“Oh! It’s you,” I said.
“Is that a bad thing? If so, I’ll leave,” Jives said. He seemed slightly insulted by my words.
“No, it’s totally fine! I just wasn’t expecting you. Since it’s been a little while and all,” I said.
I opened the door to the studio, and I saw him march in. He seemed just as nervous as I was, and as I sat down on the little bench, he looked at me with concern. Do I tell him how I felt? Do I ask him what the potential for our relationship could be? I didn’t even know, for I felt scared to pursue this, even though in my heart there was that need to do so.
~Jives~
I couldn’t believe I was even there.
I went there because I couldn’t get my thoughts off her. Over the last month or so, I’d worked desperately on the alien relations to make sure that everything would work out for us. Apparently, Remi was super happy with the whole pregnancy thing, and he won’t shut up about it. But, it also meant that he wasn’t working on his duties, which meant that everyone else had to pick up the pieces, myself included.
I was busy with that, and because it took me until late at night to deal with everything, I rarely had the time to talk to anyone. It was strange, because normally I was fine being alone, but for some reason this whole Remi situation put me in a bad mood. I wanted to talk to Tracey, even if it was just to check up on her.
When I could finally get away from the office, with all the fires put out and the building going strong, I made my way over to her studio. It wasn’t because I missed her or anything. Maybe I did, but I didn’t want anything special. I just… wanted to make sure that she was okay. I had a lot on my mind, and she was a part of it.
When I got there, I knocked, and she answered. She seemed almost scared to see me, but I did understand why. I bet she thought I was an apparition or something.
“Oh! It’s you,” she said.
“Is that a bad thing? If so, I’ll leave,” I told her.
“No, it’s totally fine! I just wasn’t expecting you. Since it’s been a little while and all,” she said.
I felt a bit embarrassed for being so cold, but I soon followed suit. We were both then inside, the tension between us as thick as it could be. I felt a bit nervous.
I didn’t know what I wanted when it came to Tracey. On the one hand, I did like her a lot but, on the other, I didn’t know if this would turn into anything. Tracey was a nice woman, but I didn’t know if a human would want me. I never even really thought I’d find someone worth mating with.
Remi would go on all the time about that, but I always blew him off. I don’t know, it just never seemed to be something that interested me. Rather, I focused on my work. But, as of late, it was starting to get to me. I wanted to see her, even though I didn’t understand why.
“So, what’s up? It’s been a little while,” she said.
“I just wanted to check in on you. I hadn’t really heard from you since the whole thing with Brad. I’ve been quite busy. Remi has baby fever and his wife is just barely holding on, so I’ve had to deal with their mess,” I told her.
“I figured. I’ve been okay. Just been working mostly. I’ve got to thank you, because you’ve helped me with inspiration,” she said.
I looked at her with confusion. “How? I just wanted to help,” I said.
“Well, you did a lot more than merely helping. You managed to get me back in the groove to paint again. I’ve had a huge creative block for a long time, and you helped out a lot,” she said.
I blushed. “It was nothing. Just trying to help,” I muttered.
“Well, you did a lot. Thank you,” she replied.
I could see the look in her eyes, the look that she wanted something more. I shook my head though, immediately speaking. “I know what you want Tracey. You want something from me,” I said.
She looked a bit surprised. “Well, I did paint this for you. Consider it a thank-you gift,” she told me.
She gave me the piece, and as I examined it, I realized the beauty of it.
“Wow. You’re quite the artist,” I told her.
“Thank you. I’m glad that you think so.”
I looked at it, seeing the beautiful colors. It was a picture of the ships as we flew on by. I had a feeling that she liked them, since they were so detailed.
“I never thought you’d be one to enjoy alien ships like this,” I said.
“I didn’t either, but there’s just something inspiring about you guys. I feel a lot happier, like the channels that I used to create art have opened up, and the deluge of creativity can finally flow out,” she said.
I smiled; hearing her explain her creative flow making me smirk. “That’s quite an interesting way to describe it, you know,” I said.
“Yeah. I know it’s embarrassing, but I am happy about it. I truly am,” she told me.
“Good. I am as well,” I replied.
There was an awkward silence. For the first time, I didn’t really know what to say. A part of me wanted to clear the air on the whole tension thing. As I was about to say something though, she spoke.
“So what brought you here today? Besides me?” she asked.
I tensed. I didn’t know how to put it nicely.
“Well, I wanted to check up on you. There was a lot that went on, and I’ve been working day and night. That’s all,” I said.
“Oh. I see.”
I could clearly taste the disappointment in the air. I then spoke, quickly changing everything.
“If you’re wondering what my feelings are about you, I’m going to be honest right now. I don’t know. I had no interest in fraternizing with a human until you came along. And it’s just… I’m worried. I don’t know what to feel, how to say it, or anything. I’ve never been able to figure out what I’ve been feeling recently. But there is that part of me that wants to take this chance, even though I’ve told myself time and time again not to associate with humans,” I said.
