Hiding In His Dreams

by Jason W. Chan

Her soft hair tickled his face as he buried himself in her shoulder.

  “I thought you were gone,” he cried. He was speaking rapidly now. He was afraid if he spoke too slowly, she would disappear and he would lose her again.

  Reluctantly, he pried himself from her shoulder and surveyed his wife. She was in the same milky white evening gown. Her long brown hair was parted in the centre. She looked relaxed.

  He leaned his head on her shoulder again. “I thought you were a goner,” he said.

  “I escaped, but I don’t know how long I can stay. The Wind has spies everywhere.”

  She glanced around nervously. He had seen this look many times already.

  “I don’t have long,” she said.

  Then, she looked at him with a serious expression. “Don’t’ you try to kill yourself again.” She shoved him on the shoulder.

  When she saw his surprised expression, she said, “That’s right. Don’t you remember? I know what happens in the waking world.”

  Luke said nothing.

  “You’re depressed,” Alyssa said, her tone softer. “You saw a psychiatrist. You’re wondering if this is real. It is. My spirit still lingers in your mind, but you’re not dreaming of me. I’m just meeting you in your dreams because I can‘t meet you anywhere else.”

  “I’m going crazy, Alyssa. Just crazy. Your love is the only thing that’s keeping me sane. It‘s the only thing that makes sense.”

  She held his hand and looked him in the eyes. Luke savored the warm fleshiness of her hand.

  “I know,” she said. “I love you very much. And that will never change.”

  For the first time in weeks, Luke smiled.

  Then, Alyssa looked away from him.

  “But this can’t keep going on. You have to live your life in the waking world. And I need to go Home, but I need to make sure you‘re alright before I leave.”

  Luke’s smile was wiped off his face, wiped clean like chalk markings off a blackboard. “I’ll never be OK without you.”

  “That’s just your way of getting me to stay.” She had read him like an open book.

  “Is it working?” he said with a small grin.

  She did not grin back. “I don’t want to move on until I know you’re OK.”

  She tucked a strand of hair behind one ear. “You were fired from your job. You need new purposes. That will lift you out of your depression. You need a new career. Some new hobbies. And a new love.”

  At her last words, Luke shook his head firmly. “Not a new love. You were my only love. I could never love another girl again. I would never want to love another girl again.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” she said. “There’s love in you. And you need to give it to someone else to release it. It‘ll make you feel better.”

  He thought about what she had said. It made sense, but he could never do it to Alyssa.

  ‘What about you?” he said. “If I meet another girl, I’d feel like I was cheating on you.”

  “You can’t be cheating if I gave you permission.” Now, she was grinning.

  “This isn’t funny,” he snapped. His tone of voice was sharper than he had intended. Quickly, he glanced at his girl to make sure he had not hurt her feelings.

  Her face remained the same. Maybe she understood his frustration.

  Luke took a break from the conversation. He looked down and saw endless air. He grabbed onto the fluffy cloud and felt the material tickle his hand. It felt like the fur of a cute kitten. The orange sunlight had mostly left, leaving behind only traces of light.

  It all felt so real to him.

  He turned back to her. “Why did this happen to you? You were a good person. You didn’t deserve to hit your head on the pavement and die. And what about me? You left me here all by myself.” He felt his face getting hot. “It’s just so unfair.”

  At that moment, he felt less like her husband, and more like a little kid, one of her third-grade students even, throwing a temper tantrum after being denied ice cream. He was ashamed of his behavior, but it was too late to do anything about it.

  She tried to put her arms around him and he pushed her away.

  He examined her face, but no hurt had registered on it. Her cheeks were a scarlet red. She breathed deeply, but he could not detect hurt in her face.

  He felt like a total jerk.

  Rapidly, he pulled her back toward him, burying himself in her again. Her skin felt so good against his. He did not want the feeling to end.

  He did not plan to cry, but before he could stop it, a few tears trickled down his face and fell onto her shoulder.

