by Lindy Zart
She’d had it all figured out in her imaginary world where wishes and hopes and dreams come true. Her mother would show up at the hospital. She would tell her she was sorry and they would never see Bob again; never have to deal with him again.
In spite of everything her mother had allowed, she was still Lola’s mother. Lola still needed her, messed up or not. Lana had carried her in her womb for months, brought her into the world, raised her, and, for the longest time, been a good mother to Lola.
What had happened to the mother Lola remembered from her childhood? Why had she changed? Or had Lola recreated a childhood in her mind that didn’t exist? No, that couldn’t be true.
Lola forced herself to meet her aunt’s gaze. “When can we leave?”
“I’m so sorry, Lola,” Blair said in a voice low with regret. “I’m so sorry all of this has happened to you.”
Lola shrugged, though the hole in her chest was widening with each passing minute. “Yeah. I keep hearing that from people.”
After a pause, her aunt said, “I spoke with the doctor. Anytime now the papers should be signed. I brought some things for you. They’re in my car. I’ll be right back.”
Alone, Lola let out a shuddering breath and forced herself to get up. She stood on legs that wobbled, trying to get her bearings. She couldn’t even cry, which was actually a relief. Lola was so sick of tears.
Her mother had abandoned her.
Lola’s chest hurt as she sucked in another lungful of air. She looked around the sparse, sanitized room, not really seeing it. What now? She didn’t want to think about it.
She went into the small bathroom and showered and brushed her teeth. That done, she sat on the bed in a hospital gown and robe and waited for her aunt.
Images of the night before stabbed her mind in horrifying flashes. Lola saw Bob’s twisted face, felt his perspiring skin. Lola inhaled and exhaled, trying to slow it down. She felt like she was going to be sick.
Blair returned, holding a familiar-looking duffel bad. “Your mother packed some things for you. Whatever else you need I’ll buy for you.”
“What…about me? Doesn’t she want to see me?”
“I’m sorry, Lola.”
The chasm in her chest widened.
Lola silently took the bag and went into the bathroom. She changed into red pajama pants and a pink long-sleeved shirt. Lola stared at herself in the mirror.
Her cheeks were hollowed out, dark smudges under her eyes; bruises turning yellow on her cheek and jaw and throat. She raised her face and eyed the black stitches on her chin, which just completed the freak show that was presently her face.
Her mother didn’t want to see her.
Blair was waiting for her when she left the bathroom. Her aunt put her arm around her as they left the hospital room, offering wordless support. It was a kind gesture.
12
Blair’s car was a white Chevrolet Cavalier that was spotless and smelled like mint. The ride was quiet, low music playing from the radio. Her aunt apparently liked country music. She hummed along to the song.
Her house was on the other side of town from Lola’s. It was a two-story red house with white trim. It made Lola think of candy canes and Christmas. There was a porch with white wicker chairs. Purple and pink flowers bloomed around the house.
A large tree stood in the yard, tall and proud. Lola instantly fell in love with the house and the yard. It was well-kept and homey. It was a house Lola would have liked to live in. She paused at that. She would be living there. At least temporarily.
It felt like a betrayal to her mother to look forward to calling such a place home; to be glad to be away from hers. Lola felt such relief knowing she didn’t have to go back there. Again she felt bad.
Bitterness slammed away the guilt. None of this would be happening if not for Bob; none of this would be happening if her mother had been stronger, if Lola had meant more to her mother than some ridiculous excuse for a man.
“Lola? Coming?”
Lola shook her head and followed her aunt up the porch steps and through the door.
The entryway was open and spacious and smelled like vanilla. To the left was the kitchen and to the right the living room. The walls were creamy white and filled with framed photographs of scenery and people, some animals.
Lola walked over to one, touched in some inexplicable way by the black and white photo of a curly-haired girl with a serious expression on her face, her striking blue eyes the only color in the picture.
“Like it?”
