by Jen McConnel
Soft music swelled around me, and I could hear the hush of many languages as tourists circled the old building, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care if anyone noticed me, either; I couldn’t stop crying. I don’t know how long I sat there in Notre Dame, but eventually my tears slowed and finally stopped, and I lifted my face out of my hands. My eyes landed on the achingly beautiful stained glass windows lining the nave of the church, and I stared, entranced, at the antique colors. All of my embarrassment and frustration melted away, and I felt empty, like a cup waiting to be filled. I don’t know what I hoped might happen, but I stayed there, staring at the windows until I started to see double, and then I got up on unsteady legs and left the church behind.
As I walked back to the hostel, I realized I was ready to leave more than Notre Dame behind. I was ready to leave Paris.
I banged on the door to dormitory four, and after a minute, a short black girl opened the door.
“Are Sarah and Joelle still here?” I blurted.
The girl opened the door wider and I looked over her shoulder. Sarah glanced up from her bed, where she was curled up, writing in a notebook. “Hey, Camie, right?”
I nodded. “Are you still going to the coast?”
She smiled. “I’ve got a ticket on the late train. I figure that way, I’ll wake up at the beach! It leaves tonight.”
“Can I come?”
Sarah nodded. “Sure, if the tickets aren’t sold out. I can check for you, if you want?”
“Yes.” I hesitated. “I need to take a shower, and eat something.”
“You look like you’ve had a rough night.”
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.” I fought the urge to start crying again.
“Why don’t I check online for tickets, and if there’re any left, I’ll just buy one for you and you can pay me back when we get on the road.”
“You don’t mind?”
She waved her hand in the air dismissively. “Not at all. That’s what travel’s about; helping each other out.” She hesitated. “You’re good for the money, right?”
“Yeah. How much is it?”
“About a hundred.”
I swallowed. I was almost out of my cash, but I still had two traveler’s checks stashed in the bottom of my backpack, and I had put the rest of the loan money into my checking account. There was always my credit card, too, if it came to it. “I don’t have it in cash, but I’ve got enough to cover it if we stop at a bank.”
She nodded. “I think there’s a bank near the train station.”
“Cool. Thank you.”
“Of course! What room are you in?”
“Seven.”
“I’ll come up there in a bit and let you know if I’m able to grab another ticket.”
“That would really be great. I don’t think I can stay here any longer.”
She laughed. “Boy, do I understand that feeling! It grates on you after a while, doesn’t it?”
Wordlessly, I nodded.
When I got to the bathroom, it was mercifully unoccupied, and I cranked the water as hot as I could stand and stood under the shower stream for a long, long time. When the scalding water had turned cold again, I finally turned off the tap and toweled off. I stared at myself in the steamy mirror for a minute, desperately looking for some change. I still looked the same, except my eyes seemed more tired.
“You’re not a virgin anymore.”
My reflection stared numbly back at me.
I hadn’t gone to my room before I hit the shower, so I had to put on the same clothes I’d been wearing last night, unless I wanted to walk around in the hostel in my towel. I changed as soon as I got back to my room, though, and without too much consideration, I tossed the dress and panties I’d been wearing in the trash.
I sat down on my bed and pulled out my sketchbook. I hadn’t even known the guy for forty-eight hours, but evidently, all it took was enough wine and a foreign setting for me to let my inhibitions go. The problem was, I didn’t really like how I felt after those inhibitions vanished.
I doodled absentmindedly, not really looking at the sketchbook. Yes, I trusted Hunter, but I wasn’t sure how to feel about last night. I mean, it was my first time; shouldn’t I have at least been able to remember it? First three times, I reminded myself with a blush. God, I hoped I hadn’t made a fool of myself. Remembering Hunter’s affection this morning, I figured I hadn’t done anything too stupid, but still, it would have been nice to know.
Sarah poked her head into the room. “All set! You’re coming with me!”
“That’s great. What time?”
“Our train leaves at eleven thirty, and Joelle’s is at midnight. Want to have a late dinner before we go?”
I nodded. “Can I meet you guys downstairs in the lobby?”
“Yeah, let’s meet at nine.” She flashed a smile as she left the room.
“Thank you!” I called after her.
“No prob! It’ll be fun.”
Fun. I looked down at the sketchbook in my hands. That’s what this trip was supposed to be about, right? Had last night been fun? The parts I could remember were pretty awesome, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about the rest of it. Suddenly, a wave of homesickness washed over me. I grabbed the calling card I’d bought the other day and headed down to the lobby.
The phone was tucked in a corner, inside a small wooden phone booth. I squeezed inside it and shut the door for privacy. My hands were shaking when I picked up the receiver and dialed the number I knew by heart.
Susie’s familiar voice cut across the line. “Hello?”
“Hey, Suze.”
“Where are you?”
“France. I e-mailed Mom; didn’t she tell you?”
“We aren’t exactly speaking right now.”
I snorted. “That’s not exactly news.”
“Whatever. She’s so annoying! How did you put up with her?”
