Hiding In His Dreams

by Jason W. Chan

  * * * * *

  That night, he lay in bed, but could not close his eyes.

  He got up and turned on the lights, desperate to have the cherry blossom in his hands. He opened every drawer in the room, but it was not there. Where had he put it?

  Giving up, he went back to bed.

  He turned on his side and looked at Alyssa’s side of the bed. He put his nose on her pillow and inhaled. It was her unique smell, a mix of peach, vanilla and something that was just…her. It was her Alyssaness.

  In the kitchen, the faucet began to cry.

  Drip. Drip. Drip.

  It made him aware of how big and empty his apartment was.

  A few weeks earlier, he had had Alyssa and twin babies. Now, he had neither.

  Take some Tylenol, he had said.

  It was the last thing I said to her, he thought. Why wasn’t it ‘I love you’ instead? And why didn’t I walk her to the house to make sure she was OK? Why didn’t I insist that I keep her company? Why didn’t I insist that she go see a doctor?

  The questions zipped through his mind, overloading it, making it shut down like an overworked computer.

  The exhaustion made him fall asleep.

  * * * * *

  That night, he dreamt that he was in a vast cornfield in the evening. The stalks towered high above him, swaying in the wind. When he looked up, he realized that the sky was a sooty black, and had no stars.

  He took a step forward, and looked into the cornfield. In the middle, a figure with long flowing brown hair waved to him, then beckoned to him. There was something about the figure that was familiar and attractive. He was drawn to her.

  He took another step forward, then another. He broke into a sprint, dashing through the cornstalks. The wind picked up, battering his face and giving off an ear-splitting whistle.

  The figure in the middle glanced around frantically, the wind whipping her hair.

  Before Luke could take a good look at her, the wild breeze scooped her up, and sent her soaring through the air.

  Luke looked around himself. The cornstalks closed in on him, threatening to swallow him up. He panicked, and screamed bloody murder.

  * * * * *

  When Luke woke up in the morning, he felt like he had lain in bed awake for hours. He got up to get ready for work. His eyes felt heavy and he was groggy. He looked out the window. The day was overcast. The clouds had invaded the whole sky.

  Luke vaguely recalled his dream. He was in some sort of maze, and Alyssa was there. He did not remember what happened exactly, but he remembered the feeling of it. A feeling of frustration. He wanted to get something, but he could not get to it.

  He got up. The first thing Luke did was go into the living room and remove the three portraits of cherry blossoms that Alyssa had left behind. He put them in his closet, then closed the door.

  * * * * *

  When he arrived at work, he immediately began pouring over all the documents that were awaiting his consultation.

  Sabban Entertainment, a record label, wanted to acquire several independents labels. If he successfully brokered this deal, he would surely make Full Manager.

  As he perused through the files, the word ‘bodies’ caught his eye.

  Sabban Entertainment would like to acquire several independent bodies and would like to consult with your company to determine the best possible course of action….

  Body, he thought. Alyssa’s body was still in the hospital. Her mother had asked him to go take a look.

  For what? He thought. I already know what Alyssa looks like.

  Her mother had mentioned that she would be holding a service for Alyssa next week. Did he want to go to that?

  She’s already dead, he thought. A service would not bring her back.

  At lunch, he purchased a slice of lasagna at the café down in the lobby of the building. It was ground chicken with alternating layers of sautéed vegetables. His favorite food. And exactly the same kind that Alyssa used to make for him.

  Luke cut the slice into bite-size pieces, then stuffed them into his mouth. He put more and more in, until his mouth could hold no more.

  Each bite brings me closer to Alyssa, he thought. Maybe if I ate enough, I could bring her back.

  He felt his stomach expand, like a balloon filled to the brim. He ate until he thought his stomach would explode, but he kept right on stuffing himself anyway. Some of the food would not go into his full mouth, so they fell like a cascade onto his plate.