  “I know, I know,” she said, patting his thigh. “It’s OK to whine about it, get angry about it, cry about it for a little while, but sooner or later, it’s time to pick yourself up and do something about it. I did die. That‘s what happened. We can‘t bring me back.”

  It was just like her not to become defensive.

  She could have lashed back at me, he thought. At all those times I left her at home all by herself when I was at the office. Having doubts about marrying her. Visiting her at work and peeking at that mental patient. But she did not lash back at me. She did not push me away when I pushed her away. She embraced me with all my flaws. It was the caretaker in her. No. It was the loving caretaker in her.

  It made him love her even more.

  “You didn’t push me away,” he mumbled. “Not even when I did the same to you.”

  “Why would I?” she said. “Why would I?”

  Luke said nothing, and just appreciated Alyssa for Alyssa.

  “You know, I compared you to a beautiful power ballad by Celine Dion” he said.

  She smiled, revealing white teeth. “I know.” Then she giggled.

  For a while, they said nothing.

  Luke listened to the sound of her heartbeat. It was rhythmic, like the steady beat of a drum. It was moments like this that he questioned nothing.

  “Alright,” she said. “This is what we do.”

  It felt weird to see her take charge. In their relationship, he had always been the one in control. The logical, decisive one.

  “Tomorrow, you will wake up refreshed, with a new outlook on life. For the next few days, you will find out which other careers you want and find some other hobbies. When you meet a girl, you will get her number and ask her out on a date.”

  “No,” he said, shaking his head again. “No date.”

  “You can’t live like this forever. You can’t live in your dreams. You have to get back into life.”

  “How can I? My life was with you. Now I have nothing.”

  “You can have a new life. You need someone that can be with you all the time. I have to leave soon for Home. I can’t be that person anymore.”

  “No, you still can.” Luke looked up at her, and saw her purse her lips and slowly shake her head.

  “I can’t. We have to accept it. It’s not fair, but this is the way it is. Promise me you’ll be open to new girls.”

  Luke was still and said nothing.

  “Promise me,” she persisted. “Or I’ll be very upset with you.”

  “I promise,” he said. “When can I see you again?” He realized that he was not yet ready to say goodbye to her, as he had originally planned. He did not know when he would be.

  “As soon as I can come back. I don’t know when.” Then, she paused, as though unsure of how to proceed.

  “You know, this is just temporary. I can’t keep coming to you in your dreams forever. You have to move on and so do I. If I’m caught by the Wind, they’ll not only take me away, but even punish me, and maybe scatter my spirit so I can‘t go Home.”

  The wind picked up, ramming into them with force.

  He looked into the darkness but could see nothing.

  “They might be coming. I can’t take a chance,” she said. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

  Before he could kiss her back though, she began to dissolve, like a sugar cube in water.

  He
leaned into her, but she had already gone.

  * * * * *

  Chapter 15

  Luke spent the next day thinking about his last encounter with his wife. She wanted him to have new purposes. And a new girl.

  But he was still hurting. He needed more time. It was too soon for a new girl.

  Luke knew that Alyssa would have wanted him to get out of the house though. He did not want to mope around all day either. So he dressed himself in a suit.

  As he stood in front of the mirror inspecting himself, he felt a little better already. He had not worn a suit in days.

  He looked at himself. His eyes were bloodshot, but that was due to the bad sleep. His face was thinner than normal. His body was thinner too. He had lost a lot of weight. That was normal. He had not really been eating a lot.

  He took the elevator down and left the lobby. Luke stepped into the summer sunlight, and the sun cast pleasant warmth on his skin.

  What should I do today? Luke asked himself. I think I’ll go for a walk in the park.

  He strolled over to Central Park under the sky train track. The park was quiet on this weekday morning. He breathed in the fresh air, and started walking with no particular destination in mind.

  He passed a girl that was jogging with her earplugs in her ears. She had long blonde hair and was wearing a sweat shirt with a giant “S” etched in the front and back, and shorts. She winked at him as she raced past.

