Hiding In His Dreams

by Jason W. Chan

  “Pass the pan,” she said.

  He handed a pan to her.

  He could not help but feel like they were two newlyweds making dinner together for the first time, moving in a synchronous rhythm. Was this what marriage was going to be like?

  She noticed him staring at her. “Yes?”

  “Nothing,” he said. Maybe living with another person wouldn’t be all that bad. He had been by himself for so long, but now, it was time to move on.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” she said. “We’re like this couple now. This married couple who cooks dinner together. This is our first taste of what living together would be like.”

  It was uncanny how accurately she had read his mind.

  She stopped chopping, her knife held in mid-air. “Does it scare you?”

  He shook his head. “Nope, not at all.”

  “Really?” She leaned in closer, examining him like the first time they met.

  Luke looked at the sharp knife, then looked away.

  “Yes,” he replied, even adding a smile for a calming effect.

  “So we’re moving forward then? I want to, but it doesn‘t seem like you want to.”

  “I do,” he protested.

  “Then why aren’t you more excited?” She put the veggies into a pan with some olive oil. Then, she drizzled them with teriyaki sauce.

  “I am. I just don’t show it as much as some people.”

  “I suppose that’s true,” she said, her expression blank.

  The food in the pan began to sizzle, so she turned her attention to it.

  Nothing further about the subject was said.

  When the food was ready, they sat at the dinner table and ate in silence. Alyssa played with the pieces of chicken, stacking them up, one on top of another. Luke wolfed down his dinner, starting with the bite-sized pieces of chicken.

  “You did a good job with the chicken there,” Luke said. “Really tender.”

  “Uh huh,” she said, not looking from her plate.

  “It’s delicious, Lissie,” he said. Maybe if I used her pet name for her, she would warm up again, he thought.

  “Yep,” she said, still staring at her food.

  He stared at her. Alyssa had removed the rubber band on her ponytail, so that her hair hung by the sides of her head. He could not see her eyes, but he was not sure he wanted to.

  This was the girl of my dreams, he thought. I had always wanted a girl like her. Caring, nurturing, gentle. Beautiful to boot.

  He wanted to say something to cheer her up. What should he say? He racked his brain, but came up empty.

  He started to say something anyway, but then stopped.

  She looked up in anticipation, but disappointment took over instead.

  Finally, he thought of something. “You want to take a walk after dinner?”

  “OK,” she said, her face lighting up a little.

  * * * * *

  After dinner, they went out to their backyard, which was the beach. It was not a festive summer beach where people would play volleyball and suntan. It was more of a contemplative winter beach, a place where you would sit down and reflect.

  The night was breezy and fresh. It took a while for Luke’s eyes to adjust. When they did not, he panicked, then realized it was pitch dark. He gazed ahead and saw the vast expanse of the ocean, a dark blob. If it weren’t for the stars glittering in the sky, the ocean would have blended right into the heavens.

  A chilly breeze worked its way to the couple.

  She shivered, and he tried to take her hand, but she surged ahead before he could.

  He finally caught up to her, standing with her arms crossed, just inches from the incoming tide.

  “Are you mad at me?” he asked.

  She turned to him. From what he could see in the dark, she did not look angry.

  She sighed. “No. Sometimes, I wish you could tell me what’s on your mind.”

  “I want to.” He took her hand. It was cold, clammy. “But it’s hard for me. I wasn’t brought up that way. My dad always said men don‘t express their feelings. Once I said I told him I was sad. And you know what he said? He said, ‘You got feelings? What are you, a girl?’”

  “That’s got to be rough.”

  “He passed away years ago, but I still can’t get that out of my head.”

  She held his hand tighter. “Hey, you’re with me now. You can tell me anything and I won’t judge you. I won’t call you a girl either.”

  He laughed.

  She brought his hand to her cheek and he stared at her. I might just have won the lottery, he thought.

  They spent a while gazing out at the sea, watching the waves roll in and out, in and out.

  * * * * *

  Later that night, they were lying in bed. Alyssa had her head on his chest and Luke had his arms wrapped around her. He amazed at how well their bodies fit together.

  They breathed in unison, their chests rising up and down together. Strands of her soft hair landed on his face, tickling it.

  “You know,“ she said. “We’re really lucky. Not a lot of people get this.”

  Yes, he thought. She’s right.

  “Tell me a secret, Luke. I want to know things about you. You don’t talk about yourself much.” She pulled a blanket around them.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “You mentioned a girl called Nina. What was she like?”

  “Oh, I’m sure you don’t want to hear about that.”

  “Yes, I do. Tell me. I won‘t judge.”

  Luke held her closer, feeling the soft rhythm of her heartbeat. “Just this girl I was with. She wanted to be together all the time, wouldn’t let me see my friends, complained I was working too hard. I felt like I couldn‘t breathe.”

  “Sounds unhealthy, but it doesn’t have to be that way,” she whispered. “It could be really good.” She reached out one hand, then trailed the side of his cheek with her fingers.

  “I’m so happy right now,” he whispered.

  She smiled. “Me too.”

  “I could stay here with you forever.”