  Finally, the tears came, all at once, drowning him in a flashflood.

  He saw the server gawk at him, but he could not stop.

  * * * * *

  After lunch, Luke returned to his office, desperate to concentrate on his documents.

  There was a knock on the door, and Mike stuck his face in.

  “Hey Luke. Haven’t talked in a while. What are you up to?” Mike sauntered in without being invited.

  Luke tried to wipe away his tears, but it was too late.

  Mike’s normally cheerful face grew concerned. “Hey, sorry man. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  Luke debated whether to tell his friend to beat it, but decided not to. After all, he could use a friend.

  “No, it’s fine,” he said, his voice cracking, He cleared his throat.

  “Is something wrong?”

  “No, nothing.”

  Mike put a hand on Luke’s shoulder. “Hey, you can tell me.”

  Luke opened his mouth but could not say it. Saying it would confirm reality.

  “Is it Alyssa?” Mike asked. “Is she OK?”

  “Yeah, she’s fine.”

  Mike gave him an unconvinced look.

  Luke knew he could not lie to Mike anymore.

  He shook his head, and was surprised no tears appeared in his eyes. “Alyssa hit her head on the pavement. There was a hemorrhage. She passed away yesterday.”

  “Oh my god. I’m so sorry,” Mike said. He put his hand to his mouth, his eyes widening.

  For a while, they stood there in silence, Mike’s hand still awkwardly placed on Luke’s shoulder.

  “I don’t really know what to say,” Mike said. “Except that my mother passed away from a stroke a couple months ago. I know it’s not the same, but you know what helped me cope? I asked myself why I loved her, and that made me feel better.”

  Luke thought about it. Why did he love Alyssa?

  He knew exactly why.

  “Why do I love her?” Luke began. “Imagine if all your senses were gone, except for audition. Close your eyes, right now.”

  Mike and Luke both did.

  “You can’t see, smell, taste, hell, you can’t even touch,” Luke continued. “All you could do is listen. Every day, all you hear is boring white noise. Noisy chatter in restaurants. Rumble of traffic. Drilling at construction sites.”

  Outside, they heard the persistent drone of the traffic and a construction drill whirring.

  “Then, one day,” Luke continued, “You’re listening to the waves of the ocean. They sound like the most beautiful ballad in the world, sung by one of those great female singers, like Celine Dion.”

  Luke opened his eyes. Mike still had his closed.

  “Alyssa was the beautiful power ballad in my life. And she taught me to appreciate ballads.”

  Mike finally opened his eyes. “That was…pretty amazing. Listen, if you want to talk, I’m here for you.”

  Luke’s answer to Mike’s question surprised even himself. He did not realize he was that poetic, or that he was capable of such an answer in his daze. Maybe it had always been there in his mind, waiting for him to express it.

  Mike turned around and was about to leave when he turned back. “I hope that helped you,” he added.

  It did not, Luke thought. It really did not.

  * * * * *

  Luke stood in the hallway of the 15th floor of the office building, waiting for the elevator. When the elevator did open, he did not notice it, but stood there, staring into s
pace.

  The doors of the elevator closed, but not before he caught a glimpse of someone who looked eerily like Alyssa. Same long brown hair with light brown streaks. Same height. Same facial features.

  He pounded on the Call Car button, but it was too late.

  He had to find her before she disappeared.

  Luke decided to take the stairs. He raced down all fifteen flights and arrived on the ground floor, huffing and puffing. He surveyed the lobby, but apart from an old security guard, no one was there.

  He sprinted through the lobby, and pushed open the door. A cold draft engulfed him right away.

  He glanced left, then right.

  On his right was a woman with long brown hair strolling down the street.

  It was her. He was sure it was the woman he had seen in the elevator.

  Luke raced toward the woman. He was so close. He could almost reach out and feel her.

  When he finally caught up to the woman, he tapped her lightly on the shoulders.

  “Alyssa,” he said, still huffing. “Wait up, Alyssa.”