“I didn’t argue with her. Still don’t.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”
I sighed. “Is Mom around?”
“No, she’s pulling a double at the salon.” She paused. “Cams, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I guess. Just tired.”
“You sound sort of funny. Did anything happen?”
Leave it to my baby sister to notice a change I couldn’t even pinpoint. “Um, not really. I met a guy.”
She squealed. “I want all the details.”
“It’s nothing, really.”
Susie was silent for a minute. “Cam, you didn’t sleep with him or anything, did you?”
Heat crept up my face. “Why would you assume that?”
“I don’t know. People just do stupid things when they’re on vacation.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not people.”
“So you are on vacation?”
Shit. “No, I’m doing an independent study. Didn’t Mom tell you?”
“She did,” Susie said slowly, “but then this letter came from your adviser, so I wasn’t sure.”
“God, Suze, did you open my mail?” My voice rose in panic.
“Maybe. Just be glad Mom didn’t!”
I exhaled. “What’s the letter say?”
“Just that you’re on probation.” She paused. “If this trip isn’t a school thing, then how are you paying for it?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Promise you won’t tell Mom?”
“I’m not an idiot.”
“Promise.”
“Okay, okay, I promise.”
I took a deep breath. “I got a loan to cover my fall classes.”
“What’s that have to do with Europe?”
“I sort of got extra.”
It took a minute for that to sink in, but then Susie shrieked. “Oh my God, you’re bumming around Europe on a student loan? That is so badass, Cam.”
“No it’s not. It was a really stupid decision.” As soon as I said it, I wondered if it were true. Had this whole thing been a stupid idea?
“Y
ou’re so cool! I can’t wait till I can do shit like that when I’m in college.”
Her enthusiasm was making me nervous; what if she slipped and said something at home? “Suze, seriously, you can’t tell Mom.”
“Where are you going next?”
“The coast, I guess, and then Italy. I’m traveling with a couple of girls I met at my hostel.”
She squealed again, and I sighed.
“Let Mom know I’m leaving tonight, okay?”
“So I can tell her where you are, but not about the loan or the probation?”
“Right.”
“Got it. Take lots of pictures, and you better buy me something good to ensure my silence.”
I smiled. “I already got you something in Paris.”
“Well, I want something from Italy, too!”
I laughed. “Sure thing, brat.”
“Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
When I hung up the phone, I felt a little better. The fact that Susie now knew about my lies was disconcerting, but I knew I could trust her to keep her mouth shut. Besides, chances were good she and Mom still wouldn’t be talking by the time I wrapped up my trip and headed home. Feeling more cheerful, I checked my watch. It was midafternoon; I had a little over six hours to kill before I met Joelle and Sarah for dinner. Maybe I had time to catch another museum? I’d barely seen anything the other day at d’Orsay.
My heart dropped at the thought.
Hunter.
I was supposed to meet him at the cathedral.
I paused, considering. I didn’t think I was ready to face him in the light of day.
Chapter Eighteen
I finally dragged my feet up to the church. As much as the thought of seeing Hunter again made me cringe, I couldn’t just disappear without a trace after everything that had happened yesterday. I didn’t want to be a bitch, and I figured I at least owed him a good-bye.
He was already waiting for me, and his face broke into a huge smile as I walked up. “Hi. I almost thought you weren’t coming.”
I decided to be honest. “I almost didn’t.”
“Why not?”
I shrugged, not meeting his eye. “I don’t know. After last night . . .”
His face hardened as I tried to figure out what to say. “Oh. Got it.” He turned away.
I put my hand on his shoulder. “Got what?”
“You just wanted a vacation fling, and now that’s done, you’re done with me.” His voice was laced with bitterness, and I found myself wondering if it was all directed at me. He seemed way too angry for someone who’d only known me for a couple of days. Who had hurt him?
I tried to explain. “That’s not it at all. It’s just . . . this is complicated.”
“You’ve got a boyfriend back home?”
I shook my head.
“Then what’s the problem, princess?”
“It was my first time.” The words slipped out before I could think, and I mentally kicked myself. I had so not wanted to go there; things were already weird enough between us.
Hunter stared at me for a minute, confusion on his face. “What?”
I bit my lip. “Last night was my first time.” I had to struggle to keep my voice steady, but saying it out loud made me want to cry all over again. “And I still don’t remember anything.”
Horror passed over his face. “Why the hell didn’t you say something?”
“I was drunk, remember!” I realized I was shouting, and I lowered my voice. “We both were.”
“Still, that would have been important information. If I’d had any idea—” He broke off and looked away.
“If you’d had any idea, then what? Would it have mattered, Hunter?”
His shoulders tightened, but he didn’t say anything.
“Tell me. Please.”
Without looking at me, he said, “I never would have done it.”
I was dangerously close to tears. “What do you mean, you wouldn’t have done it?”
He ran his hand through his hair, distracted. “I wouldn’t have had sex with you. Not,” he added quickly, “that I forced you or anything, but if I’d known you were a virgin . . .”