  For a moment, there was silence, nothing but the crash of the waves outside.

  Then, he said, “I wish the waves would stop making that noise.”

  “Noise?” She propped head up with one arm. “It’s not noise. It’s music. It’s beautiful. You need to stop and smell the roses more. That‘s what I was telling you on the ferry.”

  “What do you mean?” He looked at her blankly. His mind was now elsewhere. It was on work and the current project. Will I get the deal done on time? He wondered. Or will I mess up and get fired?

  Alyssa noticed his absent-minded expression, but did not mention it.

  “It’s nature’s music. It’s the sound that lets you know everything’s OK. Listen again.”

  He did. “I still hear noise.”

  She did not roll her eyes, or laugh at him. Instead, she said, “Just imagine it’s singing to you, singing a lullaby.”

  So he tried it, clearing his mind and banishing all other thoughts. The sound of the waves was hypnotic, a never-ending cycle.

  At that moment, his fears and doubts vanished, carried out to sea. He fell asleep to the gentle sound of the waves murmuring to one another, and to the feeling of Alyssa’s soft fingers caressing his face.

  * * * * *

  Chapter 4

  The following Spring…

  Luke stared at his boss Stew.

  That day, Stew’s Santa Claus demeanor had disappeared. “Are you OK, Luke? You haven’t said anything for a while.”

  “But why? I handled that Bank of British Columbia deal successfully.”

  “You did,” his boss admitted. “But you overlooked something that cost your client a couple million dollars. Chump change to them, of course, but it’s the principle of it. They expected you to deliver your best service to them and you failed. It tarnishes the reputation of our firm.”

  His boss put a hand on his shou
lder. “We gave Steve the Junior Manager position because we just felt that Steve handled his deal with Tomer’s Inc. better. His deal went off without a hitch.”

  Stew stroked his white beard. “You’re lucky you’re not fired. In the cutthroat world of investment banking, you get only one life. If something is distracting you, I would advise you to deal with it before coming to work.”

  Stew started to turn around, then stopped. “Oh, one more thing. We expect your new assignment to be your best work. If it’s not, I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go.”

  His boss left Luke’s office, leaving him to his thoughts. Luke never made mistakes. Ever.

  Nothing was new in his life except Alyssa, but that was eight months ago. Could she be the one distracting him? Nah, he thought. That can’t be it. She’s everything that I have ever wanted.

  He decided to focus entirely on work, pushing thoughts out of his mind.

  For the next few hours, he poured over contracts, websites, and agreements. During this time, he took a brief break, glancing out the window at the sunny atmosphere. He could see Burrard Inlet and joggers, bikers, lovers all strolling on the boardwalk. It was so leisurely. He wondered how they found the time to do that.

  He worked until the sun was gone, leaving only blackness in its place.

  A familiar voice brought him out of his concentration. “Luke. You’re still at work? You didn’t call.”

  He turned around and saw Alyssa standing there with a food container in her hand.

  He smiled at the sight of her. “Hi. Sorry. I have to do this next deal perfectly, or else I’ll be fired.”

  “I brought you some dinner. Your favorite. Lasagna.”

  She opened the lid and the smell of freshly baked of pasta smothered in tomato sauce filled the air. She made it her own way, with alternating layers of ground chicken and sautéed vegetables.

  She put the container on his desk and he took a bite.

  “Delicious,” he announced. “I know you worked the day shift at the hospital today. You didn’t have to make me dinner.”

  “I wanted to.“ Then, she looked at him expectedly.

  He glanced at the clock. “I know it’s 10 pm. But I‘ll be home just as soon as I‘m done the research here.”

  She crossed her arms. “Why do you have to work so hard?”

  “Because I’ll be fired if I don’t.”

  “But why is that so important to you? You‘ve been at the office late every night. I would accuse you of having an affair, but I know you‘re a workaholic.”

  “Because a man’s gotta work.”

  “But what about us?” She held her hands out.

  He sighed. “Come here,” he said, patting his lap.

  She came over and sat on his lap sideways.

  “My father was the one who pushed me to succeed, but not by leading by example,” he began. “He was a loser, an alcoholic. He couldn’t hold a job, and spent everything on booze. We lost everything. My mother and I had to go live with relatives. I‘ll never forget the looks they gave us. Looks filled with contempt. That day, I swore I would never be him. I swore I would work my ass off to have a good life.”

  She listened with rapt attention, rubbing his arm to signal understanding.

  Looking her in the eyes, he continued, “I have to get this one perfect. Another other guy got the Junior Manager position.”

  She put a hand to her chest, then kissed his cheek.

  For a minute, she just rested herself on him. He closed his eyes, and breathed in her scent. Vanilla again. It was times like these that made him forget about anything else in the world, especially his career. It was just him and her, nothing else.

  Then, she got up. “Just come home when you’re done.”

  She left, and Luke turned to his dinner, expecting it to be cold. He touched the warm container and, smiling, realized that she had put the lasagna in a thermos.