  The woman stopped, and Luke felt his excitement rising. Alyssa can’t be dead, he thought. I just saw her the day before yesterday. This must all be some sick joke or a dream.

  The woman turned around, looking at him expectedly.

  It was the woman he had seen in the elevator. But it was not Alyssa. Luke had never seen this woman before.

  The lady leaned forward. “Yes?”

  Luke stood there, unable to think of what to say. The woman waited a while, then frowned, turned around and walked away.

  Luke felt his legs give in. He collapsed on the street, gasping for air.

  He lay there for a little while, and then picked himself up. He had to see Alyssa’s body for himself. He had to see for himself that she was really dead.

  * * * * *

  When he arrived at Vancouver General Hospital, the emergency room was completely empty. The same redhead male nurse was seated at the triage nurse’s desk.

  Luke approached. “I need to see a body. Alyssa Hansen.”

  “And who are you?” the nurse asked.

  “Her fiancé,” Luke replied. It was the second time that he had the exact same exchange with the nurse. This time, though, Luke’s answer was surer than before.

  “I’m so sorry,” the male nurse said.

  The nurse led him to the bright morgue. A blast of cool air hit them as soon as they stepped inside.

  Luke squinted and looked around at all the compartments. He had like he was in a police interrogation room. He had the sudden urge to turn back and run away, back to the safety and comfort of his apartment.

  The nurse led him to the middle of the morgue and pulled out a compartment, revealing a body covered in a white cloth.

  “This is her,” he said. “Alyssa Hansen. Died of a subdural hematoma.”

  The nurse lifted the white sheet.

  Luke squeezed his eyes shut, his heart racing.

  This is it, he thought. If it’s her, then she’s really dead.

  He finally opened his eyes.

  It was Alyssa. He could recognize that face anywhere.

  It was no joke. It was really her.

  Her eyes were closed, her hair was limp, her face and lips were both pale, bordering on blue.

  He reached down and put a hand on her cheek. Icy cold.

  He then reached for her hand, and held it for a long time. Her freezing hand nearly burned his, but he held on anyway.

  I was not there for her when she succumbed, he thought.

  He wondered what she was thinking when she knew she did not have long. Did she regret leaving him? Did she regret not having tried harder at their relationship before giving up? Was she thinking of him when she died? Was she going to meet him at Taylor Park?

  He was most curious about the last question.

  After waiting a while, the redhead male nurse cleared his throat. “This is her, right?”

  Luke nodded.

  He stood there for a long time.

  The nurse cleared his throat again. “Excuse me, sir. I’m sorry for your loss, but we have to go now.”

  Luke let go of Alyssa’s icy hand. He looked at his own, and something brown, like a bruise, was forming in his palm. He knew it was no bruise though. It was the beginning of freezer burn.

  It was true. She was dead.

  As the nurse escorted him out the door, Luke was thinking like crazy. What the heck was a subdural hematoma? And how can anyone die of something like that? Alyssa did not have a disease. She was not murdered. She did not swallow poison. She took care of herself, ate healthily and exercised.

  How could she have died of a bump on the head?

  When Luke returned to the ER, the nurse excused himself, and Luke sat down on a chair.

  He had seen her body. She was really gone.

  He looked around the ER. It was so bright. And he was all alone there. No one else was there with him, not even a stranger. He was all alone once again, just like how it was before Alyssa came into his life.

  He put his head into his hands and started to tremble.

  * * * * *

  Chapter 11

  Luke got home and slumped down on the couch in the living room. He turned on the TV. It was playing some honey commercial featuring the buzzing of the bees. The walls in the living room were how they were before he had met Alyssa.

  Barren. Desolate. Dead.

  She really did bring the color into my life, he thought. I can’t believe she’s gone.

  Luke looked around the room. He noticed a baseball bat lying on the floor. It was from his little league days. He picked it up, admiring the shiny silver.