Lola jumped at the sound of Blair’s voice, so close to her. She nodded, backed away.
“I’m a freelance photographer in my spare time.”
She glanced at her aunt, impressed. Lola tried to remember hobbies of her mother’s; talents she once used faded away over time like her smile. Disturbingly, she couldn’t think of any.
“Come on. I’ll show you your room and introduce you to Piper and Larry.” Blair touched her arm and gestured toward the living room.
The living room was large and again had creamy white walls. There was a bay window that looked out onto the street. It was lovely. Lola could see herself sitting in the bay window, her writing on her lap.
The furniture was navy blue, the curtains blue and tan striped. A Bose entertainment system and a large flat screen television took up a good portion of the wall.
Awed by the beauty captured in each photo Lola’s eyed grazed, her respect for her aunt grew and Lola found she wanted to know more about her.
A staircase along the back wall of the room led to the second floor. At the top of the stairs was a long hallway with open doors going down it. The first room was a bathroom, the second Blair’s office. At the end of the halls were two bedrooms.
“Here it is. Your room.” Blair walked in and turned toward Lola, face expectant.
Lola stepped inside, lump in throat. “It’s beautiful,” she whispered. And it was.
The walls were mauve and cream striped, the king-sized bed canopied and a lilac quilt over it. The floors were wood, an abundance of windows allowed sunlight in. The ceiling was vaulted. Two dressers stood side by side along one of the walls; a desk and chair resided between a set of windows.
Lola thought of the room she and her mother had painstakingly decorated and longing swept over her. She blinked her eyes and averted her face from her aunt’s probing gaze.
“Are you okay?”
No. “I’m fine.”
Blair fidgeted. “Well. Um…I’ll let you get settled in. Unless you’re hungry? Thirsty?”
“No.”
She looked like she wanted to say more, but with a resigned nod, her aunt left.
Lola stared at her meager belongings consisting of one duffel bag and whatever was inside it. She unzipped the bag and removed the clothes and toiletries.
She froze. At the bottom of the bag was a thick purple folder.
Her eyes began to tear up. Pain closed her throat. It was her writing. Her mother had somehow known about it and had made sure she had it. Lola didn’t think she knew. She sat on the bed, teardrops wetting the folder in her lap.
***
Lola awoke to two lumps of furry warmth; one near her head, the other by her feet. For a disoriented moment she was back to the night before and it was Bob on top of her. Fear choked her throat. Then Lola remembered where she was.
She sat up and stared down at a large black cat. He blinked up at her with lime green eyes. Lola looked toward her feet and an equally large orange tiger cat meowed at her.
“Piper and Larry, I presume,” she mumbled, yawning.
The black one jumped down, grunting as his stomach hit the floor on the descent. The orange tiger meowed again and rubbed his head against Lola’s feet.
Lola stroked his silky fur. “You’re a cuddle bug, aren’t you? I bet you’re Larry.”
A knock on the door announced Blair’s presence. She smiled and leaned against the door, arms crossed. “That would be Larry, yes. P
iper’s a little more standoffish. Larry likes you.”
She shrugged, eyes downcast.
“I made some lunch. I wasn’t sure what you liked so I made tuna salad and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.”
Lola couldn’t remember the last time someone had prepared a meal for her and discomfort pierced her chest.
“Thank you.”
“No problem. Come on.” Blair held out a hand. “You have yet to see the kitchen.”
Lola got up and looked at the hand offered. Small acts of kindness had a tremendous impact on her as she’d received them so fleetingly in the last year.
She gripped her aunt’s hand and Blair’s hand enclosed around hers, anchoring Lola to her as they walked down the hall.
The kitchen had black and white checkered walls, which of course Lola stared at; red appliances and wood flooring. The countertops were black and white swirled marble. There was a table by a row of wall-length windows, an island with four barstools. It was the most awesome kitchen Lola had ever seen.
“Do you like it?”
Lola turned in a slow circle. “Yeah,” she breathed. “I like it.”