I clenched my teeth and took a step away from him. “Why does it even matter?”
“Your first time should be something special. It shouldn’t be with a stranger.” He looked at me then, and the vulnerability in his eyes pushed me over the edge.
I started to cry. “Well, it’s a little late for you to get chivalrous.”
“I didn’t know, okay? You didn’t say anything, and it seemed like—”
“What?”
He dropped his voice. “It seemed like you really knew what you were doing.”
Embarrassed, I covered my face with my hands. “Thanks, I guess.”
I felt his hand touch my shoulder, but I didn’t react. After a moment, he pulled away. “I’m really, really sorry.”
I nodded, but I didn’t uncover my face.
“Camie,” he said, his voice thick, “would you please look at me?”
Hesitantly, I looked up. The arrogance was gone from his face; he looked heartbroken, and his eyes were filled with emotion. My heart constricted. “What?”
“Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?”
I thought about it. It was actually sort of sweet of him to ask, but what could he do? Slowly, I shook my head. “Not now, I guess.”
He exhaled loudly. “I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
Nervously, he stuck his hands in his pockets. “Did you still want to hang out today?”
I had to laugh. Yesterday, we’d been lip-locked all over Paris, but today he was asking me if I wanted to “hang out”? “You don’t have to spend time with me because you feel sorry for me.”
“Camie, that’s not it at all.” Cautiously, he put his arms around me, and I didn’t pull away. I didn’t respond, either, but I let him hold me for a minute. “I really like you, and even if you can’t remember it, last night was pretty special.”
“But that’s just it. I can’t remember it, so I have no idea if it was special or not.” I leaned my head on his shoulder. “It’s like it never happened.”
“We can pretend that, if you want.”
I looked up at him. “What do you mean?”
“We can pretend it never happened. We can start over; what if I just met you today?”
I glanced around the plaza. “I don’t know. I’m leaving Paris tonight, so—”
“Wait, you’re leaving?”
I nodded. “I’m going to Italy with a couple of girls from the hostel.”
Hunter dropped his arms, and for a minute, I wished I’d hugged him back. “When did you plan this?”
I considered lying to him, but what was the point? “When I got back from your place this morning.”
“I see.” He took a step back.
His gesture hurt, but I told myself it shouldn’t matter. “I think I’m done with Paris.”
Hunter clenched his fists and looked away. “I guess I should just be glad that you told me. It probably would have been easier if you didn’t even bother meeting me today.”
I wanted to reach out to him, to put my head on his shoulder, to kiss his cheek, anything to ease the hurt expression on his face, but I didn’t move. There was no reason to make this harder than it needed to be. “Thanks for yesterday. Um, dinner was really great.”
Hunter laughed humorlessly. “Sure. Anytime. I love wasting money on tourist kids.”
I bristled. “Stop it.”
“Why does it matter? You’re leaving, so why should I care if I piss you off or not?”
I glared at him. “So none of this matters, is that what you’re telling me?”
“You can’t even remember most of it, princess! Why should it matter to me?”
Tears welled up in my eyes. “God, you don’t have to be such an ass. I said I’m sorry; I’ve never drunk that much before. I didn’t realiz
e I’d black out.”
“Whatever, princess. It’s probably for the best; I don’t need some whiny brat clinging to me. I’m not looking for anything, remember?”
I glared at him. “Good luck in China, jerk. Stay away from the virgins next time.”
He flinched, but his eyes were hard. “Yeah, good luck with your trip, princess. And if your memories ever come back, I bet you’ll miss me.”
“I doubt it.” I whirled around and crossed the plaza, suddenly desperate to get away from him. How had I been so stupid? The guy had been a jackass all along. I knew it when I met him in the airport, but somehow, I’d let myself be charmed by his sexy smile and easy demeanor. Stupid, stupid. I didn’t buy for one minute that our night had actually meant anything to him; he’d been too quick to tell me it didn’t. I bet his apology was all just an act. I fumed as I walked through the Parisian streets, oblivious to the beauty around me.
I squeezed my eyes shut, and suddenly an image of Hunter flashed through my mind. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and his body was pressed up against mine as I kissed him, hungrily. My eyes flew open in horror. God, had that been a fantasy or a memory? It had felt so real. I shuddered. Now, after meeting him again, I didn’t care if I never remembered anything about Hunter again.
Chapter Nineteen
After I put some distance between me and the cathedral, I pulled out my guidebook and checked the map. Not trusting myself to chance anymore, I carefully read the museum descriptions and decided to visit le Centre Pompidou, the contemporary art museum. It was in the opposite direction as my hostel, but I didn’t mind the walk.
Before I reached the museum, the sky had gone from blue to gray, and big fat raindrops were falling as the strange glass building came into sight. The guidebook had mentioned the museum’s odd appearance, but I was still surprised; it seriously looked like a giant hamster cage, complete with tunnels. I stared at the building a second longer, but the rain started to fall harder, so I rushed inside.
