My whole body blushed. I could feel his heart beating through the palms of his hands the blood rushing through his veins. He was just was nervous as I was. Aaron had more power over me than he knew. From that day we met in Mr. Porter’s class, I wanted him. Now, there he was, asking me to go back to his apartment with him. Should I have gone out with him that night? No . . . but I did.
It was 10:30 p.m. when we arrived back at Aaron’s three-bedroom apartment in Parkville. We had stopped at Taco Bell for a late-night snack and brought the food back to his cozy apartment. We sat at the bar, facing each other. I tried to hold my composure as he watched me eat. He had his eyes on every piece of food that slid through my lips.
I looked up at him. “What?” I blushed, licking the sour cream from my fingers.
“Y . . . You have a little sour cream on your lips. . . .” He put his hands on my face, swiping the sour cream from my lips with his fingertips.
I watched him as he licked the sour cream that he took from my lips from his fingers. Charlie had herself one sexy man, but for whatever reason, he felt the need to come to me. What wasn’t she doing for him that had him coming to me that night?
Aaron kept watching my lips.
I looked at him. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”
“What, I can’t look at you?” Aaron’s eyes searched my face. “I haven’t seen you in months. . . .”
I tried not to smile. Over his shoulder, I caught a glimpse of a picture of Charlie on his refrigerator. I looked back at him. That picture snapped me out of my trance. I had no business there with him that night. “Why’d you drive so far to talk to me? Since when do me and you ever hang out, Aaron?” I asked.
Aaron cleared his throat. “I . . . ummm . . . I asked Charlie what she thought about marriage a few days ago.”
I instantly lost my appetite. I placed the nacho that I was about to pop into my mouth right back in the bag. I looked at him as I wiped my fingertips on a napkin. I just knew that whatever he was about to say was something I really didn’t want to hear.
“The thing is, as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I thought about you . . .” Aaron looked at me.
My heart jumped in my chest. “You . . . You thought about me? Why?” I was stunned. Definitely not what I expected to hear from him.
“I . . . ummm . . .” Aaron was nervous as hell. He was struggling to find the words to whatever it was he had to tell me. “I’ve been avoiding you, trying to hook you up with my boys, trying to spend as much time as I could with Charlie, trying my hardest not to look at you when you come around.... From the moment that I met you junior year, I wanted to ask you out. I wanted you bad as hell, but I didn’t think you wanted the same thing, so I never approached you.”
I nearly swallowed my own tongue. I hopped up from the bar stool, shaking my head, not believing my ears. “No, no, you can’t be telling me this now, Aaron!” I wanted to cry and punch that muthafucka at the same damn time. “You’re my best friend’s boyfriend, and you’re telling me right now—today—that you have feelings for me? Why the hell would you want me when you have someone as beautiful as Charlie? You have got to be joking! Is this some type of sick, cruel joke?”
Aaron got up from the stool, reaching for my hand. “Baby, calm down and just hear me out.”
I pulled from him. “No! You shouldn’t have told me this!”
“It doesn’t even matter how I feel about you—it ain’t like you feel the same way. It’s not like you ever talked to me. You haven’t so much as tried to carry on more than a three-word conversation with me. You don’t look at me, you don’t talk to me, you don’t laugh with me, and you don’t acknowledge me. I know I’m wrong for saying this, but I wouldn’t have ever gotten to know Charlie if you would have taken some interest in me. You had to feel me staring at you the day we met. The fact that I was dancing with you and not her at our senior prom didn’t ring a bell? I only got to know Charlie to get to know you, but you never let me,” Aaron explained.
I wasn’t going to let that boy make me cry. The words that came from his lips stung like a muthafucka. “So, what did my best friend say when you asked her to marry you?” I looked up into his face.