I felt like I crushed her dreams as I said those words. But, I didn’t tell her immediately I wasn’t interested. She seemed to understand though, and soon she spoke.
“I see. You’re afraid of commitment, of moving forward. Because I’m a human,” she said.
“That is correct. I’m sorry if that comes off as harsh, but I’ve never explored these feelings. I’ve been worried about this for quite some time. The last thing I want is to see you upset, but I also don’t want to give you this idea that I know exactly what I want. I don’t. I’ve always been dedicated to my work, to helping this world, to maintaining the best relationship between aliens and humans that I can. I’ve always been about diplomacy. But now that I’m around you, I’m considering expanding it,” I told her.
“Really?”
“Yes, Tracey. I’m not saying I want to go further than friendship right now, but I will say that the idea of friendship doesn’t scare me, nor does being companions make me worry. I don’t want a mate though. I don’t have the time or the energy to take care of one currently. I’ve got so much going on, and frankly… I don’t know, I’m still nervous about this,” I told her.
She didn’t seem upset, even though I thought that she would be.
“Well, let’s just be friends then,” she said.
“Just friends,” I said.
“Correct. It’s not the end of the world. Trust me on this, I totally get it. I don’t even know if I’m ready for a relationship or anything serious myself. I feel better though, knowing your intent. It’s just… nice hearing you be so honest. I’ve missed your voice,” she told me.
I tensed up. Was my voice that interesting?
“Well, thank you. I promise I will protect you and help in any way that I can. But yes, let’s take this slow. If you want, we can even go out tonight and hang. Just as friends,” I said.
“You’re off?”
“Fortunately. I wanted to get away from the office. It was driving me insane,” I told her.
She nodded. “Then let’s do it. I ca
n take you to this great coffee shop. After that, we can go watch a couple shows in the park,” she said.
I agreed with a nod. “Fine by me,” I replied.
She finished putting her stuff away, and I placed the picture in the ship. I felt a bit nervous, knowing what I was about to go into. Would this work? Would we really be able to maintain friendship? I don’t even know, but there was that part of me that felt a thundering in my heart, a sort of strange desire to protect her, but also a desire to be something more.
Chapter 5
~Tracey~
I didn’t know what he meant by that. I figured he was just trying to work out his own feelings. But the fact that he didn’t run away was nice. I got myself together for the most part, heading outside towards the ship. When we got inside, he motioned for me to sit down.
“Buckle up. Have you ever been on one of these ships?” he asked.
“Nope. This is all new to me.”
“Well, you’re in for a treat then. Hold on, and don’t worry, I’ve got this,” he said.
The power in his voice made me smile. Jives did have himself together, even though he seemed to be scared of commitment. The ship ride was fun, way different from what I expected. I thought that it would be scary, but rather it was nice. I gave him directions to the coffee shop, and when we got there, he landed straight in the parking space.
“Is the park close?” he asked.
“Yep. Don’t worry,” I replied.
I walked inside and he followed straight after. He looked at all the strange coffee flavors, a bit unsure of what to do.
“What’s good here?” he asked.
“Honestly, everything.”
“That doesn’t really help, Tracey. I don’t know any of these flavors,” he told me.
“Well, tell you what, I’ll order for you. Is that okay?”
He seemed nervous, but then he nodded. “Fine,” he replied.
I walked over to the counter, about to order two special lattes. When the total was uttered, I grabbed my wallet, but then, he spoke.
“I’ve got this. Don’t worry,” he said.
The tone in his voice was unwavering. I wouldn’t be able to fight him on this. I quickly put my card away, blushing at the words spoken.
“Okay,” I replied.
He paid for the coffee, and soon we sat out on the terrace. He sipped it, immediately contorting his face.
“This is quite warm,” he said.
“Yeah, it’s coffee,” I said jokingly.
“The ones that I’ve been given haven’t been nearly as warm,” he said.
“Well, you can always try something new,” I replied with a smile.
We drank our coffee, feeling the bond between us grow. I did love the taste, and he seemed to enjoy his. He didn’t seem nervous or anything, but rather, simply polite and determined.
“You know, you’re way different after all the walls come down. I mean, I’ve told you this, but you prove this point every time we’re alone,” I said to him.
“That’s because you’re one of the few people that I feel I can be a bit more… myself around,” he said.
I smiled. I took that as a compliment, that’s for sure. Even though he wouldn’t admit it, I could tell that the little smile on his face when we hung out was real, and he seemed to be a lot calmer when we were together.
“You know, I’ve been thinking about my future as well. I don’t really know what I’m going to do. I know that I have my art, which pays nicely, but a part of me wonders what would it be like to travel. To go to a different planet, to work with other species,” I said.
“That’s really something you’ve got to experience for yourself. I do that daily. Being a diplomat is easy, yet quite frustrating. It’s really only annoying when you’re working with people who don’t really know how to deal with things, who don’t know the ins and outs of the various sectors. That can be frustrating,” he explained.