  Luke continued to meander, taking in the sunlight, refreshing breeze and forest scents.

  After he had wandered around to his heart’s content, he felt thirsty so he entered the nearest Starbucks.

  He got in line, and browsed the menu. An iced-cappuccino sounded good to him.

  The cashier shouted for the person in front of him, who did not move.

  Luke tapped the shoulder of the person in front of him. He recognized the “S” symbol on the back of the sweatshirt. It was that girl who had passed him in the park.

  She turned around, took off the earplugs and gave him a mischievous smile. "Yes?"

  Luke pointed to the cash register. "They're calling you."

  “Oh.” She said it as if she was disappointed in Luke’s words, as though she were expecting more.

  She stepped up to the cash register, ordered a mocha latte, and sat down in the corner.

  Luke gave his order, got his drink, then sat at the only available table, the one near the corner.

  It was busy that day. The cafe was filled with noisy chatter and the clinking of spoons. It reminded him of the day he met Alyssa.

  He took a sip of his beverage and felt a shadow cover him. He turned around. The blond girl was standing behind him with her latte in her hand. "Mind if I sit down?" she asked, taking a sip.

  Luke took in this green-eyed blond beauty, who looked around his age. She was tall, but shorter than Luke, a little sweaty, and very leggy. She looked like a Victoria's Secret model. What did she want from him? Was this the girl that Alyssa was talking about? Alyssa wanted this. She wanted him to ask out the first girl he saw. But did he?

  "Sure." He hesitated at first, and then pulled out the empty seat.

  The girl sat down and extended a hand. "I'm Jessica," she said. "So what were you doing wandering around the park in your business suit?"

  Luke took her hand. It was warm. "I'm Luke," he said tentatively. "How did you know I was in business?"

  She shrugged and smiled. She had the whitest teeth. "I can tell. I've dated a lot of businessmen."

  Jessica began to stir her drink. The ice cubes clinked around in the glass. "What I can't figure out is why a nicely-dressed businessman such as you isn't at work on a weekday." She took a sip, then added, "Unless, of course you're already a successful businessman who's his own boss and can go wherever he wants whenever."

  He nodded. "Something like that." It was not entirely untrue. He had built up a pretty nice nest egg in the old account before he was fired.

  Luke looked at her sweatshirt and her revealingly-short track shorts. "And what I can't figure out is why an attractive young lady such as yourself isn't at work on a weekday." He took a sip of his drink, and then added, "Unless you're an athlete training for the Olympics."

  She threw back her head and laughed, the sound reverberating throughout the entire cafe. An elderly couple at the next table stopped their conversation to stare.

  "You're funny," she said, trying to stifle laughter.

  Luke lifted both eyebrows. He did not think it was that funny. He thought he would try to be witty and go with the flow, but he got a negative vibe from her. It was too soon of her to be this friendly and flirtatious.

  Luke stood up, and gulped down his drink, drops spilling on his chin, then his suit. "It was nice to meet you, but I have to go now."

  The overly-friendly girl stood up too, the giggles vanishing. "Where are you going so soon?"

  "I have things to do," he said.

  "But I thought you were just wandering around today."

  Luke did not have an answer prepared.

  Jessica twirled a strand of hair with her finger. "At least come for a walk with me in the park. It's such a gorgeous day."

  He inspected the girl. She was getting flirty again. But he knew Alyssa would want him to give Jessica a second chance.

  "OK," he said quietly.

  The pair headed out into the sunlight, and arrived at the park. The heat had dissipated. It felt like a warm spring day, instead of late summer.

  Luke and Jessica strolled along the path. The wind shifted the trees beside them and brought a scent of fresh pine. In past days, Luke would have been happy to be in the park in sunny weather with a beautiful girl. But it couldn't be any beautiful girl.

  He looked at the girl next to her. This was no Alyssa.