Aaron looked down at me. “I didn’t ask her to marry me. I just told you that I asked shorty what she thought about marriage. I asked her if she could see herself spending the rest of her life with me. I asked her if she was still in love with me, and do you know what the girl did? She laughed at me. She said she was too young to be thinking about spending the rest of her life with anyone. She said she loved me, but marriage was the furthest thing from her mind. I felt stupid as fuck for even bringing the shit up—I should have stuck with my first mind and kept the shit to myself. She doesn’t feel for me the way that she used to. At first, I thought she was just being cold because her uncle just passed away, but I know that wasn’t it, because she left me that night and went out to the club with her girls. Yeah, I feel for the girl, but a part of me can’t help but wonder what it would have felt like to be with you. That’s why I call you Heaven. I know that heaven is what it would have felt like to be with you.”
My heart fluttered in my chest. I wanted to be angry with him, but my heart wouldn’t let me.
“Don’t be mad with me, Heaven. I just have regrets. I’ve been with Charlie going on two years now, and I know I’m not who she wants to be with. I know that she isn’t the girl who I want to be with either. I don’t even know why we’re dragging this relationship out, because it’s not going anywhere. In high school, she was funny, she was flirty, she was sexy, she was popular, she was interested, and we looked good together. Knowing her helped me get on the basketball team as quickly as I did. Knowing her helped me get scholarships and grants to college. I think she used me just as much as I did her.” Aaron paused a moment, then said, “She doesn’t love me, Heaven, and I don’t love her.”
I shook my head. “Aaron, I don’t need to be hearing this,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry if I’m not supposed to be talking to you about any of this, but I couldn’t hold in the way that I felt anymore. When I asked Charlie about marriage, I knew in my heart that I wanted her to say exactly what she said. Charlie and I don’t belong together, but me and you? I know we could work something out.” Aaron spoke softly.
My eyes began to water, and I knew the tears were coming. “You could have anyone in the world, Aaron—why would you choose me? Why would you choose your girlfriend’s best friend?”
Aaron’s eyes traced my lips. “Because you complete me.”
I shook my head. “Complete you? You don’t know anything about me.”
Aaron grinned. “Your favorite color is blue. I know because every time you get dressed up, you wear royal blue all the way from your hoop earrings to your stilettos. Your favorite restaurant is IHOP. You always order scrambled eggs with extra cheese, turkey bacon extra crispy, two pancakes, and hash browns. You don’t hang out with your girls as much as you used to in high school. You’d rather kick it in the library, in the farthest corner, just you and your Dell laptop. Your favorite candy is Haribo Gummy Bears—you go through at least two packs in a day. You were raised by your aunt and Miss Campbell. Your mom is in prison. You haven’t seen your sister since you were thirteen. Your brother passed away. Your first boyfriend was a dude named Jamie—you dated him for about two years until he moved to Memphis, Tennessee, the summer before your sophomore year. You’re shy. You keep to yourself. You’re not easily persuaded. And you wish people would know the way that you feel without you having to open up your mouth to say a word. Now, wouldn’t you say I know a little something about you?”
I just looked at him. He didn’t hit the nail on the head exactly, but he was close enough. I don’t even think Charlie paid me that much attention. For someone who only saw me once in a blue moon, he sure did pay close attention to details. “How . . . How did you know about Jamie?” was all I could say.
“I have my sources, but do
n’t worry about all that.” Aaron looked down into my face.
Jamie was my first love, my first kiss, my first hug, my first touch, my first everything. We made love for the first time before he left me to move to Tennessee. He took a piece of me with him when he left me, a piece that I thought I would never get back. I loved that boy hard. I never thought I would love anyone else again. It wasn’t until Aaron walked in my classroom door that day that my heart began to beat again.
“Why didn’t you just tell me how you felt about me back in high school, Aaron?” I asked.
“Everyone kept telling me that you were still in love with Jamie. I didn’t wanna be the rebound nigga, so I did what any man would do—I went for what was available.” Aaron licked his succulent lips. Oh, I wish he’d stop doing that.
“Well, you’re about a year and a half too late, Aaron. You picked a fine time to tell me how you feel about me.” Tears lined my lashes.
“Well, tell me something—how do you feel about me?” he asked.