Blair laughed, a tinkling sound of joy. “Good. I spend a lot of time in here. I love cooking and baking. I’m not very good at it, but I have fun with it. Have a seat.” Her aunt motioned to the table.
She sat down and Blair brought over a platter full of sandwiches cut in halves. “Help yourself. What would you like to drink? Water, tea, milk?”
Lola reached for a peanut butter and jelly half sandwich. “Water is fine. Thank you.” She took a bite, savoring the gooey goodness. It had been ages since she’d enjoyed a PB and J. Or any kind of food for that matter.
After a few small bites, Lola’s stomach revolted, and she set the sandwich down.
“What’s wrong?””
“Nothing. My stomach gets upset a lot.”
Blair swallowed and put her tuna salad sandwich down. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Lola’s eyes pricked as she saw the caring in her aunt’s. “What was my father like?”
A smile softened her features. “He was a wonderful man, Lola, the best. I wish you could have known him longer.”
“I don’t remember him at all. I wish I did. My mom says he was a good man.”
“He was.” Their gazes locked.
Lola pushed her glass of water back and forth between her hands. “I have a hard time taking my mother’s word for it, given her current husband.”
Blair got up and took the seat closest to Lola. She reached over and gripped Lola’s hand. “I’m so sorry you had to go through such horrible things, Lola. I…” She stopped, shook her head.
“You what?”
Her smile wobbled. “I just wish I could have been there for you. I wanted to be.”
Lola pulled her hand away. “Then why weren’t you? You’ve been in town almost as long as us. I’ve seen you around town throughout the years. You’ve even checked out in my lane at at work. You never once said anything to me, never gave me any idea you were my aunt. My father’s sister. Why?”
Blair didn’t speak for a long time. When she did, her voice was low, stricken. “When your father died, something happened to your mother, Lola. She just kind of…lost touch with reality.
“You were so sad, so confused about everything. You didn’t understand any of it; your father no longer being around, your mother’s indifference. I saw what it was doing to you. You needed your mother and she…it was so hard on her. It was too much.
“I offered to take you, to have you stay with me, just until your mother got better.” She took a shaky breath. “Lana lashed out at me, went hysterical. She thought I wanted to steal you away from her. She’d just lost your dad and I suppose the thought of not having you around was too unbearable for her, even if she couldn’t give you proper care. It didn’t matter to her. She wanted you with her, even if it was in your best interest not to be.
“Lola, she forbade me to see you, to talk to you, to have any kind of contact with you. She said if I didn’t stay away, the two of you would disappear and I’d never see you again, not ever. It greatly pained me, but I wanted what was best for you, I wanted to believe your mother was doing what she thought was in your best interest, for whatever reason. So I agreed.”
Tears streamed down her face, Blair seemingly unaware of them. “I moved here to at least be close to you, even if I couldn’t interact with you. I’ve tried talking to your mother throughout the years, tried to get her to see reason. She never relented, not once.
“It was so hard. Seeing you and not being able to tell you who I was, how much I wanted to know you. So many times I had to bite my tongue not to blurt out I was your aunt. You have no idea the restraint it took.” Blair took a shuddering breath.
“I don’t know what made her keep me away. Fear of losing you maybe. Maybe it was too hard to see me, a reminder of Ben. She loved him so much. Lana was a different person then, Lola.” She smiled sadly, swiped at her eyes with her hand.
“It seemed like she got better. Never the same, but a semblance of herself. She was a good mother to you, wasn’t she?” Blair took a deep breath. “Or am I wrong?”
Lola opened her mouth to speak, found she couldn’t. She cleared her throat and tried again. “I think she was. I remember her being a good mom, even though she always seemed a little sad. But then…she met Bob and everything changed. I didn’t know her anymore. I don’t know what happened, what changed. Why she let me be treated that way.” Lola blinked her eyes against tears.