  Luke stroked the bat, then put it gently against his stomach. He hit his stomach with it again, this time harder.

  He felt nothing.

  He tried it again.

  Still again.

  He struck himself with the bat full-force. This time, the pain rammed right into his stomach, and spread itself like a virus through the rest of his body. He recoiled, but continued to pound himself.

  At least now I can feel something, he thought.

  He continued to hit himself until he felt the bitter metallic taste of blood in his mouth.

  Alyssa’s death was all my fault, he thought. All my fault.

  He stopped when he thought he was going to pass out.

  Leaning back into the couch, he struggled to breathe. He stared out the window. He realized that he was high up. Ten floors up, to be exact. It was a long way down. He strolled over to the balcony, and slid the door open. A cold draft engulfed him right away.

  He dropped the bat onto the carpet inside and tiptoed over to the edge of the balcony. Why was he tiptoeing, as though Alyssa were in the room anticipating what he was going to do and trying to prevent it?

  He looked down. The lights glittered in the darkness. He could not tell how far it was to the ground, but he knew he was high up enough to splatter all over the street below.

  It would just be a few seconds of pain. Then he could join Alyssa.

  Luke placed his hands on the ledge, and prepared to hoist himself over.

  Just one more movement and it would all be over.

  Just one more.

  Then the pain would go away. And the guilt. He would rest in bliss for eternity. With Alyssa. He could be with Alyssa all the time.

  The thought excited him and made him begin hoisting himself over faster.

  Then, he heard Alyssa’s voice in his head, loud and clear.

  Don’t.

  Just one simple word.

  Don’t.

  He felt his legs plop down onto the balcony, as though she were his master and he had no choice but to obey. He backed away from the edge.

  Now go sit on the couch. Rest.

  He did.

  The day had worn him out. The crying part. The seeing her body part. And especially the attempted suicide part.

  He closed his eyes, intending
to rest them only for a little while.

  * * * * *

  In his dreams, he was drifting high above the clouds at sunset. A solitary puffy cloud meandered past and Luke took a seat, his feet dangling over.

  He stared at the regalian purple hues as they patted the clouds. A refreshing breeze rubbed against him, the way an adorable cat would rub its scent over all its owner’s legs.

  “Beautiful, isn’t it?” a familiar voice whispered in his ear.

  He turned his head.

  It was Alyssa.

  She was in a beautiful white silk evening gown that revealed her bare shoulders. Her hair was hung loosely around her shoulder. Her face was fresh and calm, in direct contrast with what it looked like in the morgue. The fading sun cast its soft rays on her. The girl was a silhouette in a puppet show. And most importantly, she did not look dead.

  She reached for his hand, and Luke held it gently.

  She pointed to the clouds. “I hope you can enjoy how beautiful all this is. I hope you can be in the moment for once.”

  He was focused entirely on her this time.

  “Alyssa,” he whispered. “I thought I’d never see you again. I should have done something. I shoul have insisted you see the doctor.”

  She shrugged. “Don’t blame yourself. How could you have known? Blame the situation. Blame the slippery pavement.” She picked at the cloud, tearing off a piece. She opened her palm, and the piece hovered above it, like a puffy marshmallow. Then, it drifted off into the sky and disappeared.

  “Are you really dead? I saw your body.”

  She nodded.

  “What was it like?”

  “Painless.”

  She then slapped him hard on the shoulder. “Don’t you dare try to kill yourself. You’re still alive. You have to live.” She looked annoyed with him.

  “Why? I’ve can’t concentrate on my job. And you were the only other important thing in my life. I have nothing to live for.”

  “You do. You just have to find it. There are plenty of other things to live for.”

  Although Luke had more questions, he did not know when she would leave his dreams, so he wasted no time in asking the more important questions.

  “I was waiting for you at Taylor Park.” He felt the heat of her hand transfer into his body, warming him up like a cup of hot chocolate.