  They headed deeper into the woods. The towering trees blocked out most sunlight. As they walked along, the girl's hand brushed his. He withdrew his hand, as though singed.

  He looked at her and saw a peculiar expression on her face. Not surprise. Not rejection. But playfulness.

  She reached for his hand again, and he let her. It felt different from Alyssa's.

  He thought about Alyssa. She had only wanted him to know other girls for his sake. But he did not want this. He would rather be alone now.

  Luke released Jessica's hand, but she did not get the message. She lunged in, and tried to kiss him. He could smell chocolate on her. Alyssa never ate chocolate.

  He whipped his head away, and stepped to the side. "What are you doing?"

  "Just trying to have some fun," she said. "What's the matter? Don't you want to kiss me?" She licked her glossy lips and leaned in again, but Luke pushed her away.

  Finally, hurt flashed across her face, then anger.

  “You little prude!” She spun around and ran away.

  Luke took a minute to catch his breath.

  What had he been doing with her anyway? It was cheating on Alyssa, even though she had given him permission. He regret ever talking to Jessica.

  Shame invaded him again, the same feeling he had that evening when Alyssa told him about her traumatic night and all he could think about was being passed over for a promotion.

  I don’t want another girl, Luke decided. And that is that.

  * * * * *

  Luke wandered around for the rest of the day, and finally, at 6 pm, he decided to return to his apartment for dinner.

  He entered the door of the lobby, and was about to call the elevator when something on the apartment bulletin board caught his eye.

  A flyer said, Free Painting Classes at Bonsor Recreation Complex today! 6:30 pm sharp! All supplies provided.

  Painting. It reminded him of Alyssa. She wanted him to have new hobbies. Maybe that would take his mind off her. Maybe that would make him feel better. He bought a slice of pizza from the local pizzeria, wolfed it down, then headed over to the recreation centre.

  The automatic doors slid open and Luke went over to the bulletin bo
ards. Painting class was in Room 2394 on the second floor.

  He arrived and peeked inside the room from the safety of the doorway. Easels were set up in rows of five. Luke took a breath, inhaling the paint fumes.

  A wrinkly-faced woman with frizzy blonde hair caught him peeking.

  “You here for painting?” the woman asked. She wore red-rimmed glasses and a black unitard. Luke assumed she was the instructor.

  He nodded.

  “Come in,” she said, beckoning to him. “I’m Lydia. Please take a seat.” She gestured to the seats behind the easels, which were mostly empty, except for a handful of bored-looking teenagers, a smiling elderly man and an excited-looking middle-aged couple.

  Luke looked at his watch. “Oh, I must be early.” It was 6:45 pm.

  “No,” Lydia said. “We’re running late actually.”

  Luke walked in, looking unsure of himself.

  “It’s OK,” the instructor said, noting his hesitant expression. “Join us and have a seat.”

  When he was seated, Lydia surveyed the class and smiled. “Welcome to painting here at Bonsor. This is a free trial class for beginners. If you find that you enjoy painting, classes will be offered here weekly at a reduced rate for twelve sessions.”

  She picked up a paintbrush. “Now let us paint. Everyone, please pick up your paintbrush, dip it into your paints and draw whatever comes to mind. Instructions will be given later. Right now, I just want you to explore and play around.”

  Luke picked up the paintbrush on the little stand beside him, dipped it in black paint and lifted it to the easel.

  He did not know what to draw, so he doodled, painting random streaks of black. When he was done, he inspected what he had painted. It resembled a five-leaf clover. But he was not done yet. Something was missing. He cleaned his brush in water, then dipped it into pink.

  Now that the pedals were pink, it looked like a different kind of flower. Not a clover.

  Luke was so absorbed in his art that he did not notice someone standing behind him. He turned around and saw Lydia there, one hand stroking her chin.

  “Hhhmmm,” she mused. “Interesting. It’s a very beautiful flower. What is it? A daffodil?”

  Luke shook his head. “No. I’m not sure what it is.”