“If I had known what was happening, nothing could have kept me away.” Blair lowered her head until she was at eyelevel with Lola. “Nothing, Lola.”
Lola’s lower lip quivered. She covered her face with her hands and wept, crying harder still when Blair’s hands came to rest on her shoulders, her cheek atop the crown of Lola’s head.
“I have some people that have been bugging me to see you, Lola. Are you up for a visit or would you rather it waits?” Blair rubbed her shoulder and gave it a squeeze, pulling away to see her face.
Lola wiped her eyes. “Who?”
“Well, there was this boy that stopped by when you were napping. He was very insistent I tell you to call him as soon as you woke up.”
Her stomach fluttered. “Jack?” she whispered.
“Tall, dark-haired, beautiful green eyes? He’s cute.” Blair smiled.
Lola felt her skin heat up.
“He your boyfriend?”
“I…don’t know.” She frowned. What were they? More than friends, definitely. But boyfriend and girlfriend? They’d never discussed it. That title didn’t seem to do their relationship justice.
“And this morning when I stopped at your house to pick up your things, another young man, equally cute, I might add, flagged me down and bombarded me with questions. His mother came outside to tell him to stop pestering me, and then she started.”
Blair chuckled. “Nice people. The mom is Dr. Jones, isn’t she?” Lola nodded. “She wants to come over sometime soon to see you. Her son said he was coming over either way, with or without his mom.” Blair paused. “You have a lot of people that care about you, Lola. I wish you would have reached out to one of them.”
“Jack knew,” she blurted, and then wished she hadn’t.
Blair’s eyes narrowed. “I see.”
Lola jumped to her feet. “It’s not like that. Jack understands what I went through and he knew I didn’t want anyone to know.” She couldn’t tell her that he went through the same thing, or even worse. It wasn’t Lola’s to tell.
“Why didn’t you want anyone to know?”
Her chest tightened. “Bob told me if I told anyone, he’d hurt my friends.”
“Oh, how awful,” she gasped and covered her mouth with her hands.
“And with Jack…I didn’t have to say anything. He just knew. He was there for me when I had no one.” Lola took a shaky breath and turned away. She couldn’t explai
n how much he meant to her. There were no words.
“It’s okay, Lola. I told Jack to stop back in a couple hours. Do you want to help me with something in the meantime?”
Not wanting to hurt her aunt’s feeling, Lola agreed and soon found herself on a mat in the living room, focusing on her breathing and stretching her limbs to their limits. Funnily enough, it helped to relax her and take Lola’s mind off her current situation.
She was grateful to Blair, even though Blair said she hated doing Yoga alone and that was why she asked Lola to participate. Lola knew the real reason: finally someone was looking out for her.
13
Lola sat on a bench under a leafy tree in the fenced in backyard. The sun was warm where it touched her skin through the tree limbs.
Blair had asked her all her favorite foods and gone to the grocery store to stock up. Lola hadn’t had the heart to tell her she picked at food more than she ate it. Maybe, in time, that would change.
She watched a robin hop along the grass; a butterfly flittered by her face. She envied them both. They were free. Lola was now too, at least physically. Her emotions were so far away from free Lola wondered if she’d ever find peace.
Thoughts of her mom plagued her. Why had it been so easy to give up her rights, to stay away? Probably for the same reason it had been okay for Lola to be abused as her mom sat by, not stopping it, not even seemingly aware of it. That reason would forever be a mystery to Lola; something she would never understand.
Lola resented her so much and missed her just as much. She longed to see her and at the same time never wanted to set eyes on her again. Her emotions were tumultuous where her mom was concerned and didn’t make much sense, not even to Lola.
Most of all, she just wanted to know why.
She wrapped her arms around herself, wishing she could fast forward to years from now, when all of this would be behind her and in the past, instead of living through it now.
Her aunt told her Social Services would be coming to talk to her and Lola would be assigned a social worker to periodically meet with her. Blair would have to be approved a fit guardian before it became legal.