  * * * * *

  He finally got home at midnight. When he entered his living room, he took a minute to admire the decorated room. It was such a contrast to how he had it before she moved in. Paintings of oak trees, starry nights, lush hills, bubbling springs were hung on a backdrop of ornate wallpaper. The most numerous though, were paintings of cherry blossoms. White, pink, red, orange – they came in all colors in the eyes of the artist.

  Luke entered their bedroom and saw Alyssa in her nightgown, bent over the desk in their room.

  Startled, she looked up at him, then smiled.

  “You’re home. Look what I drew you!”

  She held up the picture that she had drawn. It was of a single white cherry blossom. Their flower.

  She went over and gave him a peck on the cheek.

  Without a word, Luke reached into his briefcase, pulling out chocolates. “I’m sorry I’ve been so busy lately.”

  He gave her the presents. “That’s not all.” He took out a new set of paints.

  She held a hand to her mouth and gasped.

  He said, “I know you love your drawing.”

  She hugged him, and he held onto her, relishing the feel of her body pressed into his.

  “Let’s just lie down on the bed and close our eyes.”

  He led her to their bed, taking off his restricting business suit.

  “Mkay.”

  “I love your mkay.”

  They fell onto the bed together.

  “I almost forgot.” He reached into his briefcase on the nightstand, and pulled out a cherry blossom.

  “Our flower,” she said.

  “Our flower,” he echoed.

  She held it to her heart.

  A comfortable silence surrounded them, the peaceful silence after the end of a long day of working and making dinner.

  “Luke?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I read somewhere that if you can have a comfortable silence with someone, it means you’re close to him.”

  “Then I guess we must be really close then.”

  Luke felt the coolness of the sheets against his body as he sank further into the bed. It was good to take a break.

  A warm Spring draft came in from the open balcony, brushing against his cheek. For a while, they focused on their breathing.

  Alyssa was the first to speak. “A family of three came into the ER today. Only one of them came in alive. A little boy. He had so many broken bones he might not even walk again. I stood there, and didn’t know how to tell him about his parents.”

  Luke turned around to look at her, who looked like she was trying not to cry.

  “An ER doctor finally broke the news to him after an hour,” she continued. “He didn’t cry. He just lay there in his hospital bed and looked at me with a blank expression on his face. There was total silence. Then he said a single word. Why. And then he slipped into a coma.”

  Luke pulled her closer to him.

  “I didn’t know what to tell him. So I just held him.” She looked at Luke. “I wanted to adopt Drew right there and then.”

  He stroked her hair, pushing it back. Then, he kissed her on the forehead.

  She leaned in closer. “This kid’s special. Can you promise me something?”

  He nodded.

  “If I’m not around, can you make sure Drew’s OK?”

  He looked at her curiously. “What do you mean if you’re not around?”

  “I meant that if I can’t take care of him for some reason, will you?”

  He nodded, still puzzled. “Yes. Of course I will.”

  She started to talk again, but her words slurred into each other, and she stopped. He took a look at her, his eyes barely staying open.

  Alyssa was already out cold.

  Luke closed his eyes, but found he could not sleep. He got off the bed softly, careful not to wake his girlfriend.

  He opened the sliding door of the balcony and stepped out into the open air. The pleasantly cold air massaged his skin at once. He stared down at the steady city lights, the blinking traffic lights, and
the massive sprawl of the suburbs below.

  I was passed over today, he thought. I wasn’t good enough. They gave the job to Mike, who now has everything.

  He felt so useless, like a total failure. When would he get promoted then? Never?

  He sat down on the hard floor, and wrapped his arms around his legs. He then put his head in his lap, and closed his eyes.

  He felt old feelings of incompetence come back to haunt him. Old, buried feelings from being fired as a restaurant dishwasher when he was 16. His boss at the time said the dishes just were not clean enough. Luke had even requested to work an extra shift just to prove he can do it, but the boss wanted him out right away.

  Lightly, he rocked back and forth, trying desperately to get rid of those old feelings. They made him feel so small.

  Just then, a gentle voice made Luke look up.

  “Luke? What are you doing out here?”

  Alyssa slid the door all the way open, and joined him on the balcony in her silk nightgown. She sat down next to him, and put a hand to his head, stroking his hair.

  “Is this about being passed over?” she asked.

  Luke nodded, his face serious.

  “Don’t worry about it,” Alyssa assured. “You’ll be promoted sometime soon. You already work so hard. How can they afford not to promote you?”

  He said nothing, and reached for her hand.

  She let him hold it. “I don’t think any less of you.”

  He put her hand to his cheek, reveling in the warmth of it. The feelings of failure were starting to vanish.

  For a while, they looked out into the quiet spring night. They saw scattered city lights amid a backdrop of blackness. They heard a car door slam, then an engine start up.

  “You’re right,” he said. “I’ll just work harder.”

  “Let’s go to bed.”

  She led him by the hand to the bed, and they both collapsed into it.

  When he closed his eyes again, he found sleep to be close by.

  The last thought he had was how selfish he had been. Alyssa had had such a traumatic day and all he could talk about was how he had been passed over for a promotion. All he could think and talk about was himself today. Shame invaded him as he fell asleep to her breathing steadily beside him.