“I see. Well, do you feel like I could ever get somewhere with my art on this galaxy? I never really thought about space travel. That was always Audrey’s idea, and I nodded in agreement every time she discussed it, but I have been thinking about it. I mean, it does seem scary, but at the same time, I wouldn’t mind trying it,” I told him. I felt like it was a bit of a stupid dream. It probably sounded dumb.
“I think you’ve got potential. I know on Klanden arts are rare, and the people there pay good money. I mean, if you ever did want to leave for Klanden, I can always help you out,” he explained.
I didn’t want to do this alone. I wanted him by my side if I did go through with it.
“It’s fine. This isn’t for a while, you know. I’m just happy to finally get these feelings out in the open. Oh, did you hear that I have a new neighbor at the studio? Her name is Sarah. She’s kind of like Audrey, but less in her own little world and way more realistic,” I told him.
“Good. I’m glad. I feel bad for not being in contact, but it’s good that you have a friend to rely on,” he said.
“I am glad. I mean, I really like being around you too. You seem to be so put together. I’m kind of jealous,” I told him.
There was a pause, and then his face began to change.
“I’m not really as put together as you might think. But, I don’t want to get into that. I try to though,” he said.
He seemed almost vulnerable for a second. I wanted to know what it was, why he was scared to be himself. But, I guess he’d tell me when the time was right.
“Well, take it as a compliment. I wish I was as put together as you were. You seem to do a lot for everyone, and I’m happy to see that,” I told him.
“I do,” he replied.
The two of us sipped coffee and made small talk. He seemed reserved again. It was after I told him that he seemed calm and collected. I feared I hurt him somehow.
I mean, he could just tell me, but he didn’t say anything about that. After a little while, I started to motion for him to come with me to the park. When we got there, the din of music started to flood through the air.
“This is nice,” he said.
“Sure is. I’m glad I got to come here with you,” I replied.
In truth, I’d always wanted to come here on a date. I know this wasn’t one, but I mean, it was practically the same thing. He wouldn’t admit that it was a date, but he seemed to be letting his guard down, and I felt like he was considering it.
At the end of the show, there were little dancers that came out, and small fireworks blew up above our heads. I gingerly put my hand in his own, expecting him to swat it away, but he took it and held it tightly, and I smiled.
I knew he wouldn’t show me his true colors, but I had a feeling that the touch of our hands meant so much more than he was letting on. I wouldn’t bother him about it, but I hoped that maybe, just maybe, one day he would finally tell me the truth about how he feels, and about the possibility of a future.
~Jives~
Feeling her hand against my own sent shivers down my body. It made me want to just break down and tell her everything, and to take a chance. I kept thinking about what she said earlier.
I was put together. I knew what I was doing. I laughed inwardly the second I heard that but, in truth, I did feel like that was the most wrong thing I’d heard in my entire life. I felt like it was just some lie that was put there because of how I act.
I didn’t feel put together. I felt like a mess. I always buried myself in my work to hide it, always working to be strong. I wanted to, one day when it was right, to just tell someone the truth about me, but I didn’t feel like now was the time. I knew that it would become apparent later on that I needed to reveal it, but for now, I would keep the lie there.
That’s right, I would continue to be the strong, alpha man that I’d always been. Jives the diplomat, the one who knew exactly what to say when it was the right moment. The person that never showed their true colors. The person that didn’t bother others with their pasts, for it was noth
ing but moot points that didn’t have anything to do with the situation at hand.
I shivered though, feeling the tension that was in my body start to deplete as I looked at her. I mean, Tracey was a good woman. I didn’t just help anyone. There was something about her that I enjoyed, something that made me want to knock all the walls down and tell her.
But I wouldn’t yet. Right now, friendship was the only thing that I could handle.
At the end of the night, I brought her back to the studio. She seemed happy about the events that transpired, and I was glad about it.
“I had fun,” I told her.
“I did as well. It was nice to finally hang out again. As friends,” she said.
I nodded. “Right. As friends,” I said.
As she got into her car, I headed back to the ship and sighed. Did I really want to be just friends? Do I tell her the truth? That I’m really a monster from a fucked up past, a past that even I’m ashamed to acknowledge? I don’t even know anymore, but as I sat there, thinking about it, I could tell that this would only get worse if I didn’t say anything.
Maybe it would be best if I left her alone for a bit. I went back, started to work on a few things, and left it at that.
However, it only made things worse. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I didn’t even understand why. I tried to get back to work the next day, but all I could think about was her.
What would happen if I told her everything? What might come about because of it? I didn’t want to know. I saw her call a few times, but I ignored it. I didn’t know if I was ready for her yet. Rather, I felt a bit lost.
Would everything work out? I didn’t even know anymore. I tried to keep a strong grounding on this. I mean, I’d never told anyone the truth about myself, about my past, or even who I am. There was that part of me, that one that ached to explain it all, to show her my true colors.
I held back though. I continued to work by myself, not paying mind to the calls and texts that I got from her. I could tell immediately she was angry with me. I would get calls and texts from her constantly, asking what was wrong, and when I’d see her again. I didn’t know how to approach this.
The Artistry of Love Page 6
