felt like they might crumble and drop me into his arms.
I forced my mind out of his spell. “I don’t understand,” I said. “You’re saying I left my card with you?”
“The string tangled around me. I didn’t realize till I was on my way home.”
That had never happened. The clip on that thing was tight. I should have noticed if it came off. But I could have missed an atom bomb wrapped in Calix’s arms.
I realized that Calix’s crystal gaze was on my lips. My heart started to set off in a chain reaction of its own. Maybe I hadn’t been the only one lost in our embrace.
“I wanted to make sure you got it.” He looked at me. “I hope there was no trouble.”
“No, nothing yet. Thank you.”
He nodded, but didn’t move. His gaze ran up and down my body boldly. I would have never allowed this with another patient, but now I didn’t want to budge an inch. His lips shifted, but not with words so much as something voiceless. Something like hunger.
A strong gust ran past. The chimes rang like church bells.
Calix blinked and turned to the street. “It’s late. I should go.”
“No!”
He glanced down. I’d grabbed his arm without thinking. My hands together couldn’t dare to eclipse that thick bulge of muscle, but he didn’t move.
“No?” he said. “What should I do?”
The words came easily to my lips. “Whatever you want.”
His eyes sparked. “What?”
My face flushed warm. “Uh, I mean, you should come in. Let me thank you for helping me.”
That still sounded dirty. But the heat of embarrassment quickly dissolved into something warmer deep within. I had said exactly what I meant.
Calix took a last glance at the street. I wondered again just what he was afraid of.
“Alright,” he said. “But I should get back soon. I need to rest.”
“Sure, sure.” I led him in and shut the door. “How is the leg? It doesn’t hurt, right?”
“I can’t feel anything with these painkillers.”
“So you’re drugged now?” I said, chuckling. “No wonder you came over.”
“No, of course not.”
“I’m messing. I’m glad you’re here. Maybe you shouldn’t be standing though.”
I set him on the sofa. I had no idea of where or how far I wanted this to lead. God, he’d been my patient. He was still hurt. This had to violate some nursing code.
But my head just squealed over and over with one thought: He came back for me!
On top of it, he had come back to help me. Maybe he had taken the card as an excuse even…
No, that was the school girl talking. I didn’t want to force him to something he wasn’t ready for. I was happy if we just sat and talked.
I started to ask if he wanted a soda or something, when I noticed a mask had fallen over his face.
“What?” I asked.
“These painkillers,” he said, starting at the silent TV. “Do they change who you are?”
“Wow, that’s philosophical.”
He gave me a stern look, then snapped away. “I mean, do they change the things you want?”
“You might want more sleep.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
He chanced another look, but this one fell much lower on my body. The fire in me came roaring back.
I sat next to him, our knees nearly knocking.
“What exactly do you want?” I asked.
He stared nakedly at my legs. I was still wearing my jeans, but he was seeing right through them.
“Things I’ve never wanted before,” he said harshly.
“A craving for new foods?” I asked.
“If you want to be philosophical.”
I laughed a full throaty laugh and set my head on his shoulder. “Unfortunately, I’m not that great a cook.”
His hand landed on my thigh. I bit back a sigh as his fingers squeezed my flesh, up and down. “You already have the right ingredients,” he said.
“They just need to be stirred up right, maybe.” I edged into his ear. “You can try if you want. No one’s home to complain.”
His body rumbled. Something stiff and powerful came alive within him. He turned to me and our foreheads were on each other.
“I want to try you,” he said.
“Go on and-“
His lips pressed mine, devouring anything else I had. He kissed me back into the sofa with a hot ravenous intensity. That hunger held down my tongue, consumed my lips and rang in my ears.
It sounded so hot.
His attention moved down my face. His teeth nipped my neck and I yelped out, but that’s just what he wanted, cause he covered my mouth like he were trying to save me from the pain he had caused. He was my hunter and my protector, both.
I had never felt so alive
I wanted to fight back. I wanted to show that he wasn’t the only one who’d been holding this all back. But he was too strong. I could only whimper and receive.
He descended on my neck again with such force. Shivers raced down my back, and I fell back. Suddenly, his arms were around me, lifting me. I landed on his lap, tight in his embrace.
I’d fantasized about this over and over, but it was nothing like what he’d given me in the hospital. I wasn’t just safe in his arms; I was his toy.
His head squeezed down into my breasts, hot breath pulsing through my shirt. I cried out, but he just held me tighter and made me endure him.
The more pleasure I got, the more he gave. It was a hot sweaty sweetness.
Calix lifted my shirt off. Before my head came clear, my bra was tumbling down my arms. His mouth sank onto my breasts.
I squealed as his tongue dissolved me. He bore down with a ferocious hunger. I gripped his hard cheeks and panted, watching him savor me. Every lap of his breath, every swirl of his tongue, every nip of his teeth sent me singing above and aching for him deep within.
His hands shoved down my back, squeezing firm mounds of my butt like it was a new thing to him. A hardness was pressing out of his lap. Even contained, it dug into the twin lines of denim that held me from.
“Oh god,” I said. “I can feel you ready.”
He kissed my face over and over. “I’ve been ready all along,�
�� he said. “I want to try every bit of you.
All of a sudden, he yanked up my legs. I shrieked and tumbled back in his lap. I was just a rag doll in his grip.
My legs landed on his shoulders and he rolled down my pants, kissing his way down the skin. Each touch was a hot wet surprise.
When he couldn’t pull my jeans down anymore, he tore them off. He kissed lower, inching my legs higher, dropping me further. My head rattled, and all I could feel was his mouth nearing my panties, the heat of him finding my center. Then, it was there.
He pulled the fabric aside and covered my entrance with his tongue. I scrabbled uselessly at the floor. My heart pounded in my ears. My world contracted to the furrow of his tongue as it came over and over, to the content sounds of him enjoying his meal.
“Oh Jesus,” I said. I was getting my praying in after all.
“I’ve never tasted anything better,” he said from above. “Give me more.”
His words rumbled into me and I wanted to. A vast gape opened before his mouth, a vast ache burning a hole inside of me.
“Don’t finish me here,” I said. “Don’t finish me until you fuck me.”
He stopped and flipped me up. We sat eye to eye, nose to nose.
“What did you say?”
He was still completely clothed, but his hardness nearly tunneled out of him.
“Fuck me,” I said. “Fuck me, Calix.”
He held me up and rushed down his pants. Suddenly it was right there, hard and spongy and wet, digging right between me.
I lifted myself and it popped up. He pressed me onto it.
“Ungh,” I groaned as the thing tore through me. It shoved its way up my body, turning on all the lights. I was being impaled and could think of nothing better. He ploughed deeper into me than I knew I even had.
“Holy shit,” he gasped in my ears.
There’s nothing better than feeling a strong man lose control inside you.
He grabbed my hips and lifted me on and off him. I wrapped tight around him and whimpered in his ear.
The house lay completely still but we fucked quietly. The feeling was transcendental, beyond anything our voices could describe.