I backed up a little. “What?”
“Stop being scared and just tell me how you feel about me. It’s just between you and me.” Aaron held my hands, pulling me closer to him.
My heart thumped against my rib cage. I slid my hands from his, backing away from him again. “I’ll tell you how I feel. I feel like you could’ve told me how you felt about me a long-ass time ago! Maybe a good time would have been before you started dating my best friend! Or maybe before you started telling her that you loved her! Or maybe before you started having sex with her! Or better yet, before you became the strongest, longest, most faithful relationship that she’s ever had! No matter what she may mean to you, I know that you mean the world to her! You’re all she ever talks about, all she ever dreams about, all she ever brags about! She probably said that shit to you a couple of days ago because you scared the shit out of her when you brought up marriage. Charlie is beautiful, but she has been dogged out and has been played just like an average girl. Guys hit, split, and quit her ass just like they do everyone else! She thought you were different, but you’re obviously not!”
Aaron frowned a little, though he didn’t deny that what I was saying wasn’t true.
“Okay, fine, you wanna know how I feel about you? Fine, I’ll tell you. I’ve had feelings for you ever since I looked into those pretty green eyes of yours that day you stepped into Mr. Porter’s African American History class our junior year in high school. I got lost in your eyes, and I still haven’t found my way back. I hadn’t felt that way about anyone but Jamie.” I looked up at him. “After he left, it’s like my heart stopped beating. It didn’t beat again until I met you.”
Aaron looked at me for a minute or two as he tried to find the words to respond to what I had just said. “Why-Why didn’t you tell me how you felt?” He stumbled over his words a little.
“Because my best friend didn’t hesitate to let every female know that you were hers and only hers. You were hers from the moment she spotted you in class that day. She’s happy with you—happier than I’ve seen her with anyone. She’s happy with you, so I’m happy for her. And if she knew how I felt about you, it would kill her.” My eyes grew mistier with each second that I looked up into his face, so I looked away. “So, Aaron, if this is all you brought me here for tonight, you might as well take me back to Howard so I can work on my paper.”
Aaron shook his head. “Nah, you’re with me tonight, and tonight, my boy, Maxwell, is throwing a party. We don’t gotta get all dressed up or anything—it’s more of a get-together. You know, people drinking, dancing, playing cards, and shit. Just roll with me.”
I looked up at him, into those irresistible eyes. Why didn’t I just walk away, stick with my first mind, tell him to forget about me, tell him I couldn’t be his friend, and tell him it hurt to know how he felt about me?
Instead of going with my better judgment, I went into his bathroom, threw on a little makeup, did a little something with my hair, and made sure my lip gloss was poppin’.
Aaron took me to his friend’s party that night. My eardrums vibrated like a snare drum from the bass coming out of the stereo speakers. Chicks were throwing their asses, twerkin’, grinding as hard as they could against the crotch of the males’ jeans, sweating out their perms, dressed in next to nothing. The males were holding on for dear life to the women’s hips as they were thrust back against the wall. Blunts were being passed around, along with alcohol of every sort. Cigarette and weed smoke filled the room. All in all, it was a typical frat party.
The party was a little too much for me, and I tried to slip away unnoticed, while Aaron was talking and laughing with his friends. He caught my hand just as I tried to sneak past him, and he pulled me back to him.
I looked up at him.
“Hold up, ma. Where you goin’, Heaven?” He spoke over the music.
“Outside, where I can breathe and hear myself think. I need some air. Besides, I seem to be a little overdressed for this type of party.” I rolled my eyes as a girl in a halter-top and what looked like fuckin’ boy shorts walked past us. I looked back up at Aaron. “This ain’t even my scene. I don’t know why I’m here! Not to mention, there’s a lot of people coming here that I know from Howard.” I slid my hand from his.
“So?” Aaron took a sip from his cup.
“So?” I watched his lips as he drank. “What do you mean ‘so’? You’re not mine, so I have no business being here with you. You’re dating Charlie, and everyone here knows it. What does that make me look like, Aaron?”
Aaron’s friends looked at me.
Aaron lowered his cup from his lips. “Like you came to have a good time.”
I shook my head. “I can’t do this.” I backed away.
“Hold up, shorty. Let’s go outside.” He took me by the waist.
* * *
We stood face-to-face outside on Maxwell’s balcony. I wrapped my arms around myself. I looked up at Aaron as he drank the last sip of Hennessy from his cup. I shivered, hands tucked in the sleeves of my Old Navy hoodie.
Aaron looked at me as he tossed his cup in a small trash can in the corner of the balcony. “That hoodie is cute, but I know you ain’t warm in it. You wanna wear my coat, shorty?” He didn’t even wait for me to answer. He took off his coat and placed it over my shoulders.
“This is hell-a-awkward, Aaron,” I whispered, looking up at him.
Aaron looked at me as he leaned over, resting his forearms on the balcony railing. “How do you think that I feel telling you everything that I said to you tonight? I feel stupid as fuck.”
I looked at him. “So . . . How do you expect me to react to you now that I know how you feel? Aaron, you’re with Charlie. That, alone, is hard for me to deal with. Now I have to deal with the fact that my best friend’s boyfriend wants to get to know me better. And the worst part about this whole situation is that . . . I wanna get to know you too, more than you could ever know.”
Aaron’s eyes sparkled under the moonlight.
I laughed to myself, thinking of the lonely nights I spent thinking, dreaming, and yearning for Aaron’s touch. “Do you know that I used to dream about you?”
Aaron just looked at me, his green eyes searching my face.
“I wanted you in the worst way, but I knew better. Not to mention my heart hasn’t fully recovered from that summer before sophomore year when that jerk left me. Your friends weren’t lying. It took me years to get over Jamie. Sometimes, I’m not really sure I’m over him, but I’ve learned to deal with the fact that he’s never coming back.” My vision was getting hazy. I tried to fight back the tears.
Aaron laughed a little. “So, you are still in love with him?”
I shook my head. “A heart never fully recovers from the pain of losing someone, Aaron, if that’s what you mean. He left me when I really needed him. I never got any closure, but I’m good. When I met you, my heart started to feel something again. I think that you are amazing. I used to go to all of your basketball g
ames. I didn’t see anyone else out there on that court but you. The way you would glide across the hardwood floor of that basketball court looked as if you were floating on air.” I leaned over the balcony next to him.
Aaron looked at me, his eyes searching my face. “You make me sound like a star.”
“You are a star.” I looked away from him. “Charlie doesn’t know how lucky she is to have someone like you. And this right here, us talking this close, is teasing the hell out of me. I don’t want a damn snack, Aaron—I want a whole meal.”
Aaron laughed a little.
My eyes sparkled. “You laugh, but I’m dead serious. I’m in love with my best friend’s boyfriend. Ain’t this a bitch?”
Aaron looked at me. “Yeah . . . It is.”
I really wanted to cry because the more I stood there next to him, breathing in the same air that he was breathing, the more I wanted him to be mine. I was in love with him, and that alone was wrong.
I looked back at him. “Can we get out of here? I don’t care where we go. I just can’t risk anyone seeing us together and word getting back to Charlie. I don’t wanna hurt her,” I whispered.
Aaron looked at me as he took his keys out of his pocket. “Yeah, let’s roll out before I get too drunk to drive.”
* * *
I felt awkward being alone with Aaron that night. No matter where we went, I felt uncomfortable. We ended up going back to his apartment. We sat in his weight room that night, dressed in a tank top and sweatpants. We talked about everything you can think of that people talk about when they’re trying to get to know more about each other. I found out more about him that night than I had in the past two years I’d known him.
“I had no idea that you could cook!” I squealed. “That’s so exciting! I can’t believe Charlie never told me that! If I had a dude who could cook, bruh, I’d be telling everyone who didn’t have a man who could cook that I had one who could!”
It's Wrong for Me to Love You Page 2
